REPORT A PROBLEM
He never gave me a good enough reason not to love him. He tried but it wasn't good enough and I think that's where the problem lies. I can't keep pretending that he doesn't exist or that I can turn everyone else into him.
And as for you, I haven't heard your voice in such a long while, and every time I try to think of it it sounds like his. I honestly like you for who you are, and I'm sorry that there is a image in my head of perfection that I just can't seem to get out.
The tone in my voice should've given me away at once, but did you listen? No, you simply sat there and
every word I said.
Who knew that when you said you loved him, dixy, you meant you'd love him forever.
I meant every word I said, and now I just want to sleep or disappear. I want to run outside and lay on grass that isnÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœt there yet.
I am putting this wall up again, and what I will never tell him or you is how much I am hoping and needing for him to break it down.
I drove so far out and just let myself let go. I turned here and there until I was somewhere I had never been before.
I saw that man walking with his wife and their child in the stroller and I wished with all my heart for two things: The first was that I could join them. I just wanted to be part of their happiness and not this loneliness. The second thing, that one day I will be able to find a happiness such as theirs that will not try to run away every time I turn my back.
I know her from somewhere. Her face is a memory hidden away somewhere deep inside of me that I cannot find. Am I trying to avoid something or was she simply not worth remembering? I really hope it isn't the latter, because if it is, what a fool I was!
My younger years were filled with hope and laughter and highs and lows that I had never felt before. I think that maybe what I need now is something new. Everything here seems so typical and like a distant dream.
IÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœm not really unstable, I swear. I'm just a liar.
Hey dixy, open your eyes. There Is chance all around you and there is nothing you can do but accept it.
I remember lying under my covers with you on the phone and sobbing silently as you repeated over and over "the light outside can't hurt you."but you know what? It did. It is burning me and I'm here with nothing to hide under.
No matter how hard I shut my eyes, the light is still blinding. It's not that I like to live in this darkness, it's just that sometimes the light is so bright it kills.
His eyes, his smile, his movements, his tears, they're all so unexplainable to anyone not seeing him through my eyes. I just hope you all know that you're missing out. I know I do. I spend so much time hoping things had ended up differently but I've always been one to hope too much.
I think my greatest enemy is myself. I don't seem to have anything to look forward to anymore, or anyone to try for other than God. And you know what? He should be enough. Maybe I need to start rearranging my life. He should be enough.
I'm not here to please anyone, nor to purposely bring any sort of grief into your life. Your cruel words leave me with a harsh reminder of what the "real world"is like. Your malicious actions make me almost ashamed to be human and of the same as you.
I don't want you to ignore me, but neither do I want you to hurt me without a reason other than your own amusement. I don't want to be judged before I am known.
But if you must, please, I beg each and every one of you:
judge tenderly of me.
I can't pretend it doesn't hurt to see all of you so different than you were before, and not in a good way. I'm having the hardest time dealing with the fact that you all couldn't deal with growing, maturing, and changing all while staying true to yourself.
Change yourself, yes, better yourself, yes, but don't erase yourself. Don't become the people you used to hate. But there is no hope now, you're all too far gone.
I'll just keep sitting here on the sidelines and watch you all try your hardest to win a game that can't be won.
I swallowed hard. I was so close to just screaming my heart out at you. I hate the way you assume things about me that aren't true and act like you know every specific thing there is to know about me. I hate the way you always say things that are bitter towards me and make it look as if I'm doing something wrong just by living. I hate the way you made assumptions about me and hold them as fact. I hate the way you told me I could never understand.
Seriously, I thought you were better than that.
Are you happy now? Of course not. If you were you wouldn't keep shooting yourself up with drugs or spending full nights on the floor clutching your bottle of liquor. If you were, you wouldn't let him be so kind and loving to you by sunlight and degrade you and hurt you in such horrible ways by moonlight.
Of course you're not happy, if you were you wouldn't have crawled in through my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed, sobbing. If you were, you wouldn't be living in this daze and you wouldn't keep slashing at your wrists and thighs.
I hate hearing some girls talking to their parents because there are some things I just don't want to hear. Somehow the realization that the guy I love doesn't love me back hurts more at night than in the day. It doesn't even hurt like it used to anymore. It's kind of just a ...numbness. I know I will get better. I did give him all of me and I am a little shattered now, but I am picking up the pieces and putting them back together.
And this time I am going to be better, stronger and more alive.
My face is buried so far into the grass that I wonder if I will ever get back up again. You know you're in trouble when breathing becomes a process you have to think about doing. If you stay completely focused on him and forget to breathe, you start to choke and you're reminded that as much as you love him, he is not your oxygen and you'll be okay.
I am the biggest idiot I have ever met or heard of. I am completely and most madly in love with a guy whom I am not even real to.
I am still sad that they are together. A said he was tired of always seeing his friend sad and tired. This kind of makes me sad, I guess for a while now he had been feeling pretty down about life, but he never talked to her about it. It is even more sad to think of someone being with someone else for so long and feeling so sad and tired. I've been there before. I felt trapped and I don't like to think about him ever feeling so trapped or sad and never telling her. But I can understand.
I ill try to pretend you're still here
but I'm only fooling myself because
you're leaving, leaving, gone
and you know what i hate the most?
(aside from sitting here alone,
with a cup of black coffee in the desk in
front of me and this ache in my heart)
the way I want you to stop me from going
and tell me you are willing to work
at what's been done wrong
and actually mean it
but you don't
because you're not.
im just not worth it.
(im closing my eyes and making myself
believe you're not gone)
I hope that this last. I hope that you last. I don't want to dissolve but I will do everything I have to in order to keep you happy and content and alive. You are like the ones who hold on out of fear but are quick to let go when something betters comes down the road. You are incomplete without me, you say, but I don't believe a word. I somehow wish that those who love me could see me for who I really am and not who they want me to be. I am going to rewind myself.
"You can't find love?"he said. The boy who had always sworn that one day I would be happier than anyone else in this world. So I closed my eyes and nodded and I could feel the pity rising from within him and starting to wrap itself around me, so I twitched as he moved away and told me there was still hope. And it's not that I don't believe him, it's just that I don't believe he has a right to tell me that when he doesn't even believe he will ever find true love himself. So I leave.
I'm holding my head up high. I walk down the sidewalk with that pebble in my hand and cry my heart out but it doesn't matter who stares. "True love waits"it says and I don't think I can take it anymore. So I throw the pebble on the ground and as soon as it leaves my hand I am dropping to my knees looking for it, but it's gone. Then out of the corner of my eye, to my right, I see the pebble sitting there just waiting to be picked up, cleaned and renewed and my heart aches.
I am good with people but for the most part I need to be alone once in a while to put myself back together. I grow quite in big crowds. I sit at a table with friends and family and I feel completely alone, completely different. Out of place. It seems that anywhere I go I am out of place, unless I am with just one other person. In those situations, we have no other choice but to identify with each other and put each other first, above anything else at the moment, since there is nothing else. Nothing more.
So I laid there and let him kiss me and I kissed him back. When I closed my eyes I turned him into someone else and I know that even if he knew, it wouldn't matter to him. That's why I was there. To help him forget his girlfriend. He actually told me "thanks for helping me forget" Thursday as I left. He kissed me hard and with longing and it killed me every time. I don't want a relationship with him, as I've said before. I'm just lonely and lately he's been the only friend to me around here.
I don't know where to stop and begin. I just want them all to feel content, but leave me alone in the meantime. At least, most of them. There are exceptions, of course. There are people whom I always want to keep near me, people who I wish would call me "just because." I hope today I will go to the park and lie in the grass until the star sets in the sky and the stars begin to fall on me. But, somehow I doubt I will. Having a job equals money, but also equals not having a soul.
. It is sad to think that this school year is almost at its end. He just passed by me and took a painting off the wall that I'm sure I will never see it again. Little by little, the items around the classroom that have made this place seem like home for the past three years, will begin to disappear. Every day, there will be a little less of him here until finally he will be gone for good. I can't help but want to disappear. With him sometimes. Just to talk. I know I could learn so much.
She is running and she tells herself not to look back. Behind her there is pain, confusion, anger, sadness. She runs towards the light, towards the happiness and the hope. People stick their legs out in her path in an attempt to trip her but God's arm lifts her up and safely places her back on solid ground. She is scared of what lies ahead but knows she can do all things through Him that strengths her. She closes her eyes and keeps running, knowing that she's only got to keep her focus on God and He will deliver her.
She snapped at me when I attempted to tell her what I thought. I tried to tell her about the positive things that could be coming out of this and she only cried harder. I felt like a horrible person then and still do now. I kept promising myself I would cry on the way home, but I didn't.
"This is not a lesson, this is people," she said.
They are so often the same thing, and if we're lucky,
Yet I don't think she will ever let me try to explain that to her correctly, or fully understand.
I know that things will change and I will be okay some day but that doesn't make me hate the process from here to there any less. I, however, am an extremely complex person. I will not just sit back and grow old and just smile as things in my life seem to fall into place. I don't believe some things will ever completely change, though the situations and people surrounding them will differ. I will always be the outcast; I will always be the reject within any group that I ever become a part of, (but not by choice.)
I don't like the way he makes me feel important one moment, and worthless the next. I don't like the way he tries to comfort me for all the wrong reasons. He said he wanted me to be happy and he's always asking me if certain things he offers make me happy or not, but it just doesn't work that way. I just want him to understand that I am a complicated person and he can't fix me and make everything all right by hugging me, kissing me, or simply telling me that things are going to get better someday.
You don't say you love someone
or something and then walk away and forget
You are the one that sticks around
even when things don't go your way
You are more than I could ever
ask or beg God for
because you're more than I could
ever possibly explain.
My heart has lied before
but tonight, it speaks with truth
and it speaks a language that no one
(not even me)
has ever understood
but somehow you know it fluently
and you sit there, talking with it endlessly
until the late hours of the night
that never seem like enough.
i just sat in the class and watched them through the window and then went to the bathroom and cried because i was sad. there was a lady outside the bathroom and she made me sign in when i got there and it made me feel like a prisoner. it made me feel so suffocated to have to sign in and out just to go to the bathroom in my own school.
i felt so trapped and i hate feeling trapped so i went back to the newspaper room and went into the darkroom and tried to breathe a little.
he is sad and tired and maybe a little buzzed. i told him he could nap on my bed and i would take the floor but he said he'd feel bad and he'd take the floor. he kind of dozed off before he actually got around to it but it's okay. he can have the bed because there are nights when i just need to sleep on the floor. i kissed his forehead and i don't think he felt it but i guess i was a fool for even think he would. some people we will never let go of.
i ended up storming right out of there because the words he was saying made no sense and only made my heart and head hurt. he told me i shouldn't be so scared and that it was okay to like people, just not too much. i stood up and told him how i like people too much, or not all. then he called me stupid and told me that it was my own fault i was hurting then and i had a feeling come over me that maybe he was right and that is when i got out of there.
I don't want you to think that I can't survive without you. The only one I need by my side forever is God and he will never leave me. I know that everything happens for a reason, I just wish I knew that that reason was ahead of time. I want to know if I need to let go of you for good or give you another chance. It's difficult to be your friend when I know you keep things from me and when I know you don't trust me like you used to (but I can't blame you anymore.)
You know there's no hope when he tells you he misses you and you turn back to your homework. You try to solve those impossible problems, that seem impossible to solve but are a million times easier to understand than he is. You decide to talk to him but it doesn't seem to get you anywhere. When he leaves, you're left confused and frustrated.
When you turn back to your Trig problems, suddenly they seem like grade-school math. You know there is no hope with a guy when, compared to him, trigonometry is as easy as adding single digit numbers.
The Tip Jar