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At the beginning, then. Maybe I am crazy, or maybe this will help. Maybe it will make it easier for us to understand what the other is thinking, or get into each other's heads, as you are fond of saying. Maybe here I'll at last find the words, the voice, to say all those things I've said wrong right. Maybe I'll find the answers I'm looking for, or perhaps you'll find what you need to point me in the right direction. But hopefully it will help us grow closer, my love, and stronger together. I love you always, my darling.
Been too cold lately for any good use. Getting warmer, but freezing rain will result... I'd rather it be cold. Was very grateful I got to talk to you last night, my love. It truly made my night. Despite the cold of night, your words warmed me, as only you can. And as I sat there today, eating the usual spaghetti with meatballs, across the table was her, not you. And throught the tepid small talk over salad and breadsticks, I realized just how unacceptable that is beginning to become to me. We should be together, love, and we will.
Yesterday was not such a good day. You wrecked your truck... thank God you weren't hurt. I would have gone nuts if you had, with me eight hundred miles away. It makes me feel useless, being way the fuck over here while you are way the fuck over there, and need me. It's the separation that is worst... but I have faith that we can get by that. That we can get through all of it. I can't explain how I know, but I just do know. One can't rationalize gut feelings, faith, instincts- but I sure wish I could.
Noelle Elizabeth... she stands about five foot six, slender and toned. She's got long, wavy, dark brown hair, every bit as dark as mine. Her eyes are deep green, like a forest in summer. Her skin is pale, smooth, alabaster white. Her face is the very image of her mother's, except she has freckles on her cheeks. She's strong, proud, and confident. She's smart, far smarter than me, scary smart. She has a smile that could light up a room, and a laugh that is sweeter to the ears than the best symphony. She is the daughter of my dreams.
Global warming... constantly, somebody babbles in the media about it. "This is the warmest year on record so far" they say, never mind that it is freakin' cold outside. It snows here daily(except when we get freezing rain), it's been below freezing for weeks, and there isn't any sign of it letting up. Their answer? "The cold is a result of global warming". Get serious. "The polar caps are melting, causing cold water to push the gulf stream down, allowing cold air to come down from the north." If it's such cold air, how can it melt the caps?
Holding hands... In elementary school, you hold hands to cross the street,to keep together at the museum. Most just hold lightly, barely any pressure at all. I always did... until you. You changed all that. Now it's an intense thing.We grip each other's hands and squeeze down tight, as if by this simple gesture we are trying to convey every emotion we feel at that moment into that act, all the passion, love, longing, boiled down into one clasp of the hand. It's just one of the amazing things i've found with you, and I long for that touch daily.
Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye singing:
"we're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave"
These are my words
Seventy Four Ninety Nine
Two one one twO
But I don't need a motorcyclist magazine, really... i'm not a motorcyclist.
we're heading east, away from the sun... foolish sun.
soon we'll be together
still missing you
eight scooby snacks
so far away
always on my mind
I burn for, long for, lust, miss, love, want, need you, baby.
Sunday morning... thirty seven days since I last stood in the grace of your presence. I'm trying to reach you on email, but you don't seem to be there, and it is tearing me apart. Last we spoke you said it wasn't a good time to talk, and I haven't heard your voice since. And so I write these words now, not knowing where you are, if you live or die, any of it. And i feel so utterly alone. Alone here, eight hundred miles away from you. Eight hundred miles too many. Oh, baby, I miss you so badly...
Just another day. An ordinary day. Sun came up. Birds sang. Children played. Dogs barked. Cats meowed. The trees sat quietly, dormant, except for the conifers, awaiting the first breaths of spring to revive them. The grass lay withered and yellowed... waiting for the warmth to revive it... for the rains to come to make it grow again. People went to work. Drove cars. The sun went down. The stars came out. And they shone to light the sky... beautiful. And through it all, we go on, a people lost in ourselves, living out our lonely lives in quiet desparation.
A phone call gone wrong. We ended up angry at one another. You became very sarcastic, and I became very defensive. You got more sarcastic, and I got more defensive, each in turn, cyclical, world with out end... and we ended up losing the signal on the cell as I drove to work. And here I am, scribbling these words on the back of my train bulletin. I know you have concerns about this. I have mine as well, but I have faith in us. And that faith overrides my concerns. I wish you had that faith in us too.
Lightning to my thunder. Thunder is loud, brash, unsubtle. Lightning is bright, flashing, beautiful, one of nature's true wonders. Thunder cannot exist without lightning, and lightning invariably leads to thunder. They are inexorably intertwined, woven together forever, each one incomplete without the other. Joined together, they are the heart of the wonder that is a thunderstorm... without them, it's just a lot of piss and wind. Just a stiff breeze and a bit o' rain. But throw in the donner and blitzen, and what a show. An undeniable, irresistable force of nature. Like us when we are together... much stronger.
Verizon has these commericals, where this geeky fuck is walking around saying to his cell phone "can you hear me now? good." He is demonstrating their supposedly seamless wireless digital network, where you always can get signal, talk to people, all digital, etc... sounds good. But reality is different. Half the time, the little fucker shows in analog, half the remaing time it is roaming, half what's left after that it gets no signal. Seamless my ass! I mean, it is annoying to be having a serious conversation with the woman I am in love with, and lose the signal.
Friday the Thirteenth... and already I've been crossed by a damned black cat. Before it's all said and done, I'll probably manage to break a mirror, too. Then I'll truly be screwed.
Truth be told, I didn't used to be superstitious. I mean, I've always beleived in ghosts, but back when I never bought into black cats, knocking on wood, friday the thirteenth, and such. But then I started working on the rails, and my perspective changed. I've seen too much weirdness to dismiss it all so easily.
Never say the word "derailment" in hearing of a train...
Valentine's Day. Supposed to be a happy day, a fun day. Anything but. We talked... it didn't go over all that well. We argued again... about the whole trust thing. Stupid cell kept cutting out... frustrating. And so I ended up pulled over by the side of the road, standing in front of the car, freezing my nether region off, trying to work through this issue with you. People kept passing by, staring at me... One girl stopped and asked if my car was broken... "no", i said, "everything is fine"... wonder if she had any help for shattered dreams.
Time and tide black and white sun and moon surf and song wine and dine tried and true thunder and lightning wind and water fire and ice heart and soul stand and deliver rise or fall win or lose mind and body lock stock and barrel ready steady go artoo and threepio butch and sundance hook line sinker profit and loss corinne and james kirk and spock lost and found dazed and confused fear fire foes francis and elizabeth spit and polish tired and sleepy death and disease feast or famine now and then said and done You and I.
President's day. Celebrating both Abe and George. I suppose all the others too. Like Taft, best president by volume. Or Cleveland- only president to share his name with a muppet. The Johnson boys, presidents by the grace of an assassin's bullet- Andy himelf almost slain same night, if not for the magic of alcohol. Hoover, who gets the rap for the depression, and Roosevelt the younger, who gets the credit for pulling us out. Bill who felt my pain, and Cal who wouldn't mention it if he did. Ron, who won the cold war. Wonder who we'll celebrate next year?
Bad news today. One of my coworkers has cancer. Lymphoma, according to the preliminary tests. the kind you just don't really have much chance of beating. He said he'd be off for six weeks for treatment and that he'd be back... He'll probably never make it back in. I'm writing this on the engine, taking his place on this run. I'm not fit to. Sure, I can do the job, but not take his place. He's a far better person... a far better man. Things like this shouldn't happen to people like him. They should happen to people like me.
twenty three days. twenty three days separate me fom feeling fully alive again. from feeling whole. from feeling the way I do when i'm with you.
There's magic between us. When we are together... I feel so awake, so aware, so invigorated. Colors seem sharper, images more vivid. Things seem deeper, words mean more. Not that we need words. Not when we are together. A simple caress, a touch of the hand, speaks volumes beyond any speech. My whole body tingles, and I can't keep my hands off you. Oh baby, I never want to let go. Twenty three days.
Spam. That clutter that fills the mailbox and plugs the server. Totally undesireable, like the canned mystery meat with which it shares an name. But unlike the processed meat-by-product-loaf we've come to loathe, this stuff pops up if I buy it or not.
On an average day, I get:
One offer to refinance the house.
One offer for insurance.
Two bogus virus warnings.
Three Viagra ads (I guess sex really does run the world)
I have a spamblocker. It doesn't seem to keep these out. I wonder if it can stop the blue can of wretchedness instead.
Pictures of you. I need more. Want more. have to have more. You, the most beautiful on earth, the one I want, the one who makes me feel like no other, Pics of you I want. Pics of us. sitting, talking, holding each other, kissing. I wanna try and catch the lightning in a bottle. I wanna try and make a record of the magic that is us, the passion and love that abounds. I want to make a record of this, so that in the future, when they all look back, they all see the power of our love.
Pain sorrow loss grief. Bliss joy discovery happiness. These emotions I feel daily. One moment up, the next moment down. I know now what it is to be divided- sundered, torn , pulled. But I have known for years, now. This change began long ago. I've been divided. I want to be whole again. I want to be that complete. I want to be part of you, and you part of me. I want us to know only bliss, joy, happiness, pleasure. The good things We've had too much sadness, love. Now, I will focus on your happiness- mine is yours.
Counterpart. The other half. Corresponding thing. That which goes with another. The better half? Flip side of the coin. Threepio to Artoo-Detoo. Watson to Holmes. Frankie to Annette. Two things inexorably intertwined, bound together. Peanut Butter and Jelly. Ice Cream and Hot Fudge- perfect together. Gin and Tonic. The comedian and the straight man: Jerry and Dino. The sun and moon. Earth and Sky. Bound up and wound up sooo tight. Joined at the hip. Meant for each other. Unified. Bow and Violin- what music they make together. Bitter and Sweet. Two halves of a whole, but double the fun.
Friday the Thirteenth Redux.
I fucked up. Screwed the pooch. I posted the untrimmed Friday the Thirteeth entry by mistake. It's like, one hundred and and twenty words. Hopefully the hundred words gods will take pity on me and let me fix it. These words are important to me. But it proves my point- Friday the Thirteeth is no good. I knew something would go wrong. All day went smooth- but this didn't. Unlucky strikes when least expected. Let this be a lesson for all you naysayers. Knock on wood. Salt over shoulder. Avoid black cats. Stay out from under ladders.
GET. LUCKY. CHARM.
If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put "YOU" next to "I"
Is your daddy an alien? Because you are out of this world!
Hey... how you doin'?
How about a pizza and a fuck? (slap) What, you don't like pizza?
That dress would look wonderful on the floor by my bed.
What do you like for breakfast?
Lame lines. I know many. A glib word, light conversation, I'm never at a loss. So why is it when I try to talk to you seriously, I fumble and choke and the words don't flow? Why can't I say it right?
Hannie Caulder. Happy Gilmore. Harry and the Hendersons. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Hart to Hart: Till Death do us Hart. Hart's War. The Haunting of Seacliff Inn. He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not. Hexed. Hiroshima: Out of the Ashes. Hot Desire. Hot Dog... The Movie. The Hot Rock. The Hours. House Arrest. The House of the Spirits. The House that Dripped Blood. Hud.
Many movies to choose from. Some good. Some bad. Some are classics- others classically dismal. Choices like these are easy. Others are not. Easy road, or path less traveled? Safety or Risk?
DO I DARE DISTURB THE UNIVERSE?
Once you said to me that it was a comfort to you, that if they all could see, that they would be amazed by the power of our love. I agreed. It occurs to me that people can see it. They can see it in these words. In the month you wrote before. In these now, are reflections of that love. Images of joy, hope, pain, struggle. Between the rants, random thoughts, tangents, lie pieces of our love. Here they can see. Here they can know. As long as this site remains, so does the record of our love.
Prelude- Dark, closeness- feeling our way. Finding the places, exploring. Peeling away the layers, one at a time, discovering what lies beneath. Enjoying, tasting, touching, deep and soulful, all over. Swifter now, more urgent, hungry, needing... It washes over us, like a wave, pressing together, you open the way for me, to the place I need to be. Entwined, we ride that wave moving, seamless, joined together, one mind, body, heart. Deep within, every movement, every quiver makes me so alive, until we reach the critical moment- The release, exquisite beyond compare. And we lie together, spent, drowning in the glow.
We talked last night... it wasn't the most pleasant of conversations. And then I went to work today... and almost made a real estate transaction. It gives me the willies... by now I should be used to it, the possibility of buying even a small piece of the farm, but this time it shook me quite a bit. A Covered Hopper derailed on the switch I was standing at... tight guage. I ran. And as the car came careening sideways behind me, I thought of you, and of not seeing you again, and of how much i'd miss you. forgive me.
End of the month. twenty nine thousand words. Were they enough? Did I get my point across? Did the meaning i have tried to convey come out in the words I wrote? Or did I fail you and I again? Have I risen above, or sunk so low? Only time will tell. And then there will be your words to read. I am looking forward to that, but am a bit apprehensive as well. It is possible i won't like what i read there, and that you won't like my words, either. But if that is the case, we will survive it. And after all, we have next month, too.
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