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03/01 Direct Link
Torn asunder. Last night we had the most painful exchange ever. As I drove to work, it built in me, and that screaming inside my head, that part of me that has always wanted out, always been screaming silently, found voice. All the grief, desire, longing, pain, guilt, all swept up into one moment. And the agony of the potential loss broke loose my restraint- and I did what I always tey to avoid. I let go. And I screamed aloud, drowing out the radio, the wind, the engine- the loudest scream ever- and in that moment- I found clarity.
03/02 Direct Link
Clarity can be a painful thing, though. And though painful, I have finally woken up. And I have awoken to realize that I have been bound by fear. Supressed by it. Bound by it. And i am still afraid. It is only human, to fear the unknown. But if there is to be a brave new world, I must take action. We may yet fail. We may yet fall into despair. But we will have tried. For of all things, I fear losing you most. And so I shall try. I will rise. And all shall hear the screaming inside.
03/03 Direct Link
Had a bad dream last night... Noelle and Alice were in it, just phantoms, distorted shadows of my mental images of them. Tormenting me, begging me to give them life... to make sure they are born...

no words from you yet... understandable, as you are probably exhausted from your maine excursion. I would be shelled myself. I cannot imagine the going in to work on basically no sleep for two whole days. And you have to drive your truck. I hope you are okay... I know you probably think I'm silly for worrying so much, but I can't help it.
03/04 Direct Link
No... that's okay... it says danger 600 volts on it.
I wonder if Casey Jones ever got this bored with work.
Be advised, we'll have four wheel drive capabilities.
So, most of my paychecks'll go to the jeep... what's your point?
His name should be "Stop that."
He's small, orange, and fuzzy- apparently, I can't compete with that.
MAD SEXY
Water, barley, hops, yeast. A good formula.
My neck is not red enough for NASCAR.
STOP THAT!!!!
I love you.
If you want something done right, just forget it.
03/05 Direct Link
I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today. I have no words today
03/06 Direct Link
My Brother's birthday. Thirty One years old today. Once he gave me, during hell weel, a flashlight which didn't work. A light that didn't work so I would find my own light through the darkness. And find it I did, though it illuminated a far different path. Often I think he already knew it would, even before it did. And though our paths have now diverged, close we remain. And I'm glad we have. They say you don't get to choose family, and that's very true. But if I could choose, I would choose him. I hope he would me.
03/07 Direct Link
I feel you with me always,
though we may be apart.
I know across the country
you are thinking of me,
and knowing it warms my heart.
800 miles between us,
that hold our lives apart.
But distance cannot stop this,
the miles have no meaning,
as long as you are in my heart.
Days they come,
and nights they go.
but always I'm thinking
of this woman I love so...
Thunder has it's lightning,
And together they form a storm,
Beaches have the ocean's tides,
and together form the shore,
Always we'll have each other,
and love forever more.
03/08 Direct Link
Punch the numbers on the door lock- it opens. Step inside- the big room is empty, like normal. Pause for a moment, checking all is in place- sword girded on, cloaks wrapped around, hood on. Draw the hand sickles- spin the handles through the gloved fingers- grip them tight. Deep breath- the door's just ahead...
Through the door- slash to the right- he won't grow old. Cross left- parry, down, up- another falls. They're shapeless, formless, identity unknown- but enemy they are. Spinning now- down another falls, two from one. Reach the door- open it- and wake up.
03/09 Direct Link
Yeah, okay, your skateboard makes you just sooo cool.
Ohioans go to purgatory... they're too cold and wet to burn in the pits.
Bloody weather- it's in leaue with the sun, I know it!!!!
That's right, Dr. Evil, seven billion dollars.
You cannot make a horse drink.
The average person can remember five hundred names... what was mine again?
Buzzards are here
Top of the world- but that chair is so painfully empty.
So's the floor, for that matter.
Spongecake dot com.
The dooce is loose.
Shag now, or shag later?
The space between
I love you madly, babe.
03/10 Direct Link
Abcess makes the heart grow fonder
Boston
Quincy
Beer
TIMMY!
Garish light of day
Old King Coal...
cannot wait to be with you
John Kerry is quite scary
Tremors... the series?!?
Okay, I get it already- this is the last season of friends.
Does not seeing "must see tv" make me a bad person?
Noelle and Alice
She's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky!!!
Why was he a merry old soul, anyway?
"You can surrender without a prayer, but never really pray without surrender"
Jeepasaurus
Tadpoles are apparently not a winner after all.
I still do love you.
03/11 Direct Link
Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation Anticipation
03/12 Direct Link
Today is the big day. I am writing this before I depart. Eleven hours separate us right now. In eleven hours I will stand at last in your presence again. At last I shall see the light in your eyes, the light of our love shining through again. I am acquiver with anticipation. I am so excited, i can't being to tell you. I hope I get there soon enough, so we can go for a drive. I hope you will like the Jeep. I'm wearing the maroon sweatshirt for you... i'm glad you like it. I'm glad you like me. I'm glad we are in love. I am glad we'll get to be together.
03/13 Direct Link
A good day- a whole day with you, my dear. A marvelous day indeed. Traveking your beautiful city with you, seeing all the things you see each day. Dinner with you, as I always want to have it. Shopping with you- that black dress- you looked fantastic- soooo sexy. The common, the frog pond, the statehouse. Holding you, laughing with you, being with you- never have I felt so at home. Making love with you- truly, it is making love- such total fulfillment. It had been too long. I don;t want to part from you- always we should be together.
03/14 Direct Link
I'm at the first stop on the New York thoroughfare- had to stop. I couldn't go on any longer. Had to get under control. I hate leaving you- even more than when you leave me. I asked you not to cry- how can I ask that of you when I can't do it myself? I feel like I'm missing part of me- and with the impending no contact, I'm sure it will get worse. But it was a good day. We saw good stuff, and spent time together. If only this one day could have lasted us forever. If only....
03/15 Direct Link
Why the greenies are stupid:
ONE: we are on top of the food chain. We're supposed to consume other things.
TWO: raping and pillaging the planet is what made us great. do they really want to go back to stone knives and bearskins?
THREE: The hydrogen fuel cell economy is like no no economy at all- it won't take the place of the oil economy.
FOUR: The election of George W. Bush didn't lead to the immediate end of the environment.
FIVE: Weren't you all gonna move to Canada if Bush got elected? You're still here, and I'm talkin' to you, Alec Baldwin.
03/16 Direct Link
Why the hydrogen economy won't work:
The hydrogen people say that the change from fossil fuels to hydrogen will work because the fossil fuel companies will become hydrogen companies. But- who's gonna buy it? One thing about hydrogen is that any one can make it at home cheaply. Are you gonna go to the hydrogen station when you can get it at home? me either. Hydrgogen companies can't sell, go out of business, and you've lost lost of jobs. But hey, the newly unemployed can make hydrogen to fuel the car so they can not buy food with no money.
03/17 Direct Link
Indesicion may or may not be my problem. It's not so much about not making up my mind as to what I want- I know what I want. It is more a matter of deciding on how to get there. Whoever said getting there is half the fun was obviously not in my kind of predicament.
A few unrelated thoughts:
David Schwimmer has no post friends career prospects.
Will Kelsy Grammar ever suceed with a non-cheers related project?
Can Anna Nicole keep of the mass?
Howard Dean was funnier than John Kerry.
What is up with the Polyphonic Spree?
03/18 Direct Link
I am a professional human exit sign.
The chiropractor is a charlatan.
No one listens to poor smeagol
Spider man, Spider man, does whatever a spider can- so, he liquifies his prey's insides and suxks them out?
Orcs do not taste good, apparently.
Are you ready to be my everything?
Hello, Neuman.
Why don't they just call it an el Camino?
Yes, yes I would do it for a scooby snack.
Do you grok Spock?
How do you "grok", anyway?
She's canadian... the other white meat
What does J. look like, I wonder?
When you've only got a hundred words to write.
03/19 Direct Link
This blows. The first complete day of no contact, and I am totally shredded inside. Irritable I have become, snapping at anyone and anything that crosses my path. I feel like the most important thing to me has been taken away. And it has, even if it is only temporary. But what if this becomes permanent? You say that isn't your intent, but what if? What shall become of me then? I know what will become of me: I will become as my screen name, a wraith, a shadow of a man. A Dwimmerlaik indeed I shall become.
03/20 Direct Link
Continued no contact. Painful beyond compare. I cannot deal with the lack of you in my life. I cannot accept it at all. But I must. I have no choice. If I called you up tomorrow, you would probably just hang up on me, get pissed at me for violating the no contact agreement, and not hear what I had to say at all. Hell, you'd probably block the email and change your cell number to boot. And I would never get the chance to say what I called to say. But I know what I'd say: I love you.
03/21 Direct Link
Still more no contact... I constantly check my email, hoping you will have slipped and sent something, anything... a copy of the pictures we took at your place, anything... I know it is all in vain, that you are much stronger than I am, that you won't slip... but I look all the same. I look, just hoping... God I miss you. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder... I am thinking that is true. I am knowing it is true, in fact. I love you so much, honey, I can't even begin to tell you my dearest.
03/22 Direct Link
I can't stand it anymore. I try to talk about things with her, and she totally ignores me. Well, I made her listen yesterday... and instead of having a nice, open dialoge between two adults, a sort of a no hostility, no attacks, dicussion of our feelings, I got to hear about what a bad husband I am. How I never do anything (never mind that anything I try to do I am told to stop because I am doing I "wrong") and how I am a bad person, etcetera. AND THEN get accused of being defensive. Fuck her anyway.
03/23 Direct Link
Peace cannot be acheived by appeasement: It comes only as a result of victory.
Nothing compares... to you
Why didn't Mulder and Scully just do it from the get go- look at how much fun they missed out on.
Seventy Four Ninety Nine
Forty Twenty Three
Trigger Happy
DAMNED SUN!!!!!!!!!!
To hell with the mules... keep loading the wagons
Grow fucking legs already... I'm tired of hearing about no legs.
And swim right side up while you are at it!!!!
She must own stick in scrubbing bubbles.
But what if she's a boy?!?
Missing you
Cadavaliers no longer
I NEED YOU.
03/24 Direct Link
SCI-FI has picked up the TV show "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda". It stars no less a talent than Kevin "Hercules" Sorbo. That's right, Kevin Sorbo. I've seen it a few times in syndication- and it, like most not star trek roddenberry products, pretty much sucks. It may even be worse than "Earth: Final Conflict"- I didn't know that was possible. Not only has SCI-FI picked up the old episodes of Andromeda, they want to spend money on new episodes of it. They may as well make new episodes of hercules. And for this, my friends, they pulled the plug on Farscape.
03/25 Direct Link
No Joy
Lonely
Need you
Invid
Chiropractor, witch doctor... there's no difference, really.
Accupuncture
What would you choose: Sticks, bark, leaves, or the wonderful magic of modern western medicine?
The kitten is developing a cult of personality.
Ballroom Blitz
Don't listen to Tupac, Ben... listen to Snoop!
The Chiropractor is going to be my new "special friend", I can tell.
OUT OF THE SINK!!!!
Ashes of Eden
average everyday sane psycho
I SAID OUT!!!!!
Two scoops of raisins are the reason...
You captivate me
Go go gadget brain stem!
bloated sack of protoplasm
Hanging on every word you say.
03/26 Direct Link
I have decided that I might have been better off being born stupid. Stupid people appear happier. Stupid people don't realize just how much bullshit goes on in the world. A stupid person doesn't see the liberal slant to the mainstream media, and can't get bothered by it. Stupid people don't realize how remarkably foolish most people are, and can't get frustrated by it. An idiot never notices when something's wrong. They never realize how unhappy they truly are. They don't get concerned about the world. They don't worry about the big picture. Being stupid has its advantages.
03/27 Direct Link
I dreamed it again- the grey tabby, the house with my stuff- and you. But you weren't pregnant this time. This time, as I held you in my arms, you held her in yours. Our Noelle. Our child. Our daughter. Our family- You and I and her- complete- and happy.

In other news- after a year of fucking around, medical professionals think they finally know what is wrong with my grandmother:
Cancer
At the bottom of her esophagus.
Yep- goin' good here- no contact with you, poor outlook on the homefront, grandmother with cancer. Just wanna crawl under a rock and weep.
03/28 Direct Link
Observations:
There's nothing quite like trying to have a serious, deep, meaningful conversation with a person, without distractions, and have them tell you that "Isn't fair to the kitten- he's been cooped up all day."
When one feels the other doesn't really care, or take their concerns seriously, It becomes hard to care.
When a person tells you nagging bugs them, and you take an offer of help from them as an opportunity to nag- that's bad. It shows you didn't care or weren't paying attention.
When you insist someone pick what's for dinner- don't bitch about the choice.
03/29 Direct Link
I'm bored with TV shows ending... sex and the city, friends, etc... I don;t watch 'em anyway, so I don;t want to hear about it. I mostly watch history, discovery, SCI-FI, Fox News, and Cartoon Network. Shows never really end on these networks- they just tend to repeat endlessly- a ceaseless cycle of visual stimulus. This results in a comfortable familiarity- sort of a TV safety net. Besides, it is fun to watch the Pauls fight, things blow up, bad actingt, and Wile E. fall down canyons. And new, well, that's EDUtainment. Of course, it's mostly explosions now, too.
03/30 Direct Link
Be advised that it goes poorly here. She fails to take this seriously- says its because we don't see each other enough. Talk about oversimplification-and talk about blaming something else for our problems. It'll be the weather's fault next, I'm sure... then the blame will be mine, perhaps, but surely never hers. This will never work out, I think- but I'll flail along a bit longer... but time is running out. The path is clearing before me now... I am becoming ever more sure of whatI want. I can't stay like this forever- wanna go forward.
with you.
03/31 Direct Link
I hope you get your words logged this time. I need your thoughts on things. I'm sick of no contact. I now know just how much communicating with you means to me. Without you, the sun is dimmed, the moon won't shine right, the stars dull. I'm not happy. Each day, I check the email, hoping against hope that you'll have relented and sent something, anything. I love you and miss you very much. Your words, your voice, everything. Lightning and Thunder. I'm incomplete. Complete me. Make me whole. I wish I knew if you feel as I do now.