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My first 100.
Today he asked me to go steady with him. With all my heart, I said
. He honored it with his most precious ring.
By his being inspired this way, I felt as though we'd been redeemed of the "meantime" - the slate drawn clean for our love to emerge without shadows from each other's past.
Slowly, gently, quietly, beautifully unveiling itself.
His warm, contagious laughter.
His soft, caressing eyes.
His strong, solid embrace.
His loving, penetrating heart.
With each layer of his heart and soul that's revealed, I love him more and more.
No two days are alike.
Neither are two images of the same object in two different mirrors.
Sometimes we act in the same way and expect different results.
What works one day just brings us to our knees on another.
No shortcuts in parenting, as in all relationships.
Sometimes when we think we're right, we realize we don't know a damn thing.
At least not at the moment.
I'm left with a sense of unknowing.
Perhaps it's in this emptiness that I can discover a new way.
No two ways are alike even when they appear to mirror each other.
Which road to follow.
Can I take more than one road at once?
Don't they all, ultimately, lead back to God?
It's the little stuff that matters.
Do I smile at the stranger on the elevator?
Maybe it'll soften the frown and just for a moment shift us into our heart space just long enough to remember.
In a meditation I once saw us all as light beings all connected by one beam of light.
Moving freely, we danced without touching the ground.
We were so beautiful!
Complete with all the colors within us.
Each other's existence our own.
He touches my soul, no doubt, Stephen.
My heart in unison sheds another layer.
Tears caress my eyes.
God holds me.
Future, present, and past all happen at once.
The emotional pain of the past so strong it feels like hundreds of daggers all over.
I'm that child again - fearful, abused, confused.
Then I'm God's child held in His loving embrace.
Nothing to fear.
I rest my spirit in God, and the rest of me in my love's embrace.
He is my love, no doubt - my one and only.
Where to begin.
Feels like we've catapulted through a lifetime of experiences in just ten days, yet I'm where I was when we first made eye contact.
I'm in my heart and he's right there with me.
He's not his disease.
I see his beautiful soul, and I love him so.
I know his heart and he knows mine.
He is a beautiful and soulful man.
A compassionate, caring, faithful man.
Passionately living life.
With God, our love gets stronger and we grow closer to God.
Our souls have been making love from the moment we first met.
If I could gather the love I've known in relationships, it wouldn't fill even an instant of the love he and I have shared in these eleven days.
If giving up this love meant I'd never hurt again, I'd willingly delve into the pain.
If I died today, my soul would soar without regret or want, for now I know love.
For there is no greater love than that which coming from our love for God, pours from us to our beloved's heart, healing each other's pain, even as the world appears full of holes, falling to pieces.
Life can be lived simply and joyfully if we allow it.
When spirit leads – our hearts follow.
Active day, yet so full of a peace and joy I've sought for so long.
It carried forward from last night and has been building on itself for the last 13 days and nights.
A peace from feeling that my heart is at rest and wants me to let go and let God.
He brings such love, joy, and richness to my life.
He's the best, simply the best.
He has reached me in ways I didn't know anyone could ever reach me.
We're smiling, laughing, talking, listening, opening, sharing, crying, holding, fearing, loving.
The more we do, the more we want to continue.
I want to show him my entire world.
I know that with each piece I unveil, I risk more.
Memories come flooding forth and I can't stop them before they pour out of my mouth and then seem to hang in midair.
I hold my breath.
These ghosts of the past – if they've no place or purpose here, I sure hope they move on for good.
I make room for our love to be, to shine forward, for us.
The day I didn't do my 100. It's actually the 10th as I write this. I went to his therapist with him for the first time yesterday. We embraced soulfully afterward as it rained beautifully.
I continue this writing three weeks later. He should be at his therapist office now.
Everything has changed – in me.
I know he is a soul to be loved. Trying so hard to be happy and whole. Says he's full of wholes. Sometimes doesn't see himself, like we all do at times.
The hurt is very deep. The faith runs deeper still. I must trust.
His love moves me, moves inside me.
It's in my eyes, my hair, my heart, my breath, my skin, my laugh, my joy, my longing for him.
His soul reaches for me and into my past, my illusions, my fears, my darkness, the feelings that never reached words.
We reach toward each other across space, ghosts of the past, the many disguises of fear, and across the silence, the pain, the darkness, the broken-ness, the abysms.
Through this love that moves our souls we are each other and our love is complete.
He's right here next to me as I write my 100 today.
We write together, each our own 100.
My life began anew seventeen days ago and today our love initiated yet another exquisitely beautiful and invigorating journey.
If words could express the deepest happiness, joy and love,
If words could portray the truth, compassion and honor shared,
If words could capture God's beauty as expressed through this, our love,
Then we would spend our lives dancing with words, among words, clothed in words, bathed in words, just so we could share with you the love that is in us.
He writes so, so very beautifully.
Like paint coming alive on a canvas, his heart pours through his hand and through the ink into words onto the page.
He is the most beautiful man and soul I have known.
I have the honor, privilege, and joy of sharing in love with him.
We are blessed.
In this love, as ghost pains arise, it feels safer and safer to allow them, to feel them through.
Finally, we're able to let some of them go, inviting them to be transformed.
Love is true, true as God's grace.
Some days in our lives we honor silently, almost imperceptibly.
Then there's the day we allow ourselves to be king or queen for the day.
Smiles, embraces without arms, love a shiny glint in our lover's eyes, greeting cards carefully created or chosen, flowers asking that we unveil our hearts.
Tonight sleep comes sooner than I'm ready.
I fight it because I know this day will never repeat itself as itself, but now I must sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Good night.
Tuned in with more of our lives coming into focus, we discover connections between experiences - some waking, some dreaming - that were hidden from us before, and another piece comes into focus.
Just knowing, brings a certain peace.
In this certain peace, he is, without a doubt, present to me.
And in spite of the missing pieces, the fuzzy memories, I see who he is as he sees who I am, and I keep being stricken with how incredibly lovable he is, and how we have entered into each other's body, heart, and soul.
In the spirit of love.
Joy doesn't come from what we do, but from who we allow ourselves to be.
I knew this today as I interacted with strangers and friends at church.
All I had to do was show up and be.
I do hope it made a difference to someone.
It surely did for me, especially since my daughter was right there beside me.
I trust that the love and joy exchanged, resonated with her heart.
Perhaps this quiet joy and gentle peace are an extension of the love that my beloved, Stephen, and I share.
His essence never leaves me.
Perhaps we must be out of our minds to know true love, to be willing, as we are, to believe and trust, building bridges between our souls, invisible to our eye, yet perceived clearly with a vision beyond our physical senses.
A purity of heart, a raw sincerity, a willingness to delve deeper then the deepest pain we've ever known, into this intimacy that beacons so intensely.
Focused, pure, unobstructed, a clarity like the light of a full moon, an intensity like the horizon just before sunset, a love out of this world.
We must be out of our minds.
Our souls have been married, no separation left between, only a continuation from the one to the other like the ebb and flow of the tide as it caresses the lap of mother earth.
The union of our souls moves and flows in unison, the direction is not what matters, it's that we move as one, with God as our direction, in total, utter naked trust, raw faith, and a love that surpasses physical and emotional expression.
We see into each other and of necessity cannot hide who we are, nor who we see in each other.
Scared I retrieve into my circle of darkness like a magic cape behind which I become invisible.
I retreat where no one can see me, where no one can find me.
I want desperately to be found, but only by love.
But for so long and in so many ways, it wasn't love that awaited me when I dared emerge.
It was safer to be in the darkness than anywhere else, even though the hurt was so big I though it would consume me.
I wanted to be dead to those around me so they wouldn't hurt me anymore.
He gives me flowers – white carnations, red roses, all sizes – lattes, flower vases, 100 words, painting, hearts.
We share warm hugs, sweet kisses, passionate love, strong assurance, sincere laughter, and the freedom to cry, and to be.
He gives me his love, his fears, he gives me himself, and I to him without reserve.
Together we make joy, me make dreams come true, we make magic.
Beautiful, simple, deep, soulful, truthful, joyful, compassionate, sincere, open, fearless, strong gentle, courageous, passionate, real he is.
Our love building upon itself, roots reaching deep, we move in the sacred beauty of our love.
Life in one day of work, play, love, movement, and prayer.
One day of hazardous chemical scenario reviews, barbeque, scones, and coffee mixed into lattes.
Running the dog around the slightly hilly neighborhood, reading the taunting musings mixed with disguised facts in the Da Vinci Code novel, colorful veggie medleys; sharing, deeply loving, talking, talking, talking (we could talk for days and even while making love).
Our daily eggs over easy with slightly toasted seeduction or honey wheat bread.
Choosing sterling silver earrings like a prayer, all along talking, talking, talking with each other, building a life out of love.
I read in bed for hours past morning, something I'd almost forgotten how to do.
I soaked in the peace, quiet, unhurriedness, until I was full.
This after sleeping in my love's embrace all night and into morning, waking to our amazing love, breakfast, laughter and caressing before he left for class.
Later, in my car in the busy store parking lot we held hand, prayed and meditated reaching within ourselves that abode of serenity that's always available to us.
Tonight I sketched my first charcoal with his tutoring, a crucifix with a peaceful Jesus in soft white flames – rebirthing?
If I'm to write about the most important part of the day, what would I write?
(Yes, I admit I'm having trouble writing today).
Breakfast in bed with my beloved, then sharing church was a beautiful way to start the day.
Perhaps most significant was talking through an uncomfortable experience of a human behavior and being able to stay present and sincere, holding each other in love and trust until the whole of us was back together and we could experience our commitment and our love without reserve once more.
Now, legs embraced, we write in bed, moving into love.
Excited, we ran faster. Focused way ahead, we never saw the cliff until we ran right off. Somehow the girls went to the right and I straight ahead. I knew they were in worse danger. Once in the water, I hurried to them, in complete fear, and found my only daughter and her friend face down in shallow water, lifeless.
Mercifully brought to full awakening while still in shock, I immediately became aware I'd been dreaming.
Writing about it, I've started to realize the dream was not a premonition, but tells of a beginning of some sort, not an ending.
The experience of love sometimes gets lost in the coldness of the technical work that I do. And getting back to the warm and loving connections and expression, especially for those closest to my heart – my children and my honey – seems to be a journey in itself. Like revving up a cold engine, a part of me struggles to get back to the place where truth happens and love is experienced fully. Once back there, I long to stay in this love.
A love with varied faces, paces, spaces, gestures, voices, and silences.
But a love with only one presence.
Indifference to intensity - sadness, anxiety, pain, worry, fear, joy, love, anger, guilt, relief. Smothered, no boundaries. How to love so intensely yet not get lost and not lose our lifeline to our inner guidance?
To ponder, be inspired, be with myself, listen to my heart and soul, talking with God. Craving inner quiet. Meandering mazes. It's how I live - seeking Spirit within- because I've already died before.
Transformation into new awareness.
Don't want to run this time, just retreat into the quiet of my soul to fill my cup with God.
Without this, there can be no us.
A simple joy, a deepening connection and presence in God. I long for a deeper and perhaps more conscious presence in God such that my life, every moment, is for bringing healing awareness to others through God's joy and love.
A simple life, perhaps surrounded by a garden worked lovingly and willingly setting plants to root and grow as we set seeds of faith to pull us through when pain threatens.
A simple prayer, for release from fear, for release from ego, for forgiveness and forgiving, for release from anger, hurt, or any and all sin.
A life for God.
Lost within living this day, my worries seem to dissipate. Serving others through my work and serving my children and pet at home. Gently, almost imperceptibly, weaving emerging awareness out of the unraveling of worries, into my love relationship and into all of my living. Being as totally immersed as possible in this moment – whether the path is inward, outward, or to unknown or unrecognizable dimensions – brings peace and bears witness to our choices. I choose to love and I suspect that being present will be revealing and I won't even know it's happening until it is and I am.
Something has shifted within me and continues to do so. I can't explain it. It's something stronger than reason and, even though somewhat familiar, there seems to be something different now. I believe I truly have come to love him, and yet I cannot reciprocate what he wants. I have a compelling need to be alone right now. To be in solitude and in prayerful silence listening to that still, small voice within that seems to be telling me something I don't understand or can't hear because of all the busy-ness and pressure. I feel pulled in so many directions.
I don't have the energy, focus or desire to write. I'd rather fill myself with words of wisdom from others. But I committed to writing, so here I am.
Our children grow toward adulthood and yet remain children to us. We just gradually loosen our hold and it becomes easier to not worry as their absences increase. Trust and faith become our mantras, as our relationship with our Father deepens.
At this time, forming a life with a love partner just does not seem feasible. I don't know why in the midst of love, my desire for that life weakens.
The Tip Jar