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BY ldfa

10/01 Direct Link
Murder in paradise&Anna had just finished reading an article about a school shooting in Paradise, Pennsylvania. The third one in the county in a week. She stood by her window for a couple of minutes, smoothing her hair, a gesture she did whenever she felt the tears coming. It had almost been a year. The Paradise gunman had killed himself. Just like the shooter who destroyed her paradise. The modus operandi was the same, some lunatic, hurt in the past, with a highly distorted sense of perception as a result. So they say. So she forced herself to believe. Unsuccessfully.
10/02 Direct Link
- I am all for socially responsible corruption! - What are you talking about dear, did you fall on your head? Or is it the heat? - No, seriously. You can't ask those politicians not to be corrupt, it goes against their profound nature.So what you could advocate instead is a mild form of corruption. For example, instead of allocating contracts to the company with the largest bribe, they should go to the company most appropriate for the job and negotiate their bride with them. It should prevent corruption induced death, like for the Probo Koala Konnerie in Cote d'Ivoire
10/03 Direct Link
So which man would not want to date a model? Just for the social recognition, for that spark of envy in other people's eyes when he'd nonchalantly disclaim oh, my girlfriend is a model! Have they ever thought that standards of beauty for models are partly set by designers, who are for most part what straight men fear to be associated with the most: gay. They don't want to be gay, but they don't mind accepting what gay men say is beautiful as their only criteria. They don't understand that women can be so much more than their mensurations. Go figure
10/04 Direct Link
You have your dumb self and your smart self. You have your tempered self and your calm self. They come and go and leave and stay and get you in trouble or save. I disagree, some people are dumb all the times! Maybe, but in some circumstances, their stupidity turns into brilliance. Life is such a game of tenacity and plain old luck Tell me about it Want a drink? I need to drown my sorrow into a lot of alcohol, after all it's something that's only going to happen once in my life, getting fired from my first job.
10/05 Direct Link
Dreamt of him last night. Very pleasant. We were talking, saying all those things that had been standing between us since day one& What goes through the mind of a man who rapes a three-year-old girl? The little girl's mind is easier to read: numbness, horror, indescribable pain. She doesn't speak to men anymore. What goes through the mind of a man who rapes a three-year-old girl? What Africa am I from? The Black, the opulent, the carefree, the ominous, the wild, the misunderstood, the prematurely squashed. How do I sweeten my tongue not to hurt and be hurt?
10/06 Direct Link
He was the only topic she wanted to talk about but the only subject she was avoiding. She had the only mouth he wanted to kiss, but he would not look at her. She offered him her heart, her life, her soul, but he did not want any part of her. He was willing to give her his all, but she wanted nothing from him. She dreamt about him every night and woke up wishing she was asleep so she could be with him. He stayed awake all night, daydreaming, wishing she was right there imagining her asleep, peaceful, loved.
10/07 Direct Link
Did I not do it because I realized he was just another asshole, an issue-ridden asshole, but an asshole all the same? Or is it that I am really in love with Al? Or is it that I did not drink enough? Or is it that I wasn't feeling it? Or is it that the ship has sailed? Or is it that I was tired? Or is that he wasn't enough? Or is it that I am becoming me? Or is it that the surprise effect has worn out? Or is it that I wasn't missing his kisses? Or what?
10/08 Direct Link
Love is not the opposite of hate, it's the same damn thing. Love and hate generate the same kind of passion, trigger the same kind of irrational actions. You can distinguish them a contrario, by using their opposite. Courage is the opposite of hate: in order not to hate, one needs courage to seek out understanding, to annihilate the fear of others, the fear of yourself. The opposite of love is fear. People who are scared of abandoning themselves cannot know love. People who are afraid of opening themselves to others, people who fear getting hurt, will never know love.
10/09 Direct Link
For those brief moments, where she stuffed fear, dread, joy, apprehension, excitement into my mouth, for all those brief moments that made her life a living hell for so long and still do to a lesser extent, for all those times she had spoken to soon, too fast, inappropriately, for all those moments that defined her. Camille prayed every night to be liberated from those times. One day, she took a pair of scissors and started shredding every single piece of fabric she had in her house, as she would have liked to shred the fabric of her life, deceit.
10/10 Direct Link
I hate when I turn the mix of apprehension and excitement contained in a possible new opportunity into fear and into stuffing my self until all I can do is lying on my back like a turtle, overturned, lying powerlessly on its shell. I didn't need your confession to brighten my day, but if you want to play the hate game, let's go for it. I hate when the whole world tells me that I am beautiful smart and funny, but that I don't even have one person who would want to get close enough to me to confirm it.
10/11 Direct Link
There are those who destroy others, for entertainment, because they can, because they can't help it, because they don't know how else to use their power, because they don't understand that all lives are linked in one way or another, that the destruction they cause now, is going to come back and bite them, or maybe not them, their children, their grandchildren. Maybe they push stupidity as far as not caring& There are those who destroy themselves, sometimes they bring other people down as well, sometimes they are just alone in their perdition and their loss, anger and their inadequacies.
10/12 Direct Link
My stomach is full. Disgust filled it to the top last night. I am hungry, I haven't eaten a thing all day. But I can't eat. Food does not appeal to me anymore. Fuck, I am not going to fucking starve over the fucking asshole. He is not worth it. The anger is great though, I didn't know I had it. The determination, the resolution, the fierceness. I was so angry, I couldn't stop shaking. In the animal kingdom, the closest image of how I felt is a rabid pit-bull with saliva drooping out of his mouth. Ready to attack&
10/13 Direct Link
Empty heart. It's not because I wanted it to happen, it's less painful when it actuall does happen. What a big blow. I walked away. I can't fight. Not for him. He is not worth it. I had always known about the bullshit. His lies. His childish behavior.I just closed my eyes because of physical attraction. He was a total sexual low patch too, not total, but definitely inconsistent, arrogant and well I've had better. So I walked away. Being a bitch had never felt that good. I walked away, jumped from joy, went into shock, freed myself. About time.
10/14 Direct Link
No amount of blankets could stop Leila from shivering. She felt cold, not just because of the temperature in the damp basement room. It was as if someone had injected ice in her blood. Her heart, her brain felt numb. She couldn't stop shaking. Five, ten minutes passed. She started feeling herself again, she started feeling her body. The worst had passed. She was out of the state of shock. Physically at least. Emotionally, she was still dumbstruck. So much nothingness. So little class. She cursed herself for falling, but was proud of what had just happened. She was free.
10/15 Direct Link
That night, the rich kente cloth scarf turned into a symbol. It wasn't just a wardrobe accessory forgotten at some lover's place. It was a gift from her mother, precious gift she had left behind in a house that now symbolized everything she loathed and everything she had ever been taught to loathe. She knew she would spend a sleepless night if she didn't get it out of his apartment. She had never called anyone so frantically, she was like mad, possessed. She wanted it to be done, over with. That night. She wanted no part of her with him.
10/16 Direct Link
He kicked the eating disorder out of her. Very hard. He kicked so hard she grew ten years older in two days. He kicked hard, as hard as his weak mind allowed him to do. But she grew stronger. He ignited that flame inside of her. The flame that years of polishing and of hammering at her self-esteem had put off. He ignited the blaze that would propel to the peak of the peak of the Himalayas. She could only thank him for that&She could not completely regret their encounter, she could not regret the sex, not all of it&
10/17 Direct Link
The current politico-military strife will blind you to the real beauties of Cote d'Ivoire and its people. Don't move yet, not right now, but if your decision is irremediable, this is what you need to do. Put down that camera of yours, you are no tourist anymore. You need your real eyes to see what's around you, open them, wide. Put aside all your prejudices and clichÃÆ'©s about third world countries, do not unpack them, do get your shots done and bring a stack of malaria pills, but for the rest, relax and observe what's around you. Appreciate the simplicity.
10/18 Direct Link
Regardless of the type of relationship, there is a minimum of sensitivity that has to be there, which distinguishes us from animals (even if one could argue that a strictly physical relationship is as close to "animal" as it could get...) and prevents us from raping, killing..... What makes you think that if a guy acts abusively in a strictly physical relationship, he is not going to act the same way in a full-scale relationship? The lack of class remains, maybe he'll put on coating and coating of smoothness and sweetness at the beginning, but it will resurface one day...
10/19 Direct Link
Talk to locals, mingle with them, learn the latest coupÃÆ'©-decalÃÆ'© moves and show them off on a dance floor during one of those heated nights out, avian flu dance, toxic waste dance, Guantanamo dance. Notice how music and dance are used as outlets for social and political issues. ...Listen to all those loud musical stories&Listen to all those silent stories too. Notice how people are so desperate to make a living, understand how some young people would rather risk dying in a small canoe on a trip to Europe, than stay in a country in which they don't, & can't, believe&
10/20 Direct Link
After my mother and I argued about whether or not Rwanda and Cote d'Ivoire were facing similar situations, she sent me a book she had just finished reading, which was unavailable in the USA. I was completely engrossed by the story Patrick de Saint-Exupery told in L'inavouable. The Machiavellism, contempt for human life and horror described chapter after chapter made me pause several times. I talked about the novel to a Wesleyan professor and she suggested that I translate the book. So I started. It wasn't easy, but I strongly believed that the story deserved to reach an English-speaking audience.
10/21 Direct Link
Power is the antithesis of love& Power is the antithesis of creativity&. So many aspire for power, when they should be vying for love As love can be powerful in a way that power cannot. Love inspires devotion, power uses fear Love inspires respect, power encourages sneakiness Love is the ultimate power, the power that pushes to positive change and creativity. To becoming good at something and good at being&Power might make you good at something, but it can never make you good at being. What they are we, if we don't know how to be, only how to do?
10/22 Direct Link
They asked her if she wanted to have her sheets turned out. Wow, that's what I am talking about. Class! Being so fucking rich and spoiled that someone has to come and undo your bed sheets for you. Open the sheets so all you have to do is to slip your lazy ass between freshly cleaned, neat-smelling white sheets. If that's not decadence, I don't know what is. Lisa said no, she didn't need her sheets turned out, in, on, off, whatever. She couldn't let another black woman come into her room to do just that, just lift the comforter&
10/23 Direct Link
Horniness, loneliness, despair, discontentment, shopping, malaise, power. Clearly no inspiration, more like a vague lassitude, dear solitude. K and his girlfriend look really cute together, I could have been her, but what is my freaking problem. Why isn't anyone good enough for me. Not destined to blend in the walls, that I know. So I am not going to start now. Will just let life happen to me. And will make things happen that I know I have a clear vision of. Like those projects with S. Will get started on those first thing tomorrow. Can't wait to see&try
10/24 Direct Link
He was handling the stick like a marching band baguette. Small, large dark sunglasses, alien silhouette. His teeth were shining in the gleaming sun. Cold sun. Sun that shines without warming, sun that you can only find in those parts of the world where warmth is not a second nature to humans, just an accessory. Foolish sun, foolish those, who unsuspecting, believe it to be that warm sun. Not the killing one, merciless, but the warm sun that welcomes you into his rays, seeking to comfort and protect you. Seeking to replenish you with vitality and energy...Superman knows the difference.
10/25 Direct Link
It only hit me after I left the store. She wasn't trying to be helpful&because she had asked once, I said I was fine, twice, I was fine, three times, I was fine still. Then she finally asked if she could take my bags. She was worried I was going to steal. What a bitch. I am so glad I have this gold card. It shut her down. She almost forgot to give me my bags back. Our reputation precedes ourselves! Black, loud, poor, dishonest! Thieves! Lucky her I just wanted to shop and did not let myself be bothered&
10/26 Direct Link
How do you not blend in? I have never seen so many beautiful black women and black men in the same place. Atlanta, Georgia. College students for the most part. I started feeling insecure, feeling fat and ugly. Started feeling like I could not compare my achievements to there. But, wait a minute&. Those are the same patterns, self-destructive that have been plaguing my life for so long. It takes strength of character, to believe in yourself, to have faith, believing is seeing. Seeing your potential, understanding your abilities. Others matter, sure, as role-models, competitors, but never put yourself down&
10/27 Direct Link
I have been feeling so lonely those past couple of weeks, after the Ed Debacle, ED also known as eating disorder, it's funny how far imagination can take you&.I am over the anger, the blame. All that's left is emptiness. I don't miss him. I miss the sex. He wasn't that good, but he was. He was inconsistent, but he was. He was an idiot, but he was. Now, what's left is nothing. Forgiving myself, I forgave him. It's good that I cannot forget, because learning is not about forgetting&it's about taking notes. I have notes all over my body&
10/28 Direct Link
I have been feeling so lonely those past couple of weeks, after the Ed Debacle, ED also known as eating disorder, it's funny how far imagination can take you&.I am over the anger, the blame. All that's left is emptiness. I don't miss him. I miss the sex. He wasn't that good, but he was. He was inconsistent, but he was. He was an idiot, but he was. Now, what's left is nothing. Forgiving myself, I forgave him. It's good that I cannot forget, because learning is not about forgetting&it's about taking notes. I have notes all over my body&
10/29 Direct Link
- Come and have those special chocolate squares. They are called dark chocolate espresso premiums. Caffeine, fat, chocolate, everything you need to stay healthy! - You are funny, I am not healthy, so I need something to get to that state before I can actually stay there! - Chocolate also has some flavanoids that will help you stay happy and enable you to live in a pink and jolly world! - Well, you know you are quite a chocoholic! - I know and it's my mission on earth to spread the joy of eating chocolate with every person I meet
10/30 Direct Link
I did not want to leave. Those three days felt like three hours. I had not have enough of my brother and my sister, of that unconditional love and affection, of their idiosyncrasies that I couldn't stand but I was learning to tolerate. Everyone is a little weird in this family. Yup, c'est ca tu parles doucement. And we all laughed. It was fun, it was nice, it was comforting to be taken care of, to be laughed at, to be listened to, to listen, to care, to smile, laugh, sulk, all in the name of family, friendship and love.
10/31 Direct Link
She had known from the beginning that she could not keep him forever. She respected him and admired his resolve. She missed him terribly though. She had mentioned to him once that she was scared of what would happen to their relationship once he found a girlfriend. He reinsured her, saying that he would still talk to her, that it was different with her, I tell you everything. The facts proved him wrong. She could feel him withdraw and suddenly gone he was. Alone she was. One more time. Heartbreak that will last longer than the stars in the sky&.