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Here we are again at our favorite pizza joint. Hardly a date, but it does have that feeling. The first time we came here it was one of those unforgettable days. Lazy afternoon in the sun. Met for coffee, progressed to my garden where we got dirty. Then in the early evening heat, showed up for pizza.
It couldn’t have been planned any better.
It was a shame the evening had to end. Were we trying to recapture that day by returning here? If so, I’m pretty sure we were completely unsuccessful. My heart is now deflated. The memories fade.
The little boy, no older than six, rushed up to me. He had on cute pleated khakis and a bright yellow shirt. I was caught off guard when he started to speak to me. I had to ask him to repeat what he’d tried to tell me.
“Mister, you have a weird shaped head.”
Bold, to the point, acute observation. But how do you handle being insulted by a tike? I smiled, asked him if he believed it was true. And he nodded yes. Only minutes later, I had a dozen snappy comebacks. All too late, though. The damage’s done.
After chatting for half an hour, we ended our call. But I was swept into a vortex of doubt. Welcome to the new fears. Could I possibly train enough within the next 26 weeks? How will temperature affect me? What will the swell be like? What about darkness?
Then I realized these weren’t fears.
I was overwhelmed with questions. Ones which I just can’t answer at the moment. Maybe in 26 weeks I’ll know these answers. But right now, they are out of my control. Except for training. That’s within my grasp. I must try to leverage wisdom into confidence.
January is the month when we turn over a new leaf. Couples find it’s also time to go their separate ways. Don’t wait for a new calendar to break-up.
Staying in an awful relationship ruins the season.
Why waste it? Make a change, right now. Avoid making that dreaded trip to visit the future in-laws. Save a little cash and completely skip getting a gift. Plus, there’s plenty of parties to choose from. You won’t have to run into your ex. Lots of opportunities to meet someone new. On the bright side, your rebound could happen before New Year’s Eve.
No wonder Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady fell for each other. They’re a match made in heaven. In a survey, women were asked ‘What Makes a Man Sexy’? They said his job helped shape his image. Writing computer software is not sexy.
Almost any man who wears a uniform is sexy.
In particular, being an athlete is very sexy. Heck, in high school the sexiest guy on campus is the quarterback. Real life isn’t much different than high school. Especially, in Hollywood. For instance, the men believe sexy is all about outward appearances. Top of the list: actresses and models.
A word of caution to overly protective mothers: You could be using your baby stroller completely wrong. One thing they’ve been doing for an eternity is having children face forward in strollers. Almost all of them are designed that way.
Doctor Suzanne Zeedyk says (quote) “For many babies today, life in a stroller is emotionally impoverished and possibly nerve-racking. Stressed babies grow into anxious adults.”
Pediatricians studied nearly 3000 baby-parent interactions with modern strollers. The children who were wheeled face-to-face with mom seemed to be better-adjusted. They have more opportunity to bond. There was more laughter, talking and physical interaction.
High heel shoes are expensive. We’re talking astronomically expensive. To the tune of 60 million dollars. Doctors claim that is the cumulative amount we spend on health coverage for twisted ankles, unsightly bunions and knee pain caused by high heels. While we all love our high heels, wearing them for prolonged periods is bad news for our health – and our purse.
Plastic surgeons have a new solution.
They’ll plump the balls of your feet with silicone injections. The additional padding relieves the discomfort. You can wear heels all night. Plus, your boyfriend is thrilled he won’t have to carry them.
Women cut their hair really short in times when they’re uninterested in sex. It’s an obvious signal by (quote) “deliberately reducing her attractiveness” to men.
Luxurious hair is an aphrodisiac.
Just look at the photos in magazines and catalogues. Victoria’s Secret, Redbook and Cosmo. Do you need another example? Pantene’s TV commercials. Glossy, shoulder-length hair is the ultimate expression of a woman at her sexual peak. Especially when it’s tossed from side-to-side. Whack it really short and you’re essentially saying you’re out of the game. To every guy walking down the street, but also the man in your own bed.
Who to point the finger at for this economic crisis? Blame the men. Whether it’s an expensive car, new power tool, or an oversized mortgage. Guys are more likely to spend too much for it. Overpaying for a bottle of champagne is part of proving their status.
The ones who’re financially risky are also more likely to be sexually aggressive.
Men are just afraid of appearing frugal. They’ll toss down too much money just to impress a woman. Guys value time over money. In their eyes, it’s cheaper to overpay now and make up the difference with the next paycheck.
A production of “The Nutcracker” was halted after backstage smoke alarms were activated and water sprinklers engaged. But there wasn’t a blaze at the theatre.
Apparently, the young ballerinas were overzealous with the hairspray.
A witness says “Back in the dressing room, 20 girls had been furiously spraying their hair to get it to behave.” Over 1500 ticket-buyers were evacuated. 200 dancers in costumes waited in the street. Firefighter Rob Freeman said (quote) “A room with 20 girls in tu-tus spraying hairspray around can set off smoke alarms. The cloud of hairspray was thick. It’s like steam from a shower.”
Where will your Christmas tree go once the holidays are over? While shopping for your Christmas decorations, it makes sense to consider the question. Environmental-friendly shoppers know how to “Reduce, Reuse and Recycle”. More places are encouraging Christians to go “GREEN”.
Reduce: It’s perfectly OK to purchase a smaller Christmas tree. Santa Claus will think of you just the same. No matter what size you select.
Reuse: Pine trees can be placed along the shoreline to prevent water erosion.
Recycle: A tree chipper will turn your Christmas into spring Daffodils. Wood chips naturally enrich the soil and help flowers blossom.
A winner has been declared in the ultimate battle between the sexes. At least one doctor -- who happens to be male -- says it’s best to leave the toilet seat in the upright position. Doctor Joe Philip has documented the tragic consequences when the toilet seat is left down.
Boys in the potty-training years have tried to put the seat up. Only to have it crash back down on their crotch. Ouch
Which begs the next question: Wouldn’t a female doctor have compassion for little girls fighting an upright toilet seat? Doesn’t leaving it up endanger her as well?
Over 100 years ago, the super-wealthy used to play games at their dinner parties. One of the all-time favorites was having a “weigh-in” -- before and after the meal.
They’d gamble large sums of money on who came closest to guessing their after-dinner weight.
This was back in the late 1800s, when only millionaires could afford a scale. They were decorated with ivory, silver and precious emeralds. It took the “middle class” to make them affordable. Then hide the scale in the bathroom. Now your weight is a very private matter. Only you and your doctor really knows that number.
In the near future, you’ll be able to watch your dreams a second time. Scientists created a machine to capture (while you sleep) the video images in your brain. After you wake, you’re able to review your dreams. Psychologists believe this may eventually lead to accurate dream analysis.
So far, the images are fuzzy.
They’ve got a long way to go before your dreams are re-created in HD. This could also become downright “Orwellian”. Your thoughts could become crimes. Detectives might unlock the secrets inside your head. Download images from your memory. The places you’ve been. The people you’ve seen.
An elementary school cafeteria worker has been forced onto the unemployment line because she’s a “retired” porn star. Rumors started to fly. Parents realized the playground monitor -- with Triple-G cups -- had a raunchy past.
32-year-old Crystal Gunns made three hardcore movies.
Crystal Gunns tried to defend herself with this tactless quote “Is this about morality? Our president-elect has admitted to doing crack. Does that make him a bad person? Bill Clinton smoked pot. Does that make him a bad person?” She finally realized it was time to quit. Crystal probably wasn’t the best role model at school recess.
Award-winning actress Anne Hathaway has earned a reputation for dressing fashionably. She appears on the red carpet in Valentino or some other top-notch designer. She always makes a huge splash.
Anne recently told Women’s Wear Daily (quote) “Most women dress for their most fashionable friend.”
In other words, the 26-year-old actress has already figured out that most men don’t care much about clothing. The only thing that matters to a guy is what’s underneath. So Hathaway, and most women, feels a sense of responsibility when dressing up. Their goal is to impress the friend who has the best style sense.
Firefighters rescued a naked man. He claimed he went to the beach to play toss with his dog. The ball bounced into a crevice and he went head-first trying to retrieve it.
That’s his story.
The fire captain says (quote) “He went without any clothes the entire day. I do not know exactly how he got into that predicament. He slid down between the large rocks. He got to the point where his head and shoulders were wedged tight. He was unable to extricate himself. Several hours later, we finally got him safely back out and rushed to the hospital.”
Looking back on the past year, the average American mother spent over 400 hours driving. That’s the equivalent to 17 non-stop days of running errands and driving carpools.
Over the last 12 months, your typical mom spent half of one month trapped behind the wheel.
A mom says (quote) “The reality for today’s busy families is that so much of our ‘quality time’ is spent on the road. That may seem unfortunate. I say it’s not so bad if families make the most of it. Sometimes it’s the only time in the entire day we have together as a family.”
Your favorite romantic-comedy movie may be spoiling your love life. Those films are especially bad because they warp a person toward unrealistic expectations.
Watching too many romantic comedies leads people to have absolute blind faith in fate and destiny.
The most common misperception is “When you meet someone who’s meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you telling them”. Couples therapists say they’re seeing even more people who believe that sex should always be perfect. They think you don’t need lots of communication with your soul mate. They ought to automatically understand your desires.
This Christmas Day, Santa Claus could deliver slimy green seaweed to every “naughty” child in the world. At least, that’s what one environmental professor would like to see.
Doctor Gerald Smith wrote to the North Pole.
“Dear Santa Claus, Please Go Green. Give the misbehaving children seaweed. It’s environmentally-sound, wholly organic, and decomposes without harmful residue. It also has the advantage of being yucky and totally disgusting. What better stocking-stuffer could you ask for the especially bad kids?” By Smith’s own estimate, Santa Claus might deliver 5,000 tons of seaweed kelp. He’s guessing the world has 10 million “naughty” children.
Your lover’s household pet is probably a good judge of your relationship. They sniff out who’s right for us. Your partner may be hiding some feelings, but animals will instinctively display its owner’s attitude.
The author of The Dog Lover’s Guide to Dating: Using Cold Noses to Find Warm Hearts says (quote) “They have a different perspective. Dogs get beyond the surface things. Stuff we can’t help but look at because we’re human. They don’t judge our clothing, economic success, or whether somebody’s a smooth talker. Household animals are more attuned to the gentleness and the soul of the person.”
If you could “shop” for a husband, most women say they’d be browsing the “Doctor Aisle”. A survey of nearly 6000 people shows that the medical profession is one of the most admired. Women consider doctors as the most eligible bachelor.
Especially if he arrives in a package like “Doctor McSteamy”.
Oddly, the same survey found the lowest ranking bachelors on the planet are actors. Apparently, they’re admired (from a distance) for their good looks. However, their reputation for being high-maintenance drama queens is too much. Entertainers, along with Wall Street executives & lawyers, were voted the “Most Overpaid” professions.
A Washington DC insider has absolutely zero shame. Lobbyist Edwina Rogers bragged about how she uses sheets of freshly printed dollar bills for gift wrap paper.
Rogers appeared in the pilot program called “Power House”.
It is “Cribs” for the DC power-players. She lives in a 18,000 square-foot home. Or about 10-times larger than the ordinary house. Rogers goes directly to the United States Treasury printing press. She pays full-price for minted one dollar bills as they roll off the presses. Then those rolls of cold hard cash become her personalized wrapping paper. Very expensive -- and recyclable wrapping paper.
Home for the holidays. It can evoke warm memories. A few awkward ones, too.
Such as trying to have discrete sex.
It’s especially risky having sex in the tiny bedroom where you grew up. But that’s what we face when we return to our hometown and visit the folks. Nothing screams embarrassment more than getting caught because you’re too loud. However, there’s a certain percentage of couples who take great pleasure in the risk. Just because mom and dad are sleeping next door shouldn’t mean you have to turn down the passion. For some, it actually heightens the kink factor.
One greedy man tried to take the Grinch’s job. He’s been accused of swiping the neighborhood’s outdoor Christmas yard displays. His house was overflowing with strings of lights, fake trees, snowmen and inflatable Santas. Police identified at least 17 victims.
They uncovered a “herd of wicker reindeer in the living room”.
Cops said “We loaded three trucks to take all the stolen decorations to the police station. We’re trying to talk to the guy. Just to find out if he’s got other issues going on in his life -- but for now -- we’re treating it as Grand Theft Santa.”
The New York Times reported women are likely to buy expensive designer items -- with cash. That way, it’s easier to hide their spending from a husband.
In a survey of American women, 82% admitted to hiding department store shopping bags after they get home.
Husbands often cheat in the bedroom, while many married women cheat at the mall. They’ll spend money as a form of “retail therapy”. But later in the day, she’ll deceive her husband about how much she actually spent. Better to fully pay with cash than leave a credit card statement paper-trail for him to find.
The airports are crowded. Bad weather has delayed thousands of flights. And to make matters worse, some moms insist upon traveling with their over-sized baby stroller. They’re a great mommy tool on ordinary days, but once you try to get one through airport security, it becomes a complete hassle. For them – and everyone behind them in line.
Supersize baby strollers -- like the Bugaboo and the Silver Cross -- are the ultimate in new-parenthood extravagance.
What’s worse than the dominate size is the way some folks use them to bulldoze their way through public places. They’re the SUV of sidewalks.
Shoppers buy more items from attractive salespeople. Professor Jennifer Argo says “We found that if a shirt had been touched by someone who is highly attractive -- and of the opposite gender -- the shoppers evaluated the products as better. They’re willing to drop more money for it.”
That’s what makes Abercrombie & Fitch extremely profitable.
Essentially, we think like this: If a really hot-looking person values a clothing item, it must be worth any price. That’s why Hollywood celebrities are desirable as product spokespeople. Beyonce sells DirecTV. Hayden Panettiere wears her Candie’s. The technique is both obvious, and successful.
Psychologists studied crowd behavior at a U2 concert. There’s a trick to cutting-in-line without attracting the wrath of others. Don’t jump in front of die-hard fans.
We never like a cheater.
Some styles of cheating are more acceptable than others. At least that’s what psychologists found at the U2 concert. People got peeved whether a stranger cuts in front or behind. It’s all the same. In particular if you’re only a casual fan. Jumping ahead in line is not playing fair. So seek out friends. When you join another person in the line, we’re less apt to criticize the maneuver.
The “Little Black Book” of yester-year has evolved into the contact list on your phone. Two-thirds of people won’t delete an ex-lover’s phone number “just in case”. In other words, we’re pretty positive there’s a good chance for “sex-with-the-ex”.
Is there a “booty call” in your future?
If you’re holding onto an ex’s number, you’re more likely to commit the cardinal sin: Drunken Dialing. Guys are notorious for storing the phone numbers of their bedroom conquests. When the boys are together, he brags about the women he’s slept with. It can be absolutely mortifying, even when your name is Paris.
America’s most popular New Year’s resolution is to lose some weight. We need it. But when it comes to breaking habits, a majority wants to quit smoking.
About 70 million Americans smoke daily.
In a survey, 70% of them would love to have the will-power to quit their nasty habit. Experts agree that nicotine addiction is as difficult as heroin. Whenever we make a resolution, we’re looking for the final destination to occur in the shortest amount of time. Our failure happens because our bodies take time to adapt. We typically give up the resolution before our body is ready.
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