10/01 Direct Link
Hello little world in a box. This will be a crazy month. No time for writing so Iíll make each entry quick. My dog has crap stuck to his butt. I am addicted to cinnamon rice cakes. little separate pieces of styrofoam-like rice fly throughout my car while I eat and drive. I listen to cdís in my car. The same one over and over for a couple months and then move on to the next. similar to my food addiction. same as the man situation. Maybe when I tire of cinnamon rice cakes heíll be out of my system.
10/02 Direct Link
There is predjudice prejudice I donít know how to spell it. No friends want to go to my dance class. They think the neighborhood isnít safe. Someone did get killed there early morning but it was a hit. I never have a problem. Iíve been ok at night too. I wish there wasnít violence. So much beauty in the world. In my heart I still feel that I love the person who lost interest. Thereís another who would be better for me. I guess Iíve gone through those death steps. Denial, anger, griefÖ it took this long for grief. grief
10/03 Direct Link
Maybe he downplays but he said that infected people take a couple pills a day and stay healthy and that pretty soon thereís a cure anyway. I think heís trained to be optimistic. Iím sticking with birds anyway. It all gets too complicated for me. A cousin and friend of that last 5 day boyfriend thought that Iím retiring so I can travel with him. I told them he lost interest in me and had another girlfriend. They didnít know and I didnít know that his mother died and he went back to the Congo shortly after I saw him.
10/04 Direct Link
Itís like finally finding Louis Armstrong and he loves you. You are four years old. You always wanted to marry him. And then he hits you over the head with his trumpet and steals your candy. This is what love is like. This is why I am sticking with birds. I looked up Louis. it was a coronet. isnít that the hat that Daughters of Charity wore in the 1950ís? Iím trying to practice kindness but lost it with the vein doctor. Mine are worse after treatment and he lures you in with fraudulent advertising. I am out the money.
10/05 Direct Link
walked the golf course with my friend who is usually a recluse. don't understand golf. He lives with his mom. She is tiny and old not with all the glamour of her youth but more beautiful now. What a treat. different from the days when she had live-in help to put kids to bed and hold her arm when she went to church. The southern belle. My friend was missing teeth. has no health insurance. Life does a flip-flop many times. I slept at work. There's a crow outside on a lamp post. crows are new here in this area.
10/06 Direct Link
6:59 a.m. I have eaten a peach cobbler with avocado on top. I'll take the dog out, go to yoga, take the dog out, eat whatever they've fixed for lunch here at work, go to one or two dance classes depending on my energy, take the dog out, work, go hear my friends play music, sleep at work. In between I'll shower, use the laser on my legs for my veins, primp. No time yet to finish watching the Qi gong tape. I have to do tai chi, too. My legs are skinny. Sea gulls are cute with that cawing.
10/07 Direct Link
There's a parade going by. It must be Columbus Day because they had Queen Isabella and a bunch of princesses on a float. It must be a way that makes people feel connected...the marching and all of that. Most aren't even wearing hats. Hope they used sunscreen. A musician friend had to sleep here in a sleeping bag because there were no hotel rooms available. A few of us ate at 2:00 in the morning. Marines just went by playing familiar marching marine tunes. My friends were playing blues last night -- no connection to these parade people. Tired now.
10/08 Direct Link
Thereís not a good reason to be unhappy. Roll with the punches. We all know our days are numbered yet there is so much anger over mortality. Well sometimes the anger is justified. Trying to be kind and appreciative, respectful, but do catch myself being rude. Sugar. Sweetie. Sometimes itís hard to take nice people and we crave mean ones. Canít believe how some people need to try to control others so much. Need to try to control situations. Most of the time itís silly stuff. The ones who really have fun are senior citizens throwing caution to the wind.
10/09 Direct Link
Puttering. Not getting much done. Tired. Hungry. Need to get away soon. Need a spa. Why is there never enough time? Just want sleep. Peace and quiet. Exercise. There once was a man named Jack. Trying to rhyme here. He fell asleep on a tack. He woke with a start and got hit with a dart and then had two holes in his back. Only the dart hit him in the head so it makes no sense. I have to go to sleep. Count sheep. Itís raining for the first time in months. Now the cold weather will be coming.
10/10 Direct Link
The day is coming to an end and this place is still messy. Before bed I have to get my act together and have everything clean. What did I do all Day? Ok. Got up. Did computer stuff and some work related crap. Ate a scone with brandied cherries and had decaf coffee with lactose free milk or something similar. Kept eating all dayóturkey patty with cranberry sauce, garbanzo beans with rice, some doughy thing with jalapeno pepper, cinnamon rice cakes, cinnamon tea, a little avocado, four gluten free cookies, yogurt with brandied cherries. Probably more but I forget.
10/11 Direct Link
old now. All dried up. Think my third husband superglued my vagina shut while I was sleeping just to be ornery. I donít care. Thereís too much other stuff to enjoy and I fall in love with too many men anyway. I know Iíll probably get stuck with M. and his brother and have to take care of them. This is where native americans had the right idea. I could have stuck them in a teepee and had the tribe catering to them. They would have been the shamans in the group and no one would think they are crazy.
10/12 Direct Link
Thought I already wrote for the day but suppose not since it is not here. Je veut ecrire en francais mais je níai pas mes livres et je ne souvient pas si les mots sont veut veux me souvient ou souvient. Je oublierai tout. Oublierais? How quickly information just leaks out and drips away. Jíetais doing fine for a while. Then dropped it all. Trying hard to enjoy each moment but while working it is very challenging. Donít understand how anyone can enjoy being in an office. Paperwork. Impractical. Anything to take the mind away from printers out of ink.
10/13 Direct Link
This is ridiculous to try to fit everything in. Tired. Late. Canít think. No time. Full day. One hundred. Didnít stop to see the new Whole Foods. Retirement is when you can fit everything in so Iíd better last until then so I can do everything. One hundred. This is it. Almost one hundred. Still think about the person who was sure he loved me one day and then had no interest the next. wish I could know what was going on. It is as if I want it spelled out: face it you are an idiot. No more negativity.
10/14 Direct Link
Gained six pounds to see if any fat would go to fill up wrinkles. Didnít make enough of a difference. Should lose three. Too much time on the computer. Too much time in a car. Too much time doing paperwork. Happy doing yoga, tai chi, dance, moving, moving, but itís more than moving. Saw Koko the gorilla on tv and have a card with a gorilla looking at me right now. Inside it says: whoís butt do you want me to kick? I want to go see Koko. If I could cook Iíd like to volunteer to cook for her.
10/15 Direct Link
My older friends are an inspiration. One is eighty-seven and decided to take her ninety-two year old boyfriend back. They had an eight month break. She didnít like that he has another woman who drives him around. She whispered to me that she doesnít want the others to know sheís accepted his other relationship. This woman is in my yoga and aerobics class. She said tai chi is too boring but I told her it only seems that way in the beginning but it switches when you stay open to it. She tried it. Maybe sheíll do it next week.
10/16 Direct Link
Amusing. The fantasies. Obsessions. I was ready to run from that guy. My impulse. The fantasy woven around him was so strong. The attraction was created in the mind and had little to do with him. I know all this. Yet. It must be a girlie girl thing to think but what if he loved me. Good thing he didnít because I would have tried to figure out how to get free. We only want what we donít have. Letís see if the kind man is really kind. Heís probably created a fantasy about me. It is all about illusion.
10/17 Direct Link
Letís see. Yoga. Push-ups. Open in the hips yet have some weird pain in there. The dog was happy and running, leaping. Seemed to be triggered by a bird singing. usually can hardly move. the strangest dog. Doesnít usually respond to anything. as though he is autistic. Can walk him for an hour and then heíll poop in the house. A kid once said, ďMommy, he looks goofy!Ē Apt description. Itís because he is missing most of his teeth so his mouth is crooked. Poor Ellen crying over that dog fiasco. Probably harder to adopt a dog than a kid.
10/18 Direct Link
So healthy. Doctor found nothing wrong with me. Ate a lot. Have friends coming out of my ears lately. Looking forward to having lots of fun. Little fun every day. Lots of fun when thereís more time. Things to do: tai chi, push hands, yoga, French, sign language, drum, dance, write for fun, qi gong, Lari, draw, paint, collage, genealogy, vodou, long walks, swimming, laugh, go to see comics, rehabilitate wildlife, travel, eat, drink wine, sing, be silly, volunteer to do something helpful, organize living space, learn something out of the ordinary, be surprised, be stupid, be whatever, do whatever
10/19 Direct Link
His head was shaped like an egg with the pointed end on top. Beer belly. Mean as mean can be. How could I not get over it? And he was a con. The kind man thinks he might have cancer. I am devoid of emotion. Hollow. When there is more time I want to go to comic shows. Those stand-up things. Just laugh my head off. Cry laughing holding my sides while they ache. Throw mama from the train is on downstairs. And I want to hop a train to London or Paris or somewhere to buy some comfortable shoes.
10/20 Direct Link
would think that Iíd be cured of falling for scams by now but there is something wired in the brain to keep the loop going. I know intellectually that a man who says ďif you loved me you would buy me beerĒ is a man you should run from yet my heart is totally heartless toward me twisting words into stupid images of an adoring man so unbelievably happy because I bring him a beer. It helps to put ridiculous things into writing. I know he cut me off when he realized I wasnít going to finance his plane trips.
10/21 Direct Link
So. Iíll be spending time this week with the kind man who now thinks he might have cancer. Most likely heís fine. I refuse to sit around and cry with anyone, anyway. If I get through the next couple of weeks sane then I can handle anything because I am squeezing in all kinds of unrelated things, juggling, ending, beginning, sorting, shifting, tossing, working, exercising, and right now Iím sipping a glass of red wine. Cheap. A jug. $3.99. There is a time for nice, soft, mellow, rich, sultry, expensive wine, and thereís a time for plain gut red. Cheers!
10/22 Direct Link
I have no idea why everythingís black around me. Iím not doing it on purpose. I know Off-Color is supposed to be for young people but I just like Janetís stories. And Not a Genuine Black Man makes me want to know what a genuine black man is. I donít think Iím a genuine white woman. I think the proper color is nude. Or camel. Or camel with purple veins running through. And pink knuckles. Someone in Janetís book said Black donít crack. And Brian explains what it means in Not a Genuine. Nude cracks all over and looks icky.
10/23 Direct Link
Maybe it would have worked between us if he had been not a genuine black man. He must have been too genuine for an old white lady. I think maybe he was muslim or something expecting to have women in every city. Now this kind man is so white itís a little uncomfortable. White with no veins showing. I always liked Morgan Freeman. You hear so much about George Clooney all the time and heís cute but what about Morgan Freeman. I donít know. Itís a weird life. Full of weird judgments based on silly ideas. Got to go eat.
10/24 Direct Link
You laugh so hard reading that Not a Genuine Ė at firstóbut that just draws you in and then halfway every time you pick it up youíre crying. I want to finish it before going to the theater but have a house guest coming for two days and have to get my act together especially since Iíve had to work non-stop. Told him weíre going to a show to laugh and maybe cry but have a feeling the crying might be more than the laughing. I canít imagine being black in the Ď60ís. I think my grandmother hid her background.
10/25 Direct Link
Love at first site is an awful thing. Seems to never work. I hear that Hawaiian singing and think of the other bozo that I thought I was over. Itís not over until the fat lady sings. I have to find her. Love is something that has to develop slowly. It isnít just there in your face. And sometimes you donít even know itís there until itís too late and youíve screwed everything up. Ok. Time to go. No time for writing. No time to figure out what to wear so just throw something on and get out the door.
10/26 Direct Link
Well. Looks like things are changing. For the better. Good friend. Very interesting development. I suppose it is nice to have someone to count on. A normal person. We went to a one man show performance. I cried through the first half. How can he have that whole book memorized? Absolutely amazing. I guess the act came first and the book is like a transcript. This life is amazing. Unreal. We walk past the most beautiful people without realizing how extraordinary they are. Iím pretty convinced this is all a test. Iím loving taking this test. Life is good today.
10/27 Direct Link
friends. They seem the same even though over thirty years have passed. if youíre married a long time it works sometimes if your spouse knows you have a boyfriend. only works if you are a certain type of person. Not everyone gets away with everything. They are great, though, so it works. think that when there is honesty then weird stuff works. Iím adoring people lately so am happy to discover more and more about this goofy life. My dog had to go to a dog spa because Iíve had no time to care for him but heís back now.
10/28 Direct Link
Oh gosh. Iím getting confused. Too much going on. Iím mixing everything up. Canít keep the days straight. Is Saturday Sunday or is Sunday Monday? Ay ay ay. Pulled in many directions. Hoochey Koochey Howís my pootie? I have no idea what that means. It is dog talk. OK pootie pootie. Canít remember if my old dog was a pootie and donít know what it means. Repeated myself. The last dog was so easy. This one is slightly demented. Sweet but confused like me. But I donít crap all over and walk in it. I hope Iím scoring brownie buttons.
10/29 Direct Link
Donít know if Iíll write next month. Donít want to be googled and have stuff come up. Someone could google a few words and then you are exposed, ridiculed, and canít remember the word oh ostracized or just dumped by a boyfriend for being an embarrassment. I embarrass people. donít really care. We canít take life that seriously because it is pretty much a joke anyway. We are born and live some odd years then we die and pretty soon our old pictures that were dumped at the goodwill are bought for five cents and used in art school collages.
10/30 Direct Link
Oh wow. I get to travel with a band. How did this happen? Canít say too much because of google. It is like we are on the end of a rubber band. One direction, then the other. Poing. I think Iíll get over all my traumas. Maybe Iím crazy. Maybe Janet is looking out for me. Maybe there are angels. Maybe I am just taking control. Maybe Maybe anything. There is so much to fit in. So much to do. Oh god and tomorrow is Halloween already. I forgot about it. Months speed by tooo fast. Jesus Christ Super Star.
10/31 Direct Link
If I see the old crush I would tell him that it was as if I handed him my heart and he took it and threw it like a football. Thank goodness there was a kind man who put me on his shoulders and ran so I could catch my heart before it hit the ground. It is nice to write however I still donít have time so will take a break again. What else? I found out today that Iíve never worn the right bra size. That is pretty amazing. What else is amazing? Umm. I finished the month.