Have a sleeping chihuahua on my lap. Drank a glass and a half of red wine. Close to midnight. Want to quit the site but don't have the guts. My pelvis is unstable. Literally. You probably never heard of such a thing? Yes. You can be emotionally unstable and if it continues for too long then I think it goes to the pelvis. If you are middle-aged. I'm supposed to not go to yoga or dance classes for six weeks. It's like a sprained ankle. Oh hell. Now I have to take Tai Chi. This is getting ridiculous. Good night.

Have this dog-baby. I'm the sitter for 2 weeks. Taught her to sit, stay, fetch, come. I use come sparingly and only with a liver treat. Found a dog fair. Bought a cap. It says talk to my paw. Proceeds go to train dogs for the handicapped. So far she's liked Rocky the best. He was at Petco the other day. A cute, chunky chihuahua mix who was shy but warmed up. Oh Lord, I'm middle-aged. There's a Tai Chi class for 50 +. Will I end up in the park doing crouching tiger hidden dragon? Oh hell. What next?

Health setback since having chiropractic adjustments. Tired. Depressed. Will give it six more weeks. He claims I can be back to normal. Will sit with no pain. Think I just fell for a pitch. I know some people can't walk and some have disability that is obvious. Can't write. Dog restless. Making her lay down. Training important. Always realize how little I know after the fact. Even to walk a dog you have to know what you're doing or you put it in danger. Much sadness over my ignorance. Powerlessness. Or unclaimed power. Or misuse of power. Animals feel it.

Can't read about Lebanon. Someone I know is very personally affected. I remember him talking about how it was very much like Paris before the Gulf War. I was supposed to go to Egypt but that war broke out. I was going with belly dancers. We had to cancel. I was wandering in Berlin when the wall came down. These were reasons why I couldn't keep my loft. I needed a month a year for travel and there were horses to ride and a huge mortgage made no sense then. And there was college for my son. All before dotcom.

Upset today so don't feel like writing. Real life has so much sadness. I will escape. I had a crush on a musician when I was four. Can't remember. Was he the singer? I know he put me on the piano. We were at the Tonga Room. Fake rain was coming down. Loved Louis Armstrong. He taught love to a lot of people. A few years ago there was someone on the metro in Paris with a Louis puppet, trumpet, and hankie. He performed in the aisle. But Louis wasn't really about performing. That word looks weird. Was he happy?

Tonga Room man, Louis Armstrong, Steve Allen, Willie Mays, Paul McCartney, why can't I remember that comedian's name? , George Clooney, he was Gilda Radner's husband, Morgan Freeman, Darby O'Gill and the Little People's Sean Connery, Victor Hugo, D. H. Lawrence, only 41 words and I'm too tired to remember any more Thomas Hardy, and pink what was that stuff made of sugar cotton candy only 65 words have to get some sleep only 73 words just not in the mood to write although I had some thing soome something to say while driving my car only 95 words 5000

It's hard to tell the difference between an old hippie and an old homeless. He was nice nevertheless. The good thing about walking a dog is that you get to talk to interesting people in spurts. Then there were several police cars. It's the park where I used to walk my old dog. They were handcuffing a lady with wild blonde hair. Hair that looked like it just came off a pillow. After ten days. She was wearing a blazer like a businesswoman. Only a blazer. Didn't expect to see a vagina on top of two long skinny white legs.

many odd coincidences. Dreamed that I was distraught. had gone out with my tiger by my side. A wild tiger was just coming out of the woods running toward us. I pushed my tiger toward it so I could escape. the next scene I was taken out of Sean Hannity's audience because I was sobbing. explained to the undercover man that I had just caused my tiger's death. can't remember if I saw it killed. Why did I assume it couldn't fight? Looked up Life of Pi today. something to do with a Bengal tiger? I'd better read that book.

Craig Ferguson, Raymond Saunders. Found a blue bird, I guess a jay, on the sidewalk. Buried him by the front door. Found a hummingbird on the center divide around the corner. Buried him by the front door. Robert Rauschenberg. Nathan Olivera. Manuel Neri. Cut too much hair. Meant to only trim. Still fried. Hungry. Tired. Still thinking about the tiger dream. Never actually saw him killed. Why did I assume he would be? Pretty soon the flowers will have color. My sunflowers. Sat in the dentist chair with no pain. Have pain but not at the usual times. Dog tired.

Took the chihuahua to a dog park. Been hiding my hair under a red baseball-type cap that says talk to the paw. Been too hot. Very hard to write. Have no food to inspire me. Been using up freezer food. Too much ridiculous terrorist stuff. Hellish. Feel like a dog. Can't sit too long at the computer. Dog on lap. Little but heavy for my physical instability. Think of inspiring writer. A birthday. There is inspiration. Food treats are for dogs. Where is my Citrical fake piece of chocolate calcium treat? I also have cinnamon flavored coffee. Citracal. can't spell.

Have 2 yellow sunflowers. Just opened. One stalk is now about seven feet tall. They don't go with the landscaping. The lawn had a brown cross on it which has turned into a circle. Maybe from the gardeners' siestas. For some reason out of all the condos in the complex the lawn in front of mine makes the best bed. And the best dining area. Sometimes I find chicken bones. Sometimes there are four or five gardeners out there. Never cared for lawns. What are they supposed to be? Lawns are meant for picnics anyway. Or to make dogs happy.

Maybe we do things so unconsciously. I chopped my hair on top. By mistake gave it a spikey-look. Yes I did do that after hearing that my ex was in my work neighborhood showing a girlfriend around. Didn't ask what she looked like. Just found out she had short spikey hair. And an expressionless face. The dog went home today. After I took her to a hospital. She regurgitated a week-old cherry pit? Hope she doesn't have more in her belly. She was cute and sneaky like a teeny con artist. Wish I could regurgitate pits. Then be all well.

Saw ladies dressed in Victorian garb. She said if you were eighteen you had to have an eighteen inch waist. Each year you could add an inch. Something's wrong with my belly. I'm only ninety-five pounds but my belly might be filled with jujubes. I can feel them. It's too hot to write. No time. Tired. Peeked into the life of a family that is long gone but their house is open to strangers. Wealth. What good is it if everything outside the home is chaotic? And those ladies had deformed ribs. Their wealth looked suffocating. Croquette. Cute shoes, though.

Need to keep clearing stuff. Dropped one box at the Salvation Army store. A box a day would be great. Have such trouble parting with things I never use. It's like being a piece of cling wrap. Stuck to too many odd things. Like: old suede jacket and skirt, too tight shoes, striped top with stain, chipped cups, sweaters I never wear, posters, uncomfortable pillows, clutter, clutter. Always worries. Worries may dissipate as boxes are dumped at the Goodwill. Goodwill or Salvation Army? It does seem best to live as if we are going to die tomorrow. Without any clutter.

The newspapers don't report when someone jumps off a bridge in this area. I know because I tried to find out more about someone who did just jump off a bridge. Experts say that reporting it only encourages it. I wish that people would just stop dying. At least for a few years so there could be a break from it. Maybe everyone who is about to jump off a bridge could board a bus headed for a surprise place. I'm not morose. I'm not looking to report negativity. This is really what's happening. Trauma. No comfort words. He's gone.

Takes half the day to get on the road for the country. Men just go. Maybe I'm generalizing but women want the place straightened, face cleansers and extra clothes packed, food in the carrier, bills paid, mail picked up, etc. A man gets an idea to go to the country and he just goes. Feeling like there really is not much in common between the two sexes and that men do view a woman's private part as Germaine Greer says. I think it was Germaine Greer&.the quote is something like&.human spittoon. I never could tell a story or remember quotes.

Been weeks and the deck is partly stained. Wood nails all over in a heap. Neighbor said he comes every-so-often. Can't stand that I have to involve others but there is a lot to do out here. Can't hike because of the bear. Bought this place with horses in mind. Fantasies. Feeling cluttered. Pull things out of the closet, then put them back in. The white akita is stained brown. It's hot and the stain is still wet? Don't think he's been here for days. A lone deer was watching me yell to the akita to get off the porch.

Thought I'd start painting again. That was months ago. Maybe a couple years ago. Had cleared the garage. It was going to be my studio. It's the middle of the night. More correctly the very early morning. The akita won't stop barking. Could be that the bear is out there. Keep peeking out. Shoot. I'm scared and have my gun now. Heard a noise near my window. The akita is around the other side. This is much too scary. Have my cell phone. Hell this is ridiculous. Waiting for a bear to crash through the window. Now need the bathroom.

Drove through several extra cities trying to get to work. Made it worse. No way to avert traffic. two close calls. trying to change lanes. Have gigantic sunflowers. Suburbs don't seem so bad. Anymore. Have another box for the Goodwill. Clearing will make life more manageable. There isn't space like there used to be and most likely never will be. Everytime I readjust my position something pops. Now it was my left hip. There was a memorial yesterday for the bridgejumper. Don't know him personally but through a friend. It's as if he is my distant relative who I mourn.

Lately there is always a wild animal in my dreams. Last night was a white elephant. Powdered white over grey. Yes he charged at me while I was skating with snowshoes on puddles. Right now there's a pain in my heart but my heart feels likes it's shifted to the right side near my shoulder. It hurts when I put my shoulder up to the ear. I was just looking at war photos. Soldier photos. My relatives. I looked up to heaven and told my grandfather that I get too sad and that's why I don't talk to him anymore.

Who are all these people? I found myself thinking just like my grandmother. Families get too big. That's a good reason to become reclusive. And mute. And when you work surrounded by swarms of people talking you just don't want to listen or talk anymore. Maybe that's a reason why some people jump off bridges. It's not a good enough reason, though, because you can always pack up and move to Australia and have the excuse that I don't know what. Aboriginal calling. Have to get up in the morning for tai chi. You could move to China. Express train.

Well I am too tired to write. had my underpants on inside out. And the sunflower is all wilty-looking because I tied it up. It was going sideways. took an online test that showed I didn't have depression so it is fine to say I can understand why some people jump off bridges. They probably think what's the point. And we do not even walk properly. You are supposed to step out on your heel and then put your toes down, balance and then slide your other foot out. instead of pulling the knees up while standing you slightly bend.

Think I did the neck exercises wrong or it's the tai chi. Feel pulled. Crippled. Walked up the street. Up the hill. In the suburbs. Nine wild turkeys. Pictured them as breasts on nine tables. Be careful of the cars. One young one seemed worried. wood slats. It was a gated community. Two deers were running down a street with a man standing next to his garbage can in his driveway. What if a pack of wild dogs came? Saw an old dilapidated house at the end of Main Street. I could live there. But it was 3 million dollars.

The pumber pplumbe plumber plum I'd love a plum plumber came this morning. The toilet has been running for a year. I fix it sometimes but it unfixes itself. Never time to plan for a plumber. did come causing me to lose sleep because I had to get up early to let him in and wouldn't you know that the toilet decided to work perfectly. We must have flushed it thirty times. For weeks it has been running after every flush. Feeling sick of life. The doorbell was fixed for not ringing but it decided to stick for the plumber.

Don't want to have more than I can ever use. Fresh delicious chicken. Enough for four people but there are only two people and they don't eat the same thing every day so the chicken goes in the garbage. Can't you put it in the freezer or eat it today? Oh no she said. We dump it. Can't there be an invention to suck food through telephone lines? Some kind of transport machine? So many chickens are slaughtered for no good reason. Not just slaughtered but forced to live cooped up with their beaks cut off. Cooped up beak off

radio said it is ridiculous to wallow in depression instead of forging ahead and creating a better life. Not those words but the idea. think the problem is that sadness puts people in headlocks. my sunflower is wilting. Like to think we create our own world by having faulty or non-faulty wishful or non-wishful thinking. My thought process would be faulty non-wishful thinking. Cracked and Doubtful. Brought home eggs, blackberries, raspberrries. Who is that inspirational speaker? Forget his name. His butterfly story is like my fly story. take a hypnosis class to cure my tailbone. Or is faulty non-wishful wishful?

end of dream a girl had two small bears on the back of her bicycle. One was screeching because it was half off. She pulled it closer and I watched as she brought them in her house to show the dogs and her family. What was wrong with that older generation forcing us to eat like pigs because children were dying in Africa. had to eat everything on our plates. fifty years later and excess is still not enough. radio said there are positive changes in Africa no one pays attention because they don't believe they can make a difference.

had some slave-owning ancestors. Found record of a will. said certain people went to certain kids along with ponies and jam jars that kind of thing. think I remember a woman in that line of the family who was like a scarlet woman with a court record. Babies out of wedlock. My great grandfather who came out part indian was supposed to be a sheriff or something but is mostly remembered as being mean ornery violent. I imagine that project gang members can trace back to the same whitey ancestors. What were they called? Woodpeckers? Knocking on the cabin doors.

Found out that the human jukebox died recently. Under a freeway. He was homeless. Didn't react from the heart until someone jarred my memory and drew a picture of him in his box with his trumpet. Oh my god the human jukebox! I remember him. He was handsome. A hippy with long dark hair and beard. You put money in the hole and selected your tune and the trumpet came out. I loved that guy! The cops harrassed him because I think there might have been a drug problem like maybe besides the trumpet he might have been dealing? Sad.

Don't know how or why I did it but have been looking at old emails and pictures from the ex. So traumatic. It would have been so smart to have never been involved. It is not better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. It is better to not love. Clip it in the bud. I loved that person. Don't know if he was for real or a con or wanted me dead or if he ever cared. I've aged ten years in two. Forgive me Janie I'm a cracked plate. I wonder if Zora died broken-hearted.

I think people who never have trauma think you can bounce back. It'a like expecting an egg to bounce off a sidewalk. It's not rubber. Maybe you're ok if the egg is hardboiled and dipped in chrome or something. Oh hell. I did cut my wilted sunflower. The huge one. And when I got to work a distant relative had sent a gorgeous arrangement of flowers. Incredible sunflowers and mums and other amazing flowers. People are very beautiful at heart. We just have our ideosyncrasies. I worry that I may offend people with my rambling. I do love you all.