09/01 Direct Link
Sometimes spirit reaches out and grabs you throughVictor Hugo's Les Miserables giving you push to learn French so you can experience the book in its true language. You may study for years and never learn it even though you have Les Mis in its original format but its ok because spirit reaches out again and again maybe through Janet McDonald's Project Girl or even if you are sitting in a garden talking to an invisible person laughing and your father is telling you no one is there because you took LSD in the 60's making you schizophrenic spirit is there
09/02 Direct Link
There is always a bridge closed. Always an alternate route. why it is that people like to talk so much. Is it really necessary to touch other people so much? The Indian man came out of his locked box at the gas station to explain directions. I was lost. It was dark. There was no one around and I don't even know what city it was. He was a precious man. Used his arms to describe the shape of huge overhead lights. Think of all the touches. Horrible, violent, dishonest, innocent, tender, life affirming. Sometimes hard to tell the difference.
09/03 Direct Link
Really. What I want is to sit and write. Then work on a painting. A part of me wants to have a horse outside instead of a car. I dreamed I was dressing to ride Petite. Someone was pushing open the bathroom door and finally got in. A heavy large woman and baby. She climbed into the bath. My bathwater. And urinated. The woman. I reach in to put her baby's neck on a floating pillow because the woman let it slip under water. I went to ride Petite. I broke into sobs remembering she had been dead for years.
09/04 Direct Link
Getting buried again. Feel like this when there are too many appointments or social interaction even when it is all positive. Must have a shutdown gene. Causes malfunction. Either have five mosquito bites on my hand or poison oak. If bites then maybe have west nile virus. If it's the start of west nile then maybe I need to go out and celebrate my health tomorrow before I get sick. What would I eat? Too much work. Appointment Wednesday and want to try to make it to that showing of the French film. Maybe eat chocolate and drink Dolce. Tomorrow.
09/05 Direct Link
Maybe my wild animal attack dreams will stop now. Tired. When things are too sad I think about the physics explanation of our existence. There is no real past present future. Everything happens all at once. You haven't been born you're already dead while you are experiencing this life. Smells like there's a dead mouse in this room but that's very unlikely. This is the suburbs and I've never seen a mouse here. Have poison oak rash on my hand from the country. Here in the suburbs ladies wear false eyelashes to tai chi class. Need to get some sleep.
09/06 Direct Link
Reading about Jesse James. He was a horrible human being as far as I can tell from what I've read. Same with Frank. massacred my marriage let the big dog kill little dog. Violence and fear tumbling around in the dirt. stand up all puffed up. battered ego. False sense of pride when should be horrified. not making sense. History. Like a snake slipping deep into the ground. Finish this later. Now my hair is very ridiculous. Went to have it straightened again. fix. But had chopped too much. chiropractic treatments and quitting the yoga and dance made no change.
09/07 Direct Link
never know what is truth or fiction. Everything has a slant. No two people see the same thing the same way. One person's hero is another person's villain. Complicated. Probably a big reason why people give up. Throw in the towel. Got email. Childhood friend. The niece jumped the length of two football fields. Straight down. When she woke up in the hospital she apologized for not dying. soon there won't be time left in the day. prayer time will take it all up. have to start listing people because it's too hard to keep it all in my head.
09/08 Direct Link
Don't know why people like to sit around and talk. It's fine a few times a year. Notice that in the country they talk more. Whether it is about spraying for weeds or what a neighbor does for a living. They use words that they have no clue are jarring. She said, and that Chinaman he was a sweet man. She said they like visitors. Seems like no matter how far you move you just can't get away from people. I've told them that I have this place to be away from people but they still want to be helpful.
09/09 Direct Link
Did you know that a medicine for restless legs can make you want to gamble? We must just be dysfunctioning computers. Dreamed of sobbing over a bird that I set down on the ground while there were cats around. I do think that if we treat ourselves as precious as a tiny bird needing protection our lives could turn around. We sabotage ourselves. We have death wishes or sometimes we take risks to feel powerful. That is gambling. We gamble without seeing the truth. I want to say how corny this all is but then I'd be attacking myself. pffft
09/10 Direct Link
Have had an amazing life. My fake hair fell off as soon as I was greeted with a hug. Who cares? Picked it up off the floor and stuck it back on. There's no one I would want to trade places with. The moslem woman in Nigeria, my sister who is going through a work training program, thanks God every day. have a picture of her holding a gasoline can. She is physically magnificent, emotionally spent. Here she would be a model. Quantum physics. Looking for answers. Life is too weird. When I was young the house had nine bathrooms.
09/11 Direct Link
I offend people without meaning to and so do others. Some day brains will be programmed to homogenize is that a word everyone. No one will be politically uncorrect because we will have forgotten how. Uncorrect incorrect. Correct? looks weird. I know that I have the top part of my brain missing. Now that I've had my fried hair corrected to being slick on top and more fried on the sides you can see that the whole top lobe is missing. And it feels like I have scalp love handles like a bone rim. takes the mind off sad things.
09/12 Direct Link
Wonder if animals kill each other over how one moves a paw? They must have a sign that means F you and if they scratched patterns on the ground some would be horrible and offensive. males would want to cover the females eyes and exterminate the vermin who corrupt with gross sounds, patterns, paw movements. They must have an invisible God who they fight Die Kill for. If we watched what would it look like? Would we know it's for God? If an animal put a picture of something pretty next to scratches that meant horrible things what would happen?
09/13 Direct Link
I'll stop again at the end of the month. Weary. Need to re-group. Nothing to say because of having to censor. Not reading enough. Not getting out enough just to walk. Not traveling enough. Not living enough. Excess food. Excess sitting at the computer. Imbalance. Jesus Christ Super Star. Work has piled. Too many social activities. Autism would have many positive applications. White room. White gown. Mashed carrots. Sit at the window. We are mostly water and emptiness. Drip. You can always study physics. Conceptual if you have no time to take math. And float if gravity loses its grip.
09/14 Direct Link
Extremely sleepy. Can't function properly without yoga. And dance. Tai chi is hard. Have trouble remembering patterns. Had the dog. Chihuahua. Dogsit. Work. Hair horrible. Two old vacuum sweepers in the trunk. Goodwill. Or garbage? Only write to have something tangible some record some something of being here. Orange apple pear orchard field sun moon star nothing something anything whatever else and more garbage pail pale moon repeat repeat moss hoss tv movies oh I dreamed the man who used to walk by the old apartment opened the window by pulling it out at the bottom robber another burglar dream
09/15 Direct Link
I don't know history, I don't understand my background. thought the push from the midwest to the west was because of Indian blood but now it seems to be more about the Civil War. But I have to go eat breakfast even though it's lunchtime. And can't stay in these red pajamas. Can't sleep at night until 3:00 a.m. and get woken up by work calls early. Went back to bed and dreamed that my sister had malfunctioning speech. Like a cell phone cutting in and out. Native Americans didn't want to be pulled back in spirit after they passed.
09/16 Direct Link
We all have strange maladies which show up in mid-life in my family. Now I've been dropping cups, jars, china. a good way to be forced to part with things too precious. like a judgement from heaven or somewhere. OK selfish thing you won't take it to the Goodwill then DROP IT! I don't think God would do this. Age a person, take away this, take away that. Fry your hair twice. The great-grandfather that I thought was a sheriff was actually an inmate. Saw a census record. Have to get back on track. No one can help but myself.
09/17 Direct Link
It has to all be a test. We must be an experiment. Only 12 words. 88 words to go. I'll leave this sitting here on the computer and come back to it when I think of something to say. Back. Out of words. Blank. Ok. Last night almost hit a deer. Suburbs. Told that bear is back in the country. Work. We're all tired there. Books. Radio. People are all killing each other or themselves. Or a bug virus cancer comes along to work on doing them in. A caramel apple would be good right now. We can be positive.
09/18 Direct Link
Almost cried trying to find the way. How many people from childhood find themselves neighbors again? Hadn't been over that way in years. City people with country places. Everyone looking for a little solace. Beautiful country places. So that's how you fix up an old place? I'd pull up my old rugs but would't find someone to fix the floor underneath. Have to finish staining the deck that the tatooed man abandoned. I paid him enough and would have paid more but glad he disappeared. Left uncapped paint thinner and wood all over. Saw dead wild boar on a freeway.
09/19 Direct Link
The problem is I get home late at night and while checking emails I have Tyra on downstairs and then Ellen comes on and I have to keep running up and down depending on whether the program is on or the commercial. Hold on. Ellen is back. Now I'm back. Now there's nothing to write about. And this is a cheat entry so I have to lie and say it was written before midnight because it's supposed to be but how can we write about a day if there's no time until it has ended? I might lie about lying.
09/20 Direct Link
We must be all fighting because we don't listen deeply enough. That goes for being cowardly, too. We don't look deeply enough into cowardice. We must be stupid for not understanding and unraveling. And when is it cowardice and not pacifism. An intelligent calm unmoving loving stance. I was punched in the jaw once and took off running into a Mexican restaurant. I left a friend out there punching it out. The wild ladies had knives in their boots. We drove to the police station in my mother's cadillac. a history of not standing up and defending. turn and run.
09/21 Direct Link
Stopped to get deck stain. Stopped to get gun cleaner. Been 2 years since The gun wouldn't fire. Told the man I think my husband wanted me dead and about the wild animal that didn't get me. Want to go to gun classes. The neighbor keeps telling me the bear leaves scat or whatever it's called. The man looked at my hand and said so you're not still married. I said no. felt weak in that gun shop and that man was very handsome. Too bad I look like a weak old middle-aged lady. That's about it for the day.
09/22 Direct Link
Still clearing old stuff. Hoping it will clear the emotional attachment to the ex. Makes no sense but it's there. Have to always remind myself of all the flashing light conman signs. And never found the dud bullets. And can a person pseudo-choke his wife in his sleep? His hands were fully around my throat. And can a man forget that the plans were that he'd pull his weight financially once he finished all his expensive training? I must still be deprogramming from years of brainwashing. I do all the work in the country now that he used to do.
09/23 Direct Link
It is after midnight and I'll be finishing the work the tattooed man left undone — tomorrowso I might as well write now. Tomorrow is not tomorrow it is today. But later. After sleep. Thought I'd write about why I loved the ex. Why not? He was the kindest, calmest man. Kind maybe just because he stayed so quiet so much of the time. I felt I could be myself totally. I could be obnoxious and nervous and lose control and he'd be calm. I couldn't believe I had this husband who I could rely on to take over everything.
09/24 Direct Link
Seems like something must be wrong if there are too many white people in one place. Makes me nervous. I must be a racist. I do judge people. Gets so that you don't know who to trust. Sometimes the sweetest looking people have the strangest ways of thinking. And those sweet old country ladies all know how to use a shotgun. You just back away slowly, smile, after you drop off lobsters and wine. Not that you are trying to bribe, you do seriously want to be a good neighbor. You never know what isolation might do to people. Seriously.
09/25 Direct Link
I remember being shocked when a lady in the office of my son's school pulled out my own school records and read my I.Q. score. It was 127, 128, or 129 I can't really remember. All I knew was that my brother bragged our whole life about being a near genius with his 133 and I was put down as being stupid. I was pushed into stupid as a survival tactic but all it did was help bury me. Saw childhood friends. we lamented over our lackings. they said I was the smartest one when we were young. Goes fast.
09/26 Direct Link
It's a good thing the ex didn't die the day before I said that's it we're getting divorced because then I'd be grieving the rest of my life going out and sitting at the cemetary next to his grave and saying he was the sweetest kindest man the love of my life and I'd have a shrine at home but what I need to be doing now is finding a place to stay at the end of the week because I've decided to drive up there early before the family get-together and maybe get some spa treatments and nice dinner
09/27 Direct Link
I realised that if I keep the lights off downstairs I can open the blinds while eating breakfast and passersby cannot see in. There's a lone house up there on the hill. I have the better view. Someone in that house looks down on a pretty ugly condo complex. We have a good deal down here. The house up there is probably a few million dollars. We are the poor people down here. The hypnosis class is getting on my nerves. I feel like a cat that is about to strike out. The lip is curling first. 98 99 100
09/28 Direct Link
crocodile in dream was tame. My child was with it in the stairwell when I heard a huge thump. I chastised my child after helping the crocodile back up the steps. My dog was running outside where there were two huge threatening dogs. I grabbed mine after yelling to a husband stop him from running!! upset this morning that I irritate people by being honest when asked a question. Usually people want to hear a pre-fabrication like a memorized answer from catechism class. hypnotist teachers go around the room asking how was it? I said the soft voice irritates me.
09/29 Direct Link
It is all about knowing what to say and what to cut out. I was sitting in a restaurant reading the Life of Pi, eating raviolis, looking out the window, drinking wine, turning the book over to see the picture of the author, thinking that he was a handsome man, looking at the peach-colored candle holder, eating halibut, loving the Life of Pi, scribbling thoughts on a 2006 datebook skinny page thinking maybe it could be part of 100 words but who knows where it is now and can't remember what it was that seemed important at the time. 100
09/30 Direct Link
Feel like this should sum up the month but can't remember what I've written and I never cheated by looking back to see what's here. It only takes a few minutes to churn something out and whittle it back to 100 words if it goes over which it oh hell blah blah blah stop. Can't keep it up. My diary of Anne Frank. Had a diary but couldn't write in it for fear of my mother finding it. An internet scary diary. Can't write anything recognizable recogniseable recognizeable recognis recognizeable recogniz no time tai chi yoga dance country paint write