It is as if I have woken up to find I am half of an interracial couple. I sit on grass with six men drinking beer. Their language sounds like blob blah glong blah. They are strong and beautiful. I am frail and aware of my aging. My boyfriend has skin like smooth butter. He has a photographic memory so I wonder when he will tire of my weaknesses and stop finding humor in them. I am back to this site after many changes. The friend who found me through this writing has now passed away leaving me in disbelief.

Wow. I got played. The red flags were waving everywhere. I still close my eyes and open my heart. The email did not bring one tear. I will not respond. All I can do is put all the pictures away. I cannot regret. You love and when the person does not love you all you can do is change direction. My dreams and my gut kept trying to show me the truth but my heart would not budge. What a silly stupid heart. I don’t understand all the energy that goes into deception. It must be a strange power. Lifeless.

He forwarded his love note to another woman for me to see the morning my deceased grandparents scared employees by walking through the building. I had lit candles to them the night before after receiving an email from him that seemed to be written by a stranger. I asked my grandparents for help in understanding a man who had pursued me with a passion. I did send him a quick note to express appreciation for letting me know the truth. C’est la vie. I am happy to have a slow brain and soft heart and don’t mind being laughed at.

Friends came to my aid. Dinner, a nice bottle of wine, then I closed the bar where I danced and flirted. I wore heels. Today was the dance class where I would see his cousins and friends. I wondered if they knew that he dumped me only days after telling everyone I was his girlfriend. It is comical, scary, crazy, a little sad. I have other men who seem to be interested. Must be because my burnt hair is finally manageable. I will have fun. Say what I want. Do what I want. Enjoy each moment regardless. happiness or not.

Oh god. Another email. They are always polite. Apparently he didn’t know he forwarded his email correspondence with another woman? I told him and that she can have him. Someone else would like to take me to dinner. He is very attractive and seems like a very nice man. All these changes cause sadness and happiness to mix all together. There’s no time for all of this. Tired tonight. Have to learn to bale out when the red flags start flapping. There is always humor to get you through any crazy situation. Next time I get pulled down I’m running.

Not feeling like writing anymore. This old dog is a lot of work. I find myself wondering how long he is going to live. I know that’s terrible. It’s just the crapping that gets ridiculous. I’ve mellowed about the player five day boyfriend. His personality is endearing. So much like my brother who was a sociopathic drug addict. Oh darn charcoal just fell out of my hair. It’s a spirit thing. Protects. I finally can get the shoulder thing going. One forward the other back. Forward back forward back. Have to get the drum fixed. So much to do always.

It’s definitely over with that guy. And starting with another. But no stress. Have to just be mellow about everything to keep the computer, car, and dog working properly. Everything malfunctions when there are negative thoughts. It’s true. There is not much else to say and I’m tired. This place is a mess because there has been no time to get everything done and here I am on this stupid computer writing about nothing. Can’t stand it and can’t stop now because I’ve already started. Hell write fast furiously without thinking or stopping or whatelse what else sh what e

Commuting and work only leaves time for thinking back about the changes since last month. He must have been another con. How do I draw them to me? And why do I block out all the odd signs. I wanted to run the first time I saw him on this trip. Then I attach. All the little things that seemed to be missing from the cupboards. Could I really be inventing all this stuff? I lost ten pounds. They just fell off. The funny thing is there is something endearing about him. Well his personality is like my deceased brother’s.

On my vacation I went swimming in the river with a naked black man. I was trying to not look but I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye that looked like a black mambo snake kind of slithering in the current. His name was Omar but I kept wanting to say Oh My. He was a nice man. He just didn’t have a bathing suit. He had a beautiful voice. I made a lot of friends there. I need to swim more. Maybe I’ll get my new potential boyfriend to hike down to the river where

On my vacation I went swimming in the river with a naked black man. I was trying to not look but I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye that looked like a black mambo snake kind of slithering in the current. His name was Omar but I kept wanting to say Oh My. He was a nice man. He just didn’t have a bathing suit. He had a beautiful voice. I made a lot of friends there. I need to swim more. Maybe I’ll get my new potential boyfriend to hike down to the river where

Long day. Slept at work. Yoga. Dance. Work. Lots of driving. Cleaning up dog poop. I was able to do the splits today. I didn’t know I could do that. I chopped off a lot of the dog’s hair. He looks goofy. His lip curls funny because of missing teeth. He’s almost blind. Probably deaf. I think I need to wear heels more. I’m quitting the site again after this month. No time. It’s too hard to sit at the computer to write. No comfortable chair. The screen is ruining my eyes. Too many long pauses between thoughts. No thoughts.

Not wanting to write anymore but feel I can’t stop in the middle of the month. Really nothing more to say. Long commutes. Sitting looking at the cursor being here being gone being here being gone. Too much to do. Days slide by. Have nothing to tell. Nothing I want to tell. Zip. Now I’m hating this. Why did I start? Ok words bones start over again encore Z it just jello mold over hold it keep steep neat up where dare lost hoi horizon oye vey oy gotten himmel aye will miss the music nightmare rattlesnake the end in

Hope the earlier entry can get fixed. Copy pasted the wrong day a few days back. Double entry. I keep all of them on the same page because if the site loses a few months then I have each month all in one spot. Takes forever to try to combine them after the fact. It took me over two hours to get to work. Very ridiculous. I never imagined life becoming so ridiculous. I can only laugh and enjoy each moment for what it is. Ridiculous, sad, disappointing, exhilarating, unbelievable, wonderful, incredible, nightmarish, scary, peculiar, heart-warming, lovely, uplifting, have to

Been wondering what makes a person prey on another person. I can see if there are drugs involved because then the thinking is impaired. What is missing is something given to me by my mother when I was eighteen years old. Could be coincidence. Could have just disappeared. Metal plates have been throwing themselves around at work. Oh well. There is still always good to find in a person. I suppose. That murderer on TV looked very sweet. Maybe some brains are just missing tissue. Some people do have skulls that look like there’s not a lot of room inside.

I know I create fantasy around people. Numbness has set in. I think the man I adored so much even stole my little cameo ring. Or it could be that I’m totally insane. Someone took me to a lovely dinner. A nice man. I went home and cried. I received an email from the sister of the person I grieve. It is as if she could sense that I was on the memorial page. Two strong women. I have to gain weight. If only he didn’t love me because I bored him. I didn’t want it to be a con.

want to clear stuff. Stop holding on. Life is too quick for too much sorrow. Today I will start on this place in the country and then the condo will be next. Minimize. My brother would steal when he was alive and there was no malice involved. He just had a drug habit. I never care about jewelry or fancy cars or flying first class. I just work to live decently. Very talented people often are poor. I thought he was happy. I think he sent those awful emails intentionally and then changed his mind to try to con more.

Found the cameo ring. Have to stop the paranoia. Stop repeating, repeating, repeating old scenarios. Enjoy life, enjoy life, enjoy life. Appreciate people and their differences. Ok he says he loves you then changes his mind. No big deal. It happens every day. If he took a china dish so what. Maybe you are crazy anyway. There is a lot funny in the story. I need to go swimming. Stand on my head. Do the splits. Handstands. Backbends. Kiss a horse. Ride a horse. The dog was happy tonight running in circles. I will learn to play a conga drum.

Think I need therapy. He obviously didn’t love me and now I’m still obsessing. It is hard to go from full faucet to a drip. I never learned to date. That’s the problem. Now this new one. There’s no time for all of this anyway. Life is short. I think I need a facelift. My mother is still saying I need a rich man. It shouldn’t bother me after all these years but I still react the same. As if stuck with a hot poker. She doesn’t remember our fights when I was a teenager. I’d be a prostitute, Mother?

Pulled out old cds. Beautiful music. Be still be still be still my child. Do not cry. Mama is upset. Mama shall calm yet. Singing in the car and not yawning or losing notes. Sweet sorrow. So much to be thankful for. So much fun so little time. Have to squeeze in every bit of all that comes to mind to do. Not put off. Seeing more friends this week. Before any more pass away. Had that awful dream about M. I was working split shifts when she died a few years back. No time to see her. I thought.

Went to dinner with a friend. Delicious. And a half bottle of wine. Traded men horror stories. We see our patterns laugh about our messes. Still sad, though. shouldn’t be. Should be deliriously happy. Will be. Too tired. Will see more friends who have been married for almost their whole lives. How does that work? They love and stay in love? So tired of going through men. Get used to one and then he’s already gone. Getting ridiculous. Been ridiculous. I must be ridiculous. Shall I pretend I have the same boyfriend as last month? They wouldn’t know the difference.

No congolese dance class. No west african. Had to fight sadness. Someone from the camp came to hug me. Said he’d love to spend time with me. They all say that. Told him I have to stay away from men for a while because I have a broken heart. Went home and swam. Swim swam swum? Squatting now at 8:53 p.m. in my wet bathing suit. I am very healthy. Tai chi class earlier was very inspiring. For no reason. I just like it. If I didn’t have a broken heart I’d be wonderful. There are beautiful people out there.

Dinner with friends. Old friends. Very surprised about how truly lovely they are. Haven’t seen some for so many years. Beautiful skin. I expected to see much older looking people. They weren’t. They are all married. With several children. I thought I was the conservative one and look how things turned out. We laughed about getting chased into a Mexican restaurant. I got punched in the jaw. She had a knife in her boot. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. just got killed. One of our friends was out there slugging it out. After throwing the corn dog. Happy sad memories.

I’ll be meeting him in the country next week. We’re on our own because other friends can’t join us. Hiking, barbecuing. I’d go swimming in the lake if I could jump in with my clothes on. I don’t think I’m ready for all this but I just go ahead. Still mourning over the old fantasy that was a lie. It’s normal. Just takes time. Looking down at a magazine that says get naturally happy the surprising mood booster. Oh god. I looked. It was about getting a dog. Mine’s a crapper and has aged me I can’t get enough sleep.

I did go see a plastic surgeon to see what could be done. Expensive. My son says I’m too self-absorbed. It’s too hard to date with a face that’s falling. There has to be better easy solutions invented. They keep coming up with stuff that doesn’t work. The surgeon thinks the titan skin treatment made my jawline worse. And that wasn’t cheap. The leg vein treatment made them worse, too. All these promises are empty. Hard to know who to trust. I think they all say you’ll just look rested when they pull you too tight. Creams don’t work either.

Yoga. Two dance classes. Work. Thought I’d drive to the country after work but too tired so will sleep and go in the morning. I did practice tai chi between the dance classes. I think it restores energy. Sometimes people laugh at me. It hurts but then I remember how I laughed at a little girl dancing only because the laughter came out as a having fun thing. I hope her feelings weren’t hurt. Laughter is a puzzling reaction sometimes. If someone laughs right to my face I laugh too. If I catch someone laughing I pretend I don’t know.

I had strange dreams. My deceased friend from early childhood had green skin. My mother didn’t want me to sit with her. Wish I had written the dreams down when I woke up. I only remember parts. There was a person with two heads. One male and one female. In the dream this was normal. The old dog is in the garage. He seems fine in there. I’ve rearranged things in here. Trying to unclutter my life. I see a basket on top of a cupboard. That has to come down. Need a bath. Sleep. Water. A grip on life.

The dog loved staying in the garage. Never thought of that. Walked through poison oak. Sweated. Showered with poison oak soap. Barbecued. Drank wine. Watched TV. All with the company. Washed clothes. Went in our separate rooms to sleep. A nice person. A normal person. He would get rid of the wasps in their honeycomb house above the door. I like them there. They look cute sticking out of those little holes. The akita never came while he was here. The bats didn’t show up either. No deer. Only one mosquito and many gnats. No lizards. No snakes. No mice.

Stopped to get chicken pies and scones and muffins. I still have an Africa obsession. Found an article in a magazine about what happens to women in the Congo. I asked about violence there. That was a few weeks ago. I was told no you must be thinking of Zaire. The article says otherwise. I sat eating a muffin and drinking cinnamon tea while my eyes took in words to process. How embarrassing to ever feel sad about all the little trivial day to day things. Tired tonight only from living a full life and being pampered. Bless our souls.

Finding inspiration in a book by Josh Waitzkin called The Art of Learning. Only have time to read in spurts. I will develop a logical sense. The one I always neglected. Life as a chess game. Never too old to develop a strategy and to learn. Found out about him through tai chi. Push hands. Ate a chicken pot pie. Need to swim it off. Go to work. My son can speak Italian after only studying a few months. I guess the game isn’t over until we die. So failure maybe isn’t failure yet. Live without being thrown off. Balance.

Must be the moon. In a funk. Ilogical logic. Isn’t it all about creating a fantasy and then living it. Only works if others play along and not mess it all up. And Janet had to go and die. She said please still be there I just found you. Now I can’t even go and see her. Funny how the heart attaches to people as they come and go. I read somewhere that we are not all separate but we only experience it that way. We are all one energy. I am the elephant’s tail. A hair on the tail?

keep putting myself in positions where I’m dragging my bleeding soul around. getting tiring. Time to shift. There’s a rattle in the air conditioning. You can hear an occasional car. phone call from a restricted number woke me up. Missed call. Maybe I should eat a scone. Yogurt. Cinnamon tea. Need to go to a post office. Hardware store to get a key made. Need new clothes. Music. Something bit me on top of the head. Another day. Another dollar. Answer the phone and say, “It’s your dime.” Only it’s not a dime anymore. How much is a phone call?