07/01 Direct Link
The first month officially full time is over.  And what a difference from the last first month officially full time.  I was given a desk and actual direction and things to do with deadlines, asked for my opinion.  There were meetings that required my participation, and sometimes even my lead.  There was always something to do (whether I wanted to do it or not).  I was pulled off assigned tasks to work on special projects. There was no document describing the Last Known State of certain projects, but I wasn’t left alone and expected to figure out what to do.
07/02 Direct Link
Victory is immanent - so I must interpret the advice and prognostications given - but it requires a commitment on my part. Victory, but in what arena? Work? Personal? Does this mean the Gatehouse will finally sell and we can get on with deciding where we'll live? Success at something that I've been working towards for a long time. Hmmm, yes, it all sounds wonderful, but what does it really mean? What kind of commitment will be required? Will I recognize it when it happens? Or will it be like so much of life, something that becomes clear in hindsight?
07/03 Direct Link
Enjoying a quietly indulgent lunch at our favorite waterside restaurant, looking out over the blue sky and sunshine, we heard the crack of thunder come up behind, indicating the approaching storm. The rain began tentatively, then pounded down with some fierceness as we readjusted ourselves at the edge of the tent, having decided to wait it out. Looking out across the water we saw that on the Bay, it was still blue sky and sunshine. Two margaritas later, and three waves of rain, the storm finally stopped. Boaters returning from the bay came in absolutely dry. A perfect summer day.
07/04 Direct Link
I know I will need a nap later, but I got up early today, leaving Geoffrey alseep, just to be able to enjoy the peace and quite of a holiday Saturday morning. I didn't want to miss it by sleeping too late. We are finally getting blue sky and sunshine, and it seems it has been forever since I was able to enjoy a quiet morning with my writing. No running to the pool, no TV or conversation, just the cool breeze, the soft scent of flowers from the garden, and a good cuppa joe. This is a civilized morning.
07/05 Direct Link
It wasn’t exactly croquet on the lawn at Brideshead, but we had a great time playing despite all the hazards of my uneven back yard on a truly magnificent summer afternoon. On a smaller field with long grass, it was quite challenging even with only two players, and I did manage to win one game, even without resorting to Hamilton rules, which are being saved for a future game. Dinner was outside, without disturbance from neighbors or mosquitos, followed by sharing a bottle of wine and biscotti as fireflies came out to play. Can’t it be like this every day?
07/06 Direct Link
It is the fourth straight day off, a proper mini-vacation even if we didn’t go anywhere. To take four days and not fill it with a list of chores or other things that need to be done, but to just leave the time open, free to sit and read or knit or take a nap or enjoy a summer rainstorm, whatever - it seems like heaven. I don’t remember the last time I really did this – to just BE for a while, not DO. That is not to say I did nothing, but I was not concerned with being productive.
07/07 Direct Link
Two different people sent me the job description. On paper, I’m perfect for it and it has the title and probably the salary I have dreamed of for so long. And yet, I’m not at all certain I want to apply for it. Which is not to say that everything is perfect as is, it is not. I don’t know what I want professionally at this time, I just want the personal side sorted out. This is a complete 180 from this time, last year, when all I wanted was a new job. But it is good to have options.
07/08 Direct Link
So what do I want out of a job? What are the minimums? What would be the best option (after last fall's experience, I won't use the term Dream Job anymore) that I could reasonably expect for the next job? What are my real goals, desires, and wishes for my career path in the next five years? Do I have any idea at all right now what the answer is to any of those questions? As I continue to mull them over for a second day, I realize that I don't have any answers that are readily comprehensible to others.
07/09 Direct Link
I want to do work that is valued and respected. I want my opinion to be valued and respected. I understand that won't happen immediately upon my walking in the door, but that requires a certain general value and respect for InfoSec exist already at the company. I want to work with a team of smart and dedicated people. I do want a position of leadership, being able to make the decisions, not just carry them out. I don't want to work in a large company with tens of thousands in staff. I don't want a long or complicated commute.
07/10 Direct Link
So why am I even questioning all of this right now, sending in a resume? Because now that I've had time to heal a bit from the Local Expansion team and demise of the Dream Job, I'd like to see if I could get the Big Kahuna job. Maybe not this particular one – I will be astonished if I make it to the final round, but they did call me within an hour of my sending in the resume – but somewhere. The current job is OK, but not great; at times, it is definitely not what I want.
07/11 Direct Link
I am not at all certain what to do. The universe has come knocking at my door, but I am not interested in what is being presented – my heart doesn’t do that funny leap. That’s the bellweather for me: does my heart leap at the idea. I can see the advantages to the positions that have been sent to me, very real world advantages: a significant salary and the undisputed experience to take to the next job. . . which would be what, exactly? Where do you possibly go after having been the Big Kahuna at a place like that? Consulting?
07/12 Direct Link
I posted photos of my SkyeBlue cashmere cardigan today to my knitting communities, and the positive response was almost immediate. I was so surprised that even in the photos the incredible softness of the yarn was apparent, as others commented on the urge to pet the sweater. I am delighted with the sweater and it appears to be done just as the weather is starting to dry out and become more summery so now I must wait a few months to wear it. Now I want to knit more sweaters out of the cashmere, and am tempted to buy more.
07/13 Direct Link
Some days I feel all written out by the end of the day, as if there’s nothing left to say here. Constant revisions of briefings, presentations, bios and other paraphernalia at work leave me somewhat at a loss for coherent thoughts, let alone one hundred words. At times like this, I realize I am not a writer as Madeleine L’Engle speaks of it in her Crosswicks Journals, filled with ideas that need to be worked out on paper. The compulsion to write is coming from without, not within, and requires a certain “spin” and that takes a very different toll.
07/14 Direct Link
Recent events are really making me question the what and why of my professional life and career path. The organization I volunteer for takes more and more time with less and less return on the investment, really making me question whether or not to remain on the board. I know that want a life, a real personal life, which I believe, rightly or wrongly, is at odds with the Big Kahuna type job. And yet I want to use the knowledge and skills I’ve accumulated over the last ten years in an indisputably leadership position. It all seems in opposition.
07/15 Direct Link
I am beginning to believe that we have been sold a bill of goods over the last century, causing us to believe that working for another, in some cause or in role is the way to be fulfilled, that we need to have a career. How did we go from serfs working in the fields to office drones? What happened to the “gentlemen and gentlewomen” who managed to get by in life without working for another? They were not the rich or ruling class. Bah, the more I think about the whole career question the more betrayed I feel.
07/16 Direct Link
I miss the Knit Nites. I know it has only been a month missed so far, but I had grown accustomed to it being part of the rhythm of my life. The Wednesday morning knitting group was a real treat for a few months. It made the knitting not such a solitary pursuit. Then today I hear about another “local” yarn store up for sale due to retirement.  It is too far away to reasonably run it, and not in a location I think we’d want to move to.  The first reading of the notice  did make my heart leap.
07/17 Direct Link
Recent events are really making me question the what and why of my professional life and career path.  The organization I volunteer for takes more and more time with less and less return on the investment, really making me question whether or not to remain on the board.  I know that want a life, a real personal life, which I believe, rightly or wrongly, is at odds with the Big Kahuna type job.  And yet I want to use the knowledge and skills I’ve accumulated over the last ten years in an indisputably leadership position.  It all seems in opposition.
07/18 Direct Link
My reaction to the notice about the yarn store for sale out on the East End cannot be ignored, so I’ve started looking for more information about owning a yarn store, and the first place to look is Ravelry.  There’s a boatload of information for me to digest and understand, and at least one forum to join.  I have been thinking about this step – my own shop - for a long time, and I will probably go on thinking about it for a while still, but I’m determined to be well prepared and informed the next time an opportunity arises.
07/19 Direct Link
The Tavern is no longer showing on the MLS.  I literally could not breathe for a minute when I saw that this morning.  I don’t know whether to hope the contract ran out – it has been on the market again for about six months - or if they just took it off the market, acknowledging how bad it is.  I am twisted up at the thought of someone else buying it.  Honestly, I’m just twisted up about the whole housing thing right now.  We’re talking again about leaving the Island, but no decisions will be made until the Gatehouse sells.
07/20 Direct Link
Sometimes I'm really slow, but I finally figured it out – Knit Nite was my “night out with the girls” option. With Miss Helene gone to Nashville, and Miss Stephanie now moving to Florida, I'm essentially out of options for going out for an evening of dinner, red wine and girl talk. It takes advanced planning to talk with Helene these days, not what either of us envisioned. So Knit Nite was my substitute: no dinner, and the talk was often about knitting, but there was often music and chatter about life, work, men, the basics of girl talk.
07/21 Direct Link
I sat at LaGuardia for six hours today. While mildly annoyed at the whole scenario of massive flight delays due to weather, I had a knitting project to occupy me – mom's replacement scarf. This is easy lace knitting – not mindless, but a simple repeating pattern, in a pretty, happy color. The unwashed cashmere isn't quite as soft as the SkyeBlue of my sweater, but it should be a light and very soft bit of warmth for mom. I knit and knit, and in this one day got about one third of the total length needed for the scarf.
07/22 Direct Link
Sales pitches come in all sizes and shapes, as do sales people. I am not a sales person, however, I'm not cut out for it, as was clearly demonstrated at the poster session tonight. I held my temper, barely, with an annoying, ignorant little putz who was unbelievably obtuse tonight – I was ready to tell him off in so many words, but I didn't. No one will know what a huge victory that was, except me. I can evangelize something I passionately believe in, but sales – the customer is always right and all that – not a chance.
07/23 Direct Link
I don't mind the occasional bit of business travel. I do, however, mind eighteen hour days when they are not actually necessary, and they are really not necessary in this line of work. I accept that there will be the random uncontrollable delays in flight schedules, which can be painful at the end of a trip, but Boss Lady proves her humanity at the end of this trip with the suggestion I work from home and reapportion hours. I'm not sure I am cut out for a life of such long days for sales purposes or a life of sales.
07/24 Direct Link
I am all but the walking dead today. The last three days have taken an unexpected toll on me, one I don't quite understand. Yes, they were long days. I had a headache that didn't ever truly leave, and sometimes almost completely overwhelmed me. I didn't manage 8 hours of sleep last night, but it was in my own bed. I managed to meet Barbara for lunch, and went visit to a new yarn store, but was terribly disappointed in its reality. The day ended well however, with watching several hours of Babylon 5 and the unexpected arrival of Geoffrey.
07/25 Direct Link
I almost feel human again today. The headache appears to be gone, for which I am very thankful. I probably need to do something about the headaches, but for the moment I will procrastinate on that topic. I manage to put in some real time in the garden, fearing tomorrow will be lost due to rain. Digging in the dirt is hot and sweaty work, and yet it is also somehow cleansing. I can work out a lot of pent-up frustration with this kind of work while my mind wanders aimlessly, drifting, sometimes coming to stop on a significant thought.
07/26 Direct Link
It is so frustrating when something you want is suddenly so near and yet so far away at the same time. It is more difficult to handle then when there's seemingly no hope of it ever coming to pass – because of that four letter word, hope. Once you start to hope, your expectations suddenly rise again and you start living in the future, rather than in the now. That is dangerous, not being in contact with the now. I don't want to wish my life away waiting for the future to arrive, yet I can't wait for the change.
07/27 Direct Link
I’m dreaming again. I’m absolutely wide awake, but I’m dreaming. I don’t know if there’s any way to actually pull it off, but an idea that has been lingering (malingering?) in the back of my head for some time has finally pushed its way forward. I fully recognize that to contemplate this with everything going on in my life is rather ridiculous. I don’t need another challenge, another distraction. I shouldn’t even try. I should abort my reconnaissance and go back to my regularly scheduled life. I should, I should, I should. . . what about I want?
07/28 Direct Link
I feel the need to organize, prioritize, to take back command. Unfortunately, I have no energy by the time I get home, probably due in part to the 11 hour days that allow for an early close on summer Friday and the lingering GI problem. I compromise: I organize my Ravelry queue, the long list of patterns I think (or thought at some time) I want to knit, removing some altogether, and moving all but a few to my favorites list. I now have 16 patterns queued and 283 favorites. Perhaps now I can focus on cleaning out the favorites!
07/29 Direct Link
The disappointment doesn’t strike so hard today, as we were both prepared for the news that the potential buyer was no longer really a potential. That is not to say that we were not disappointed, rather that any initial hope we may have had was tempered by her insufficient response to Geoffrey’s counteroffer, and that any good news would have been a surprise.  That actually describes the entire situation right now: any good news would be a surprise to us.   The newness of it all has worn off, and we both seem somewhat dully accepting of the current status quo.
07/30 Direct Link
This afternoon I was bored at the beach (I haven't spent an afternoon at the beach since 1984!), sitting in the shade of the pavilion, trying to stay cool, doing the political thing by attending the company clambake. When I got home there it was, an innocuous email, that made me realize just how small, devastatingly small my circle of women is, women who have influenced me that I can reach out and touch. Emails that bounced back afterwards revealed the circle is even smaller. I have known this was a problem for some time but haven't solved it yet.
07/31 Direct Link
I finally made the commitment. After struggling the last week with the final indications of my laptop's impending demise, I made the choice that I've been dithering over for the better part of a year and bought a Mac Air. I began to lust for one the moment they were released, as it has the footprint of my current laptop and is much sleeker. And isn't Windows. The Air cost less than my current laptop did eight years ago, but it was much harder to spend the money this time. Next weekend is reserved for getting the Air set up.