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I'm so nervous about tomorrow, my second day of training at my new job. I have to memorize a phone script. I hardly feel comfortable talking on the phone impromptu. Now I have to speak a certain way, say certain things. I wonder what I got myself into. I guess I should have more self-confidence, but it's kinda hard because I've always felt like a bumbling idiot. Not sure why. Maybe because people have made me feel useless my whole life by insisting they "help" me with things. Even if I'm eighteen and on my way to college this month.
Had a good day at work, better than I thought. I work at a women's fitness center, and was a little daunted by the stuff in my training manual, but today was good. Got to exercise even, and I need it! I was feeling better till I got home. My mom was in a mood, and it affected me very negatively. I can't stand her like this, so irrational and defeatist. No wonder where I get it! I wish I could deal with problems or setbacks like my dad. He mostly approaches them from such a positive light, it's amazing.
Lonely. Mostly for a guy's attention. Have a guy in mind, but that's not possible. The age difference is not good, and we've never met, just talked on the phone. I like him a lot, tho, but it's confusing because we've been talking less and less and have so little to say to each other. I wish I could think of more things to talk with him about. Not to mention it's a little depressing that the only guy I'm interested in (and vice versa… I think) I haven't even met in person. That's got to be a new low.
I have been listening to love songs for the past couple of days. Most of them are rather dystopic ones, true, but they're still love songs. Which is a deviation for me. Though, to be honest, I tend to go for very emotional songs, most of which are love songs. Still, I don't actively seek a song out because it's about love, and that's what I have been doing. I guess I'm trying to fulfill some specific need for an emotion that's gone unfulfilled for so long. This from a person who avoids being labeled a romantic like the plague.
My sister has been very bitchy. Something to with her boyfriend, I think. They'll probably break up soon. I wish they'd do it sooner rather than later so we don't have to deal with little miss drama queen. I know that sounds terrible, but prolonging the inevitable is just going to torture her anyway and drive the rest of us insane. She's not only crying after 80% of her phone calls with him, but she's being completely horrible to the rest of us. It's just an utter mess, and I hope it will go away soon, though I doubt it.
I hate answering phones. Okay, so I only had to answer it three times today, but it's awkward. One lady I talked to today was all snippy because I was new and didn't know the
address. People can be so mean sometimes. I don't know why it's so bad that I was new; she must've had a bad day. I probably shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard because I'm on the receiving end of a phone conversation, the liaison between customer and company. So I feel responsible for their moods. Utterly ridiculous, but that's what happens with empathy.
Went for a drive today. It was nothing special, I just got a lot of parking lot practice and such. I hate driving in this town. Everyone's a bunch of idiots. I can't believe how inconsiderate and self-centered people can be on the road. It's not like it will kill you to be courteous. In fact, it will probably kill you if you
courteous on the road. Cause you make stupid mistakes and are a general ass. (No offense to donkeys, of course.) I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of how hostile people are. It's very alienating.
I feel like writing a poem, but I'm utterly uninspired at the moment. I haven't been writing a lot of poems lately. Maybe it's because I realized my most of poems are really bad. I think my main problem is that I tell instead of show. I've been trying to make them more descriptive and less, well, trite, but it's harder than I thought it would be. Especially when I don't have any clear emotions to work off of. I hate apathy.
In other news, my sinuses are swollen, so my jaw really hurts. Don't ask me how that works.
I feel incompetent. Seriously. Today I was all over the place at work. I had to fill out 3 or so credit card form thingies, answer the phone a couple times, call people, and all the while be a friendly, perky person. Well, I think I succeeded in all but the last, if only in slow or mediocre fashion. As to the last, I trapped myself behind the desk, but I was supposed to be in the middle to talking to people. Only... I was a wimp, scared of actually having to
Sigh. I'm such a moron.
A day off. And what have I been doing with my day off? Worrying about paying for college, of course! I don't know why I'm freaking worrying; I'm only about $60 short, and I'll probably even get money back from the school, because they haven't quite deducted all my scholarship money from the total yet (in fact, only about half). I guess I'm just afraid I'll miss the deadline or something. Hell, I'm
worrying about something or other; once this worry is out of the way, I'll probably be worrying about something else. Because I am just that way.
Today was boring, but okay. I worked the morning shift, which was alright, except I stayed up reading too late and was way tired when I woke up at 5 after 5½ hours of sleep. I also had to walk home at the end of my shift, but it wasn't too bad, as it was only 10 and wasn't that far. It was a healthy walk though, to be sure. I've been spending the rest of the day reading and answering a couple emails. So it's been a rather enjoyable day,. I think I like working mornings a lot better.
I don't think I like working mornings. I feel better during the rest of the day because I'm not stressing too much about work, like I do when I work in the afternoon; but I didn't get enough sleep, and the girl I had to work with today was kind of annoying. Nice, though. In good news, I might've made $10 in commission today, I paid for my classes, and found out where the new location is, which if I get my license soon I can drive to no problem-- and take surface streets from there to the school. Woohoo!
So, today was rather boring. Got pissed off at my sister because she was treating me like I was completely incapable of getting to work on time. Again. As it was, I got there 20 minutes early, so I don't know what she was worried about. Work was slow; there were only about 7 or 8 people that came in the whole time. So it was quiet. I have a feeling I won't be as lucky tomorrow, because I'll bet anything Saturday is our busiest day. Damnit. I don't really like this job, which is probably not a good thing.
I hate it when people sneak into the gym (for lack of a better word) just before we start the last workout. Mostly because I like leaving early, but... It's even worse when we forget to lock the door and someone weasels their way in
the last workout. Someone did that today, and we left like 5 minutes after closing. Other than that, I spent the day reading. I trapped myself in my room, pretty much isolating myself from everyone, but oh well, because when I get into the mood, I can read for hours and be perfectly happy.
My sister can be so selfish. And contradictory. And soooo damn obsessed with her boyfriend, that it's utterly pathetic. Seriously. She's become so needy, it is truly very sad. And he's becoming rather selfish, from what I can tell. And they spend entirely too much time with each other or talking on the phone with each other, or just
about each other. It's seriously driving me up the damn wall how single-minded she is! She has other things to worry about, like how nasty she's becoming with our mom. And Dad even. And, unsurprisingly, me. I hate her moodiness.
It rained today. And when I say rained, I mean
. It was so freaking awesome. It even hailed, for like 10 seconds. We even got a flood warning from the National Weather Service, though by that time it was nearly over and people all over the valley had gotten themselves into accidents, like the crappy drivers they are. Oy, I am
glad I didn't drive through that snafu. Dad said that a person gawking at one accident and the lightning caused another accident, because the person behind him didn't stop. Now tell me, is that brilliance or what?
Tired. I obviously didn't get enough sleep last night. After I got home about 12:30 this afternoon, I took a nap and woke up about 2, still feeling rather tired. Then my dad got home about an 1 ½ hours later, and we went and ran some errands. Then the four of us went out to dinner. It was okay. Other than that, my day has been rather boring. I have to work in the morning again tomorrow, but get off at 10, which is good. Maybe I'll be walking home in less muggy weather, I hope. Well, we'll see.
You know, it's rather challenging to write exactly 100 words everyday; because I'm so verbose, I end up having to delete words and such. But I'm getting better at judging it, methinks. At any rate, today was boring, except I had lemon chicken for dinner. I also chatted online for a few with a friend, but I had to leave to go get dinner and he was gone when I came back. Which sucks; I haven't really talked to him in awhile, because of work. *Sigh* Oh well. Maybe he'll come back on, or I'll have time tomorrow or something.
Today was a big jumble of things. Worked, walked home, slept a little, etc. Then I read an awesome site I found; the writing's fantastic! After that, Mom came home, and we headed off to my school to get the books I bought, my film class book and Math books. Yes, books (pl); one's the regular textbook, the other the answer book. Not all the answers of course, just some. It's still rather large. But hell, it should be an easy class. I may need to buy a good calculator... I hope not. Those things are expensive. *Sigh* Oh well.
Why am I so afraid of people? And why do I feel that people think the worst of me? Like today, I got the impression my boss doesn't think too highly of me, even though she's always been nice. I guess it's because she told me that, with customers she doesn't like, she always grins and bears it, is nice to them anyway. So, I guess I kind of doubt her sincerity with me, but… I really have no reason to! Other than the fact that I feel completely incompetent. Arg, is anyone else annoyed by my constant inferiority complex?
Went to a mandatory employee meeting today. It was okay, I guess, except that I felt awkward around people I didn't know. That, and the unique challenges of my job were brought into sharp focus, and it unnerved me. I guess I'm more nervous about this job than I thought. I mean, it was bad enough having to place lead boxes and go ask people if I could, maybe, please place them in their businesses. Once again, my fear of people is overwhelmingly and embarrassingly obvious.
Also, my Saturday was pretty much shot because of the meeting. *Sigh* Oh well.
I'm so happy right now, and it's all because of a guy I've been talking to online (and on the phone) for the past… 2 years, apparently. He's sweet, caring, funny-- all the things I always say about people I like. But it's true. Besides that, I feel close to him, even though I've never met him. Maybe because I've shared so much of myself with him.
At the same time, though, I feel this dead weight inside, because I don't know him in person, and all this is so new. I hope I can make sense of it all.
I submitted a poem I wrote to a writing site yesterday. This afternoon, when I checked my email, I was pleasantly surprised to find three positive reviews. I felt better about my writing. Which doesn't happen often, honestly.
I worked today. It wasn't bad, though long, and awkward at times. The employee meeting was also tonight, but it was short and everyone was in a good mood. It was a good day overall. I didn't clean my room like I'd planned because I was
, but the house looks too nice for me to leave my room a mess. Tomorrow!
Today was insanely busy. Worked all by myself, so I had to do everything at once. Signed someone up, though, très cool. In other news, didn't clean my room because I'm stoopid. I suppose I should at least start tonight. I'm a procrastinator. Also... lonely. Wanna talk to a certain someone. Yes, I realize I'm obsessive. I wish I could tell him what I feel, not only because I don't think he fully knows, but I don't think
quite know either. It's so confusing. How did I get so far over my head? Wish I could sort this out.
Read a stupid forum. Apparently, a lot of people know nothing about evolution. It exists, people! Take time to learn about it before you claim to "know" it doesn't. Grrr! In other bits o' insanity, today was the last day of work this week. I don't know what hours I'll be working Thursday and Friday, I just hope my boss realizes I don't have transportation till 3:30. She was supposed to call me today and let me know, but nope. *Sigh* I guess I'll call her tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to sleep past 5 because I can! Woo!
Helped out at work with the move from the old store to the new store. It was alright, I guess. I worked for five hours, mostly with the organizing and stuff. It still isn't done, though. Tomorrow I'm going to hang those door flyers at houses around the new store.
should be interesting. Or not. The new store is so cool, though. It's a lot bigger and the walls are painted a pretty color, and… yay, it's just spiffy. If only it weren't so far from my house. Oh well. I guess I'll have to get used to it.
Had a lazy day, until 4 when I had to go to work. I went with a coworker to pass out those door hangers. Agh, we did a lot of walking; by the time we finished at around 7:30, my feet were hurting! My foot cramped up and all of that lovely jazz. But hey, walking is good exercise, so it's all good. It was really hot, but it cooled down eventually. Still haven't had the opportunity to clean my room, but… well, I've had the opportunity, I've just been lazy. I'll do it tomorrow, cause I really need to.
Today was cool! Woke up pretty early, got dressed and all of that. Then we went to the mall, and I voted! For the first time! Yay! Sounds geeky, but it made me feel good, like I was doing something important. And I could tell everyone that was volunteering there was impressed that I, a young person, was voting. I was happy. :) After that, all of us went to the indoor swap meet. Love that place. There's all sorts of interesting stuff. I drooled over the same Chinese dress, and bought a purse from the same store. It's awesome.
Today was mostly boring, but that's okay. I got some driving practice in, and then I cleaned my room. Woo. Fascinating, non?
I start school tomorrow, as well as my first day at the new location at work. So, tomorrow is going to be hella hectic, I can tell. I am definitely not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to going to school. Especially since first thing Monday is Anthropology, which I have been looking forward to for forever! Ee, I know it's going to be cool. I can't wait I can't wait! I start school tomorrow! Woo.
. Really crazy. There was a whole lotta people that came into today; I signed up 3 people back to back. Really tired by the time I clocked out at 1:30, and didn't get home until 3:30ish because of buses. Crazy. I relaxed a couple hours, but then went to school at 5:30. The professor ended the class early, tho. I guess he figured that because it was the first class that he didn't need to take up the whole period. Eh. I don't know how interesting this class will be; most of the people seem disinterested. Blah.
Today was one of those days that made me question why I even applied for this job. Seriously, pulling teeth out would be more fun than this. It's just... torture. I'm not good with people, I'm not an overly enthusiastic, cheerful person, so why did I choose to work at a fitness center? It's not that I'm all depressed, or hate people. It's just that I don't communicate too well, and that I am very rarely at ease with other people. Not to mention I'm uncomfortable with the sales process. It's so full of misdirection and half truths. Hate it.
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