Next week I shall have a haircut — maybe a new color highlights who knows — I don't even know I am going through with it. What I think and what I do don't always meet typical me I say & I would probably chicken out at the last moment — I love my long hair now and I know others who do *laughs* why do I even bother that they do. But seriously I feel what do you call more confident with my long hair its weird. Only setback is every other day seems to be a bad hair day — darn humidity!

Sometimes when you feel like doing moving to another place — and then you attend something local like a cultural festival with your family and friends - it makes you think twice. Would it be worth it and are you actually doing it for you or someone else. I have learnt the hardest of ways that people are for the most part a big disappointment (reference: recent bad experience). You wonder who you can count on and what if anything goes wrong and they bail on you- what are you going do to then in a foreign place? Very scary thought.

You have really lived live when you have lived alone; been independent without the help of others —this was the prerogative of an elderly lady from Malaysia — just how much truth is in that? Much I am sure. It really makes you sit and think about it especially when you whole life has been sheltered. I think that hit a spot because for some of us we know that if we fall or fumble there is always someone to bail us out instead of dealing with the situation on our own. Maybe its time to move out and move on!

Dates are just numbers — sure they are good for birthdays and anniversaries but are they really good for fresh starts or to embark on a new journey? If you set a date would you actually do it on that date or procrastinate? I ask myself that a lot of times. Its one thing setting a date its another actually starting it — I guess that calls for willpower and determination and realize that time is passing and if you want to do something now is the time not tomorrow not next week. Seize the moment — start something new and finish it!

Today I ate chocolate fudge Sunday naked — only because I was trying to do something a little outrageous. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with syrupy fudge toppings almonds whipped cream and a cherry on top. I must admit it was a pretty erotica experience. I sat crossed legged my bowl of ice cream in front of me and I dug in — careful not to let any of the ice cream drip onto my bare skin. Its pretty silly to be sitting this way facing the fan — yeah one those silly moments but hey it's a hot day — action valid!

Double meanings. Triple meanings. Same meanings. Different meanings. Different languages have different interpretations of some words — what may seem normal to us can be offensive to others. Meanings - some get it some don't.. Talk about misunderstood or reading into something too much or over analyzing. What is said by one person does not really come out as intended to the person who is hearing it. Who do we blame? The brain. Yes our brains and how it processors our thoughts — when we mean for things to come out right they come out quiet the opposite hence causing much problems.

I read that feeling pain paves the way to art. In other words I get inspired at the expense of your pain. I wonder how I should be taking that — with an open mind I am sure. I think if there was no pain experienced by others we will not be open to things — or see sappy movies or hospital shows nor feel or experience the pain in childbirth, of being shot, of being hurt by a love one. Pain - a small word that carries a big meaning. Pain seen and felt by you which only others hear about.

I am in pain. Not emotionally but physically. My back hurts so badly so does my butt — maybe I have been sitting on my butt for too long. Why is it every time we nap our body aches when we wake up? I think there is only so much painkillers anyone can take. I wish I wish there was a cure for all these pain — argh! We are getting old I think — time to bring in extra enforcements like extra vitamins and calcium and more exercise. Funny how my job makes me active yet I still ache — I wonder&

I think a sense of patriotism always makes its way to me on National Day. It would be extra special seeing it's the final parade at the stadium — I have my share of memories there and its only natural I feel a little sad. Deep down I have deep set patriotism for Singapore my home. Maybe I am just sensitive that way. I actually remembered the pledge — we had to say in school everyday but once you've ventured into the working world you forget it or so you thought. So as the pledge was recited I shed a little tear.

Harsh realities of war. You see it. You hear it but to truly understand you have to be a part of it. When I hear stories I try to feel. I think the ones who really feel it all are the soldiers in the frontline. Yet some don't say much about it yet others are more detailed in their experiences. What we can do is paint a mental image of their experience — but to really fathom is an impossible task in itself. But none the less we hear we feel we try to block it out but we can't really.

Writing can be such a struggle sometimes. Its killing me not writing — you feel empty. It's like a responsibility yet — yet its something that you are passionate about but when you can't get into the groove of doing it just frustrates you to no end. I don't like the days when I can't get inspired or have the motivation to write. Journal is obviously a must though I tend to miss that sometimes — and then there is just plain getting creative. Sometimes we experience writers block but I wish it didn't come around when you need to write the most.

I wonder if we have bad genes we are destined to be like our parents considering the fact that they were bad you know like serial killers and all that. I only ask because I was watching the Ted Bundy story on television — he and his wife had a baby so I was wondering how the child would turn out. It's probably twisted of me to think that — but the mind is sometimes curious for all the wrong reasons and my mine is no exception. I think most kids usually turn up normal even though their parents are somewhat twisted.

Breaks — we need it. We cant go all the way without a break be it something mental, emotional or physical we are after all normal humans not super humans — if there is ever such a person. I think breaks help us to come back with a clearer mind, feel more energized and able to deal with situations, people and even ourselves better. Breaks can be vacations or breaks from overwhelming situations. What it is we need it before it breaks us. Sometimes breaks from thinking too much is a good thing too- now if only my mind would consider it.

God loves only rich people and not the poor — a line out of a drama on television. I don't think that's true or is it? I think situations we are in is God's way of testing us — if we are it makes me stronger and wiser. Sometimes we feel victimized like there is injustice in this world — we then compare ourselves to others and I think that's when we start blaming God — I think we have all done that — then realize how wrong we are - then silently ask Him for a positive outcome and guess what? He grants it.

Are you sure you want another serving? What do you think I am fat? No I am just asking — that is your third serving. Irritate me says — my body my business. Leave me alone. Typical conversations when you eat for emotional reasons. We eat to fill our emotional needs instead of health reasons — every moment it seems we look for something to eat — and we do get filled up but only having to deal with another form of emotional upheaval — putting on those extra pounds that we don't need. Never a win a win situation is it? Never it seems.

I miss my mister potato head. Remember him that potato guy with wheels and a seat on its body. It has holes in the front where you can create his face. You make him look normal freakish or just plain funny. I love him and wish he wasn't thrown away. It's a classic toy these days — though I haven't really seen the one that I owned only miniature toys of him with legs —my mister potato head didn't have legs just wheels — because he love to wheel around . I would leave him faceless —scaring my playmates. They got freaked!

Languages — wouldn't it be great if we could understand all the languages of the world and also the language of animals — how grand life would be. We could have built in translators within us and it automatically translates. We would not have barriers only the an understanding of each other and imagine when traveling — no more translators - I can be in a non English speaking country and able to blend in with the locals — I would think that would make the bond of humanity much more stronger and easier to learn about each other's culture too. An idealistic world.

Edgy is what I have been feeling lately. You feel like being on your own — I don't understand it. I think it is my pms or maybe deep down I have unsettling issues. When I get edgy — I tend to be short tempered and then feel really bad about it. Sometimes when you are upset you lose sight of the person you are and when you finally snap out of it you feel remorse and then that's when you realize your compassion is still intact. You realize you're only human — you succumb to things that you have no control over.

Do we really deal with things that has lefts us somewhat scared — like a real bad experience with a loved one? Vent up hurts and issues only add to the problems. You're left frustrated and angered — yet you pretend you are fine. Denial leads us to push people away — not trust anyone and it sometimes it makes us lose on opportunities that life presents to us. Experience is a teacher — sometimes strict sometimes one of those that we don't want to remember. We live but forget to learn from our mistakes and that is when experience failed as a teacher.

Let us talk about love — its invasion into the quiet lives of two souls and how its turned it into one emotional roller coaster ride. When it all seem quiet — BAM love comes around and disrupts it sometimes its this wonderful feeling of walking on air and sometimes it's a feeling that makes you feel good always — even when you are dealt with obstacles. Love is blind probably because when we love someone we love them — regardless of their flaws — we see that as part of them. Love has its eccentricities and complicated. Love — what it does to us — loco!

She told him that love isn't everything in a relationship and he wondered if that was true. He feels love have kept many relationships glued together, it has overcome obstacles. He says when you love someone you overlook so much — the bad habits, the imperfections — when the love of your life hurts you — he thinks its ok. He asks when love dies does it go to love heaven only to be recovered later when the world ends? He asks why does the love of one dies and the other lives on. He is leaning towards the destruction caused by love.

True love does it exists? People have claimed they found it — then again it's just a claim. Is there a modern day Romeo and Juliet? Probably a tragic example but isn't that what true love is about? Till death do you part or die together? I think true love existed in times of our grandparents — I have seen how they loved each other then — it was about the human emotion and the life they build together. I know my grandmother never re married so that is a sign than her love was only for one man. That is so sweet.

I am done talking about love. It confuses me more than it does appease me. If I am not talking about what should I be talking about? Hate? Another human emotion that has made many a people cry — hate is a strong word — they should strike it of from all the languages. Hate paves the way for wars, killing, back biting and the list goes on. Hate has destroyed. I do wonder if anyone ever recovers from hate. I do believe they do — how much hate can a human heart carry right? It seems much — just look at the world!

Being in a coma- in limbo many words to describe it. I wonder how it feels — what is going on in the mind. Another world maybe — a world that some come back from and some don't. Is it heaven or just a myriad of our past that come flashing back one scene at a time? Or is it a moment in time where we are given the time to figure out lives our or maybe see things in more positive light .Have scientist ever tried to probe into the minds of these coma dwellers? What an adventure it would be..

Today would be ten months — and it's been an interesting past ten months since 'c' came into my world. What a world he made it. I am happy for the most part and a bit sad because I cannot have him or even have him love me but I shall not dwell on what he cannot feel for me. Just writing this makes my stomach churn, damn nerves — what did I just get myself into *laughs*. He is happy and that's important. Even if he is with someone else — being happy for him is the right thing to do- right?

I saw it in a coma — the last thing I saw when I fell from the train. Train driver said 'doors closing', one side closed and I was unlucky to be on the other side with a dozen others. I didn't wake up. I see blurriness - that blue truck — don't know where I am. Lost — only the blue truck as a companion — maybe it'll lead me back. It comes towards me — looks like it has wings- I thought it's taking me to heaven —I'm dead — only to realize it was just my imagination on overdrive — phew! What a relief!!!

If I had magic powers —I would change the hearts of mankind. Make them see the beauty in things — make them oblivious to the differences in race and religion — the very thing that causes conflicts. If I had magic powers I would create a spell that everyone would accept each other and where a world where terms like bigots, racists will not exist and neither would wars. We would all be living in peace regardless of our beliefs, our cultures, and our sexual orientations. Idealistic some may say but I do not think it's a bad thing at all &

Sometimes we take life for granted — we take people for granted and pretty much everything else until it's too late — only to regret later. Tears when someone dies are an indication of words left unspoken and things not done or dreams not fulfilled. When we see deaths happen to others — we sit and reflect about how short and fragile life is — yet when the moment is over we go back to not appreciating them. Why does it always take a tragic incident to make us realize things? Why can't it be the beauty of what life presents to us everyday?

I am a nonconformist — I tell myself yet unconsciously I find myself trying to the person that everyone would like. I am always myself for the most part — yet sometimes my self esteem decides to take a break and I find myself comparing myself to others — and trying to be like that — which is just wrong — because one thing is for sure it makes you feel not worth it — yet deep within you there lies this very special person — who refuses to be what society sets his standards for. Being different can be a blessing or a curse — you decide!

Sometimes I think my eyes an are indication of sleep deprivation then again my body seems to indicate too. I hail concealers and eye cream — they work for a moment but they work — then there is that part when your body don't function well neither does your brain — I was able to pull all nighters but it seems with age I am slowly not able to do that. Sleep is crucial I know yet I feel like I miss certain moments in life — it is like the saying so much to do — so little time. Yet it's still never enough!

This would have been the toughest hundred words for me yet. It took me longer than expected and I struggled but I did — I finished it — for me it's a test of me writing everyday , of disciplining myself. I wonder if everyone else has that problem when you struggle to write, find it so hard to pick up that paper or open a word document and just write. Yet you know you want to do it so you push yourself and force yourself to do it and all that struggle was worth it because I got to the end.