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So I'm finally signing up for this thing. I've known about it for awhile but always thought it would distract me from studying. Now I think I have enough distractions, maybe doing this will help. So its March now! March is the greatest month. Its got a determined sound to it. March forth or something. Usually winter ends and spring starts to fall into place. A new month, a new season. Everything is so optimistic. A while ago that would have made me sick but now I think like it. Today is just a good day to be optimistic. March forth!
Its really hard trying to trust someone, when you're me anyway. I guess its hard to learn how to be vulnerable to yourself and your own feelings, if that makes any sense at all. When you rarely rely on other people for a long period of time, its hard to get back into that pattern. I'm learning how to trust people again, something I think I forgot how to do. Its scary that I actually trust very few people. I consider myself a cynical person to some degree and its hard for me to open up. Ahh self-realizations, aren't they great?
What do I have to write about today? I pulled an all-nighter last night, just having fun. I live with my parents and they were lets just say "less than happy" when I got home this morning, only to shower and leave for work. Whats the deal with parents anyway? They were once 19, or so they claim. I hardly believe that they were reluctant to have some of that senseless teenage fun. So whats the big deal? How can they be upset without being hypocrites? I wonder what kind of parent I would be? That blows the mind.
I'm in just a great mood today. I should be stressed out of my mind, and don't get me wrong, I am, but my good mood is overriding that feeling right now. I finally got a mark for a paper I put a lot of effort into and the effort paid off. Its odd how school is my biggest source of frustration but sometimes makes me happy. Isn't that how everything worthwhile is though? You can't just expect things to be fantastic all the time, you have to put up with the all crap first. How's that for extreme optimism?
You know what's great? Condiments. Toppings. Call me crazy but things wouldn't be the same without them. Imagine french fries never meeting ketchup. Or if nobody ever put cheese on a hamburger. Or no one ever thought, hey, some chocolate might be good on this ice cream. Things would be so plain. Or how about if no one ever invented cappuccino and everyone was stuck drinking plain old coffee? Or if no one ever thought to put pickles on a turkey sandwich. I seriously hope there are other people out there who are amused thinking about dumb stuff like this!
Ok I am coming up blank. I'm sure somewhere inside my head is this fantastic entry just waiting to get out, but who knows what all I've got up there? Does anyone else feel that? Not just a temporary mind block where you forget what you were about to say, that's pretty common. But you absolutely, for the life of you, cannot remember something when it counts? It happened to me yesterday during my chem midterm. I could remember what color ink my notes were written in, but nothing else. That's never happened to me before. It was terribly scary.
Somewhere a baby is screaming
I stand still
My brain kicks in and tells me to find the baby
I start walking towards the screams
I peek in every room
Somewhere a child is crying
Softly this time
You can almost hear words underneath the sobs
Now I want to find the child
But I can't.
Why are they hiding from me?
I start to run
I want to help
Then I notice the silence
It swallows me.
Where did they go?
Where did I go?
Of all the things in the world that can make me smile, a nice song ranks pretty high. Now I'm about to say something extremely cheesy and extremely cliché. Music is so expressive. Think about it. It really is. Imagine the rush Bono must feel while he's up onstage belting out "Beautiful Day" or "Elevation" or the anguish he felt writing "With or Without You". Maybe he didn't write that song, I don't know. If he didn't then my most sincere apologies to whoever did write it. It's a beautiful song. I'm going through a U2 phase at the moment.
I don't think there's ever been a more un-photogenic person than me in history. Look at some of those old, yellow photographs your grandparents force you to look at. Those people look miserable and still, I swear, their pictures look better than mine. Why do you think in those old pictures people are never smiling? I can't say I've honestly seen anyone look happy in those pictures. When did people start saying "cheese" for pictures? I guess it must have started with the dorky school photographers who, I bet, get a kick out of all the pissed off looking kids.
I don't have the energy to come up with some "Seinfeld-ish" musing or to write something meaningful at the moment. I'm pretty wrapped up in studying for my biology midterm tomorrow. I'm not ready. For my last exam I didn't study at all but got a 6. A 4 is a passing mark on my school's grading scheme. Not that I'm expecting that to happen again. I credit that to good karma and my natural psychic abilities. But I think I used up my "good for one lucky mark to save your ass" card, so I better hit the books.
With every passing day, another door closes. Another opportunity escapes you. With each word written, the chance of another is diminished. With every choice taken and every decision made, my life changes. Stop to realize that the present isn't just now, it affects the future. The future reflects the past. It reflects today. It reflects this, here and now. These thoughts, these words, the choice I've made to write this. The future Heather reflects who I am at this very moment, and who I will be tomorrow. My life is not a series of periods, it is a continuous journey.
I'm studying. Stupid exams. I can't think of anything else except my exams these days, I apologize. I'm done tomorrow. But today I must study. And bitch, I can always bitch. Ok, so what GENIUS decided to have a class about statistics and probability? It's all just bullshit. No seriously. I have a table in my textbook called Random Numbers. Yeah I bet that was hard to come up with. It's called falling asleep with your face on the keyboard with the NUM lock on. Yeah but what is the probability the numbers would be exactly the same? Oh no…HELP!
I am grateful
For the beauty of people in this world
For a kind smile
For a nice gesture
I am grateful
For hard work
For the rewards of my efforts
For the feeling that I've done my best
I am grateful
I am grateful
For the memory of something wonderful
For a great day
For the hopes of things to come
So its not Thanksgiving but I'm in a great mood today. This isn't intended to be a poem, just so you know. I'm smiling as I type, and for no particular reason!
Some people are boring. No offense. Because a boring person may read this. And I imagine someone reading this thinks I'm boring. Or schizophrenic. Take your pick. I'm not by the way. Now you wonder, "Not what? Boring or schizophrenic?" Take your pick. I like being mischievous, I like being charming, I like being interesting, I like being funny. I think everyone must. And I think everyone genuinely knows they're likable most of the time. I should hope so. Sometimes I annoy myself while having a conversation or whatever. Usually I credit that to one of my frequent caffeine highs.
You look at me
Shake your head
It makes me smile
Wonder what you think
Thoughts race through my mind
Most are good
I shrug when you ask
Afraid to tell you
I wish I could not believe
This is changing me
Am I changed?
I have no one to ask
Does this make me weak?
I don't want to fall
If you won't catch me
Things are different
I never believed before
How this could happen
Never stopped to think
I am glad its you
I love it when it snows. Things are so peaceful, they look so pure. The way the ground sparkles at night in the moonlight or the streetlight. Those who have seen it know what I mean. If you've never seen snow, I order you to visit Canada in March. You must see this! Although it brings miserable cold, I wouldn't trade the snow for anything. I've said this before, life is a trade off, you have to put up with crap to get to something good. I'm a broken record but it is true! And I just need 100 words.
It's been over 6 months since September 11. That date will be synonymous with those awful events forever. It's a gentle description. On the news, they talk about economic decline resulting from the events of September 11th. The events of September 11th. Listening to that phrase cannot even begin to describe what really happened in its full context. The media has normalized all of us to the "events" of September 11th. Keep saying it over and over; try to make yourself believe what it means. Watch CNN cover the war on terrorism and make yourself believe in what it means.
Change. Good or bad? I'm open to arguments. Last year was no question the worst year of my life. I wouldn't ever want to repeat that again. Ever. I was depressed, I doubted everything about myself; my family, my friends, my future. I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't in university yet and my life was uninteresting. Nothing was changing, nothing was happening. But it was easier. I don't like that way that sounds but it was true. Being depressed is easy. I mean no its not, oh my god its not, but sometimes I think its harder to be happy.
I'm trying to write a poem right now and its not working so I'll just put it off. Story of my life.... just put it off. How do you quit something? How do you put it off altogether and be rid of the guilt that follows? I've always been good at finishing what I start. I'm not a quitter. I make good judgements about what works for me. So how do I quit something that is wrong for me? Better question, how do I tell everyone I've quit, and justify it to them the way I've justified it to myself?
There is a struggle for balance with me at the moment. On one side, I'm actually happy, for reasons unknown maybe, but I feel good about myself and my future. Meanwhile, everything with school is terrible. I'm a biology major right now but I've decided next year to switch schools and programs because this isn't right for me. My classes are horrible. I was trying up until a few weeks ago but I'm no longer motivated since I've decided to switch. The major thing is my parents, they'll be upset when I tell them this. How do I tell them?
What to write about? Hmmm nothing comes to mind. Well that's not true, but I'm limited to 100 words. So why start something I can't finish? Does that make me a hypocrite? I'm so struggling with this. I'm kind of surprised how stressed about it I am. Because I could just be like, just suck it up and get through it. That's what I'd normally do but for me to want to get out of it so badly and to just give up isn't like me. I hope. I guess I have a diluted vision of myself. Who doesn't though?
You know what I hate? Rock groups or artists who think they're all hard core but are totally phony. Their clothes and attitudes reflect the typical rock star . But you listen to their music and it's fucking Britney Spears-ish. I don't want to name anybody specifically on here but COME ON. These happy, upbeat, pop-sounding songs coming from some scruffy looking, tattooed guy. And when this *hard core rocker* is interviewed he has this crazy screwed up image of how tough and how cool he is. Its funny actually but it still pisses me off. And then there's rappers…..
I'm about to make a confession that absolutely everyone who knows me well could tell you, and probably every person I meet could figure out pretty quickly. I'm PRIVATE. I'm a quiet person, not necessarily a shy person, but I'm a total introvert about certain things. It's hard for me to confide in people and talk about certain things. Its hard for me to talk about "real" things. It's not really that I have no one to talk to or that I don't want to, I'm just saying it's hard for me. It feels like a disease or something somedays….
So much is left unsaid, and I'm given the perfect opportunity to speak my mind, so why can't I? I beat myself up about that missed opportunity; my heart sinks when that door closes. And I'm sure the person I'm talking to, the person who needs to hear me say what I feel, I'm sure that person hates me for it. It's HARD FOR ME. What the hell is wrong with me? I recognize the problem, the solution seems easy enough and it's not like I'm trying to tell some big shameful secret to a stranger. So whats the deal?
"She's not crazy, just a little misunderstood..." That's my favorite song. So Weezer is coming to Edmonton. How unbelievably excited am?! I was driving when they announced it on the radio and I just started screaming I was so excited. Then I heard the date. April 23. I have my last two exams on April 24. ACK! So how much does that suck? I might drive to Vancouver for their show on the 26th though, or else go to Calgary for the show on the 24th. I'm crazy I'll do it. Because seriously. Well not crazy, just a little misunderstood.....
The cascade continues, obeying the natural pull but defying its own instincts, if it has its own instincts. Misery. Balance. What does it represent? Watch as it carves a smooth trajectory for itself, taking comfort in its actions. The tumble is continuous. It crashes onto the jagged bed as it falls, sending splatters in all directions. Beauty. Perfection. It's one of those things where you can't look away, yet feel guilty for watching. Your eyes are covered anyway, masked to the reality of it by the guise of nature. But we all see things differently. Tell me what you see.
I don't know what to write about today. I'm pretty bored. I've got some Starsailor cranked up pretty good here. And yep, that's what I'm doing. I'm just finishing up my essay for my application. It's crazy how much these education institutions expect you to do, just to get in. How's that for an oxymoron? I'm complaining about the amount of work I have to do to apply, but multiply that by 20 and you have the workload I'll have when I do get in. I want to get in..... I will get in. I'm a positive thinker these days!
Things Heather likes: Cookies with lots of chocolate, the lyrics of this song, socks, mechanical pencils, post-it notes in colors other than yellow, my photo album, a weekend off work, my snowboard, new messages in my inbox, slurpees, dogs, never cats, clean sheets, singing in the car, poutine, new jeans, did I say socks?, repeating myself, watermelon candles, poetry by my favorite writers, my friends, cappacuino, spelling mistakes, the ikea catalogue, walking out of my last exam, ice, ice cream, iced tea, anything iced, and finally....run-on sentences with poor structure! Oh yeah and being a loser sometimes, that's fun too.
Sometimes you stop and think about your life. Everything you have and everything you love about your life, everything you don't like but can't control. There are things you can control, so you try to make changes. We are constant self-improvement projects. But stop and think, let yourself get carried away with your happiness. Imagine how happy you can really be. Like right now...man! Compared to one year ago, I live a new life! I take 100% of the credit for it. Let yourself be happy, let yourself get carried away. Thats my free advice to anyone who wants it.
Would you ever really notice, I've gone away? I'm over the wall, over the hill, over at your place. I'm over the safeties, over the phone calls, over the rage. What a mistake. When you've lost the stones to throw, means I've found...somethin somethin….and all the lonely souls that say so, defy it. I'm over the wall, over the hill, over at your place. I'm over the safeties, over the phone calls, over the rage." I'm obsessed with this song, Mistake by Nickelback, but I think they're just covering it. I love Nickelback. Chad is a hottie, but that's unrelated…!
Well I can't believe I've been doing this for a month. So how was everybody's March? Good? Good to hear. Mine was pretty fantastic. I had a good time. Lots of work too, with school and work and everything. *Note: this is kinda like Jerry's final thoughts at the end of Jerry Springer and NO I'm not like a Springer groupie* But things are good. So what's coming up? Well I'm leaving for my big Banff weekend today, even though we're not going to Banff. But saying we're going to Banff sounds better than vacationing in Calgary! Should be fun...
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