REPORT A PROBLEM
April!! I'm pumped! I have about 3 weeks until my exams are done. It's actually more like 4 weeks until they're done but I'm rounding down. Kinda like my ass, rounding down...wait scratch that. Easter is the worst time to start a diet or get motivated to get in shape and stop eating junk food and sweets. Those little chocolate eggs are like what I imagine a tough guard at a Red Chinese Prison would be like. Actually I don't think about Red Chinese prisons on a regular basis but I'm on a sugar high.... Those damn little chocolate eggs.
The sound of laughter, but not just ordinary laughter. I'm talking about screaming laughter piercing the air, scenting it with its spicy and exhilarating fumes. You can't help but smile along with it. To imagine someone's pure joy and the chemicals flooding the good part of their brain as they laugh with their whole body, their whole consciousness. You know what it feels like, you remember the last time you laughed whole-heartedly. Ahh good times is what I always say. Those "you had to be there" stories are SO the best, especially when you really were there. Laughing is good.
When something or someone really pushes your buttons, really gets to you all you can do is try to ignore it, forget about it. But it will nag at you, it will mess up your concentration, that little thought you hoped you'd annihilated is damn persistent. As I'm walking out the door today my mother (whom, by the way, hasn't spoken to me for the last 3 days) told me to clear an hour of my precious schedule because she wanted to talk to me. What am I supposed to do with THAT on the bus to the university? Fuck.....
I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family, I will not bitch about my family. I refuse.
It's my best friend's 20th birthday today. She will read this. HI!!! *imagine Heather waving with this huge loser-ish grin on her face* Hope you smiled at that! We've been best friends through our entire teenage years! You showed me how to ignore your inhibitions, how to have shameless fun. We went through friends and cliques and junior high. We shared endless Thursday night trips to the mall, cracker fights and high school computer classes. We avoided ducks on dirt roads and laughed about it later (think metaphor here!!!). I just wanted to say you deserve the Happiest Birthday possible!
I am pretty close to the typical university student. I realized this eating a bowl of cereal, after waking up from a nap (at 1 a.m.) and was excited because Road Runner was on. I've never been more broke in my life but buying friends' shots at the bar is a priority. I get up and go to work on Sunday usually on less than 3 hours of sleep, and usually either still tipsy or massively hung-over. And I jump around as I'm reading about lichens, cramming for a bio final. And get excited when it makes sense. Oh man....
To all the kids still living with their parents, particularly students, I'm sure you know how I feel. And to those who've gotten away, no matter how long ago you moved out, LUCK-Y! I'm moving out of my parents' house soon, July hopefully. This will be the second time I've moved out, the last time when I was 16, for certain circumstances. Now I'll be 19, nearly 20. I can taste the freedom. My boyfriend is moving out in like 2 weeks and now I'm just climbing the walls, wishing it was me. Get me the fuck OUT of here...
With a load on my shoulders
The weight on my back
Crushes not only my bones
But my drive to keep hiking
I want to stop
Camp for the night
But you don't like to camp
Neither do I
But I want to stop
Please let me stop
Hey wait a minute, I'm hiking alone. Am I talking to a squirrel? A FUCKING SQUIRREL? But this is no ordinary squirrel, this is the wise Ghandi of squirrels. See? You can tell by the turban on his head and the sandals he wears. What's that Ghandi Rodentia? No, I won't finish my trail mix, knock yourself out if you're hungry….
Today as I was driving, I looked into my rearview mirror and saw about a 12 year old boy and most likely his father in the car behind me. The boy was saying something and smiling and the man was laughing hysterically. The kid had this huge smile on his face. It was so nice to see. Like when you were a kid and you said something to make your parents laugh it made you feel so great. I wonder what they were talking about. My luck it was some racist joke which would spoil the poignancy of the moment.
If the Sun met the Moon
In the same sky
Could they live together
Or both just die?
Would each want a struggle
To come across?
Would it come down to
A simple coin toss?
Would the world fall to dusk
Or brilliant dawn?
People will smile and stretch
Or simply yawn?
Would the sun shine strong
Reaching the world
In their simple ways
Would the moon fade away
Stealing the stars
Would it cower and hide
Somewhere behind Mars
If the Sun met the Moon
In the same sky
Would beauty astound us
Or pass us by?
You know I try to like my parents. I try to have respect for them and for where their screwed up ideas and opinions come from. I try to understand that it's hard for them to see me as an adult. But I can only do that to a point before my head will fucking explode. They have no precedence to not trust me. They have every reason to trust me. They have no right to think of me as their property and assume the responsibility to make my decisions for me. They deserve my regardless respect!? Try earning it.
Ok I'm making "Today" resolutions. I'm in a determined mood. And forgive me for being in 3rd person….
1. Studying is your first priority until exams are done, no excuses (other than the possibility of going to Weezer)
2. Give up your stupid idea of the "milk" diet. You're fucking lactose intolerant, get over it.
3. Stop fuming about your family
4. Suck it up and start running every day again, screw the snow.
5. Teach the dog to talk (cause that would just be hella cool)
6. Stay happy because things could be worse.
Today I was writing about why I think marijuana is on its way to being legalized and why I agree with both sides of the argument but I can't fit it into 100 words, without sounding like a jackass. So instead I'm just going to mention what I tried writing about and what I'm thinking about at the moment. And since I've just accomplished that now I need some "FILLER" But since I've just come right out and said this is filler, how many people are really interested in what I'm saying? Am I? NOPE. So I don't blame ya....
She thought things were better
The smiles exchanged practically promised it.
Mistakes made could be forgiven
She hoped the safety could finally return
Regret, Frustration, Pain, Hate
Would melt away
It's raining outside but still warm.
The warmth is as shallow as hope can be
As the puddles collected on the street
The smell of spring is a terrible tease
The anticipation she feels
Knowing the season will eventually turn
Then it happens and everything falls away from her
The warmth turns sharply to cold
Her cloud of breath lingers in the icy air
She hunches forward and shivers
Aching for spring to warm her
And the rain turns to snow.
The whiteness of snow is daunting.
I have nine days left of university. Nine little days until I walk out of my very last exam. A 4 hour, multiple choice ecology exam booklet will be my last experience as a university student. How do I feel about this? I'm undecided. Maybe I'll go back someday, only time will tell. I'm noticing I'm having trouble coming up with something today. Maybe it's because I'm finally caught up on sleep. Thats part of preparing for finals I suppose, sleeping. Getting all rested up. I'm carbo loading too. Yeah, that sounds like a good excuse! No, I'm only kidding.
Its so weird to have a conversation with someone you don't really know. You ask questions to try and get to know them, you tell them things you want them to know about you. You're making judgements slowly, and so are they. And somewhere down the line the watered down questions and selective answers become uncensored and you feel like you know the person. The conversation becomes easy and enjoyable. You become friends. Then you know the person better than anyone else, possibly better than you know yourself. Your newest best friend. And it started with that one awkward conversation.
I always hear poems or quotes or songs that I wish I wrote, or had the capacity to write. I wish I could fumble around and come up with something as perfect as what just struck me. Little things.
"You make me lay down. You make me forget I am here. You make me safe now. You make the faces disappear."
But anyway.... Words are feelings. Words that stay with you. You think about them and analyze them and love them. They mean something. Its a simple expression and its just indescribable. Man I wish I could write something like that.
I'm infuriated. At what? I'm not even sure myself. Actually that's not true. I do know but its such a combination of things that have gotten me into this frenzy (I use the term loosely since I'm not exactly in a frenzy......) I can't even think straight. The effects of exam week on a student. Random problems. You. The state of poverty I've discovered. Its like I'm driving in rush hour and I'm very late for something very important. And the traffic never clears. I don't have a moment to stop and think, to breathe. And right now I'm breathless.
Jealousy is a weird feeling, and it's something that's crept up on me. I never really felt it before, not in this capacity anyway. Not that I'm really even jealous. Or that I have something to be jealous of. I just am. I think. Oh fuck I don't know. I'm someone who could play out a drama in my head, who can blow something totally out of proportion without saying a word to anyone, and without them saying a word to me. I should write screenplays I tell ya. I think it's because I'm a virgo. But yeah, jealousy... Hmmmm.
Another little amusing rant session, brace yourself! Something that bugs me, but makes me laugh, is those commercials for cat or dog food. The announcer is gushing over succulent, juicy, real beef in a rich gravy, with real vegetables. Packed with essential nutrients and vitamins and all that crap. ITS CAT FOOD! They show close-ups of fucking cat food being served in a crystal dish, and they like pick up a chunk of meat with a fork. And these people are GUSHING about it! I wonder if they've all tried it and if it's simply delightful. Its so funny! Seriously!
I find myself in a neutral mood today. I haven't slept the past several nights now, which is not good since I should be well-rested for my double whammy on Wednesday. I'm talking about 2 exams by the way. And then I'm done! Hopefully I'll sleep like a baby on Wednesday night. No Weezer..... I'm incredibly incredibly disappointed about it. There was no way I could get time off work, I can't really afford to go, and no one would go down to Calgary with me for a band they didn't really like. FUCKERS hey? I'm just kidding. Oh well.
Make me witness
The whiteness of your eyes
The hopes they hold
And everything you've seen.
I don't need to hear your words
I want your eyes to speak
They can say more
Than you ever can.
They are simply a window
To whoever you are
You're right now.
So anyway, that's that. I've run out of things to say. I welcome constructive criticism. Even if you think it sucks, although I won't promise to improve. I never said it was GOOD. It's just what it is.
I went jogging to clear my head today and it worked better than I remember. In the past, I used to exercise when I got stressed out. Somehow I got out of that healthy, productive pattern and fell into another, most likely of the unhealthy, destructive variety. But the occasional time, when my head if about to explode and smoke is literally coming out of my ears I decide to go for a run. When I run normally, it's for the sole purpose of exercise but I should look at it as a multi-purpose activity cause MAN it was good.
I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!
I wish I knew what to write. I wish I could just be totally upbeat and completely and unconditionally happy because I'm done school. I am, when I think about it. It's the greatest feeling. Then I remember where I live. And I think about the endless guilt trips, and the new little threats that now accompany them. The utter lack of compassion, support, understanding and respect bothers me the most. Parents who would sacrifice their kids' happiness for their own. That's fucked. Some day it won't be them who's shitting all over me, I wonder what they'll say then.
Do you think time is a natural progression that runs on a fixed rate? Or do you think periods occur simultaneously and then get warped together so we can understand it all. Do you think there is a God? Do you think He knows what the fuck He's doing up there? Do you ever stop to think of the sheer magnitude of people living on this planet and how right now an entire continent is sleeping? Do you wonder if today is going to be the day your life changes? Or takes a miraculous turn for the better? Or ends?
I can't think of anything. Someone must have snuck into my room last night while I was sleeping and, like, turned on a faucet and watched the contents of my consciousness drain onto my pillow. Then they started to sort through this heap of crap (which wasn't as big as you'd have thought!) looking for something useful, or maybe top secret (ooh yeah that's good) but didn't find it. They got upset because they couldn't find what they came for. Heh heh heh (that's my evil laugh). It was there boys, it's just in code.
Holy shit I'm a loser…
April 28th. Yep, thats today. Its actually May 2nd, and I decided to go back and look at my April batch because I was wondering why it wasn't up. My bad! So I got two pieces of news about next year. I got an interview for my first choice of programs, but I didn't get into my second choice. This simply makes me more nervous about the interview; the stakes are that much higher for me to do well on it. So I'm psyching myself up. I'm gonna kick ass. I'm gonna be the best interview. I'm gonna get in.
The word indescribable is a complete contradiction. If you can characterize something as indescribable, then it no longer can be explained by the definition of the word. Because you've found a word to describe whatever it is you're talking about. So if you think about it, the word is useless because absolutely nothing can be described as indescribable. The word technically doesn't exist. Well it exists, it just means basically nothing because its definition is an oxymoron. Ok so I've made my idiotic little point. And no I'm not stoned right now. I guess I'm just very, very easily amused....
This month was incredibly stressful but good. I can't say I've ever recalled a time in my life that was as stressful but at the same time good. Now exams are all done, next week I'll find out about college, and this weekend I partied. And tonight I will party. And next weekend I will most likely party. Yes, life is good. It's almost stress-free, fun, easy and enjoyable. I don't even have to look for a second part time job for the summer; my current job asked me to go full time. I love it! It's almost too easy....
The Tip Jar