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BY Irukat

12/01 Direct Link
Humorous, this. I can't afford any happy, illicit drugs, or less regulated things like alcohol or tobacco these days. I have, in their stead, become addicted to the written word. I have stashes of books everywhere, a whole closet full of magazines, articles, paperbacks, what have you. I carry around a sketchbook full of poetry and ramblings everywhere I go. Problems remembering if I have gone a day without reading. I suppose going blind would severely mess me up, but I can always turn to braille... unless someone removes my hands. I'll fall back on music, then.. until I'm deaf.
12/02 Direct Link
She screamed into the bleak wasteland.. "It's all the same, you know you can't escape it. You will never escape because you have wrought this on yourself. This is real, this is reality.. this is how things are. They're all the same, every last one. All the people that love you will and definitely tear you apart in the end. They want what is best for you, even though they don't know how you really feel. What they give you and what you need aren't going to be the same things." Fallen, distraught. Awash in blood... let it flow away.
12/03 Direct Link
Only in the night the pain is the worst. My legs cramp up and I want to scream horribly. Instead I lay there in the darkness and shut my eyes tight, willing the spasms to go away. My hands reach down to the muscles drawn tight. Work, just work properly for once. I promise you that there will be no more knives if you do this for me, just this once. Unfortunately flesh can't respond to empty promises... only the ears and eyes can. Blood looks the best against white sheets anyways... Even in my darkest times I'm an artist.
12/04 Direct Link
I don't remember a day so filled with pinnacles and crevices. Never had a mood swing this bad before... Perhaps it's the coffee... or the lack of sleep and food... but whatever it is I don't like it. I'm cold, fragile. If I reach out to anyone I'm afraid of crumbling in and severely hurting myself. Not a good idea. Never a good idea. A solution came today, possibly. It's a way out. I've needed a way out for a long, long time. Moving will help.. disorient me enough that I could get out. I don't know... everything seems bleak.
12/05 Direct Link
You walk in the room, the occupants disappear in a cloud of smoke. Not heeding the vapours left, you shut the door behind the invaders and ready for sleep. First, wandering over to the stereo, you decide to turn it off instead of listening to a random selection of electronic music. Perhaps a little bit of television? No, it's only good for distractions when you try to drift off into darkened slumbers. Finally naked, you pull back the covers and turn off the light before climbing in the cold bed. The walls close in, and a nightmare begins.
Does it?
12/06 Direct Link
Your eyes were rimmed with laughter... stains of an old memory.. Dripping down into a puddle. Perhaps this was so delightful and warm in memory.. Made out to cover over a scar from your past. Darkness and dreams can hold you now. Finding similar arches of movement all these long miles between. Quite unusual and confusing, these times are.. Force or trying to put structures down on a seething wellspring of jumbled thoughts. I love my spontaneity, but it one thing that hold me back, so many tangents I cannot follow. You slip back into dreams, float off on winds.
12/07 Direct Link
She cried her last tears and went off into the woods. Perhaps this was going to be the last time they'd use her like this.
I gathered my old bag and trudged on into the wilderness. Apparently I have to find this wanderer and bring him to "enlightenment" of sorts. Not sure what good it will do... nothing I accomplish benefits others.
On the way out she spied a homely looking man.... messy hair, torn and faded clothing. (beckoning) "Say, what do you think of the vibrations I produce with these machines? They're incredibly powerful... enough to make bones vibrate."
12/08 Direct Link
Misconceptions are frequent these days... loosely drawn tangents are solidified by my paranoiac fears. I want to heal myself. It's incredibly hard, though. Much work... sometimes it's incredibly difficult not to fall back on my old habits.. to give into pain. I find it increasingly difficult to be around other people, let alone talk to them. So afraid to speak.. everything I say will be ignored. the isolation hurts, but the people I run to hurt more. so many ill defined emotions that I can't draw on. No more.. please. Just let me sit, exist... anything else hurts too much.
12/09 Direct Link
Reflection upon reflection. Where do the illusions end and the real thing begin? I can't tell the difference today... Hiding in shadows, darkness, and dreams.. Even my dreams, those peaceful elusive havens, can no longer serve me. Stripped away.. I have my mind, as sick as it is... that's it. Perspectives are so fucked right now. Breaks are needed. Perhaps running could help, just one day of peace. So much. Too much. Too many emotions all balled up and stuffed inside. Blocked. Now they flow over the top immeasurably. Hold on for just one more day.. it will change. Promise.
12/10 Direct Link
I try to lead myself away from the things I know work. Hurt.. agony. Severe physical trauma. I don't want to resort to such drastic measures, but some days it feels completely justified and necessary for survival. I hate it. So much. Most of the time these things can't be expressed delicately.. they're not kisses and roses, the gaze of a lover's eyes, a warm all-encompassing hug. What exists is cold, isolation, blood, pain, and tears. Chemicals never felt so good and needed until you hit bottom. Only way to claw your way out is to sink nails into flesh.
12/11 Direct Link
So many cracks are showing. You can't cover them all. You know that now. Pick up your pieces, head out the door.
I obliged the voice, shaking as I stuffed the clothes into my bag. Words hurt more when you've got no walls up, especially if they've been shattered daily.
After the required items were gathered in tremoring hands, my legs carried me down the stairs, running by the time I hit the first floor. Doors flew open, I ran out to the car... suffocating with rage, pain, anguish and sadness. Today would end with pain. I felt it coming.
12/12 Direct Link
Tears flew.. so many tears. Shaking.. The tremors made it difficult to hold the wheel. Can't see through water. Screams. Let it all go... you can let it go. Do whatever you need to, girl. Just let it flow out. These things can only hurt you if you keep them in.
Finally I reach a haven. somewhere safe, alone. quiet. peace. I find my peace there. Sighs, tears, cries. The voices follow closely behind. "You shouldn't have done that. You're just a weakling, you can't even take care of yourself. How do you expect to make it if you can't hold a simple job."
12/13 Direct Link
(how could you let this happen? why didn't you do anything to stop them? don't you care enough to do anything about it? weak. you always were.. a ploy to garner the love of everyone, shameless bitch. hate you. )

(why am i subjecting myself to this.. I don't need to do this... I don't want to do this.... no... not the blood. I don't want to be hurt)

"What you have done is deplorable, shameful. You're bad. You deserve this pain. You need more pain. Something to justify what you have not been able to do. You need punishment."

12/14 Direct Link
A blade is brought forth. My hands shake. Focus. Skin is forced apart, torn by the dulled edge. Nothing. no pain... that comes later as the blood seeps out of the gashes. Beads of blood fall down to the ground, leaving bright trails across the ashen skin.
Calm descends as the cuts slowly clot. I don't even shiver in the brisk winds that December has brought to the cornfields. I stare into the crystalline blue sky, wondering when my snow will come. Some ash falls on the radio, I blow it off.
The pain sets in. I stop the voice.
12/15 Direct Link
Perhaps today isn't the best time to go off. There's nothing in the coffers, very little in the purse. My mind needs a break from this environment, though. I become cruel and unforgiving too easily these days. Try to regain some sane recollection. How things are actually going. Narrow minded guidance is best left behind. I loathe money. Probably because I've got so many difficulties with it, keeping it. Regardless of all these factors, I choose to go. I reason that it's about time I do something for myself, and this shall be it. Dig a little bit deeper, dear.
12/16 Direct Link
Meekly standing, I watch him pace about the rooms with phone in hand. He kicks the scattered clothing, papers, and boxes that are strewn about the floor of the dorm room. Luckily the movie was left running, I've got something to do for twenty minutes. The disc plays on, oddly quiet. Something is striking about one of the more serious scenes.. a character removes all of his hair in a blue-cast room. White light is turned on, sparingly brightening the room. Silver flash of a razor, quick flow of red blood, cascading down wrists. slump. Beautiful, pale blue
horrid red.
12/17 Direct Link
Brushing the hair out of my eyes, I glanced up into his face. He was laughing quietly as the wind blew leaves around us in a whirlwind... organic tornado. Somehow I had fallen over in the joyous meeting, losing the grip on the notebook that always appeared in my hand on days out. "Perhaps this was a mis-step," I muttered as papers skittered away, mimicking the leaves. He laughed again and bent down to pick up my artwork. "This is nice, perhaps you should ink it someday." I blushed, mumbled about some created inadequacy of mine... deny the truth, again.
12/18 Direct Link
Wake up.. run girl. Don't beat yourself over the head again... it just leaves you tired, wasted. Go out, for once. Do something that will help you out. make you feel better. Don't care about those things.. you can take care of them after you take care of you. You're forgetting yourself again. Be selfish for once. Don't give in again.. you know it hurts... you know the pain.. stop agreeing. [so many words that I wish I heard, but I'm the only one to say them] [sit back and cry, for this is all you can do, really... ]
12/19 Direct Link
Dropping down, I brush my hands against her lips. They're cracked and dry... flaking from days of dehydration and cruel northern winds. Softly my hand reaches behind her head, feeling the shape of the skull underneath all of that vibrantly dyed hair. She looks so fragile in sleep, strangely peaceful. I don't understand what brings me to force her through all this pain... she doesn't need any of the things I can do for her. Perhaps it's to feed a lie she once found behind the words of an old friend. She turns away, I fade into memories, wind, haunting.
12/20 Direct Link
I only cheat myself if I don't do this in the moment.... capturing the essences of these days has long been burnt and wasted. Fine ashes fall across the pages hastily scrawled in tormented spells. Soon, a transformation begins. I can feel it.. I'm on the cusp. Finally ready after all these tears. I have found my peace, parts of it at least. Some recognition of life beyond these bleak walls. No more forced rhymes stream past these ears. This will happen. I will not let this fall behind. Escape is fresh on my lips. I can finally grasp it.
12/21 Direct Link
Simple, simple.. just one more step.. You can take it. I've made it this far... the sun is seeping into my room... shattering my dreams for the moment. I turn over in the cold bed, even though I've been there for 4 hours already. Maybe it's time to sleep "normally". grrr... all these things I ‘should' do. "This is the correct way to do things... what you are doing is wrong, bad... not normal!" Some days I wish the voices in my head would shut up for good. ::sigh:: Change.. please... help me leave this place... that's it. just this.
12/22 Direct Link
"Midnight is where the day begins." No solace for me is found. "Man makes a picture, a moving picture. Man captures colour, a man likes to stare, he turns his money into light to look for her." (Lemon, U2)
Is it me who makes everything hurt? Am I the reason for all these scars and failed memories? I don't know today. Part of me wants to be around people, close. Other parts are screaming at me, telling me that I should never be around others.. all it will do is hurt me... I hate them both, right now. Reset. ::click::
12/23 Direct Link
"I am falling, I am fading, I have lost it all." (Duvet, BoA)
So many echoes are here today. They've crept into my head... I can feel them draped around my huddled body. I can understand why people are depressed around holidays... but for me this is something that is every day.. every waking moment.. it's not seasonal. ... please.. don't do this.. Don't even touch me. When I said "Don't touch me," I meant it indefinitely... I know that this message won't be understood by any readers except the ones who will never see this... They don't understand, anyways.
12/24 Direct Link
A child of the light shall come down from the heavens to bring peace to the land. Some will believe, but most will scorn and reject him. He shall be killed by the people he grew with. Why should this be such a reknowned being? A god figure is needed. I came upon this thoughs several years ago, in my wonderous teen years. Man needs a definition, some unknowable spirit guide to give shape to the world. When structure is removed people flounder about, unsure. Of all days, this one does not please me anymore.... it's all just stuff. ::tied::
12/25 Direct Link
Surrounded by noise, I stare out into the trees. Bleakly coloured trees blanket the hill, wispily covered with snow. I wish I had left earlier.. so much earlier... Granted.. I heard story upon story about the exploits of my more outgoing family members and ate non-instant food for once.. but the whole thing was becoming uncomfortable after the 3rd hour. Luckily, I made it through... the sleep deprivation helped... dazed and half-deaf. My family is making me more uneasy, I feel they tread lightly. I know it's just me..... I really need a break from this... all of it. ::sigh::
12/26 Direct Link
"You can't take anything with you, except the love...." Still half deaf, songs filter through my ears as I drive on to solitude for a few short hours. I am lifted out of my fogs by levity... even the simplest sound and mews create blinding smiles and peals of laughter, unnoticed by oblivious cats. This is how I view my life here... me, the cats, the phone, and my computer(s). None of these things are really mine. I move about unfettered. Most days I don't curse the distances until I attempt to breach them. I fall back defeated, tired, emptied.
12/27 Direct Link
So many truths obscured behind uncertainty. Words are powerful, words can trap... Unfortunate circumstances lead to forgetfullness.. Who wants to remember what they've done wrong over again.. no end until sleep, but that's not even housed in sureties now.... Dreams can come so swift and furiously down, wrenching me from sleep into a world that's is more painful than the waking, outer world. Destruction vents, but not always... blood to be spilled only in hate.. never in love. Perhaps there's nothing left for me in masochism, or even sadism... too many years spent in pain to actually enjoy it now.
12/28 Direct Link
So many hours spent waiting in dreams this early morning fell down into a cloud of apathy. The fog lifted briefly as things shattered for a few brief minutes on the phone.... So many reminders that I have nothing here.... so much pain for what I haven't accomplished, so much unbreachable silence that I cannot break down without tears, fear, and trepidation. Things were made better by kind words from friends, soothing music, and a therapeutic hair colour change.... followed by a wonderful looooonnnng phone conversation... ahhhh so happy. Now all I need is some sort of infallible transit system.
12/29 Direct Link
my brother... "You always seem to freak out when you get hurt..." I think I do, but that's when I don't do it intentionally.... A candle jar shattered from extreme heat one day, while I played with the lid. Closed it back up, not noticing the wax about the rim. It sat for a while, cementing itself together. Upon opening, the glass tore itself free and plunged fastly into my thumb, welling blood. Turning white, I removed the quickly obscured bit and clenched onto a nearby shirt, quelling the flow. The decision for bloodshed doesn't result in panic, only pain.
12/30 Direct Link
I found myself screaming into tears and wind yesterday. So much silence. So many words fall useless from my unused tongue. If people are there, but say nothing there is nothing left to do. I cannot breach the silence and find peace behind what is said. Everything is on unstable ground. I think too much. I am too aware. I find fear in what will come next. These days do not bring me solace. They make me wish for wings. Flight is sounding better, and the farther I can get away the more freedom I shall find. Just once more.
12/31 Direct Link
Introspection of the year.. usually the end of months are just small bits.. but for some reason a huge feeling decends on most of the populace. I'm sure the same thing would happen if we moved the end of the calendar year to the Spring Equinox. Ahh.. from a girl, to a boy. Colours faded through my mind. Black, brown, purple, blue, blood red.... so much blood red.. now it's fading away to a bruise.. Aftermath of a trauma. Now is the time for healing. Regrowth. Spring is more suited to the new year instead of the dead of winter.