well this is my first entry. i guess there's a first for everything? yeah. i guess it should mean something too. also, usually i write like a total of four thousand plus words. and i guess now i cant smile or anything. so it's pretty much quite dead writing. but i suppose it's worth a read anyway. i've hardly started and im finishing. sigh. but! im still blogging yeah. i sound totally solemn. hope they're not boring. this is quite heavily edited too! these are supposedly the things people experience when they're limited to a hundred words a day. yeah.

i'm more convinced than ever that school creates friends and then destroys that beautiful friendship. however is life really only about building relationships? fought over basketball in the morning, and then got seriously pissed the whole day after indian dance. it isnt justifiable when what someone thinks of you is less than what you really are but what can you really do about it? i've always wanted to put myself in someone else's shoe and look at myself. then i'd finally know what i really am. you should never let admiration come in the way of a great friendship. damn.

realised today that actually unity doesnt come easily. no matter how hard i try, unity is when everyone works together at something. it's not achieved by one person's attempt. especially when the attempt is weak. what we really have to do is learn to work with each other despite differences. and even tho this is said so many times to the point of it being cliche, its meaning still remains there and true. it's just a concept we have yet to master despite the many practices. we should stop thinking things are stupid and instead appreciate them for their wisdom.

being on an emotional roller coaster twenty four seven can be an extremely tiring thing. but no one does it better than my sister. especially when it comes to friendship. i used to think i was bad enough. people tell me im overly dramatic and that i shouldnt express all my emotions resulting in people never taking me seriously. but i've never taken it to the extent my sister does. one moment she hates someone the next she likes that person. i wish she were more sincere to her friends. even if she is real to me as a sister.

it seems more evident that everything i do will never make sense. always doing the less important things. whatever happened to prioritising? sheesh. and the fact is that im tired of wanting to please myself all the time. im tired of putting so much pressure on myself. why cant i just get stressed out the normal way? being proactive isnt so great anymore. being reactive just feels so much easier. i just get so insecure when i think about her. and suffering illnesses you cant cure really sucks. i just hope i get well and STAY well for once. crap.

people always want what they havent got. i dont like having restrictions and i've realised that it's restrictions that lead to rebellion anyway. abolish! kill! wrong! fight for freedom! but then again, what is freedom without lack of freedom? yeah and i finally know how awful it feels to be so close to something yet so far way. it's probably worse than being turned off the moment you reach orgasm? i dont know. and i feel like i've been spritually very close to god but i dont know anything about him. since when was history so important anyway. so loser.

what the hell is wrong with you? heh i know you love my name so much but calling it out in front of a whole group of people is just really low. it's funny how some people can resort to such pathetic means just to prove themselves worthy. i know you're really screwed but dont screw me cuz of that. i just wish you'd stop looking like him because you suck so bad and he so doesn't. i dont know why you're consuming most of my thoughts now, but one thing's for sure, you really suck. fucking piss off loser.

i've realised how people can really improve themselves and really change. the only deterrent daunting us from achieving what we want is the thing we want changing. and change will always exist no matter what happens. had national day today. and it seems that even tho many people are not as patriotic, they do seem to be really enthu and step out of their comfort zones on this day. it is really beautiful. or rather i find it so. i hope we can find these everyday intricate moments more distinct. if everyday were like today, time would be virtually nonexistent.

what is most crucial about our lives today? relationships. what is the whole point of living? you are born, you live a life, you get married and you give birth to more children. for a man it's probably the same except he helps in the production of children. that is the circle of life. so why bother polishing talents, getting jobs or anything? doing those should only be for a reason. and that reason being attracting a probable husband of which you will adore. i have discovered the purpose of our lives. to reproduce. seems noble enough does it not?

regret is the worst thing ever. it seems to always be evident in my life. but more often than not, i feel it when i havent done something i'd been given the opportunity to do. it's not my fault. and yet, opportunity only comes once in a while. shouldnt you grasp it? even if it does come again, will the same thing happen again? you know that it's not your fault. why cant you forgive yourself? what has happened has happened. you are just merely sitting here reminiscing about what is inevitable. what the freaking hell is wrong with you?

where has trust gone? what this world really needs is more trust. however, the very thing we need is gone because of us. yeah we're throwing our lives away. it's the very things we do everyday that lose other peoples' trust. if you cant trust yourself, how can you ever trust others? this is the very thing we need because trust is essential in relationships. this totally juxtaposes what hanwei said last time not to trust anyone in the world. but i guess we should trust everyone. we need to take the first step. without trust, sanity will become statistical.

hundred words makes me feel a lil more stressed out than normally. im constantly thinking i havent done something. which in some cases it's good. but it gets annoying when i realise that there's nothing more i can do for something. this probably also reflects my personality. basically i havent got a clear enough idea of what i want to be able to focus on that singular thing. especially when i strive to be good at everything. i guess i need to find the door i want. and just work on one door. i should be more like my sister.

i've closed down my blog yeah. at least i've still got hundred words. which is good i guess. realised how i cant seem to remember anything. and thus resulting in me always having to write down my thoughts. i miss those days where thoughts didnt have to be recovered. that they remained as thoughts without having to be communicated to the world. i miss those times i used to blog with passion and not giving a damn who reads. it's not like this anymore. it's become a chore. even hundred words is pretty much a chore. afterall, what's the point?

im getting better and better at gauging my entries here and their length. so it's quite helpful in estimating length in my essays. does writing really make you a better and more intellectual person? or does it just create that illusion? im afraid that my blog may have been used by me as a tool to create an impression. so that this impression would impress others. however, it baffles me whether that impression is real or fake. i guess we'd never find out. however true it is, this fact still disturbs me. we should realize that blogging is merely blogging.

everyday im worried about tons of stuff. and i've realised i've become quite an uptight person who thinks about every single thing. even tho this instinct was originally accumulated from chess, it's really energy draining. yeah. sometimes i wish i could think less about things and i suppose not blogging sort of helps that. but honestly, thinking about everything can be really useful. especially the whole essence of chess which has helped me analyse and deduce people's moves and their thoughts. but i need to realise that life isnt a chess game. it's a chess game with personality and passion.

you should stop reading all this rubbish now. whatever i have written has been shit. who wants to pretend they know everything? what have i done to convince you that i make sense? walking thru life everyday and all people ever do is tell me what im doing is wrong or that im complete rubbish however i try to counter it. i should freaking give up trying especially if everyone is so indignant that i could ever be someone who made sense. they're afraid of themselves. as for me, i am just stuck here in this completely fucked up mode.

time passes way too fast. life is completely weird. and i understand it's part of god's strange and incomprehensible ways. but sometimes, i really feel like god should put himself into our shoes. and i need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. i mean i should be more thankful especially since god is right THERE and he's always thinking about me. why cant i do the same for him? because im human and he made me like this. oh wait! he didnt make me like this. everything is my fault okay? argh. i think i need a psychologist pronto.

what the freaking hell is wrong with me? i dont need tons of people to tell me im really fucked up especially if i didnt really do anything. you have any idea how screwed i am? i wake up at weird hours in the middle of the night, i sleep the moment i go home. unlike normal people i have an average of 3 hours of sleep each night. and i never do any piece of homework. i've got people telling me im pro and people telling me i suck. why cant all of you be bloody consistent for once?

went for chess competition today. realised how we havent really polished up anything. especially since we're the underdogs. our school is really screwed not to get us a decent coach. well what i've learnt is that mediocrity doesnt come from lack of practice. rather, it originates from lack of opportunity. and the only way to destroy mediocrity is to introduce opportunity to those who show talent. not interest. ah yes. and team, we had fun! that's what really matters. chess has also induced this analytical sense to predict movements. i have once again mastered the art of deducing. how enlightening!

been doing hundred words wrongly. just read the guidelines and it's supposed to be done everyday religiously. messed that up. how not to edit if entries are more than a hundred words? ah well shall get better and better. less emo stuff? but at times i just really feel like writing something. it's the same as how my blog died. it didnt die because i stopped writing. it died when i started writing for the wrong reasons. on a different note, im missing something. but i dont know what! unfortunately, all i can say is whatever.

issy please stop acting.

i've just realised what a great life i have already! so yeah. i do love my friends tons. haha it turns out we did supremely well for chess and it's very happifying. ahhh the exhilaration! i do wish everyday were like today. haha however, priorities are dying and im losing steam at a very fast rate! asked qiner to do taret cards thing today and even tho it's against my religion. i suppose it was pretty accurate. regardless, i'm supposed to do a few things to improve myself? ah well. cheers to everyone and do smile everyday! wooo. hydrochloricacid c'mon!

i was so sure i could change. yet im so incapable of it. what really is stopping me now from achieving what i want is the lack of discipline. i suppose it's really a self character thing going on. however, im really looking forward to basketball tomorrow so i can play all my worries away once again. im wasting away my life right now and i have no idea how people like samuel can live like this. however, that's the way things are right now and yeah learn to adapt.

like what xun said on his blog.. deal with it.

oh my gosh i just realised that when two people are so similar, that their negative points shine in each other, they will end up hating each other forgetting that they're only hating themselves. played basketball today and well there's something called respect. and she does gain it so well. i dont know how she does it. however just as infuriating it is as the fact that you're so shitty at the sport that you resort to totally cheating, it tells us just as much about your level of security. bottomline: do fuck off. oh and jingyi really does rock!

parents found out about army daze today and well my mom wanted to ground me till the first of december. i think the problem is i've realised whatever rules my mom makes, i can easily break them simply because i can. and im really dissapointing myself and the people around me because firstly, i've grown an immunity towards everything including myself. and also i've gotten into this attitude where i simply dont care. especially since i can always cheat to get what i want. my old motivational tools don't work anymore. and the problem is with ME. what to do?

mann what a hell rotten week. one of the worst i've ever experienced. i've lost my passion and motivation, i'm doing crap in school, and i dont know what the hell im doing with my life. everything's been going badly, i dont know what god wants me to do. i mean people have been trying to cheer me up. but to make everything worse, my friends havent been very empathetic. instead, they've been really judgemental. right now, everything's fucked up and i dont know what to do. or i know what to do and i dont want to do it.

heh im feeling relatively better. mainly because i watched a movie which was good, and had lots of deep rest like that poem and basically had lots of fun. it's fun to hang out with people you dont know sometimes. because they really cant judge you. they dont pretend they know everything about you. my good friends should realise that they're not me and that however close we are, they still dont know me very well. i guess i cant really control that. on a seperate note, i've decided to listen to bella and josy. i shall really focus now.

i need a clearer goal, a clearer focus, a clearer plan and clearer instructions. yeah that's what i really need. clarity. i know im not a very good communicator. regardless, that's that. oh fuck i hate it when i feel like i cant control what i do. it's totally reactive behaviour. need to stop worrying about this shit and actually do something about it. time passes way too fast and since you cant do anything about it, it'd better to make it seem as long as possible by doing boring stuff all day. i think that's what i'll do. yeah.

sigh relationship trouble again. hopefully i can postpone all this till after eoys. from now till eoys i hope it's basically just studying twenty four seven. must focus and not concentrate on anything else. part of this focusing, i will limit myself to only an hour of computer a day (because i know abstinence is not possible), and i'll stop hundredwording or blogging till after eoys. haha finishing this month anyway. loads exciting! but i did it wrongly lah. shall try to abstain. must refrain! hmmm besides that, probably screwed this term's results. wont say much there. you'll see tomorrow.

i've got another test tomorrow and well. everything's pretty tight right now. as in in a bad way. cant stand insecurity really but that isnt the issue right now. need to focus really quite alot. glad i got that clear. now another temporary problem is convincing other people especially my parents that i've got my priorities straight. in the ideal world, i probably wouldnt have to convince anything to anyone. but i should think the more important thing is next year's subject combination. anyway shall leave to study now. wish me luck people! i miss hwachong, i really do. deal.

so much for not going to blog anymore. i reopened my other blog. i suppose i've really got to learn to have some self control. regardless, once again, im going to do nothing about that new piece of wisdom. did supremely badly this term so i shant talk about it. all we can do now is look towards a brighter future with hopefully much happier results. im surprised at how unsad i am actually. i suppose i've just realised what it really is anyway, just a piece of paper. regardless, i am going to work the hardest ever for eoys.

today was one fabulous day. you know days like today really make me feel goood. and mann my body is going to ache tomorrow! going to be so busy during the holidays to the point that it's not holiday-ish. yeah today is the LAST day i'll be hundredwording this month! not cuz im going to stop but because it's the last day of the month. hundredwording has been a TON of fun and im going to keep doing it. haha it's more enjoyable than blogging because it's just well different. thanks to everyone part of my life. time to mug..