one hundred words. how much damage can be done? how can there be poetry here? just the constraint of numbers. there are so many words racing through my head – but i cannot use them all, now, can i? merely a tiny fraction of what i am thinking can go into this entry. i have typed and typed and come up with nothing. one hundred words, how hard can that be? it may as well be a novel. or simply a punctuation mark. how can something be all at once as vast as the universe and as miniscule as an atom?

i have this really bad and annoying habit of sharing more than others want me to. or maybe they do not really care and i am just incredibly paranoid. yeah, that has to be it. still nothing of substance to say. and still typing it all. i wonder now why i signed on to do this. and why i can not let myself quit. too damn stubborn for that. practice deep breathing exercises. will the damn clock to move just a little bit faster. will my words to come in larger volume. time is standing still along with my mind.

day three. only twenty-four hours late. work was hectic yesterday. no excuse. cannot miss again. maybe i should set a reminder? or a task. computers are great for that. tori amos is my goddess, my husband drives me crazy, my cats who used to be so normal are now insane. my life rocks. i am unpopular. trying to stop dieting. trying to cycle enough miles indoor to have gone across the entire united states. how long will that take? increasing mileage each week. someday i will be able to cycle fifty miles in one day without even thinking about it.

ha, day four. the poster in my office (that i will soon be taking down – poster, not office) says "momentum - once you are moving in the direction of your goals… nothing can stop you." i beg to differ. a lot can stop you. think about it this way: "momentum – if you're moving in the direction of your goals and run into something moving the opposite direction of your goals the pain of impact will be that much greater." when did i become such the eternal optimist? must have happened during one of my two miscarriages. again, my life rocks.

far from over. carried away by the twists and turns of life. don't know where i'll end up. or who i'll end up. there just aren't words. especially not one hundred of them. it's not like a journal. maybe that's why it's so difficult. who am i out to impress? myself. my biggest critic. dead phones and boxes filled with very important nothing clutter my space. and now there's a man cluttering it as well. no listening to music today. but it's not his fault. it's never the fault of any *his.* or him. or her. blameless society. world. existence.

time just stood still. need to make friends in this vast city. i love looking out of my window every day now. i love taking a walk and seeing mountains. i love my silence, my space, my solitude. but there's got to be more. there's only so much silence and space and solitude that you can take before it becomes talking to yourself, desperately seeking something to cling to and loneliness. i'm not lonely. not yet, anyway. get out of my personal comfort zone. cara would be so proud. how long is it supposed to take to forget past loves?

fighting, arguing, nothing ever gets solved. well enough for me, anyway. you seem to be so content. you really make me quite sick. the birds don't seem to like the new bird feeder. but the cats don't care as long as there are birds to look at. dinner and a movie. peanut butter cups are heaven in a little orange package. rambling, rambling to make it go by faster. seventy, seventy-one, on and on, can't stop, gotta get it done. i went to buy some yarn and came home with nothing except heartache. all my children. watching. listening and waiting.

i'm currently listening to the beck song ‘loser' and remembering high school. everything was just so simple – if you got past the petty, teenage behavior. i was only halfway in existence by that point. high school… sucked. ‘best times of your life' – ha! i'm pleased to report that my life got increasingly better the further away from high school i got. this girl i know is being crazy. we're off the high school subject now, by the way. trying to be seductive because even though i consider myself straight, i am still attracted to girls. she craves love from everyone.

unfortunately i have absolutely nothing of worth to say this morning, but if i don't post in the morning i will forget to post at all and i haven't gone through eight days of this just to forget to post and blow it all. how's that for a run-on sentence? i want to spend my days knitting and making things – not stuck behind a computer crunching numbers. but that's what bookkeepers do, and someone has to do because these reps need to get paid. i woke up early this morning and ran. okay, i walked and ran, but still. beginnings.

miles away from nearly everyone i love. but i couldn't stay for them. i had to leave for me. i love it here. but i miss my family. i want to fly home for christmas, but my husband won't fly and i don't want to be apart from him on the holidays. i don't want to be apart from him ever. but eventually i'm going to have to because i have to see my grandma - she can't travel out here. my mother just left and i miss her. i haven't seen my father in two months. And and and…

random words spiraling out of control. i can't remember my dreams anymore. but they're about you. they always are. always. waking up and trying desperately to hold onto that brief moment when it's you beside me. breathing deeply, dreaming your own dreams that i'm probably not a part of. you could always exist separate from me. and that just drove me nuts. why should i be the one who gives up her everything? why could i never say no to you? and now… i have. and it doesn't feel the way i thought it would. you're all i think about.

stupid printer, anyway. you would think that with a new computer the damn thing would work, but no. it's misbehaving. badly. and taking a year to print my report. i'm thinking of joining a sorority. tres cool. and i get to go shopping tonight. again, tres cool. i much enjoy shopping. i would enjoy it more if i were independently wealthy and could afford carmen marc valvo and shopping at saks. such is life. i'm rambling because i have absolutely nothing exciting to say. deal with it. these are my words and i can do whatever i want with them.

i'm going to the denver art museum today. i finally talked my husband into going. it's the first cultural thing i've gotten him to do since we've been together. of course, we see independent films together, but mostly because he reads about them in entertainment weekly and then wants to see them if the ew gods give them a good review. he won't trust my opinion and that irks me sometimes - mostly i don't care. i'm in the process of finding folks to hang with and then he can stay home alone all the time if he wants to.

i didn't go to the museum. we took the bus to englewood station and got on the c-line to go downtown. we were supposed to take the d-line, but the it wasn't running until two in the afternoon because the line itself was being serviced – i think. we ended up getting off at union station and heading down the 16th street mall. we walked to the museum, but it was so busy that we just went to get our library cards and hung out downtown. library, barnes & noble, virgin megastore, mediaplay, pf chang's, and tattered cover. bloody fantastic day.

halfway there. i'm so tired today. and i feel like poo. but, here i am, working, because i'm taking next monday off. gino's family is coming to denver for a visit. his brother and sister-in-law will be staying at a hotel, but we're not certain about his mother and her boyfriend yet. i seriously hope they don't stay with us. i mean, i love them both dearly, but they've never really had cats and they would be sleeping in the kitty litter room. they can't close the door to that room because, well, the kitties' potty's in there. c'est dilemma.

just a few more days and gino's family will be here. and i get next monday off of work. lovely, lovely. i woke up early this morning so i could do my run before the day officially began. it's getting easier and easier to run, and my abs are getting firmer, too! last night on wrestling lita came back! i was so tickled, i got goose bumps and everything! and she came back to help my girl trish! it was so wonderful to see the two of them together. lita's dedication to getting back to wrestling form has inspired me.

while i was waiting for the 65 to take me to the southmoor pnr this morning, i saw something that made my heart break. a moth was struggling to cross monaco parkway. it had apparently gotten hit by a car. i had to look away. it got me thinking about life in general and how it's all well and good to say that life is what you make it, but that's just not always the case. that moth didn't want to die. it's not as if street and highway systems are instinctual in animals and insects. humans ruined their world.

i hate banks and insurance companies. my stupid michigan bank account wasn't closed as i requested a couple of months ago and now, thanks to my lovely insurance company for deducting a payment on september 8th for my michigan policy which was canceled in august so the payment never should have been deducted anyway, i'm overdrawn. with overdraft fees assessed daily. so, i get to send a nice fax telling my bank to close the damn account and letting them know that i'm trying to get the damn money back from the insurance company. it will all work out – riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

oy! gino's family is coming in today. and i'm excited, i really am. to have monday off that is! no, really, it's going to be nice to hang with people that i actually know and somewhat trust. i want to go sing karaoke. of course, i can't do that with the family, but i'm thinking next weekend i'll see if my very new friend kelly wants to meet up. and probably jen, adam, and josh will want to go, too! it will be super – i think. i wish gino would go, but i know he won't. that makes me sad.

Okay, so today was just a nightmare. We all went downtown. And it would've been so nice and easy to get on the train at Englewood station and get off at union station (at the lodo end of the 16th street mall.) but no. the family wanted to drive. And then they pitched a fit about having to walk. And then they pitched a fit about eating at Einstein's (which they ended up not doing, they ate at taco bell – yeah, you can't get that in Michigan, not!). the end of the day was great, though. More about that tomorrow.

last night we went to an iwf event. got to see "big dick traylor" in a "hat match." it was great fun. there were a few guys that actually had some pretty good moves. and kids were asking for the wrestler's autographs and heckling the wrestlers they didn't like. really, great. then, afterwards gino's boss took us to twin dragons for chinese food. we got the "poo poo platter." the cream cheese wontons were terrific. and so was the veggie fried rice. fattening, but oh well. today, i think we're going to estes park. home by five for wrestling. yay!

gino said "no mcdonalds" (non-vegetarian) and suggested le-peep. we went to the car and his mom says, "i guess i'll use the bathroom at mcdonalds." gino got upset, and didn't go to breakfast. then, gino's childish brother decided to take his toys and go home because he couldn't boss everyone around – well, not gino – everyone else seemed to do whatever he said. now the brother is leaving today instead of tomorrow because he's "so upset." but the real reason is he's going to vegas. and we're an excuse. but he would've gone anyway. according to mother-in-law, i'm the "bitch daughter-in-law."

why can't i be friends with girls? is it really my business what goes on between jen and josh? and if they can find happiness together isn't it all worth it? why do i feel the need to run off at the mouth simply because i have something to say? i really hope that i haven't blown things with jen. i really like the girl, and i want to be her friend. but i'm not a very good friend – i know this about myself. i just hope that she forgives me for being an idiot. well, i can only hope.

let me begin by saying that i love my husband more than life itself. now i must say that i wish that i could be seen as sexually desirable by other people. i wish that people would stare at me because i'm so beautiful. but that doesn't happen. gino thinks it does, but it really doesn't. and i wish it did. and i don't know why it bothers me so much. josh says that i'm intimidating because i'm pretty and you can tell that i'm smart just by looking at me… and i look very confident. that's something, i guess.

well, i don't have my own office anymore. the new guy has been placed in here with me. not that i really mind, but… i'm feeling snotty today, so i'm just being bitter and hateful about everything. that's okay, though… i'm going to sing karaoke tomorrow! happy days are here again! very exciting. but i don't know what i'm going to be singing. and i don't know how much i'll get to sing. and i'm dying to sing every single day of my life. i need to start taking piano lessons again. i can be the next tori amos… hm…

karaoke tonight! woohoo! i'm so excited and i just can't hide it. okay, enough of that. i really have absolutely nothing to say – this is becoming a common theme in my life. so sad. found out that the husband is looking at soft porn (stuff and maxim) and trying to hide it from me. that makes me feel great. i mean, if he wasn't all secretive about it, i wouldn't care. we watch lesbian porn together for sobbing out loud! he tells me that i'm beautiful just the way i am, and then goes and looks at those mags. hm...

so i went to sing karaoke last night and it was fantastic fun… although, i told gino that i would be home by midnight and didn't get home until after two… but that's okay. i lost three pounds overnight. i'm seriously considering changing my weigh-in day to saturday… just for this week! maybe, i don't know. if i changed my weigh-in to saturday i would be able to use lots of flexpoints on the weekends (when i usually need them). i don't know – i haven't completely decided yet. i know that the weight lost overnight is false, but… still encouraging!

i'm tired. and i really feel like just typing the same word over and over again. but i won't. i finally finished my nephew's sweater. i must say, it's very cute. and would probably sell in a store for thirty to fifty bucks. i have the hiccups. i don't want to go back to work tomorrow. i wish something interesting would ever happen to me. i love my husband and my cats. i want to be a professional singer. i feel like i'm never going to make it to one hundred words. but, then, i guess i just did. cool.

i hate this. i want to go home. i'm sick of being the ridiculous female of the office. i'm sick of not being as interesting (because i may or may not be as pretty) as anyone else here. i think i'm decently good looking. a little chubby, yes, but i'm working on that and does that really mean that i can't be sexy? apparently it does in today's society. i could go off forever about things such as this. media and pretty much everything else plays together to make sure that chubby women are seen as less than human. damn.

i actually feel better today. my headache, while not gone, has decided to be nice to me this morning and reduce itself to a dull thudding. and i think i can deal with that. this is the last day of the one hundred words batch for september. i actually made it! well, not yet, but i will! anyway… i will be auditioning for two or three bands. one of them has gigs lined up and they want a chick to just hop in. sounds like a pretty sweet setup to me. now if i could only stop being tired. right.