Sitting staring at your sleep sweat sheened body I can not fathom how I got so lucky. You found me when I was lost waited for me when I was unavailable silently railed against me when I hurt you so unintentionally; found the strength to forgive me when I hurt you carelessly. You look at me and see a beauty that no one else ever has, making me feel as beautiful as whatever you see. I watch with pride as you selflessly care for others and then come home to care for me, so undeserving of your attentions. my love.

perfection today was supposed to have been perfection everything I had planned everything I wanted for you I wanted you to remember today your first birthday with me as perfection as a day like no other as a day better spent with no one and yet everything I touched today turned to ash everything fell to pieces I wanted to prove that things would be better can be better prove that you had made the right decision by choosing us by choosing me by proving to you that our love was worth the risk you took in believing in me

cautious so cautious afraid every infraction every misstep will be one step further you take away from me afraid anything will cause me to lose you so fucking afraid of the tiniest thing causing me to lose you so afraid of doing something to lose you without knowing without realizing without having any idea waking one day to find you gone just gone no words no goodbye gone waking one day to find that my entire world has changed my entire life walked out the door with you waking one day to find that everything I love has left again

she believes me she believes me those words ring through my head she knows I love her she truly believes that after all that’s happened after all we’ve been through that was the only thing I wanted the only thing I needed I needed her to know I love her I needed her to know that she’s the part of my heart that makes me exist she believes me I can’t stop saying it she knows I love her again she knows she’s my heart she knows our hearts and loves are joined she knows she is my raison d'être

complete helplessness is my constant companion confusion and pain and stupidity I never know what to say what to do how to say the things you need to hear how to show you how much I love you and how sorry I am and how much I want to make it better never knowing what’s enough or what is too much or what I should do next fumbling bumbling me standing before you pleading for the guidance pleading for the direction pleading for you to tell me to show me to feel me to teach me how to love you

lost in memories of things you do not say any longer thoughts you do not have feelings you repress because of my mistakes because of my betrayal because of my weakness and cowardice lost in memories of all the things I killed all the things I will never hear again knowing it is all my fault knowing all I have lost and all I ache for is gone and the only one I can blame is myself can not point fingers can not cast stones I must bear this disgrace on my own and mourn for what I have lost

step carefully step lightly walking on eggshells afraid of each move each time I speak or movement I make will be the one that drives you away from me the one that sends you running away from my heart the thing I do or say that makes you love me just a little bit less to make you care a bit less enough to leave me enough to end it just enough to make you give up on me give up on us to make you give up on the fairy tale to make you never call me princess again

I smoke too much and watch too much TV I don’t go outside because it is hot or cold or there are bugs or what have you I have been sick a lot and not a hell of a lot of fun I sit and watch you suffer and I have no idea how to help you my world is not yours and I watch you valiantly trying to integrate to the dry heat the fetid stench of the city the constant noise of the cars the absence of anything you recognize as familiar and I begin to lose hope

I would go today if that is what would bring a smile to your face I would leave everything and everyone just to see one genuine smile light up your beautiful eyes I would live in the country and drive a half hour to get taco bell and have no taquitos and be perpetually sunburned from sitting by your lake just to see you smile and I would slosh through feet of snow as tall as I am in the winter I would ignore the accents and make friends with your huge family all just to see you smile again

she said it she said it in the midst of love and sleep and a satisfied grin from a surprise wake up she called me her princess again said I had never stopped said she believed in us and our memories and our magical movie scene dance said how much it meant to her I woke her with a smile this morning and hope she keeps it all day long the memory of her sleepy smile this morning will carry me through my sleepless day until I can rest beside her tonight content and happy just to be near her

If you could only know how much I want you need to be with you need you around you told me you needed constant reassurance and I love giving you that but at the same time it kills me to hear how much you doubt my love my interest my need I realize I caused some insecurity but this doesn’t seem to have anything to do with that this seems separate different an inherent fear in you that one day I will just stop loving you that one day I will lose interest and you will become non-essential to me

I am a different person with a different history and different reactions I am reserved and shy and do not put myself out there to be hurt I internalize my feelings and show my love in ways that are foreign to you I fold your laundry and sing to you and make sure you do not get too hot in your sleep and try to be pretty for you and that is my passion that is my fire that is my heart the day to day loving you the mystery of how you like your peanut butter and jelly sandwich

I’ll write our movie for you I’ll fumble my way through it fuck up a lot hate every tear I bring to your eye but I’ll give you what you need what you deserve I’ll give you your fairy tale I’ll do it because I need to because I love you and because I want to I thought we had all of that already but if you didn’t then I’m not doing enough and I’ll find a way to make you happy I’ll find a way to make you smile I’ll find a way to give you what you need

the pain as I shrivel inside myself growth invading my body taking away my babies taking away the babies I wanted to give you taking away the essence of my feminity aching pulsing pain inside me imaginary they say not so bad they tell me it’s just one ovary just one piece stop making such a big deal out of it, you have two you can live without one and so what if you can’t have babies, your girlfriend can, right? How is it all that important? Maiden – Mother – Crone, it seems I’ll miss a step. Then I will stumble.

sitting watching you work watching you fiddle away on the computer watching the glare of the screen play with shadows over your face wanting to touch, to trace the outline of my heart on your cheek coming home to the beauty of you curled up on the bed, damp from sleep slow indulgent sleepy smile on your gorgeous face as you see me why didn’t you call and wake me up you ask I did I said you slept through it and I got the gift of seeing you at peace seeing you calm and seeing beautiful seeing my sunshine

you take a photo a still frame of me a moment in time where I felt beautiful, perfect and actually liked myself you take that photo and manipulate it turning me into a dream of me a memory of what I used to be a sepia toned shadow of who I used to be the person you thought I was the person you imagined all those days across wires and cables and bits and bytes you put that picture up in honor of who you love and I have to wonder if you realize that I’m not that girl anymore

stress and strain and money and doctors and work and school and life all pulling and pushing on us and we hang on trying to keep each other in the process with no one else to vent to no one else to blame all our anger and fears flying at each other seconds later begging for forgiveness do not let life ruin us do not let every day mundane issues become the point and counterpoint to our relationships do not let my fumbling and bumbling and screwing up be the end of us don’t let drama end our fairy tale

flashes of light slice across the cavernous room across a sea of faces lost on the rhythm of the sounds floating out across the waves of heat cool air blasts from pipes clashing with the weight of the night the screams and cheers of thousands directed toward one man as he holds people in rapture with one light brush of fingers against strings with one quick two step of his feet with one low guttural utterance he elicits squeals and screams and sighs of ecstasy from people gathered together to celebrate sight and sound and music and love and life

decisions and bargains a smile or a bill a pair of pants or a few moments of carefree joy responsibilities or becoming a slave to those little pieces of paper that arrive daily in the mail demarcations of my life and my failures and my stress and all the things that take my smile away that smile you give me that smile that I have every morning when I wake up and realize you’re here with me when I come home from work and see you lying there in light sleep, damp from the heat and strain of the day

everything in me screams for you my heart wrenches at the thought of losing you and our life and our love it is and always will be the most important thing to me making you happy making us happy is my priority now I believe in us I believe in our love and your strength and everything perfect that brought us together I believe all those things will help us win will help us stay together will help us love each other the way we know we can our love is my strength and our life together is my poetry

my words have left me for so long I don’t know if I can find them again I have times where I lose myself, lose all confidence and faith in myself and feel like I have nothing of worth to say and I blather on and on in my hundred words about anything and nothing words falling onto the page in random order giving no indication of how I really feel because I’m not even sure how I really feel sometimes vague words like wounded and scared sprint to mind sounding trite and pathetic so I simply do not speak.

her derisive laughter when I speak tells me everything about how she feels about me tells me how she’s always felt about me aren’t mother’s bound by some cosmic requirement to care about their children? how can someone turn away from their own child and sneer, laugh at them and devalue everything about their life? once, just once I asked her to stand for me, to support me, no questions asked just be there for me be my mother no strings no hoops to jump through and she laughed. she looked me in the face and she laughed at me.

I wake to the aching heat in my womb, the burning strain in my head trying to clear my mind trying to wake up confused and blurry dreaming intersects with waking and she is there her patience strained angry and frustrated with me I hate waking every day with her angry with me I hate lying there staring at the walls trying to sleep searching for the level of relaxation that allows me to drift off into rest left me fall into a deep natural sleep that’s drug free, normal, natural that word resonates I just want to sleep naturally

your mood swings frighten and confuse me, leave me speechless utterly helpless to bring you back to me you turn away cold and angry, unable to turn to me because I’m the one you’re angry at I’m the one that causes you to hurt I’m the one that made the mistake that ruined the fairy tale I’m the one at fault and at the same time you tell me that I’m the one you want and need but it doesn’t help me know how to fix this, help this heal, make you lose that raw angry edge to your eyes

waking blur driving asleep not remembering left turns and donut stops waking slightly trying to pull myself out of the abyss of sleep dragging my sleep heavy limbs from a bed of molasses giving up not strong enough to do it can not make it out can’t make my body respond to my mind’s commands I wonder if this is what some drugs are like complete and utter loss of control over your own body lost in that space between sleep and waking where you’re not sure what is real and what is a product of your dream addled mind

there’s some wall some barrier of communication between us that I can not seem to figure out how to scale set communication has never been my strong point and sharing my feelings has brought nothing but pain so with you I try to show how I feel I try to show you every day how much you mean to me and I never seem to succeed I can never show you enough or prove to you enough how strong my need is for you how intense the love I have is I just can’t seem to make you understand me

the buzzer goes off and I grab a basket, folding your clothes as you sleep wishing you knew that’s one of my ways to show you wishing you knew I don’t resent it that taking care of you in the small ways I can is my silent tribute to you checking you as you sleep to make sure you aren’t too hot stroking your sweat soaked hair back just wishing you knew the ways I show you every day how much you mean to me wishing you could see just how much I care how much I do love you

one year ago today reality was rocked for all who knew him one year ago today shocked tears flowed freely one year ago today I got a phone call that jarred me out of a drug induced sleep to bring reality crashing down one year ago today that beautiful smile faded forever one year ago today statistics became a part of my life one year ago today my best friend lost a part of herself one year ago today a tortured life became tragic one year ago today all who fought for him lost one year ago today he left.

I want to take care of you make you feel better fix anything that makes you hurt and the entire time my head is pounding stabbing knives in my right eye greasy nausea rolling through my stomach pill after pill stop the pain please anything light hurts sound hurts the cat touching me hurts all I want is for it to go away the relentless pain to abate for just long enough to allow me to drift off knives in my head shards of glass in my eyeballs waves of nerve singing pain sing through my eyes into my body

perfectly balanced I hold it steady I balance that cup that’s filled to the brim careful so careful not to let a drop spill not to slosh or with each hit I take I learn to accept the blow I learn to anticipate to absorb the shock so nothing breaks so nothing drips or drops I wander around, bumping into things, bruising myself and building up the strength to carry it even longer heavy it gets to heavy and sometimes, just occasionally, I stumble. I stumble, jostle the careful balance and regardless of all my efforts, my cup runneth over

I always start this excited and ready to dig in, to see what words will pour out of me this month. By the end I am exhausted, tired of sharing my feelings, my thoughts, the words that jumble through my brain at any given point in time. The tiny birth of daily words and thoughts can claim all my energy. I am raw, wounded, vulnerable and scared that somehow recording my feelings will come back to haunt me that somehow my words might be used against me somehow my innermost thoughts and feelings will be weighed, measured and found lacking.