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12/01 Direct Link
I went to Latin Mass again today. It seems more personal and warm to me than the standard Mass. I think it's because while the priest is doing his little thing (back to the congregation, mumbling to himself inaudibly in a dead language), I sit quietly and pray, meditate, etc.
I adore the priest that says the Latin Mass. Primarily because he does not have a planned homily, but he gets up there and talks. It's from the Holy Spirit. He's also extremely funny. I like his Italian-old-man-with-an-accent wit.
I'm beginning to feel spiritual again.
12/02 Direct Link
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
Someone please help me.
12/03 Direct Link
unexpected release in one part of my life to be violently metamorphosing into lonely bitter agony for another
finals week is killing me i enjoy the hell out of crunching numbers for data sets and literature reviews and diagnosis of a patient with bipolar disorder, type I with most recent episode depressed and just making it one day to the next, stuck in a vortex of intellectualization
try it go ahead just a little and you won't be able to escape and you'll be addicted forever and ever looking for a high or maybe just for someone to hold you
12/04 Direct Link
I hate you. I've never met you and I hate you with a glorified passion. I wish that you would grow fat and old and ugly and no one would ever, ever consider you attractive. I hope that you bump your head getting off a bus and become instantly dumber. May you get sucked in by a satanic cult that makes you shave your head and be forced to wear ugly jumpsuits. I hope you become the loneliest person that ever lived and no one talks to you and you end up moving to Siberia and die drinking cheap vodka.
12/05 Direct Link
The first man that I ever kissed was an Italian cop that I met in Venice.
He was extraordinarily gorgeous, a gorgeous that you only see in movies and maybe museum paintings. Tall, black hair, brown eyes…stereotypically Italian, like myself.
I was 16 and beautiful. Slightly more beautiful than I am now.
We walked around the streets and canals of Venice. He spoke in Italian, I spoke in Spanish. We understood each other, somehow.
I had my second kiss about a month after the first.
He was this guy that I met on a set of swings. We still kiss.
12/06 Direct Link
One day we will be amazing friends- far into the future. Even if we're far apart, everything will be amazingly special because we will keep each other in our hearts and thoughts.
One day I will write you a post card from somewhere in this existence telling you of the beautiful people I have encountered. In return you will send me a long letter detailing you latest endeavors in changing the world.
One day, even though we've been equally bombarded with the pains of humanity crying for help, our souls will not perish.
One day we will be reunited.
12/07 Direct Link




Who am I?

I'm walking in front of a jewelry store in a simple black evening dress. I pull a pastry from my brown paper bag and take a bite from it as I admire this week's latest piece in the window. It's 6:00 and the city is still not awake yet.
I'm wondering about life and love and my meaningless existence. I'm waiting desperately for something in life that I can care for and call my own. Something. Someone. I don't want to be trapped by what I've done in the past.

I'm Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
12/08 Direct Link
I think that I've come to the realization that there are some things that make me very happy and some things that don't. You'd think this would be obvious, wouldn't you, but I think it takes a while to realize what makes us happy. You usually don't realize what makes you unhappy until the burden of that thing has been lifted. And you don't realize what makes you happy until you've lost it (always the more disappointing of the two). I've found a nice combination of things that make me truly happy, and I strive not to lose that balance.
12/09 Direct Link
Before I begin my inspirational words for the day, I must tell you that I should be studying for my Chemistry exam tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. It is currently 1:15 a.m. It will probably be later when I'm actually done writing. I should have been studying all weekend, but I went to Ken's birthday party instead. There was karaoke, so I didn't bring my chemistry book, as you can imagine.

Onto my 100 words.

I dreamt that I was cheating on Ken with this devoted but sweet guy at school, even though I liked a Ken a lot better.
12/10 Direct Link
I crept in the room quietly, my heeled shoes in my hand so that my footsteps would not make the betraying noise against the cold Italian tile of the bedroom. I managed to walk to the bed and place the shoes by the nightstand. I was still in my white cotton sundress; I slipped into bed as quietly and gently as possible, I did not want to wake him up.
My head hit the pillow and I felt a relief in my chest that I had not woken him up.
"Darling?" he whispered.
"Yes, love?" "I know what you're doing."
12/11 Direct Link
toss the feathers high into the air
with joy and laughter toss them high
dance to the wondrous beat
resolution provided by the night

toss the feathers high into the air laugh laugh and sing without care toss the feathers high into the air in the mystery we can share

spin with me love in our ecstasy
don’t let go in this carelessness
somberness fills the black feathers
toss them away toss them away

toss the feathers high into the air
laugh laugh and sing without care
toss the feathers high into the air
in the mystery we can share
12/12 Direct Link
I was uninspired today.
I traded inspiration in for a candy bar at a gas station.
I realized that I didn't want it, so I gave it to this man on the street corner that was asking for food.
He took it and in return gave me this old guitar pick he pulled from his pocket.
I gave the guitar pick to a friend that was learning a blues progression.
She played some music that made me dance.
Someone mistook me for a performer and dropped a quarter in my shoe.
I used it to call you.
You inspired me.
12/13 Direct Link
Beginning of my new story:

I am spending the summer before my last year of college in a small town in the north of Spain. It is high in the mountains and low in human population. It's the most serene and beautiful place I've ever spent a considerable amount of time.
My friends want to know why I would ever spend my last summer of freedom in a town where there were more livestock than people. They all asked me if I was going to Europe, why couldn't I at least go somewhere interesting like Vienna or Paris or Madrid?
12/14 Direct Link
My phone rang. I looked at my clock. It was three in the morning. For an instant, I couldn't remember if I had woken up before the phone rang or because the phone rang. You know how that goes.
"Hello?" I said into the mouthpiece, hoping it wasn't bad news. Bad news seems to come around three in the morning. In my experience.
There was no answer. How infuriating. "Well, fuck you too," I mumbled.
"Wait," said a familiar voice. "I have a 500 minute phone card. In those 500 minutes, we're going to figure out if we're getting married."
12/15 Direct Link
Ken and I were lying down together in his bed. He said, "You looked so beautiful today, when you walked into church I couldn't stop staring at you. I could look at you through all the songs, but I was singing them all for you." He kissed me lightly on my cheek and whispered into my ear, "They're all for you."
Ken said, "I don't know what I can do to make you happier. I've known you for a long time, I've seen you happier."
I'm very happy. I think it's because when I'm around him, I want to cry.
12/16 Direct Link
falling down pain pain pain I can scarcely breathe and I do not want to be your wieght and I need to be happy without your pleasure lost in a labyrinth of my thoughts and I want nothing more that your happiness and my freedom uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired uninspired
12/17 Direct Link
Grant called me last night and woke me up. I thought it was Ken but dissapointing, it was the other deeply masculine voice I am familiar with. I asked Grant if he thought that I seemed unhappy. Grant knows me pretty well, so I figured he'd know. But he said I seem normal. Maybe Ken's unfortunate that he catches the tailend of my family conflict.
Maybe it's because I feel so uninspired. I just need to talk to Ken about all the things I forget to bring up when I'm melting in his arms. I always seem to forget everything.
12/18 Direct Link
My writer's block is ridiculous. My writing this month is ridiculous. My apologies to anyone who may have read it.
My writer's block is ridiculous. My writing this month is ridiculous. My apologies to anyone who may have read it.
My writer's block is ridiculous. My writing this month is ridiculous. My apologies to anyone who may have read it.
My writer's block is ridiculous. My writing this month is ridiculous. My apologies to anyone who may have read it.
My writer's block is ridiculous. My writing this month is ridiculous. My apologies to anyone who may have read it.
12/19 Direct Link
I really like being alone. It makes me very happy. But I also can't stand being alone. I find people to be very interesting. I wish I could meet more people. I might try next month. Thirty six words so far. Ha ha, now it's fourty one. And now I've totaled up fourty seven. Words words words, I only need one hundred but they are so slow today. Now I possess sixy eight. There are so many words in my brain but none worth typing out. I have eighty five words now. I really like the word rendezvous. 100 now.
12/20 Direct Link
i once dated this guy who was in the mafia. you know, ‘la cosa nostra'. he used to call me "principessa", which means princess in Italian. he was very good looking and sweet, but sometimes he had a hell of a temper. i guess that's what made him so sexy. he used to call me up in the middle of the night to tell me how beautiful i was. i loved his large powerful body wrapped around mine and his rough face brushing along my skin. i would give anything to touch him again. he was killed one year ago.
12/21 Direct Link
I was in bookstore and saw this handsome guy in the science section. Black hair, tall, muscular. I picked up a book on String Theory.
"Twenty nine dollars for a book?" I said, mostly to myself.
He looked over at me. "I know, it's rediculous, isn't it?" "You'd think with the invention of the printing press in the 19th century books would be cheaper," I said.
He smiled the most gorgous smile. "It's also interesting how books and coffee, the things with the highest mark-up, are available in the same place."
"True."
"I'd love to buy you a drink."
12/22 Direct Link
uno
duo
tres
quattor
quinque
sex
septum
octem
novum
decum
undecum
duodecum
tresdecum
and that's about all the latin numbers I remember
semper ubi sub ubi means always wear under wear
but I'm pretty sure there was no underwear in ancient rome
I really like Latin, I think we should speak it everywhere
pulchra puer means pretty girl
but that isn't as pretty as bella feminina, which is Italian
I like Italian men, they are very sexy.
the Italian language is so sexy, but mostly I just want to be able to say "you turn me on" in every language
12/23 Direct Link
George always keeps ten dollars in singles in his front pocket the month of December. For every Salvation Army bell ringer, for all the different charity organizations he passes on his way to work or the store.
He was walking with his coworker, Paul, one December morning and had given away 5 of his singles. 3 of them to homeless people.
"You can't give money to anyone who asks, George."
"Who the hell am I to decide who needs the dollar more? I could be one of them. You could be one of them."
Goerge handed Paul a dollar bill.
12/24 Direct Link
I like Christmas eve. We go to Midnight Mass and listen to the awful choir.
I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write.I have nothing to write.I have nothing to write.I have nothing to write.I have nothing to write.I have nothing to write.
12/25 Direct Link
It's Christmas. I really apologize, but once again, I don't have much to write. Decemer's bad for me, my entries suck, and I'm depressed. Ken called me one night right after I was crying and I guess I was so stuffed up he asked me if I was catching a cold. SO it goes. Merry Christmas.
Feliz Navidad.
Joyeux Noel.
Feliz nattalle.
Maybe I butchered all of these. Sorry.
In Latin, Jingle Bells is "Tinnitus" which is also ringing of the ears.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry
12/26 Direct Link
Today was Kenny's birthday. I went to his house. We watched Happy Campers. He got me Wonder Boys and a gorgeous bouquet for Christmas. He pleasured me indefinately in his bed while I moaned in exctasy and we accidently tore his "High Fidelity" poster off his wall.
I really can't get enough of him. I like the way he smells. He smells like hair styling products. Incidently, my mother uses the same mousse, so sometimes I walk over to her room and squirt some out and I smell it.
I like the broadness of his chest and shoulders. He's sexy.
12/27 Direct Link
s st sti stil still
I
h ha hav have
w wr wri writ write writer writer' writer's
b bl blo bloc block
i it it' it's
a aw awf awfu awful
a an and
c ca cau caus caus cause causes
m me
t to
d do
s st stu stup stupi stupid
t th thi thin thing things
l li lik like
t th thi this
f fo for
v ve ver verb verba verbal
e en ent ente enter entert enterta entertai entertain entertainm entertainme entertainmen entertainment
writer's block causes me to do stupid things for entertainment
12/28 Direct Link
Anna sent me a present- origami paper and some pretty paper.
I miss Anna a lot. I wonder how I'm going to get through January without her.
Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna.Anna. Anna. I miss you!
12/29 Direct Link
The story I'm writing is in present tense. I've never done that before. It's kind of interesting. I have 5000 words or so. It's about a girl who goes to the mountains of Spain and is planning on killing herself at the end of her summer vacation. But she falls in love with this wonderful man who also happens to be married. I need some more tension. Does anyone have experience writing anything set in a different country where everyone speaks the native tongue? Please email me if you can offer any advice on the subject. I like this story.
12/30 Direct Link
Reasons Grant and I cannot get married:

He would call out my last name in bed.
He doesn't want children.
I don't like milk.
He doesn't like religion.
We would eat too much ice cream or cheesecake or ice cream cheesecake together and get rediculously fat.
He has bad taste in women and would undeniably eventually have an affair. We already act like we're married.
We're so bitter about the world, together we would end up in a downward sprial of bitterness.
Isn't it funny how you can joke about marrying with your best friend but not with your boyfriend?
12/31 Direct Link
Well, the year is over. I have to say it was my most drama packed ever. It's interesting, what mothers say. Once upon a time, I asked my mother if it wouldn't be great if life were as dramatic as the soap operas. My mother said that life is interesting enough. Life has enough drama without the things that go on in soap operas. I was reunited with my perpetual crush and I lost some friends. But really, they weren't my friends to begin with. I think that true friends are forever and they'll love you forever. Bye Bye 2002.