I’m grateful to be free from the pressure of new years resolutions. I made my bed for the years to come several months ago. I gave notice on my apartment weeks ago. I’m smack in the middle of change. I’m headed further into limbo, focused on embracing it. I am learning to be as vague as the government officials I’m waiting to hear from. The outline of my future feels concrete, the details fuzzy. I just need to implement the plans I’ve already laid out and keep moving forward enjoying each day. It’s a resolution, but not a new one.

Wanting to change the final chapter, or at least draw new conclusions for us, I considered writing another month as db. Yesterday’s words were worthwhile but daily contemplations on the subject are not something I want or need to sustain. So, in a nutshell, my thoughts… You’ve influenced me in an unexpected way - opening me to my dreams, encouraging my artistic vision, sharpening my tongue, and fostering my manic energy. Best of all, noticing how much energy I’ve spent obsessing over the intangible made me realize how bored I was with my life. Your encouragements were powerfully timed. Thanks.

Mom and I went to see The Hours at the Groove before driving down to San Diego. Her friends were expecting us earlier in the afternoon and were sitting at home without a car. I hate that kind of miscommunication but in this case it's her friend, her problem. She doesn't seem too upset about it.
Mom mentioned the mismatched earrings and disbelief that a 50's wife could be too depressed to bake a cake. I thought of her during the movie at those points.
We all have changes ahead. Imagine a life without major change ahead, wanting the expected.

I drove mom and Linda to the San Diego airport early this morning. Then Bailey and I went to get bagels and coffee before she showered and got ready for our photo shoot. We started by the pool in their complex. I tested different films. Took 2 rolls of color and 2 B&W. We moved locations too much but had good fun. It was late afternoon before I hit the road home but I didn't run into much traffic. I got home to a message that mom had arrived safely in Cleveland. Sue called to say she'd broken her tailbone.

I didn't feel bad succumbing to my addictive impulses and venturing out at 2am to buy smokes because I was curious about the winds that had started colliding with my walls. The Santa Ana winds, the air was especially fresh, the clear sky full of small stars, only one tree slain in the road but dozens of abandoned papers floating through the empty streets. I saw a storefront with an "Open" sign in the darkened window – I hate such blatantly false advertising. Too bad the Santa Anna winds couldn't blow the OPEN sign right out of the window. Good night.

I have a dwindling stash of cash, only a small trickle of income and I’m very conscious of every dollar I’m spending. During the 6 minutes I was in the photo lab picking up contact sheets I got a $65 parking ticket. I put my nickel in the meter I protested. But it was 5 minutes after 4pm and my parking spot had become a tow away zone. That’s my second parking ticket already this year! I’m obviously doing things wrong, small things are working against me. I vow to overcome them and shine brighter than a new penny anyway.

I've fallen into the temptation of New years resolutions. The diet cycle and resistance and temptation. It feels like I've been beating myself up for the last 24 hours. But I want this to work and I want to get rid of pounds ASAP.
I just thought of another place I want to go driving cross country but forgot it, Dianna's mom's house in AZ. Packing & House sale. Maybe I need to have 2 sales. We're having an open house this weekend. I hope Mike finds someone good to rent this place.
I have to go to ArtShare soon.

Oh I need a plan. I'll go completely crazy if I don't start choosing my options. The next 6 week Literacy class at Art Share will be much better and it'd be fun to teach with Yolanda. Tempting. But I'm tired of lingering in town. My old friends have disappeared already and I need to hit the road. But I now have an interesting job and several cool new friends and my life continues as if it won't be interrupted. Where? When? I have empty months ahead and too many places to spend them. Where am I going? Besides crazy?

I finally got Liz on the phone. I say "Happy New Year!" She says, "haven't we talked yet this year?" We haven't. Her initial response lingers in my head. Needing each other for such different reasons – that is all there is. We can't actually connect, help or understand. The desire and effort is enough sometimes. We're so far from each other; the distance expands as our lives take such different turns. People wonder how I can imagine living with the distance of Peace Corps when what's suffocating me is the invisible distance between loved ones that already haunts my life.

Sarah is coming cross-country with me! She e-mailed that she's been planning on coming with me but she thought I was going to set out in march. I shoot her excited e-mails and called Paris. Yes I want you to come. How soon can you get here? I'll wait for you. How much time can you take? Where do you want to go? Here's a few places I had in mind. How can we avoid the snow? Will it be warm enough to camp? Are you interested in camping? It'll be great to spend time together. My master plan unfolds.

Mike and I played scrabble today while waiting for people to come to the open house. It was fun hanging out with him and reviewing the applicants after they'd left. I've been touched at how sad and slightly sentimental he was when I gave notice that I'm moving out. It ends up he's just a month younger than I am. I really shouldn't be paying his mortgage. But he's been the best landlord I've ever had. We ignore each other for months but then throw parties together. He gets repairs done when they're needed and is just a great guy.

We've decided that we'll drive all the way to NYC taking the Southern route across then up the coast to visit Noah in Richmond before ending up in NYC. Peter is a little upset that I'm taking his wife away from him for a month. He figured it takes only 5-10 days to drive the country… I got some guidebooks from the library and we've agreed that Sarah will draw and I'll write daily. I've ordered some Trip Tics from AAA. We have several mandatory stops in mind. It doesn't look like we'll have much time for any one place.

Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Review the past brace yourself for the future

Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Review the past brace yourself for the future

Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Review the past brace yourself for the future

Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Review the past brace yourself for the future

Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Road trip, packing, house sale, planning
Review the past brace yourself for the future

"I want to eat and write, learn and teach, grow and get slim, work and play, work and sleep, write and read, talk and write, listen and talk, socialize and rest, eat and get slim, write and grow, sleep and rest and achieve and accomplish, grow and learn and succeed all at the same fucken time. Give it to me, the power from deep within. I know it's there."
I found that paragraph in a journal from 1993 and I think it could easily be the theme of my life.
I'm taking some time packing up, peeking into the past.

I logged on this morning and got a huge rush by finding an e-mail alert that my application status to the Peace Corps had changed. Yup, an invitation including an actual assignment and departure date is in the mail. Then I checked the 100 words site and saw that Jeff has posted Jewels' entries for the past year. Karma. I've looked for those entries before and I figured Jewels had stopped writing. I assumed I may stop when I finally ship out.< BR> It didn't take me long to realize that I still don't know where I'm going or when exactly.

This site rocks. Adding names of country of residence was a great idea. It's cool how far reaching this little web of words has become – through generations, continents, genders, occupations. Personally I'm amazed at the time that's past, I've written months spanning pieces of three calendar years. Every once in awhile I become aware that I'm writing this January over words written last January. After taking December off I'm writing longhand each night but when I log on and actually post on the proper day I remember the thrill of the obsession of these words. Now they've just become habit.

SALE!!!! I’ve spent the whole day making most of my apartment into a thrift store. Washing the old towels, toaster oven, glasses, bridesmaid dresses and pricing them with little stickers. Come see what $1 can buy you! Any of the dozens of books I’m willing to part with, 3 candleholders, a frying pan with lid, a couple gallons of Windex. My day consumed with bargain prices for my consumables. And then my friends come to take me out and they wander through the store feeling like grave robbers wanting my stuff. I’m counting $$ but they’re saddened by my departure.

Theater of Note open-mic marathon…
OK Terry disrobed on stage. He strapped an electric guitar around his shoulders and sang stuff. I should've called out "Hey pussy" since he'd said earlier that guitar straps are for pussies – but my jaw was on the floor, my eyes were transfixed, the strap was shorter than he thought, his song rambled and many ladies in the room did not move.
After the fire eating belly dancer with pasties tribute to Ballywood followed the piece about a girl turned on by guns, I wanted to ask – Is there a loaded gun in the house?

Damn good photo shoot today. The hair color, stylist, makeup artist, models moods and outfits, reflector boy and shadows all at work coming down to my final focus and orchestration. I hope I got what I saw.
I'm pumped from recent events but there's a lot hanging in the balance.
Rebounded from dog tired to a balanced mind with enough body energy to cap off the evening. I simmered with Michelle and Terry at Johnny's long enough to bubble over, letting the cluttered brainwaves foam up, gain recognition and then be skimmed off the top. The wiring beneath is working.

I intentionally didn't set an alarm or find the clock in the room. So I got up at 6:30 am crampy with my swollen, allergic face. I took a bath, walked Aliko, checked e-mail and returned the reflector I'd rented from Sammy's camera. By 9:30 I was at Dianna & Popo's place. (Samba announced he was a butler and when asked what a butler is he said they have big butts.) Eventually I came back to Beth's place and took a nap. Then carol came over to hangout. Now I'm going back to bed. I still feel exhausted and allergic.

Aliko really does torment Kitty and Alex with his tail wagging curiosity. They want nothing to do with him. I'm enjoying his company while I house sit for Beth.
I need to work the phones and make a deal with a moving company. I got another estimate today but no clear recommendation.
I got the contact sheets back from Sunday's shoot for my hairstylist. At first all I saw was where the shadows fell too deep or the sun reflected too bright – but I got several really fabulous shots. I have my fingers crossed that Kathy will be pleased.
Cheers

I’m 1/3 packed and half sold. I mean I’ve sold half the stuff I want to sell and done not even 1/3 of my packing. Recently I’ve heard three people say in completely different ways that there’re upset about loosing me, that they’ll miss me when I leave town. Pump up the intensity. Life is always richer when it’s near the edge of ending. I’m appreciating the people here and now, they’re saddened on the loss of a sustained relationship. But the friendships I have here will be easier to maintain then the ones I’m bound to make in Africa.

I showed Kathy the contact sheets from Sunday’s shot. At first, I thought I’d failed. On closer inspection, I did a fantastic job. There’re some fantastic shots.
I hired a mover today. I’ve spent too much time online playing Diamond Drop instead of packing boxes. At least I’m making some progress with my laundry. I’ve wanted a nap since I got up hungry, hangover with a sinus headache. The coffee I compulsively consume hasn’t done the trick. How can I balance a life in full swing with packing to leave? I don’t have the energy for the intensity I’ve created.

Mauritania. 6/28/03 – 9/16/05. Mauritania. 100% Islamic country covered in sand. Desolate, a hardship post. Rumored to have the highest level of early termination. Who else would they send besides an older woman who’s been around the world? My friends gathered at dinner and rallied, “sure you could make it, but why not refuse? Wait for the party post in Cameroon. You smoke, drink and challenge authority – this isn’t you.” But as they tried to lecture it was apparent that my adaptability and will to rise to a challenge is a more important part of me than the back talking smoker.

“Pants on women are appropriate but should be worn with shirts that hang to the mid-thigh.”

“Most volunteers experience varying degrees of unwanted attention and harassment.

“Incidents of physical and sexual assault do occur, although many volunteers complete two years of service without personal security incidents.”

“You will learn appropriate strategies for coping with unwanted attention and about your individual responsibility for promoting safety.”

“Volunteers have been targets of sexual assault.”

“Volunteers receive far more negative attention in highly populated centers, where they’re anonymous.”

“You can reduce your risk of becoming a target by avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable.”

I’m more relaxed today. I’ve worn myself out with research, tormented myself with my imagination. But what’s relaxed me is that I know that I’ll be ok with myself if I say “no thanks” and likewise I’ll roll with the punches if I say “yes”. I have grounds to decline the assignment and I understand that whatever assignment replaces it will also be hard. I have a choice. I need to find my gut and follow it. I’ll call tomorrow and ask my questions. Maybe something will sway me. At the moment I’m leaning toward taking my chances on declining.

Should I move to Mauritania? I asked loved ones for their 2 cents. It ends up…
- my brother-in-law worked in Nouakchott. He recommends staying away.
- my step-brother has been to 2 neighboring countries on business in the past year. Mauritania seems especially dangerous.
- my best friend’s husband is dieing to vacation there.
- a Senegalese friend warns of racial tension.
- an rpcv agrees it’s an exceptionally hard post.
- a cousin says mild assaults experienced while traveling the Arab world have stayed with her.
- my sister, aunt and mom ask
“Please pass this one up.”

There’s plenty of other things to do but I’ve officially cleared my schedule so that I have a wide open chunk of time to pack. But packing is too retrospective and confining, 285 cf, 2000 lbs. I’ve sent ages whittling away my possessions, guarding the memorabilia, setting aside the practicality, contemplating the consumables. But now I dance around, the beers stupefy and immobilize. I’m so concentrated on the bottom of the ocean (life in Mauritania) it’s hard to think about the earth beneath my feet that I’m abandoning (the life I’ve established in LA) as I dive into the future.

My night of packing was distracted by a conversation with my sister. Before hanging up she gave me an e-mail address from a friend from elementary school who she's run into recently. So I sent an e-mail to Valerie feeling very self- conscious. What do my words and phrases say about the women I've become? I don't remember the type of girl I was back then – has it been 18 years? Where should I start? How did we loose contact?
It seeps back – we had a code "Virginia and her friends" for the Virginia Slims I'd steal from my mom.

I'm down to the wire. I know I have enough time but I have to move it. There're things everywhere, some little, some big. By the time I go to bed this place will look sparse. I have to get everything that remains into boxes. I'm tempted to put this computer into a box now but I need it as long has I can have it. I've set aside quite a few things for my road trip. I'll be living out of my car for 6 weeks. I hope that I don't end up with a car full of crap.

The movers came on time as I was closing my last box. It took 2 of them about an hour to wrap my furniture and load all my boxes onto the truck. I put another coat of white paint on my bedroom walls. It really evened it out & looks great. The cleaner came and washed the walls, refrigerator, bathroom and floors as I packed everything remaining into my car. After she left I rearranged some of my things and lingered in my empty apartment. My life is speeding by too fast for my habitual level of sentimentality to surface.