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I went to the date auction yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to win Diana. I chickened out.
As for Jenny, she is fast becoming the person I most trust these days. I don't know if that's safe. And even a good idea. But I so want her to be the one. I'm worried that I may be blinding myself. But what am I supposed to do when she means so much to me?
Jenny's very curious about Diana. I think she might be getting a little jealous. She doesn't realize that she's the only girl that I've ever really wanted.
Good thing I wrote in my journal yesterday. I almost completely forgot about doing the 100 words.com thing. But since I wrote in the journal yesterday, I'll have something to work with and something to post.
Jenny and I are talking a LOT these days. I feel almost guilty for single-handedly destroying the friendship we could have had and refusing to communicate with her at all.
Whose fault was it really? Is it my fault for refusing to talk to her and never answering her back? Or is it her fault for cheating on me? I really just don't know.
I'm pretty fucking drunk. I'm going to try to not let Jenny get to me anymore. What the hell am I supposed to do? Should I shave my head? I am going to shave my head tonight.
I miss Jenny so much. But I don't think I'm ever going to talk to her again. I loved her. And that's why it hurts so much. How can she think that I wouldn't care if she was dating someone else? How can she think that I wouldn't fucking care? I loved her. It doesn't matter!
What the hell do I do?
I woke up this morning with a bald head, a massive hangover, the runs, a ruined shirt, and horizontal red lines up and down my arms. I cut myself up pretty bad this time. I thought the prozac was supposed to stop all of this shit. Does Prozac work? Will it work for me?
Fluoxetine, 20MG CAP; TAKE 1 CAPSULE DAILY.
I'm so embarrassed that I'm this fucking codependent. When she tells me that she cares about me and that I know her the best, she really means that I'm convenient for her to have around for whatever selfish motives.
I'm skipping classes left and right. I haven't been doing any homework assignments. I am on the verge of failing out of college during my senior year, and I have lost all motivation to even attempt trying to keep going. I am so tired. I am sick of everything. I wish I could be somebody else. Somebody confident, smart, good-looking, funny, tall, muscular, complete with a devastating smile. I wish I were somebody, anybody. Just not who I am. What have I done with my life? How have I squandered such great opportunities? Why can I not change? Help me.
I spoke honestly and truthfully about everything with her tonight. I don't think she knows what she wants. I cannot wait around for her to decide. I have to stop liking her. I don't know what she feels. I don't know what she wants. She gives me words of comfort. She gives me words of hope. She says that she's never been floored by anyone, as I've done to her. But am I supposed to believe any of it? She is going to stay with him. She's been with him two years. Ever since she cheated on me. With him.
Last night was fun. Those are the kinds of nights that make you realize that life doesn't have to be such a pain in the ass. Went to see Thrice at the Canopy Club here in Champaign. Yeah, I go to a shitty public university. University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign. I hate this school so much. It doesn't really matter all that much though since it looks as if I may fail out any day now. I have no clue what's going on in my life now. I'm so fucking stressed out. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Who do I trust? Who can I believe in? Who can I be sure of? Who is really looking out for my best interests? People say they care about me. Am I supposed to believe them? Do I have to believe them? Do I want to believe them? Why don't I believe them? Why am I so negative? Why can I not be happy?
Right now, Jenny's talking to my roommate. I know Jin's looking out for me. I know he wouldn't say anything bad about me. But what good is going to come out of it? I still wonder.
I have to stop liking her. I don't have a choice anymore. It's what has to be. But how do you all of a sudden stop liking somebody that you have liked for the last four years? Is it possible? I think so. I thought so. It has to be. Otherwise I will go crazy.
She doesn't like me. Or at least I don't think so. She says she's confused and that she doesn't know what she wants. To me, her decision is obvious. She already made it. She just may not know it yet. She knows what she wants.
This was my away message yesterday:
"When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another."
-- Helen Keller
"The emptiness that comes from failure after trying your best is far more gratifying than accepting success through failure due to lack of aspirations."
"The pain that you feel out of love for another human being is pure. Perhaps the only pure thing left in the world."
i'll get through it. i always do. it is the best for everyone involved. and i'll eventually believe it myself.
Today I turned 22 years old. No one wished me happy birthday until 9:30pm when my family called me. All of my friends know what today is, and they know not to mention it. I hate birthdays. It reminds me of how badly I want to leave a world that I never asked to be born into.
There is only one thing in the world that I would ask for. If I ask for it on my birthday, will it come true? Is it asking for too much? I don't know, let's see: my only wish is to be happy.
I drink a lot. Much more than I should. Especially since I'm on doctor's orders not to drink anymore. I always hate this time of year. My birthday, the start of uncertainty, not knowing if you'll keep in touch with people. I hate the phrase "keep in touch." It sounds so cheeky. "Hey, keep in touch, ok?" Does anybody really mean it anymore? Or is it just something that people say to feel better? To make someone feel worthy enough to make it sound like you'll be thinking of them. I prefer the truth. "I'll probably never see you again."
I've got a final tomorrow. I need at least a B+ in that class. Otherwise I'm fairly certain that I will be kicked out of school. I haven't found a place to live in the summer yet. I start work on Monday. I'm so screwed. I'm really stressed right now.
The headaches are almost entirely gone. I don't feel them unless I really think about it. But then I think I'm merely causing the headaches by making myself think about how I should be feeling them. I'm pretty good at overthinking things. Lori says I'm the king of self-fulfilling prophecies.
I don't get to see Lori anymore. I don't think that's fair. It didn't hit me until much later what was going on. I should've figured it out earlier. I don't know why I didn't. I'm really sad. She was really nice and caring. She said "I'll be thinking about you" and things like "I'm proud of you," "The mother in me would feel a lot better if you did…." She kept saying bye; I didn't understand until too late. I didn't get a chance to thank her.
It's not fair. I open up to someone; it gets ripped away.
The LA Lakers lost tonight. You have no idea how relieved I am. It's not healthy to loathe and hate one team this much. I can't even explain it. I just absolutely despise the Lakers. Maybe not even the Lakers. I can't stand Kobe and Shaq. And Phil Jackson too. I don't think he's done anything besides managed to have excellent timing and fortune. It must be hard to coach the best players the league has to offer at a given time. Blah. I still laugh how people worried about me when the Lakers kept winning the last few years.
I went to Wisconsin yesterday looking for a place to live. Visited a few places. Not many were willing to only offer a three month lease. I was considering to just rent out a room from a family. Only thing is that I wouldn't feel comfortable intruding upon a family's life. Especially given how fucked up I am. I can only imagine how it'd be having a skinny little Asian kid lying down sprawled over the toilet at four am, puking the contents of the last week out into the bowl. I don't think I should live with other people.
Well, today I set off to begin my new life. Not really, but given how melodramatic I am, it might as well be. I start my summer internship tomorrow. Only I have no place to return once this internship is over. I don't think I'll have a school anymore. I won't have a family or home anymore. I won't be welcome anywhere that I previously knew. And I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing. How did I go from dean's list to drop out? How does this happen? How did it happen? And what do I do from here?
I'm in Wisconsin right now. I pretty much had an entire pitcher of miller lite all by myself. I start work tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous. Pretty scared. I hate these feelings. I'm in a hotel right now. Sunday night. The lease to the apartment that I'm supposed to be staying at isn't ready yet.
I don't know what this summer's going to hold for me. Will it be like Seattle? Will it be like Champaign? I hate the unknown. I don't like change. I'm so scared.
I love Jenny. She knows how I feel. She knows what she wants.
Today was my first day of work. It was pretty tiring.
I've got a project to work on already today. My first fucking day. Project ATLANTIC. I've got to finish by July7. If I finish a lot of it by then, I'll be going to Paris, Texas for the start-up. I've got to do a lot of things that I don't know. I don't even know where to begin. I'm so over my head. The word I use is "overwhelmed."
I got my apartment today.
It's 1:54am, technically Tuesday. I always label days according to when I go to sleep.
Jenny called last night. Talked for a good amount of time. She was drunk. She said she broke up with him. She said that she still liked/likes me. And she even said love. I don't know what the hell to think. I promised her that I'll call her Saturday. I promised that I would drive down and meet up with her then.
She has a cell phone now. Ann Arbor's area code.
God, I love her so much.
She means so much to me. That scares me. And it shouldn't. I don't know why.
She wants me to hate her.
From my journal:
Reasons why Peter talks to Jenny (because she thinks otherwise):
1). she's one of the greatest people I know
2). she's not afraid of admitting she may not be perfect
3). one of the few people i am willing to open up to
4). she makes me feel better
4b). she fills something missing inside of me
5). she's perfect just the way she is
7). she's jenny (only i understand this)
8). all the other reasons that i ran out of space on this page to write
9 to infinity) b/c i love her
I'm going to head out to the Superbowl to meet up with all the co-ops. Cosmic bowling. Nothing sets off the obvious ‘college student' alarm more than a group of kids going to go bowl under fluorescent lights on 25 cent beer night. Karen starts next week. The only person I really know around here is Elaine. And that's not saying much since I don't know her all that well anyway. We're just acquaintances, would be the best way to put it. They've got me doing too much work already. I'm so tired. And I'm scared to fuck up. Shit.
Yesterday was pretty horrible. I can't remember how many times I puked. I can barely remember anything that happened. First, I know we went bowling. I must've had ten or eleven beers there. One game, I kicked everyone's ass bum-drunk. It all went downhill from there. We went to this one club afterward, two more beers. Me and this other guy from Buffalo Grove left an hour into it and went to his apartment. One more beer and some marijuana to boot. First time I had pot in four years. I had a reaction. I barely made it home alive.
Right before I left work yesterday, I checked my email. I got a letter from Professor Brunet informing me that I got kicked out of school. I don't know how to feel. I don't know why I'm not feeling anything right now. I wish I felt something. At least then I'd know my emotions were working. But I feel nothing. And that's a scary place to be.
I don't know what's going to happen to me anymore. I don't know what's going to happen in my life. I don't know if I'll be let back in school. The unknown's frightening.
We ended up talking inside the car in her driveway for a couple hours, maybe more. We talked a lot. I don't know where things are going to lead between us. It might go nowhere. It might work out for the best. All I know is that I truly do love her, and I'll be content and satisfied as long as I know she's truly happy, regardless of where I stand in those circumstances. And maybe that's what true love is all about. Sacrificing your own wishes for the sake of another's happiness. I just want her to be happy.
I came in really drunk from the party last night. Jenny drove me back. I don't remember a lot of what happened. I think I was a drunk asshole like usual. I'm scared to find out.
I passed out on the sofa. It was an out-of-body type experience. I could hear my mom and sister talking to me, but my body was completely lifeless. They saw the scars on my arms. I don't think I moved a muscle.
In the afternoon, I told my mom that I was seeing a therapist and taking medication. We both broke down and cried.
I don't understand why I'm not feeling anything still. Why don't I feel mad? I don't think I should be feeling happy. Why don't I feel pissed? This is the kind of situation I was created for. To be completely pissed off at myself for allowing myself to be stupid enough to get kicked out of school. What kind of fucking moron gets kicked out of college during his senior year? With a >3.0 GPA? I fucking suck.
Maybe I am pissed. I just don't feel it. Or know it.
The only thing I'm feeling is scared. Is it real?
Work is starting to become more bearable. I'm making real good progress on the project. I still don't hang out with the rest of the interns. Maybe that'll change this week, I don't know. Most of them are the types of people that piss me off. Of course, a lot of them are cool. I've met a few of the cool ones. The weirder ones. We're far outnumbered by the others.
I don't know why I feel this, but just call it intuition. I think Jenny will be with Yongjin again. Perhaps by the next time I talk to her.
Something I was thinking about yesterday. I miss talking to Lori. It sucks that I have to make such a change right when I'm supposed to be progressing. I don't understand crap like that. It doesn't seem fair. But life rarely ever is.
I remember when I shaved my head, she just looked completely shocked the first time she saw me. She just stood there, eyes wide, with her mouth half smiling/half "oh my god." I then told her that I used to have long hair. "I bet it looked really pretty long." "No, it was long, greasy, and nasty."
Am I doing this purposely? I'm so convinced that Jenny must not want a relationship with me and potentially going back to her ex that I'm starting to look around for a girl I can hang out with. Today was Angie, Taiwanese girl from Houston. Finance major. Verbose. Then I ran into Elaine, who had me show her where I work and introduce her to my podmates. Said she wanted to know so she can grab me for lunches. Then there's Karen. Who makes me say "wow."
I don't want to be alone right now. I can't be. Not now.
I'm starting to read Bridget Jones's Diary again. I don't know why. I really shouldn't. Books like that don't help me. Books like that don't make me happier. I need something that will make me happy. A girl won't do that. I already know that. But what will? What am I lacking that everyone else has? Why can other people be happy but I'm still always so fucking damn miserable? I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I be happy? I should be happy. I have no right not to be happy. I'm so selfish.
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