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BY Job

04/01 Direct Link
My girls had gone out to play whilst I was making dinner. I called my oldest daughter when it was time for them to come home and eat; they were at the nearby football field. They arrived home just as dinner was ready. I'd set the table and layed out the side dishes but the table still had lots of Lego and other small toys, which had to cleared away. I brought out the cooked dishes and asked my youngest to clear away her things. As this didn't immediately happen, I pushed her Lego house onto the floor. It smashed.
04/02 Direct Link
A football match was taking place at the local ground. One side was a set of 25 year old men, all muscle and focused concentration. The other, a gang of obviously out of shape 40+ year olds. Whilst it was clear, from the regularity of the goals being scored at one end of the park, which side was winning, I couldn't but envy the older side. The laboured breathing of some of the team could be heard from the sidelines as they ran, bellies a-wobble, after an opponent. But still, they had a definite glow of joy about themselves.
04/03 Direct Link
Two bombs had exploded during the early hours of the morning. One person had been killed, several more had been injured. The room telephone rang four times, stopped, then rang again. I guessed some other guest was calling the wrong room and settled to try and go back to sleep. There was a knock at the door. Groggily, I answered and saw a little man, dressed in the hotel uniform, holding out a mobile phone. - Your tour guide wishes to speak with you, he said. The guide was calling the people on her lists to make sure they were safe.
04/04 Direct Link
My friend's daughter is a beautiful, confident and vivacious young woman of 26. We were out listening to a singer.Whilst the daughter was moving around socialising with friends at the bar, her mother leaned in and said, She's 26 and still a virgin. I was a little shocked and said, I don't need to know. As long as there are no fears, worries or neuroses behind the sexual inactivity, I am pleased for her. The young woman that is. I hope that she meets someone that she loves and who loves her before she ventures forth into the physical.
04/05 Direct Link
There was a nervousness within him during the meeting. His confidence was suddenly dented. Could he really run a project of such complexity? Were the others also doubting his abilities? The supplier had called the account manager rather than him. Was that because she thought he was stupid, or was it because he had already pointed out that a delivery date had already slipped by two weeks? He noticed that he was answering questions, identify needs and assigning tasks. One of his colleagues laughed. He felt reassured. It's going to be OK. Those six minutes had seemed so very long.
04/06 Direct Link
Saxophones are always seductive when heard on a summer's evening. Recorded sounds drifting up from the constricted yards of Parisian buildings. Drawing people closer to open windows so as to hear better. Friends, reunited in the City of Light after several years, drink wine, tell of their lives and talk about people, places and happening from the past. All with the music of the sax drifting up from below. One lights a cigarettes and looks down into the yard. He feels the July heat and smiles. Even at twilight, it's T-shirt weather. To be in Paris in the summertime.
04/07 Direct Link
Another truck driving weak man took his revenge on the West today. This time in the town where I live. I am fending of my own thoughts of revenge and noticed that I laid more notice to people who looked Arabian. Revenge is not inspired by goodness, logic or even godliness. Especially not godliness. It's easy to shrug off vengeful thoughts by thinking, No, I am not going to hate people. Today the weak man with possibly fear, oppression and anger in his life acted on teachings he believed to be real. What now? Praying leads to there being prey.
04/08 Direct Link
Arbirlot Bauhaus Carmylie Danang Echo Farang Gorbag Hong Kong Iguana Jism Kamela ha Leilou Ming war Narcosydicalism Oscillate Phat Kat Quark Rituals Saul Triangle Uncertainty Vagina Woogawooga Xoil Zed's dead, baby. 26 letters. 26 entries. Some are fairly specific to my upbringing, my interests, films, friends and fucking. Others gain meaning, to me, through connection to events or people who I know or have known. Everyone has sa list. Some words will coincide with my words but for entirely different reasons and associations. I have already changed three of the words above to give the list more meaning. To me.
04/09 Direct Link
Hippopotami are apparently the worst. Males can be very territorial and bad tempered. Because of their size and tusk like teeth, they can cause a lot of damage by just running at the things that upset them. They run a lot faster than people. The rhino, though larger, is a much more easy going animal, unless it feels threatened or is startled. It will then charge. A full grown white rhino, weighing two and a half tons, can run at fifty km/h. That's a lot of force. Best not to be in its path. Beauty in motion to watch.
04/10 Direct Link
The moon floats still in the azure evening sky. A tunnel of white gold seen through stripes of pink cloud. If one were to enter, to where would it exit? It seems to lead upwards but this may be because I'm viewing from below. If it were to go straight through the sky behind and come out into blackness lit by the million pin pricks of far distant stars, what then? Only death. The sun takes longer to set now. Thinking back to being in France or Greece, of how you could see the sun rushing to bed then darkness.
04/11 Direct Link
An old (three time) girlfriend told me today that she was going to have another baby. It seems unlikely but I don't actually know that she was joking. She is 50 years old. This seems relevant. We don't speak often but have met or had chats over the internet every couple of years. Between the second and third of our times together, she had been married, had two children and been divorced.She has practiced yoga often and regularly and so is fit and healthy. It is conceivable that she could conceive. It just takes an egg and a sperm.
04/12 Direct Link
I'm not sure where I am heading with this. I'm not sure where I am heading with anything. Family, children, friends and women/sexual relationships. I'm not sure just where my mind is at or what state me body is in. Work also, is just chugging along. I'm supposed to be the driver but really I am much more of a reactive than a proactive person. Which is fine. There is a need for me to be engaged, stimulated and involved still. And yet, time is ticking by. It takes time for people to adjust to needs, desires and feelings.
04/13 Direct Link
Write about what you know. I don't actually know very much. This is not me being Platonic but just reporting a fact (which also happens to align with Plato's teachings). Currently, I can recount my impressions of internet dating, which will undoubtedly be heavily biased despite my better intentions. I know about letting love and life slip through your fingers because you are looking for better things. What I know least about is the unconditional love that children give. To receive a kiss and hear I love you. For no reason other that it is true. Children are the future.
04/14 Direct Link
There is a marked difference in Tinder matches between Sweden and Thailand. In Sweden, where I live, matches come at a rate of about one a month. The hit rate could be higher but I have chosen to make it difficult for myself... Whilst I was in Thailand with my daughters, I passed the evenings looking at many apparently available women. Of course I 'liked' a lot of them. Tinder then lit up like a pinball machine. I'd quickly inform the women that I was a tourist, who was not looking for love in Thailand but thought they were beautiful.
04/15 Direct Link
I got to internet chatting with a woman who was not in the same town as me. She worked as a bar girl on the other side of Thailand. To me, her life seemed utterly desolate and appalling. Basically, she was available for rent to any Western (usually) man who wanted her. I did not ask for details of services required or general health. She told me that she had a son, who stayed with her parents. When she had time off work, which was not often, she served at a Buddhist temple, attended classes or occasionally visited her son.
04/16 Direct Link
She seems to lead a fairly normal life. She posts pictures of her friends, her travel and her food. There are never any men in her photos. People gravitate towards happiness, I believe, no matter how dreadful their current life might be. In the face of my own prejudices on the lives of prostitutes, it is good to see these pictures of her life. Through our conversations I have learned that she has a sister in Stockholm, where I also live. This and the fact that she like absolutely everything that I post on Facebook, give me cause for concern.
04/17 Direct Link

After the Easter weekend, Iím not even sure who I am anymore. It wasn't an exceptional holiday in any way other than being really cold, and the extended periods of snow.

At work today, I was unsure of what I was doing, whether there was any meaning in it and where money would come from if I were to walk out. Once again, I think of alternate career paths that I might be able to hop on to. There arenít that many. Iíd have to be very brave and have a clear plan if I were to make a change.

04/18 Direct Link
If there is nothing to write about then write about that. This may be a paraphrased Hemingway quote. There is a white wall with in-built wardrobes on each side. The doors are also white.They are each split at the top quarter. There are cupboards, or small wardrobes behind the shorter doors. Big enough to hide a body if the body were tightly folded at the knee and waist with the head bowed down. It is a small room. The wall is some three meters wide. With a lot of effort, some ten bodies could be hidden in it.
04/19 Direct Link
She had always longed to make Thanksgiving dinner. The long Easter weekend would be perfect. It was a vibrantly cold but sunny day. She wore a sleeveless blouse with her favourite skinny pants. "Fuck you!" to the springtime snow that continued to fall. Looking at her mirrored self, she briefly considered how she'd look with a bird of paradise tattooed on her arm but couldn't quite imagine it. She noticed her nipples pointing through the fabric, flicked one with her finger and smiled as the shiver went through her body. A sleeveless blouse makes a girl feel like a girl.
04/20 Direct Link
There is a tumour in my brain. It's been there for almost two decades. I had had some other problems with my brain. It was nice to have those sorted out. I can now fly without agonising pain. Post-op scans showed that a previously noticed speck had grown to the size of half a golf ball; I was going to say a two pence piece but they may not exist anymore. Today, I had a headache and at times felt a little dizzy, which made me wonder if things had changed recently. There's always something there to remind me.
04/21 Direct Link
He had told me that he used tobacco and that he had tattoos. Nevertheless, he seemed interesting. He turned my negatives to possible positives, if that makes any sense. We met with the initial purpose of looking at the cherry blossoms in the center of town. It was too cold, we both thought and so headed to a close by cafť that I knew. He payed for my coffee and cake, which I appreciated, and we sat at a free table. He sat beside me rather that in front, which made it seem less like an interview. He seemed interested.
04/22 Direct Link
Jeez, all my thinking is taken up with thoughts of women. I suspect that I need to take a step back. I've become a little obsessed with meeting someone. The odd thing is that I am not thinking long term relationship or the time it takes between meeting and being inside someone. What I want is to meet someone that rings bells and lights me up inside. And keeps me alight. There is a difference between this and the chug-chug of a long term relationship. It's not security and commitment that I need. It is the connection.
04/23 Direct Link
The cherry blossoms had bloomed on the trees of a park in the middle of town. We had agreed to meet there on Saturday afternoon to walk and look at the petal. It snowed, of course. We made quickly for a cafť she knew and sat for an hour with cooling beverages, and a cheese cake for her. Afterwards, we passed a little toy shop as we were walking to her bus stop. We went in to buy a present for the new baby of a friend of mine. She seemed to enjoy being there. I like this Chinese girl.
04/24 Direct Link
I asked her out again the next day. She said, no. She was tired and just wanted to stay at home. I could come to her apartment, if I liked and I should bring a book, in case I felt like reading. I bought her some purple tulips and took two buses to the university campus where she had a student room. She is old enough to be the mother of a student. We drank tea and talked for another hour, possibly two. We then sat down to read our novels. I lay on her bed, her in a chair.
04/25 Direct Link
A while later she asked, Can I be near you? To which I said, Yes. I kissed the back of her neck whilst stroking her hair and the side of her face and wondered if there were customs or traditions that I was contravening. She warmed to it and things progressed. Later, she made dinner. Prawn, tofu, garlic, chili and rice. It was lovely food. As I had work the next day, I didnít stay overnight, much as I would have liked to. The next day she sent a message to say that she had to be alone this week.
04/26 Direct Link
Warriors, come out to play! This quote often comes into my head during yoga class. The one time I saw film, I went with friends when I was 15 or so. It was undoubtedly the coolest thing we had ever seen. I particularly liked the Baseball Furies and a Warrior's line, I'm going to stick that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle. Memorable. Warrior II is the pose. Itís one that must be held for several breath cycles. The bent front leg aches along with the shoulders under the weight of outstretched arms and twisted hips.
04/27 Direct Link
The China girl got in touch as I hoped that she would. She has been writing an essay so has had little free time. I knew this but my little insecurities feared she had other reasons. It is reassuring, for me, to find myself liking someone enough to care. I like this woman. That said, I now find myself thinking of writhing naked with her in various situations. Actually, the mention of situations is redundant. This too is good for me. For some time, Iíve been out of touch with my feelings. I am looking forward to meeting her again.
04/28 Direct Link
Oral is not for everyone. Some people claim to love performing it but set about the act like a gnashing rodent. Others briefly light up of the synapses of the receiver then abruptly cease. Disappointment increases as each time this happens until desire itself is extinguished. Obviously, it is best for people of similar sexual tastes to be together. Lately, I have been lucky enough to have met people that are fully committed to my pleasure, as I have been to theirs. It has made me wonder if I have previously missed out on good head. These things are important.
04/29 Direct Link
The worst half hour of my life.

I had been present at births previously. Both were beautiful and disturbing to witness.

My youngest daughter had positioned herself strangely in the womb. After 12 hours of labour, mother and child were both nearing exhaustion. A clean cut across the abdomen had relieved them of any further effort. There were no screams. I spoke to my wife with what I hoped was a calm and loving voice but all I was aware of was the absence of a crying baby. This silence continued.

And then came the cries. Along with my tears.
04/30 Direct Link
The girl sucks cock like a champion. Not an overly politically correct statement. However, it is happily true. Oral sex is a component that adds to the mix for a successful relationship. There are many transgressions that can be overlooked or forgiven on receiving such a gratuitously given present. With just so many things that can go wrong in relationships, a little grease that helps things run more smoothly should be used more often than needed. I liked this girl before things became carnal. Now, I am prepared to like her more. There is still much that can go wrong.