11/01 Direct Link


I got drunk last night so naturally I emailed a note to a friend with whom I'd lost touch. "Haven't seen U in 5 years or so, want 2 meet up?" or words to that effect.

I got the response today. She said she'd "take a pass" on meeting with me. (Read: anytime, anyplace.) And that's the end of that.

After a period of rumination, I naturally deleted her email address from my contacts list.

The end.

Reader, consider this entry to be paratextual: I really am the natural pathetic rejectoid vindictive fucked-up loser I pretend to be.
11/02 Direct Link


Tolstoy narrates Family Happiness from the wife's perspective. Her husband is jealous.

Anna Karenina has an affair. Her husband is jealous.

War and Peace takes place mainly in Petersburg and Moscow, which are about 300 miles apart. In 1851, a rail line was built connecting them.

If Flaubert was Emma, Tolstoy was Anna.

No one counted the number of times the Count stood on a platform, thinking about throwing himself in front of a train. He'd rehearsed it through Anna.

He dies freezing, staring at the tracks, thinking of the feminine warmth that must lie beneath a train.
11/03 Direct Link


How much do you love me? I like it very much.

Words cannot express the colour of my love. Do you like it?

Will you be with me forever? You would be lost and lonely.

The question is unanswered. See that dog with the beard?

Do you have the time? I could use a bite.

I still don't know. I mean it, what time is it?

Can you spend the night? Don't you want to?

Are you saying you can't stay? You don't want to stay.

I don't understand you. Maybe I'll call you.

Now you only answer back.
11/04 Direct Link


More than words can say. Do you like this colour?

How much do you love me? I think it's beautiful.

Til the ends of all hues. Where would I be without you?

And where would you be? Oh, ha-ha-ha.

There's never enough time for us, never, never enough. Are you getting hungry?

Where would I be without you? I think it's about 11:30. Sorry.

Would you like me to? What are you doing tomorrow?

Why is it my decision? There's something I have to do tomorrow.

I don't understand you. That sounds alright.

I don't know what to say.
11/05 Direct Link


A late-night bus, and man it stunk from all the humid sweaty people. I tried to improve the atmosphere by farting several times, and by God it worked!

Whenever I'm asked to give up my seat on the streetcar to a woman, I always say, "What, did I ask you to enter the workforce?"

I do wish they'd install toilets on TTC buses. I dare say, there's scarcely a sight more disgusting than a stream of piss flowing up and down the aisle in time with the vehicle's accelerations and decelerations, even when it's mine.
11/06 Direct Link

I check my email and I see there's a letter from someone I know only slightly. She asks me to do something. I do it. Then I write back, saying I've done it. She writes back: Thanks!

A single word: Thanks. It did not need to be written. If I am not careful right now, I'll be in trouble. For in that single unit of communication rests an excess, and the excess can be called 'love.'

If I could respond, with my own excess, things could get quickly out of control.

{[(I) (love) (you.)] [(I) (love) (you.)] [(I) (love) (you.)]}
11/07 Direct Link


The time fell back October twenty-nine,
Two two a.m.s--and one was surely wrong;
If only time had fallen back, that time,
I'd not be spending time to scrib this song.
I need your help to null that time so strong
We fell to piece apart so violently
We should inhabit places we belong;
Where we're intended to collectively
In retrospect hallucinate selectively.
11/08 Direct Link

"So I went into the smoking room and he was there so I greeted him and sat down with him. A copy of a free daily was there, opened to the horoscopes. I read mine out loud. 'Libra. Be careful about starting new things this evening. A windfall is coming your way, though you won't recognize it immediately.'

"I said to him, 'What's your sign?'

"He got uncomfortable. 'I'm an orphan. I don't know. Anyway, I don't believe in that stuff. Sorry.'

"Later I found out he was lying. He was a Pisces.

"Typical Pisces. They doesn't believe in anything."
11/09 Direct Link

I didn't believe changing from 9-to-5 to sometimes-nights-sometimes-weekends would put much of a strain on my relationship with Mary. I understood how it would be difficult for Maureen, of course, because she's got kids. I didn't think it would affect me in any way. But, you know, it's the little things that matter. For instance, we can't seem to keep track of who's supposed to be torturing whom on any given Beating Night. (Oh, how we laughed Friday night! "Wait, why am I burning you with embers? Didn't I do this last Tuesday?") I think we should inaugurate a schedule.
11/10 Direct Link

There's a pair of black desert boots, and a tall apartment building, and a mermaid, an electrified monster, and a puddle of foam, and there's a cottage with an endless cellar, and there's two cocks touching each another, and there's a dog that's been turned inside out, and there's two black horses, many mice, a cat named Mexico, and there's a house built from wind, and there's a crossword puzzle and other puzzles impossible to solve, and there's a pillow and a thousand blankets, and Mom and Dad, and then the horses disappear because they are needed in a dream.
11/11 Direct Link


Maybe it's because I inherited his looks.

I was nineteen or twenty. He drove. We stopped at the beer store. I went in. I looked far too young and I wasn't served. I went back out to the car. My father was outraged.

My humiliation, his humiliation.

Allow me to exaggerate.

My father burst into the beer store, guns blazing. He fired upon the clerks, killing two, paralysing a third. "Won't serve my son, motherfuckers?" He leapt the counter and carried off a month of provisions.

He was once a warrior.

We all live in the past.
11/12 Direct Link

An inverse septet of my life
I've spent in Saturdays and -nights.
A fourth are deep in Autumn-times
That call forth melancholy rhymes.
A third of these, Novembred, are
Not times for reaching for a star.
A fraction lesser than a fourth
But greater than a fifth are those
That fall in all the weekends third;
Before Doc Winter wanders forth,
When all I'll make'll all be prose,
Will people hear these needful words?
Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
I got some money 'cause I just got paid
How I wish I had someone to talk to
11/13 Direct Link


I just got the news today that L-, the star of our corporation, has gotten a job overseas, in M-. Such luck! I truly can't think of a person more capable of such a lateral leap. I'm sure the change will be difficult for her at first, but I know in my heart of hearts she's more than able. And those M- men, if they're anything like our men, she'll have them eating out of the palm of her hand. I think the news is just fantastic, wonderful, and I'm pretty sure that she, too, is happy.
11/14 Direct Link

Look at her.... Just look at her!

If there's anyone in this yard needs to be taken down a notch, it's her....

Thinks she's so cute, wouldn't let me have one of her cookies....

It's so cold, I'm all shrivelly....

How can she pretend like this, I think she must be one of those hooers....

Five minutes left, I guess....

The other guys are watching, perfect....

I could go to, like, jail for this, I think....

Her back's to me, she's talking to that new girl....

Now's the time to act!

"Got your hat!"

and it all looks like play....
11/15 Direct Link

As usual, the extra large black coffee was $1.58.

I handed him $2.08.

He handed me back $1.00.

I am honest ... about money. I said, "You gave me too much. I only need 50¢."

He looked perplexed. He took back the dollar, and handed me a nickel.

I held the nickel out to him. "No, 50¢. I want 50¢."

He muttered to the server pouring the coffee something about $2.58.

He took the nickel and gave me two quarters.

I took the coffee.

As I was walking away, he said, "$2.58."

Great. Now they think I can't subtract. Great.
11/16 Direct Link


I came across a homeless guy and his dog today. I said, "Tell you what: I'll give you five hundred bucks for the dog." He pondered the offer and said no. I raised a couple times. Finally he agreed. I went to a bank machine and withdrew a thousand dollars. I went back to the guy and gave him the money. I took the dog by the leash, pulled out a baseball bat, and smashed its head to bits. You should have seen the look on the guy's face! "It's a social experiment," I said. "It's satire."
11/17 Direct Link

Walking along the sidewalk.

I close my eyes.

I open my eyes.

Walking along the sidewalk.

I close my eyes.

I open them.

Walking along the sidewalk.

I close them.

I open my eyes.

The sidewalk.




I close my eyes.

I keep them closed for five steps.

I open my eyes.

I'm walking along the sidewalk.

I close them again.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

I open my eyes.

I'm walking along the sidewalk.

I close my eyes.

I open them.


I close them.



Close them.







11/18 Direct Link


M- and I went out with my old compadre T- and his new girlfriend, L-. L- and I went outside to smoke. She said she wrote music for tv jingles, performed with a company that recreated 'classic rock' albums onstage, and also picked up shifts at a bar. I told her I worked in a news library. I said I understood the thrill of performance, because news is performance, too.

Walking home, M- told me what T- told her about what L- did in that bar:

"She's a dancer; she's a stripper."

Our similarities run deeper than I'd thought!
11/19 Direct Link

Oh my God I'm so sick today I can't even get out of bed. (Well, except to puke.) There aren't blankets enough; I'm shivering even though I'm soaked with sweat and snot and spew. I know it'll break soon, I just have to get through this. Mary's at work. She won't be home til, for another four hours. The cat's on me and it's annoying. Every little noise is like cannonfire. I just saw a whole lot of knives coming through the wall. Bleagh! Bleagh! I'm so incredibly sick. This computer's in the basement. I'm so glad I mastered telekinesis.
11/20 Direct Link


A force from deep space hit Earth on 9 August 2007. The tangent of the force centred on the home of Juan de la Terra, of Santa Cruz, Bolivia. He tapped the floor twice with his left, then right, foot; he hopped forward, then back, then ahead thrice. He wife leapt behind him, then their sons; they hopped out of the house; the neighbours, then the population of Santa Cruz, joined behind. Soon, the entirety of Bolivia had joined. The line travelled through North America, Arctica, Europe, Africa, and Asia. Then everyone drowned trying to hop to Australia.
11/21 Direct Link

One day, I told you about my medical condition. I told you about the bomb in my soul. I told you I'd have to go through a series of treatments to have it removed. Did you think you were reassuring me by laughing?

"How did the treatment go?" you didn't ask the next day, nor the next, nor the next. You never asked about it. Soon I came to know why. It was simply that you didn't care about me, and you never had.

Anyway, the bomb never went off. And you never asked. I wonder if there's a connection.
11/22 Direct Link

Why did I think of James Deakin tonight? Anyway, he was smarter than me. After high school was over and done with, somewhere or other he told me he thought his future was pretty bleak. "I'll become an accountant or something. Is that all there is? It's all so laid out already."

Fifteen years later, I talked to his parents. They said, "Yes, he's an actuarial, making a lot of money. He says it's because he's doing a job nobody else wants to do."

I think I'm the miserablest of all, but there before the grace of God go I.
11/23 Direct Link


"Hello. I'm looking for an honest person."

"Hello. Do you know where my green box of 45s got to?"

"Hello. I know the entrance to the Underworld is around here. I dreamed of it. Can you give me more precise directions?"

"Hello. What's my real name?"

"Hello. Why is the sky crying like that?"

"Hello. I'm looking for the love I once had, but lost."

"Hello. I have a sad, strange feeling, and I don't understand it. There's no question about it."

"Hello. Where's the nearest drugstore?"

"Hello. When's the next showing?"

"Hello. Do you have the correct time?"
11/24 Direct Link

Solid, liquid, gas ... plasma? The nature of things has changed since last I read her text, and all that is liquid vaporizes into plasma.

Aeolus showed up at my house today. I said, "I guess you're going to have to change your CV, since science has shown that wind is merely air rushing from a high- to a low-pressure zone." He answered, "You've merely discovered my technique."

I finally saw clearly what the sun's rays look like. They're made of aluminum sheets riveted end on end, they're twisted slightly helically, and they spin from the heat of the sun.
11/25 Direct Link


Somewhere, I pick up a cello for the very first time and play Bach's six cello suites without making a single mistake.

Somewhere, I pick up a cello for the very first time and play the greatest interpretation of Bach's six cello suites ever.

Somewhere, I pick up a cello for the very first time and play Bach's six cello suites before Bach has written them.

Somewhere, I pick up a cello for the last time and play five of Bach's six cello suites before expiring.

Repeat 1,000,000,000 times.
11/26 Direct Link

One cold March morning on my way to school I went out the back door. A woman was rattling around in our prefab metal shed. I asked her what she was doing. She was cold and wasted and though she didn't say it she was trying to find a place to sleep; she didn't know where she was. I took her down to the bus stop, gave her some money, and gave her the directions to where she said she wanted to go. I never told anyone, and I don't know if I've ever seen her again. It happened fast.
11/27 Direct Link


My pleasures derived from this argument muchly
Assuage the pains of the weekend's anxiety.

She: "Hey, honey, $20 for a blowjob."
He: "$20? Is that all you got?"

Beware, ye scribes, imitating my treks:
My computer is stained with blood and sex.

The faces of the youngsters in this crowd:
Petals on a wet black awesome.

The djinn said, "We'll grant three wishes."
"Help me thrice washing up the dishes."

An hour in a Conservatory music-room, well,
Is vastly cheaper than a sleazy motel.

I find at times the truth out slips:
I'm nothing but my finger tips.
11/28 Direct Link

Dec. 5/6

How rotten, how rotten, how rotten. In two nights, it's the big Christmas party.

Luckily, I'm scheduled to work til 10:30. If anyone asks, I can lie to them. "I'll be there a bit after 10:30," and that will be that.

I can't face them. There's at least one person who hates me, absolutely hates me, and I can't stand being in the same room with someone who hates me.

Plus, there's the Reference problem.

I wish I was someone else. F'rinstance, I wish I was someone who could make these entries on time like I'm supposed to.
11/29 Direct Link

Dec. 6/7

Tomorrow night's the night.

No one mentioned it to me today. I don't know if it's because they know I'm working, or what.

I should get some liquor, lots of liquor to drink tomorrow night.

I don't understand. Am I the absolute least-liked person on earth? There must be someone else worse off than me. But where?

Everything's all a mess in my head.

What else is there to say? My life is over. I am dead.

Wrote this down in my notebook, yet another witty riposte: "Why bother going out? I can be perfectly unhappy at home."
11/30 Direct Link

Dec. 7/8

I'm rather drunk.


Tonight was the Christmas party. By chance I avoided my usual anxiety stuff because UIwas assigned to work late, til 10:30.

Walking home I passed where it was, Fionn MacCool's. Adn after I was a half black past, someone yelled. It was Mike. He pretty much dragged me in. Everyone was so glad to see me! Maunreen and Bob and all them! I'm not hated so much after all!

I think I'm finally cured. I don't need to write this crap anymore. So, come tomorrow, come December, I'll let someone else write in this