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Well today is the first day of the month of February and I have decided to continue with my submission of entries. Hopefully this month will be more exciting then the last and a little bit more entertaining then the last. Today was one of those days where you wake up feeling tired and know that the minute you get to school you know you will feel the exact opposite. That’s how I felt today. I woke up, rolled outta bed and decided that I should go back to sleep... when I boarded the bus I started to get hyper.
What do you do when you care about someone sooooo much that you cant sleep, or concentrate?? When they’re in pain you can feel it, share their happiness, and cry when their tears fall... Is this love? Is “love” too fragile of a word? A word that’s thrown around carelessly and misused constantly. I hear it and I start to wonder how it’s being used in. its confusing how one four letter word can have many meanings... loving your parents is different from loving your friends...and when you say you love your boy/girl friend… what kind of love is that?
I am hella-tired and should prolly go to sleep but I think the only way that will happen is with the aid of man made drugs... I didn’t sleep last night so that made concentrating very difficult... I was sittin in the back of my psych class and my eyes would not stay open no matter how much I pleaded and bargained with them...they were on a mission... and during math my mouth was continually yawning! It was like my body was out to get me for making it tired... all my body parts were conspiring against me... Who knows???
I don’t know what to write... I am lost for words. My mind has hit a rut. I hate not being able to write... My body, mind and soul ache from being drained of everything they have to give. I am running on empty you might say...thinking hurts more then usual! And I don’t think that’s a good thing! I think I'm getting sick from the stress I've been enduring lately... There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand... And there are things that I wont or even want to understand... why can’t life be simple?
I am having technical difficulties... I feel like a bad girlfriend. Do you know how it feels when you know someone you care about is being bothered by something but he wont talk to you about it? That’s how I feel right now. He won’t talk to me. I feel like everything that has happened in the last month is all my fault, and it makes me sad that he might not trust me or even care about me the way I do about him. Things may not last forever but while they are there, why cant they be worth-while?
What do you do when the caring stops?
What do you do when the caring stops?
When someone you care about no longer feels the same?
How do you deal with the flood of feelings,
Which overcome without warning?
What do you do when the trusting stops?
When it no longer exists?
How do you win back that precious belief that,
The other will be there when needed?
What do you do when the feelings are gone?
When no one knows how to react what do you do?
When love has gone and sex remains
Is that really a relationship?
I don’t know what to write. Words, actions and all thought capabilities have seemed to escape me. Lack of concentration didn’t help at work tonight and I don’t remember what I had learned in school today. It was like a bad rendition of a Peanuts cartoon where all the adults are "Wha wha wha" I was in a bad dream and that I’d wake up and realize that I had to go to school... but here I am gettin ready for bed and realizing that it is Friday... Why do all the days run together into one long horrible day?
I have a new admirer! This guy at school has a thing for me, but he doesn’t know that I have a boyfriend. I'm supposed to go and hang at his house and watch some movies... but if his little stoner friends are there then I’m not going. A bunch of guys who are self involved and stupid... no thanks...
I am attempting to recreate a flaming superman symbol that I saw on the Internet... and though it doesn’t look bad, it could be better! I hope Shawn likes it because it’s for him... Sometimes giving is better then receiving
Well as predicted I was right once again. He asked me out last night and the only lame excuse I could come up with was "Not right now"! I didn’t tell him that I have a boyfriend. I should...I mean, don’t get me wrong Will is a great guy and I like him bunches, just not like that. At least I know someone cares about me... Because I don’t know if Shawn does anymore.
We've been having technical difficulties lately and I hope that we can resolve them soon because its causing a lot of stress and tension between us...
What’s your first reaction when someone you knew wouldn’t talk to you when you were close but when they move there they want to become your best friend? Well I thought the idea was bunk! But now that I think about it, I might be able to use this to my advantage! You’re prolly thinking "this girl is totally warped" but if you think about it... She has a car! So this could be cool! She starts school tomorrow but hasn’t decided where to go. She has to decide real quick if she is going to start tomorrow. Choices, choices...
Why do people say things they don't really mean? Or ask you how your day went, when they don’t really care?
They comment on your outfit, but never see it. Or say they like your hair when you haven't changed it.
How do you tell the difference between truth and lies? When the stories are one giant tale?
Why has the world reared its ugly head and snarled its teeth at me? Why must it drag me down into that black sea?
The world’ s a give and take situation. Give all you can and the world will take more...
Another day has passed and still I think of you.
I cannot concentrate on anything except,
The thought of me inside your embrace.
I miss you so bad, my heart aches
And upon my lips there is still lingering,
The remains of our last kiss.
Why did it have to end?
What have I done to push you so far,
Beyond my reaches and out of my arms?
Why did it take so long for us to realize,
That we are so very different?
You and I have grown so distant and far apart.
Is there nothing we can do?
What is the purpose of homework? Do teachers not realize that their students have things to do other then their homework? I haven’t done any homework since the beginning of last semester. Every day I bring my books home and place them in their spot on the floor and shake my head in disgust. They look at me and say "Alyssa, Why don’t you finish me? I care for you, teach you things and all you can do it put me here and forget about me." And I only apologize and once again forget about it. Does homework have feelings?
Today is the day of love. Am I loved or just overly liked? Can I ever find love in this world? The one who claims to love me cant be here. But does he really love me, or am I just being liked? Is there a fine line that can be crossed? Or are they two different things? I wonder if I was ever loved, or have I "liked" my way through life?
Now I wonder if I have ever loved myself... or like the rest of the world, have I just liked myself enough to put up with me?
The day after Valentines Day! That feeling has died! This would have to be the biggest commercial holiday in the entire world. A day to express you "love" for that special person. That could and should be everyday! Not just once a year.
I walked around school counting how many girls got teddy bears and flowers and bet myself that in a week they would no longer be dating.
I tired to imagine how much the greeting card companies, chocolate companies and florist make off this holiday...I can tell you this much! I could buy a new house.... 3 times
I am soooooo glad that school is finaly done for the next 10 days. If I had to spend one more day in that place I swear I would go insane. All the days have melded together into one long drawn out day that consisits of eating sleeping and school. I couldn’t tell you what day of the week it is anymore for I don’t know! I feel like I am stuck in a time loop and am repeating the same day over again! And will be for all of eternity. I am on a one-way track…Yet I am lost.
I try to think about the fact that my boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow, but that doesn’t take my mind off life. I should be out doing something constructive with my time yet I am sitting here writing my daily dose of 100 words. Its like a pill to me. I can write and not care about what I say…
I just realized that I need I life. I haven’t been out with friends in weeks. And for some reason I don’t care. It doesn’t matter to me if I go out or not. I must be off now…byes
I think I have had my life-ly dose of excitement forever now! North Battleford covered in snow is a dangerous place to drive. Returning home form Wal*Mart my boyfriends car was rear-ended by a lady going 40 down Railway. His poor car needs immediate attention, and at the time so did we. If you ever have an emergency, never go to BUH for we sat there for 3 hours waiting to see a doctor, who told us both that we had whip-lash and would be in pain. Then it was another hour and a half in the police station. BLAH!
Another day with twice as much pain as the one before, and moving is almost impossible. I talked to my dad who told me that we might be able to sue. So that might be interesting. But the pain is overwhelming and it hurts to sit and type. I have bitched about it all day and I think I have aggravated my mom, but oh well. I don’t think that she believes me when I say that I am in severe amounts of pain for all she does is rolls her eyes. Oh well, she still loves me anyway!
I know you probably don’t want to read about my pain and suffering but the pain has spread. Now my jaw, neck, shoulders and back all hurt. Moving is a strenuous task and my bones crack when I do move. Thanks to the prescribed pills I slept last night, because I don’t think I would have otherwise. I hope I don’t feel like this on Friday for I have to go to work. I need as much money as I can get from the cheesy four hours that I work a week. My checks don’t amount to much in the bank.
Another day… And still the pain will not go away. I feel like dying just to make the pain leave. I’m counting the days until I go back to school so I don’t have to be stuck in this fucking house anymore!! I HATE it here. Always having my mother yelling at me, telling me to do this or to get that. At least at school I just have to concentrate on my work and eating lunch…
There is one thing I will never understand…why is it called spring break when there’s snow on the ground and its 30 below….
Wow… It isn’t long now until I’ll be joining the masses of school students returning back to classes. Sleepy faces, and the smell of books that haven’t been opened in two weeks… The thought just hit me that I should probably do my homework… Lets think… NO! I haven’t done homework in years… I don’t think the break’s going to suddenly change my work habits and turn me into a keener… I have all next year for that! Just think…this is the last year I can be stupid and get away with it… I wonder what next year will bring?
Well that’s it… I am pretty sure that I no longer have a job! But we’ll see when I go in next Friday. I didn’t go to work last night and I hear that they were really busy… but I could help the fact that it hurt to move and I didn’t want to be in anymore pain then I already was that night. God does my head hurt. All this thinking… and maybe if I turned my music down… nope cant touch the tunes! But I have got to get some pills and some sleep for that matter… Night!
ACK! It’s Sunday and it’s the last day before I have to go back to school… All day I have been frantic. Trying to get all my books together because they are strewn all over the house. Chemistry in my bedroom while Math is in the computer room. And don’t ask why but my Psychology book was in the bathroom! I’m completely a mess. I am in pain; I’m confused and I hate my house.
Why cant I just curl up in a hole and sleep for 100 years? Maybe then, after reflection… I will know what’s wrong with me?
Questions I Ask Myself:
Why do I love being alone, but fear being lonely? Isn’t loneliness a part of being alone? Or is being alone a part of loneliness?
Why do I hate being the center of attention yet always want people to notice me?
Why do I try to be myself, but always fail and end up trying to be something I’m not?
Why does my mind change happiness into something depressing and sad?
Why can’t I write like I used to? Poems flowing like water onto the page… Thoughts and emotions so easily expressed you would think I was alive…
The Best Deceptions
Don't you see, don't you see,
that the charade is over?
And all the "Best Deceptions" and "Clever Cover Story" awards go to you.
So kiss me hard
'cause this will be the last time that I let you.
You will be back someday
and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service
to keeping you away.
I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers;
I'll be all right when my hands get warm.
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing.
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
I have a chem test tomorrow and i should probably study, but i dont want to. For i feel that all the answers will come to me in time. Actually i dont think i learned a damn thing. But who needs chenistry anyway! Not i says me.
Did you know that people cannot get organised. I am in a drama play and our lead roles do not know 2/3 of their lines. It really bad! and we perform in about 13 days. Theres not a whole lot i can do. My life is an endless circle of hate and spite.
Once again I’ve survived another month. As the last fading daylight hours of February dissolves into the horizon, I stop and think... What did I do this month that made it different from every other month? How did I change my life or someone else’s for the better? I think for awhile and then my head begins to ache and I know I’ve been thinking too long. Just as I feel I cannot think any longer I realize that February wasn’t different. Not even unpredictable. In fact it was completely monotonous and the same as every other month!!! I’m Predictable!!
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