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Another ugly incident with My dad. Matt left a bag of weed on my reciver. So when my dad came in he flipped out. After that I thought about leaving. Called Jeff about computer problems. The old 14400 modem just wouldn’t, coudln’t connect to Aol. Almost three days without e-mail. Sucks Finished Try. Quite a good book. Emotionally powerfull, cathartic, and without a sure resolution. Finished it after the weed incident. Dinner was strange. Not bad just didn’t want to be there. Matty and Marianne’s friends were there Drank a lot of Wine, and had a cigar. Wasn’t so bad.
Matt has abandoned me. After he made his big speech yesterday about how we should stick together, and I shouldn’t make him go to Matty and Marianne’s alone. Amy and him didn’t go to dinner tonight with Mom and dad. Station road was good. Nice crab cakes, good stake decent ice cream. Ancho and cherry ice cream with dulce de leche. The company was negligble. I did get to razz one of them with my superior knowledge of NAFTA, and WTO. They ended his complaning quick. The ride over was a nightmare. With dad driving like a maniac. Oh well.
Got back from Ori’s party 1130PM matt showed up a little bit later. I had a good time. Meet more of Jeff and Ori’s friends. Didn’t know many of the people there. Ori got some cool presents, and some lameones. She got a bong from the Skewville folks. I will have to try that. Two days away from my interview. I’m going to my first class of this semester tomorrow, and barring any problems with the last two semester and the grades I haven’t recieved my college career will over soon. Waited until now to hear from Ori. 1:41 AM.
I really made a mess of my August words. There are huge gaps where I just didn’t post. I guess falling into a temporary depression will do that. I’ve been better in Septemeber Once I got August fixed I can focus on September. I can’t belive how badly I‘ve screwed it up. I was soo on top of my game and now. I just blew it up.
Ori’s party was fun. As usually I drifted around. In and out of various conversations I didn’t start. These were not my friends. Not that they weren’t nice people just didn’t feel comfortable.
Tomorrow is a big day. I will be going in for my interview for a potential new Job. Went to dinner with my dad, and he bought me a new outfit. Men’s warehouse. Nice clothes, spent a bunch of cash. I am extremly nervous. Maybe more so than necessary. This will mean a lot more money. I know people will wonder whenm I show up tomorrow. I have only told three people about the job prospects, and only two of them really know anything. I almost wish I could stay at this job, but it really is a dead end.
Had my interview today. Left work at one, and got to city hall at one thirty. They wouldn’t let me in till one fourty five. I wait half an hour tilltwo firteen to be seen, and then it was over. Five minutes at most. He set up another interview with another person. I have to send a resume. Later I went to my dad’s office and waited. Had a good meal and unplesent time with the family. Got home smoked two joints posted my remaining words to 100words, and gave Ori hear birthday present a bottle of 1996 Crowes Hermitage.
I've taken to drinking three cups of coffee in the morning with half and half and sugar. I had been drinking two. I used to drink four. I get the post and the news, and ice tea on the way to the train. I slip that in the freezer at work. Today I was walking around with my minidisc kicking, and chugging my coffee. It was like I wasn't there, at least not quite there with my colleagues. I was in a different, stranger, better reality. I was doing work, but in my mind I was millions of miles away.
I'm starting to think 100words.net is getting to be too much. Not to big, because I want it to succeed, not that I know what that would mean, but there are too many entries. When there were seven people with 700 hundred entries I could get around to reading them. Not soon, but I'd read them, but know with Jeff saying that their are more than fifty people on the list with 5000 entries I just give up. I can't do it. I know I bitch and moan that no one notices my stuff, but now I'm the same way.
Matt is on a business trip to Chicago and San Francisco. He hates travelling for business. The cost and the excertion. He often dislikes the people he’s with. I have hardly met any of the people he works with. Few have made a lasting impression. I emptied the fridge, and picked up the laundy. I also discovered that beer will freeze. I opened my freezer and the beer I had left there last night had froze solid. It was very funny. I defrosted and a beer and drank it. I ordered from Anytime. Read some Fan fic Went to bed.
Today has not been my finest hour. Getting to work was the worst. I was late, very, very, late getting to the train and then it happened. Multiple stalls, delays behing other trains, and then finally a forced transfer to the A at Wall Street. After that I had Phyliss on my ass all day. Then I get home, and while I’m on the phone with Brian from the Mercinaries I find out about this e-mail from Jeff. I had written something that I shouldn’t have. I said that Jeff was avioding Mimi, which wasn’t true. Jeff was quite upset.
Somedays life just put you in your place. I was obsessed about a perdiciment my laziness had placed me in, and was justifiying it by some absurd twist of logic when I got out of the subway. Didn’t now it yet, but all of that was not going to matter. Walked to my coffe guy and got three with milk and sugar. He said something about plans hitting a tower. I was just glad it wasn’t a Board building. By the time I’d finished my first coffee I knew that this was going to be the start of something bad.
It was a very strange day. The subway was empty. I had to take the F train at 6th Ave down to bourough hall. When I got there I couldn’t get to my building I had to go around to a police barracade and show my id. The building was closed due to a bomb scare in a nearby building. Went to breakfast, and the bank. When I was allowed in I discovered the only other person there was Virginia. It was a slow day. I did copies and sent faxes. Later I had to to get the G home.
Another day. Had to take the L train to 6th again. Not much happened at work Diane and Roberto moved in. Looking like Virginia will be the new director with Roberto as her assistant. Diane T. Is his secretary. Made tapes, enetered new appeals answered the phone. Took the G home. Went to dinner with the folks. Tomorrow Amy will go to Cleveland to get Matt. He’s been unable to get a flight. Came home and then went to Pete’s Candy Store, had to Mojito’s in no time flat. Oh yeah I broke my phone. Fuck. This totally sucks ass.
Class was mellow I just went in for lab. (I had to take the G and get out and walk to the 5) and reverse it to get back. Called the car service and got two limos. Waited for Matt and smoked a joint and left. People, not Amy, drove like maniacs. The trip was quick though. Got high and went to bed. I like being in East Hampton. I like getting high there and doing nothing. People don't understand that doing nothing in different places is different, has a different vibe and feel. I wish my folks weren't here.
So my plan to spend time with my family has failed. Mom, Dad, and Matt went back along with Amy and Gov. I'm staying in Mom and Dad's room. They have cable in their room. I ate the sandwich I bought last Tuesday. All day watching the news, everyone chattering. I'm so tired. It was good today. Everyone left and it was sad, but we got along reasonable well. Now I rolled a joint and so I’ll be ready for the day. Elana is here so I'm not free to do what I want; play loud music and get high.
A picture frame, a wedding ring,
The disembodied receiver of a telephone,
A hundred cups of unfinished coffee, a piece of a
fire helmet, foot prints of search dogs, and one
roll of film.
A tooth brush, the handle of a hairbrush, one
bloody shoe, a quarterly report, a pile of dusty
cash, a woman screaming, an answering machine, a bag marked human hand, a cell phone.
Men selling American flags, and face masks,
A wall with thousands of faces, two children crying
For their mother.
Desks untouched, computers and radios froze,
And a huddled mass asking, “did you hear.”
Deer are stupid. I heard that a lot. Suspected that there was a reason they drowned in swimming pools, and got hit by cars. I have also heard that they are usually infested by ticks. Now I know they are dumb. At my parent's house in East Hampton a doe got caught in the back yard. The gates were open but it kept banging its head against the fence. Eventually I was able with the assistance of Elana to chase it out. Now I know why they don't call deer the king of the forest. It was dumb, but cute.
Its worked out ok with Elana and me here in East Hampton. We've managed to cook together. I wish she would be more like Matt, and be spontaneous in the kitchen. She measures everything. I'm starting to think in some primitive way I know what I'm doing. Mostly I just add Chipotles, or adobo sauce to everything. So far its worked. Beans, add chiptole. Swordfish marinate in adobo sauce. I will have to try it on steak. I'm taking those two steaks from the freezer. Dad will have to buy more. Charlie, damm his truck is a mess. Seems nice.
Hung out in East Hmpton. I was going to take a shower, I was going to catch a 7:30 Jitney, or maybe take a train. An 8:00 o’clock train. There was no 7:30 Jitney or 8: o’clokc train. I printed out some fanfic, and headed out. I got on the 11:02 train and I was feeling good. Maybe a little jittery, but energetic. Eat some kit kat bars, and did some rerading for school. Got out at Lorimer, and then it went wrong. I got to my building I could feel my stomach clench. I won’t be going to work.
Didn't go in to work today. Just sat around and didn't get high. Matt picked up an inhaler forme, and I found an old one sitting in alaundry bag. Don't feel as bad as I though I would, but I don't feel good. I have an appointment with my allergist for Tuesday. Shit I have to reschedule I have class that night. Shit. Matt was at Mimi’s birthday party tonight. I hope to be breathing a little better By the time I see my doc. I’d like to give the impression I'm taking care of myself. I know I'm not.
Today was a good day. The guilt over the things I haven't done didn't overwhelm the things that went well. At least until my head hit my pillow. If I'm able to focus on things I can accomplish, and spend the rest of the day immersed in fantasy I will be able to make it to sleep time. Just have to remain drunk, or high at rest. I really have to make a to do list. Somethings do get done. It just cant really on anyone else to be involved, or depend on having any money to do it with.
I love my new cell phone. I know its shallow, but I do. It's small and blue and has email and vibrates when someone calls. It's like it's doing a little dance. I wouldn't have gotten it except I dropped my old phone. Sure I dropped it a lot. But this time it didn't come back to life like theother times. The times I got it wet, and it made those weird crackling sounds, and the times when the screen went blank and I smashed it on the table and it came back. No this time was different, and permanent.
I'm trying to get back into my normal sleep cycle. It hasn't worked so well. I'm so tired and I can't sleep. I haven't done much except for some really dull reading for my Mideal lit class. I am nowhere with the paper. I am so glad we will be able to rewrite this. My first draft is bound to be crap. I've even resorted to getting high and drinking as a source of inspiration, but it hasn't worked. I am just not inspired by the Lais. They were painless to read, but no ideas. I will write something however.
I didn't start writing my paper. It is do tomorrow at 6:30PM. I will have to jam during lunch and early Am to get it done. I am hoping to be able to write anything. I took notes and have some thoughts at last. Nothing-concrete butI can feel connections being made. Thank god this will be able to be rewritten. Oh man. Talked to Jeff and once again I feel like 100words is becoming too big. I feel lost in the crowd. I hope the message board is cool once it gets started. I will lurk. Oh so very sleepy.
All that hard work for nothing. I procrastinated. I read the boring introduction. I did research which I didn't even read. The syllabus said use sources, and what happens? When I get to class she doesn't want it. I distinctly remember her saying that we should focus on one aspect in the story, and now she wants us focus on Marie's idea of love. Spent all the time and energy with a close reading of the text to get inspired, and for nothing. Doubt I’ll be able to use any of it. Well at least I wrote it at work.
At I'm so bleary eyed tired I can't remember today. I got out of work early to get home before dark. I got a box of blank discs from a guy I know who works for my dad picked up some cash that was left for Matt got a Phoenix Rising burrito from Burritoville and headed home. It wasn't until I was finished with it that I realized it was already dark. I was so wrapped up my burrito and trying to find something at Outpost Daria that I haven't read yet that I didn't notice the time. Sleep now.
Went to the Russian Tea Room to break the fast. Man, oh, mans was it good. It was nearly empty, but the service and the food were outstanding. I had the Sevruga caviar with blinis, and the Chicken Kiev. Amy had the Beef Stroganoff. It was amazing. I had a green apple martini, and a Ginger Snap. The Ginger Snap was too strong, but the green apple martini was super. Its becoming a favorite. Dessert was great. Chocolate Soufflé and a drink to go with it. The drink was good but what I really wanted was a muscat. Missed ER.
I'm starting to think I may not be all that patriotic. I haven't had the slightest urge to buy a flag, or wear one. Maybe like in that Red Kross movie Spirit of ’76 I’d wear a flag like that guy had a constitution shirt, but it'd be awfully garish, and I don't think I’d like that. Matt seemed more than a little offended when I laughed at that woman with the two flags pinned to her shirt. I didn't watch the telethon, and I can't bear almost any of the ads, and the other propagandizing. It just seems ugly.
Towel Head, Rag Head, Sand Nigger, Dot Head; these are just some of the colorful phrases I've heard this last week. Doesn't make our country looks good. Everyone has an enemy or a country to make fun of. There are Polish jokes and Flemish jokes, and they can get ugly, but these attacks on Sikhs, Muslims and other people from the middle east are a prime example of the kinds of behaviors Americans are capable. This should not be taken as a sign that I think Americans are bad, but some Americans commit horrible acts against those who are different.
I went to the Giant game with my dad, and that was cool, but it took seven hours to get there and back. Got to Katz’s at 9:45 had two hot dogs and a black cherry. My dad showed up with Mike after 10:20, and I had another hot dog and another black cherry. Got pastrami on rye, and went to the game. The game sucked. So boring, and foul filled. Anytime something happened there were fouls, and the momentum died. The second half was better only five or six flags. They need more bathrooms, and less beer stands. Damm.
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