REPORT A PROBLEM
The name is Carol. Just Carol. Not Carol Anne, like in Poltergeist. Though Anne is my middle name. That's why I hate my middle name. So, I'm just Carol, and welcome to life. It's 11 minutes past midnight, Eastern Standard Time.
I wonder if I'll be this psyched to write tomorrow, or the next day. I can't remember the last time I went to bed at a normal hour. I don't think I'd be able to sleep if I did. I think lying awake in the dark is the worst thing, if you let your imagination run away with you.
It snowed today. My mother put up all of our sorry-ass Christmas decorations to conform with the rest of this "It's A Wonderful Life" town. It's blinding to drive down Lakeshore, the main boulevard here, because all the showy bastards erect giant neon snowmen, angels, and nativity scenes bigger than their own goddamn houses. Sometimes I wish the holidays weren't so cliché. The snowmen wave, too. It‘s basically a cheap contest to see who can embarrass themselves more with their outlandish decorations. Ah yes, the game where everybody wins. Who needs a baby Jesus as big as a house, anyway?
I am in a lot of pain, sore from last night. Modern dance class. Motrin IB is my lifesaver.
Days here are lonely, they seem to drag on and on. I'm wishing for the weekend again and it's only Tuesday. Weekends are never long enough, especially when work has to be done. That's another reason why I hate Sundays. It's supposedly the day when you're not supposed to work, and yet I find myself working my goddamn ass off! What the hell…
School lately has been most unpleasant. Many things are missing from my life.
My sanity, for one thing.
‘Hate the world, Carol', he says.
Alright, I will:
I wonder how someone can work really hard their entire lives, and never be credited, while another can skate through everything; not having to work at all, and is idolized by the masses. It doesn't make any goddamn sense.
...Coming home every day feeling unfulfilled, yet unmotivated at the same time, isn't the way I wish to live my life, but I lack the energy to do a damn thing about it. I think I need someone to make me see things a different way.
No, of course I'm not bitter.
Chemistry isn't getting any better. My teacher tells me that I'm ‘worth saving', but I'm not so sure. I hate that class. It's practically the only subject where I have absolutely no previous experience or familiarity with.
I hate being alone. More ways than one, I suppose.
I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World, it makes me think abstract thoughts. Not about my chem teacher, my other thoughts.
Fucking boys. Never in the right place at the right time. Always something else, someone new, some other conflict getting in the way.
Stupid chemistry. Stupid boys. Stupid fears. Stupid life.
Listening to: Depressing mix of music. Mood: Depressed (surprising?)
How can I choose between two good friends of mine? Well I must have found a way, because I did choose. And from what I've heard, that was a good choice. First one I've made in years, it seems. She was crying, and he was still yelling at her, in her face. I just wanted to slap him. Poor thing, she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to live anymore. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. Probably because I don't want to be.
Thinking, I mean.
In a fairly good mood, I believe. I had/am having a good weekend so far. Tonight was fun, I actually didn't sit down for longer than 5 minutes.
Interesting theory: If "to dance" is a verb, isn't a "dance" also a noun? So wouldn't one in their right mind "dance" at a "dance"? It's cognitive, people!
We finally have our Christmas tree up, it looks really pretty. When I was a little kid I used to walk slowly into my living room and open my eyes and just gaze at the beauty of colored lights.
It smells like Christmas, too.
"You remind me of when I was alive", he says to me. Ton of bricks, anyone? Maybe knocking the wind outta me? Yeah, a little bit. Talk about out-of-the-blue.
It's only been Sunday for about an hour fifteen and I've already got enough drama to last a whole week on SoapTv.
It reminded me of "As Good As It Gets", where Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt that "You make me want to be a better man". Her reaction, times umpteen , (and dyed brunette), is my reaction to this entire weekend. The only part I've seen of that movie.
Was violently ill today, all of the sudden, for no reason at all. I'm weird like that.
Learned a bit of French, a bit of Italian. Realized that French and Latin are very similar, and that Spanish and Italian are very similar. Yet, French and Spanish are not as similar as I would have hoped. Impossible to spell and speak, but I‘m learning all the same. Stupid romance languages.
Even though my teacher yelled at me today, things seem to be going well. Life puts on the façade of getting better. And I really want to believe it this time.
Feeling pretty good right now. All of my friends are happy, which is saying a lot. My work here is done.
Spilled my guts like a schoolgirl tonight. Whatever, man, it needed to be done. Very tired.
First rehearsal today, it went well, for the most part. Unexpected visitors complicated life for a bit.
My back hurts, probably because I need to lie down. Falling asleep in class, and wanting to right now.
It's funny how I resolve to go to bed early, but it never works that way? 16 minutes until tomorrow, I'm sitting alone, awake in the dark.
I think I had a good day today. I laughed a lot, more than usual. I've been very tired lately. Wonder why…Staying up until past midnight and getting up while it's still dark outside.
Damn you, Daylight Savings Time. But I think I'll be okay as long as I have caffeine.
I like the winter holidays best because my friends who now live far away at college and whatnot are back in town to spend time with their families, and hopefully with me as well. It's really nice to see them.
Less than two weeks to go until
Very, very confused...
Here's a rock, and here's a hard place. And I'm right in-between. How can one decide between telling the truth and ruining someone's life, or telling a lie and making them content? Well, you shouldn't ask me, cuz I sure as hell don't know.
Hey, at least I'm not the only one who's confused. People can be very confusing. Certain people, rather. One minute they're happy, the next minute they're deliriously depressed.
I have a lot of things to do tonight, but it seems that my motivation (and my muse, for that matter) have escaped again.
My day was very…blah. People ask me what I mean by it and, truth be told, I don't know. I think it means that nothing important or eventful happened, or that I was just in a bad mood for no good reason.
Whatever, man, do what you want.
One week until Christmas Break! Actually, it's called "Holiday Break", but you might as well say "Christmas" because my town is so white and so Christian, aside from the one or two token Jewish or Jehovah's Witness families. "Holiday" is synonymous to "Christmas".
It's Friday the 13th, why am I so unlucky?
I think it's great when people quote me. I like being quoted. Quotes are mostly important to someone because they take it in their own way.
Those really obscure quote(-ations) that when they were said or written truly meant nothing. But then they're scripted on Hallmark cards and motivational posters in schoolrooms, and everyone reads them and pretends to have this innate ability to assess the depth of the quote(-ation), and then fakes enlightenment, pretentious bastards.
Who the hell has the confidence to say out loud (or even to their mirror, for Chrissakes) that they've achieved Nirvana thanks to Hallmark?!
I hate Sundays. I wake up at 10, dragged from my warm haven of comforters and forced to sit in an uncomfortable pew for an hour listening to cantors who can't sing. When I get home I eat a stifling lunch with my family and try not to shoot myself as I attempt not to snigger at every imbecilic remark. Sure, I sound pretentious now, but you don't live with me. My father forced me type up a resumé of awards I've received, and places I've performed, so I'll include it with my job application to be a fucking
This morning I woke up to a commercial for an anxiety disorder and they listed off all these symptoms that I've had concurring within the last 2 weeks or so. I refuse to take any medication to fix it though.
I had a fairly bad day. Failed yet another chem test, I'm sure.
I had dental surgery today. It really hurts. Didn't hurt much at the time after the 12 shots of Novocain, which were a really big bitch.
…Somehow I feel like medication would alter my personality, make me less of myself. And I
Sometimes, at least.
My nose is stuffy. It hurts. Boo.
Listening to Harry Connick Jr. sing about Christmas. I think this holiday season has got me in my superlative of holiday moods. I'm singing carols in Geometry (why did I bother to capitalize that?) and wearing holiday socks that I stole from my mother. It's the most wonderful time of the year, damn straight.
I can't wait until school gets out, I've been so bogged down lately, or in my father's new favorite phrase, "burning the candle at both ends"
…I think I realized how much I really like my name...Carol.
Well, a 36 on my chem test. No,
out of 40...Out of 100. 36 PERCENT. I'm such a fuckup.
I've been forgetting what day it is…along with other concepts of time: It just doesn't seem important to me anymore.
I cannot wait until Friday; no school for 2 weeks. Maybe a lack of school/stress will make my insanely violent abdominal pain go away.
I still haven't figured out what is causing it. At first I thought it was The Monthly Bitch, but this practically happens every night, and I hope my internal calendar will never be
Christmas concert tonight,
whoop de doo
I rolled out of bed this morning and went to school. I was complimented copiously on my pajamas, and I replied with "Thanks! I slept in them!"
You know what would be funny? Like, you know those white fake deer made entirely out of Christmas lights that people put on their lawns? Well, I want to make a fake white deer
out of lights and put it on someone's lawn. See how long it takes for them to notice, and if it makes little children cry, because what if the deer start moving?
Went caroling tonight. I love my name. I also like the fact that nothing decent rhymes with it, aside from sterile and barrel, but those aren't any fun.
It's gratifying to sing to people for free. I think I want to go into Music Therapy after college. I'd get to use my music to help sick people and learn about the psychology behind music, which I think would be really cool. I didn't know such a profession existed until today, when I met a music therapist and he seemed very interesting and dedicated.
So maybe I'll do that then, yeah.
Out to lunch today, sat near some cliquey girls, and tried not to shoot myself.
"Kristin! Should we call Justin?"
"Omg, do you want to?"
"Yeah, most def!"
"Do you have any lipgloss?!"
exchange was punctuated by a multitude of squeak-filled giggles. Gag me with a spoon of ignorance.
Upon hearing that annoying conversation, I realize how lucky I am that I was really unpopular in middle school, and I'm extremely glad that I met some amazing people before/during high school that made me realize who I am.
I guess I turned out all right after all, eh?
Babysat for a 13-year-old last night. Trust me, she
a babysitter. She's got problems, into which I won't delve, and because of them I find it hard to relate to her, and possibly set a good example.
Went to a formal dance tonight. Blah. The last slow song found me sitting alone at an empty table destroying a silk poinsettia. I reiterate: Blah.
I never have much fun at these dances; I don't know why I go. Nobody ever asks me to dance. Yes, I've
boys before, but I'm a traditionalist and I hate that Sadie Hawkin's bullshit.
I found out tonight that one of my good friends is gay. I wish he had told me sooner. You know what I absolutely cannot stand?. How older generations refuse to accept different lifestyles. My friend is so cool. If anything, I'm glad he told me because I've kinda always wanted a gay guy friend to hang out with; I feel safe with him.
Received a Christmas present from a friend today. It's a white bear with a masculine shirt and tie on top and girlie miniskirt on the bottom. I decided to call him "Bisexual Bear".
Mm, how alliterative.
Happy Christmas Eve. Listening to Jimmy Eat World. I don't want to go to church today.
My Catholic church has a contemporary choir that used to sing the Lord's Prayer with the words changed from "trespasses" to "debts" because the syllables fit better. But they changed it back because it confused the old people, I guess. But now it's stupid because they're trying to fit 3 syllables into 1 beat. And the priest asked them to change it, but they refused.
...Just goes to show how stubborn Catholics are, even if the view they hold is completely ridiculous.
I love my new coat. I slept in it last night. It's like wearing a blanket 24/7. Amazingly warm and comfortable…
My entire house is filled with pungent and tasty smells, and I smile because I know I had nothing to do with any of it.
have anything to do with it, I'd have the fire department here in a flash. I'm playing with my new MP3 player, and intentionally blasting The Who over stupid ole Kenny G. What does that G stand for anyway?! Maybe it's embarrassing, like Gelding, or something…
Happy Christmas, by the way.
Kissing is a lost art form. It's pure vulnerability. You're connected to them, and everything is beautiful. You touch their face and they pull you closer, closer in the dark, and you're not sure if your eyes are open or closed because it's dark either way, but you want them closed because all you need to see is right there in front of you, pulling you even closer than before. It's beautiful because that's all there is, it's all you want. And the darkness closes in around you two, swirling like a dervish, faster and faster, until...
Oh, never mind.
My father thinks that my constant violent abdominal pain is attributed to my failure in chemistry. He wants me to drop the class. I doubt its possibility. I hate the class, but I don't want to wuss out. I'm fucked either way.
Which looks better on college transcripts: A D in an honors class through finishing out the entire year, or a C- from withdrawal? The latter flags me as a quitter, but the former will flag me as a moron!
It's ironic that my father taught me to never give up, yet now he's giving me no other option.
Went to a college hockey game tonight. Tech school versus university school, same state. The crowd is clearly divided, and the game rages frantically. Midway through the third period, the announcer tells us the current results of an away hockey game starring our NHL pro team, and that we're winning 4-zip; something like that. Immediately, the entire arena erupts in cheers. It's interesting: We root for our respective college players, but in the end we're all on the same team.
"When the game is done, the king and pawn go into the same box."
(Happy 17th Birthday, James)
Dead Poets' Society is a good movie. I sympathize with the lead character, Neal. His father in the movie reminds me of my own so much that it's scary. If my father was as ridiculously overbearing as Neal's was, I'd probably react in the same way.
My parents made a friend of mine leave at 11pm tonight. That's earlier than my own goddamn curfew. I feel like screaming.
I can't remember how I was going to end this. God, it just doesn't seem important anymore. I'm a prisoner in my own god forsaken house.
How now, Spirit, whither wander you?
Well, it's New Year's Eve-Eve, and I've decided to make some resolutions. Quit the excessive drinking, smoking, and unprotected sex, along with cutting down on all that extreme skydiving I do. Right. That previous sentence is bullshit, duh.
I resolve not to make any goddamn New Year's resolutions, because I know that drunk people will just use it as a conversation piece when they're trying to get some action tomorrow night.
What the fuck is up with all that kissing-at-midnight bullshit? What does everyone have to prove?
, another year gone by, and all we do is close our eyes.
This is my last entry for the month.
Let me recap:
I'm still alone, I still hate the world, and I'm still a brunette. Hm, sounds like a success to me! I've only recapped this past month, but it's applicable to my entire life!
New Year's resolution is to remain in Chemistry, and do better. I recognize now that I need to stay in the class, and I
to get through it.
No, nothing to prove, I've just now realized that I can do this. Violent illness or not, I have to.
Happy New Year, I guess.
The Tip Jar