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Greetings, all. I wanted to find a forum to unload all my pent up anger before I kick the shit out of my dog who only wants to eat and run free. I have spent the last 2 years without getting any dates or pussy or even a half dry kiss from an old lady and now I have had it. The subject here is not going to be how pathetic my dating life is or why it is, but to just unload my descriptive observations before I go and punch the next bitch I see yapping on a cellphone.
Well today Im going to just say that with all the technology, it still takes just one dickhead to cause a disaster. As for the idiot on TV yesterday who called Dan Rather an idiot, I say yes, you have proven one thing in your pathetic life and that is you are a no brained motherfucker who deserves to be tied by his scrotum from a tree until he dies. Of course, some of us will think he was using his first amendment right. And if so, Why not say ?FUCK YOU? to the man? If you do it, do it right, dumb shit.
I have a creative flow to everything I do .It might be writing a poem about some slut who dicked me over by stealing my money. I feel at times I could have just killed her, but seeing as that is wrong, I figure the best way to get back is to dick her over and even the score. I figure what I'll do is wait til we go out to dinner and after ordering a big meal and eating it, I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom, but I'll just go home and leave her there. Say nothing.
It's a Tuesday. Kind of cold, windy and raw. It's winter in my city. There really isn't much to look at outside on a Tuesday that's interesting. You have to look hard. I saw an old Asian man who was squatting outside his house smoking a cigarette. Absorbing the morning on his street. He reminded me of one of those little farmers who spent half his life bent over in the rice fields. Now taking a break in the United States, smoking a cigarette. I take a long look at him, he looks at me and exhales. He is barefooted.
I was thinking today of egotism. What is it exactly? It comes in different forms. I think its kind of like someone who cuts off an ambulance. Other times it's just some jackoff who thinks he never finished telling his self absorbed story, but is charming enough to prey on unknowing naive individuals who get talked into helping said jackoff. These are the people who tend to get into high power positions and end up fucking it up by banging a coworker or stealing a lot of money. Can someone's ego be held accountable for their actions? I think so.
Being single, I tend to forget what it must be like to have someone to come home to every night. I mean, I have had girlfriends and all, but not one waiting at home. I have a dog but there's really nothing I expect from her. If someone were here waiting for me, I might not know what to expect. There maybe someone waiting who wanted to bludgeon me with a mallet as I walked in the door. By being single, I know what to expect when I come home. Maybe being single is the way to live my life.
I wonder if there is any way to know what's in someone's mind. Why they think the way they do. I know we have professionals who study such things in order to better understand the mind or brain. But if there is an answer to this and then we find a way to record all of someone's thoughts, what would we do with it? You would have stupid people trying to get ATM card numbers or your sex thoughts so they could see them. I hope they never figure out my innermost thoughts because I would have to commit suicide.
Have you ever been walking along and you find part of a picture or a note? Then you think it looks interesting and you pick it up and study it? It's like a portal into someone else's life that you don't know, but now you think you are like the FBI and you have something on them in case they commit a crime. People shouldn't leave that kind of evidence around. I think this points to a certain laziness we all have. It's like "Hey, people will think its just trash". I always look at trash, other than my own.
I think arrogance has gotten out of control, especially with people and cars. You see shiny cars going real fast with arrogant fucking assholes behind the wheels. They think because they spent an extra $15,000 for a flashier car that they can do whatever they want. These are the pricks who cut off more cautious drivers. Of course, when these dickheads park, they assume the right to park closer than say, the old chevy. Maybe some day, they'll be killed when they drop their cellphone and when they go look for it, they slam head on into a tractor trailer.
I am looking at the bland winter scape out the window. I have been inside for nearly two weeks now, except for visits to the doctor. The outside world won't change much in two weeks, but my mind changes almost immediately. I have found that I am subject to laziness and boredom if I don't have a job to do. I need to motivate myself to clean, or cook or read. This explains the reasons for daytime television. It's there for the lazy to contemplate the nothingness of their lives through other ideas that involve nothing. I guess that's something.
Scrambled mind has a skillet to lay,for a doddering old fool is one who cannot employ himself in reasonable duties of life. Sunshine and rain collide inside my stomach for fear is evident amongst the future of myself and a dripping parade of losers in which I twirl a baton in front of. Seemingly, fooling the bible reading chums into believing an odious life of porno worship for the benefit of camaraderie. Cold doorstop kicks back a dust fluff of reality on my ever searing brainpan, down into the low point of manhood, until shriveling is its last act.
Feeling a bit drunk, we drove to B's house. We were watching TV when B said, ‘what's wrong with you? I set you up with 2 women and you didn't fuck either one.' I said, ‘well one liked you and not me and the other was boring, and she was homely.' I got a beer and returned to find B stripped to his shorts. ‘Are you going to bed?,' I asked. ‘No' says B, ‘I want you to blow me.' I said, ‘what?' And upon waking up I find my finger in my ass rubbing a hemorrhoid. I instinctively smell it.
It has been five years now, since our divorce was final. After seventeen years, we finally split. It wasn't easy. You would constantly be on my mind, in my dreams. You we're my friend though, from the beginning right up until the end. And now, you are right there, everywhere, and I always see you when I am out. You are with that person or this person or sitting alone at a table. Yes, we had some good times but, I still want to know when you were going to kill me. I guess I will never know. Goodbye, cigarettes.
Cheery fast friends answer no call, and that is a problem. No time for wimpy losers in prescription spectacles here! Our world is one of man versus man in a match of strengths and actions. Get out and fight for your pussy and fun! Drink and fight and fuck! My last breath would be from a man who has made mistakes and not participated in the finer points of life. Seems I hadn't sired a child or won't for that matter, and my immature masturbations have cost me a life of happiness, Dear God, I have pissed it all away.
A new project, a new direction, a new horizon. Isn't that positive? I sweated 20 years to get here, took a lot of crap from bosses who were lying incompetent, miserable fucking assholes who treated people like something that crawled out of their asses. I wanted to be a family man, loving wife, children, good job and generally happy. What happened in 20 years? Nothing. It's a struggle to even concentrate on my future. Now I'm just a lonely middle aged man, no wife or kids, work daily, drop dead at night, praying that I find some way to happiness.
The lingering pain of my surgery causes me to be less introspective today and therefore I won't write as effective. Words are sputtering out of my mind and my fingers fumble along trying to work this out. We didn't go to breakfast as planned because of a snowstorm and my brother's back is bothering him. However, the dog demands a walk, which is out of the question because of my condition. Her world is all about being a dog. Maybe tomorrow when I go to the doctor I'll get these stitches out and be able to walk with shoes again.
My list of friends has dwindled over the past five years. When I quit using drugs, I lost a lot of friends, but most were by association. I mean, I would see my regular friends and do drugs, but then I would meet an inner circle of drug friends. I also stopped drinking so much and began to wear glasses. I took on a more conservative look. Then I quit smoking, lost contact with the sports buddies, and so on. Now I have a few friends. Sometimes they forget what I do for a living. I don't bother with birthdays.
I used to go out with this whore named Lisa. I called her my girlfriend until I noticed that she was dating other guys while I was at work or at night school. I didn't believe it right away but after I saw her leave a bar with another guy, then I knew she was a whore. I continued seeing her until I found out she was pregnant and was seeing several other guys. Seems that Lisa didn't know who the father was. I was in the running, but later found out I was not the father. What a whore.
One thing that bothered me when I was a kid was most of my friend's parents didn't like me. Once I was at a friend's grandmother's apartment and we were gathering canned good labels for some project at school. We removed most of the labels from his grandmother's can goods and relabeled them with flimsy markings. When my friend's grandmother discovered this, she curtly told me to go home. When I left, I heard yelling from the apartment window. Old Grandma was cussing up a storm and saying she didn't want pieces of trash like me in her house anymore.
It's 3 A.M. and I hear a train whistle blow in the far distance. I get up to take a couple of aspirin to kill my pounding headache and lie back down. My mind is rerunning our last conversation before I hurt you. I think of how I did love you and how I was proved a fool. You said you loved me, but was with ulterior motive. You are in my mind between the pain behind my eyes and my memories of our relationship. I want to forget you and I feel like vomiting. All at once I do.
I remember a bully in grade school. His name was Don and he was really a sociopath. He'd pounce on any kid smaller than he and either take their money or just punch them in the leg to give them a charley horse. He never messed with the black kids because he said he "didn't mess with niggers". Another guy I knew said Don had stolen his lawn mower and once he took my cap and I tried to fight him but he punched me in the face and knocked me out. Eventually, he went to boystown for young hoodlums.
I went out on my own today. First time in a month since I had my foot surgery. I had to rely on others for transportation. My battery was dead in the car so I called for a jump. The man showed up, not too many teeth and not interested in chit-chat. I went to the DMV to get my temporary handicap tag, waited a half hour and went to the grocery where people whooshed by without concern. I was trudging along slowly, no one said pardon or excuse me. Now I know what it's like to have a handicap.
I had a friend who was a drunk in the beginning when I met him. We got to know each other a little and then we became roommates while he was drinking. Well, he sobered up after 4 tries, and we became roommates again. Then we split up and he married and had a kid. After a while, I didn't make any major changes in my life. I sort of stagnated, got older and became a little reclusive and bitter. Finally, this friend and I had a falling out over something I considered trivial. Man, he just became an asshole.
I free fall into a world of disillusion, like from a womb of ignorance, fearing the unknown, feeling withdrawn and sensing the desire to be in love with the ONE... Searching catatonic nightspots that are filled with frustrated celibate smoke and limp destitute bloodsuckers, rowing through the filth of mankind's abhorrent legacy, I see blindness and lack of substance... and my search hasn't been fruitful, we must regroup to show discern of character and walk boldly into the inferno, a MAN. Fighting off stabs of wonton disgust, no hate falling before me, I mount the air of dissent and vaporize.
I'd like to forget about me. I know there is more to the world, but having become reclusive, I haven't been out to look at the inspiring nature that makes my mind free from such trivial matters. I need to invent my own mini-world where I can go running, walking, wade in a pond and throw a frisbee. How can I create a mini-world for my simple escapes without reverting back to drugs? I might look into meditation, and music for my inspiration. I feel like my mind has been doing prison time and anal sex is not the answer.
Well, I tried to return to work today. Been four weeks since I had the friggin' surgery. And to make things interesting, we had a little snowstorm last night for laughs. I was sent home however, because a supervisor failed to realize that the work I was going to do did not fall under my medical restrictions. I must have passed a thousand people who were looking for jobs on the hour drive home. Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Now I remain at home, on my sick leave, and more people go home without jobs. Thanks to some strange irony.
I think it's funny how we as people do things that we know are wrong and yet expect everyone else to just look the other way. If we beat our children and then years later wonder why they've become so fucked up, then isn't that some karma coming back at the abuser? Endless is the cycle of wrong. On our planet, great injustices are happening, and ignorance is visceral throughout men's minds. So, we will always have bad with the good, and if trying to be good, you enable the bad, it's a step in the right direction. Endless Karma.
I didn't want my month long ranting and raving to sound preachy or like I had a chip on my shoulder. I really wanted to express my pure expressions of life without leaning toward the dramatic or emotional. I have met so many useless or misdirected people in my life who have tried to use me or fuck me, and the only reason I hung around was because I was a naive soul who believed in the true being of a person, that deep down they were good people. But I wanted to also say "FUCK YOU" to those losers.
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