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I'm not sure when or why or how it happened, but my friend P has become a conservative republican who wants to rid the country of anyone who isn't a conservative republican. That means all welfare recipients, foreigners visiting who are non-white, liberal media types, and all homosexuals. When I met P, he was an open minded guy with typical machismo views and liked to party hard. Since, he has cleaned up, gotten married, has a good job and goes to church regularly. The question here is not what happened to P, but why are he and I still friends?
A nice blonde. Big beaming smile and bright dancing eyes, not missing a beat. A soft smell of perfume, complete with neat appearance, slightly chubby and doesn't care. She has a shapely body with nice round breasts, and a nicely proportioned rump. All this supported by sturdy thighs, knees, calves, and dainty feet. Her hands reach gently and softly for mine and we kiss for the first time. When we touch, her warm breasts rub my chest and arm. Her sweet smell, fine feminine features, certain trustworthiness and instant attraction all result in a massive dose of big sticky love.
Things are happening. Not very hot and heavy, but they are happening. I am slowly moving away from the horrid memories of the last girlfriend and meeting new people. Of course, this takes time. I also am taking a week long trip with a woman whom I've never met, but have been e-mailing and chatting with for a year. This is going to be a test of my patience and understanding, but, as I have experienced in the past, I can handle almost anything. The weird thing is, the last girlfriend and the new woman are from the same city.
I made ninety dollars after work and I was damn tired. I don't know if I am getting old and feeble, but my legs and head were exhausted. I was standing on a ladder for about 3 hours, and my head was trying to keep the eyes open and brain alert. I need to get more rest, but when I do, I overdose on coffee and get the antsies all day long. I wish I could just mellow out in my old age and cruise through this tired and achiness phase. I wonder if I will make it to retirement.
The responsive neighbor slid off her nightie, and in the moonlight, she looked as beautiful as she did sexual. I felt engorged as I stepped closer to her, reaching my hands up and slowly touching her bare breasts. She moaned lightly, mostly inhaled deeply, and said "Kiss me, kiss my breasts", and I did, thrusting my wet tongue into her mouth, tasting her and feeling her areola harden, and her hand stroking me softly. Once I kissed her breast, she laid back to accept me inside her, and as I entered her slippery womanhood, she called me her husband's name.
This was one of those summer days that made me think of my childhood. Upon waking, I'd head outside and find life. Free to wander the neighborhood in search of something to keep my interest for a whole day. I'd often look for a friend to get up a game of fuzzball. I'd ride my bicycle with my sister to the park. We never went to any far away place for vacations, only to the country to see our stoic grandfather. It was fun though. Upon returning, we would feel cloistered in the big brick madness that was the city.
So I sadly wrote another 100 words to no one. I'm not even sure I can get my work on the site anymore. I figure it's some sort of glitch in the program or my computer has betrayed me like so many past girlfriends. So I still write, ghostwrite, and once again nobody cares. When we are invisible, I feel the best. Like no one can judge me or con me or try to kill me. I can just look at the wild evil eyes of those that are all around and know we are safe. So sadly I write.
I sometimes think other people are thinking I'm going off the deep end. I have paranoid thoughts about this from time to time. I also think that I'm hideous and grotesque. I also think I am physically inept, weak, unmasculine. Other times, I think I can get through the day by being invisible. I don't challenge the problems that face me. I just let it ride until I feel like dealing with them. Other times, I am just angry and feel contempt for the rest of the world. I see people that disgust me and question their reason for living.
I saw a program that explained the sleep process of the brain. In REM stage of sleep, we dream vivid images that the brain has processed throughout the day or in recent memory. This was all tied into sexual arousal of the individual who is in REM sleep stage. Also, the person is paralyzed so as to not act on the dreaming because some of the images are terrifying. It all has to do with the fear center of the brain. So fear, sex, paralysis and vivid images are tied together when we are in REM sleep. That's pretty cool.
"Can you help, please", the homeless woman asked as she held her sign and limped toward my truck. I noticed she had a new purse and was dressed down and pretty warm for a summer day. I said nothing and she looked at me with hurt eyes and a steady glare. I turned to fiddle with the gearshift knob and looked into my mirror as she made her way to the next car. I noticed she had new brogans on. I saw the driver behind me give her paper money, and she stuffed it into her pocket and said thanks.
Mike and Bob were going to see Fleetwood Mac and they heard a man talking on the train about his job as a refuse collector. "Yeah, I find dead animals, dead birds, dead anything, even people," he said to another unknown man, "sho' enuf peoples are trash just like anything else". "The worst is the maggots," he continued, " they can swim right through water and leap right out !" Mike and Bob were listening quietly and intently. The man looked at the two young white men listening. "Just don't let me find YOU dead!" the man said to Mike and Bob.
The middle aged woman walked slowly into the store and got two bottles of water and a box of ‘GOOD N PLENTY' and walked to the register. Her eyes scanned the wall behind the cashier and she asked for a pack of menthol lights, her usual brand. Once the cashier found it, she turned and saw a man standing behind her in line, giving her a gaze she had never seen before. She gave a slight smile, and he was quite handsome, maybe even single. She paid for her items and got her change and left. She never looked back.
I was reasonably suspicious of the friendly smile and greeting. I may attribute this to my intense affinity for depression. I could only see distrust in humans not redemption. A drug pusher would try to con me out of my youth as much as a so called ‘friend' would try to con me out of my friendship. Everyone is quick to point out the faults of others before they look at themselves. I am like that too. I could be depressed a lot due to my adolescent pre-wiring in my brain. Or it could be a simple natural chemical imbalance.
I saw the television news reports of the major electric blackout in New York city and other cities out east. I had seen numerous faces on television, waving and saying ‘we are all right'. I wondered if Koyen is in that mess and how he is handling that. I am sure that he and the other New Yorkers will be all right. When I see those people marching across bridges, walking to get home, I think of what it takes deal with that. I know I couldn't do it. I have a hard enough time dealing with this little shit-burg.
Another night in darkness for many people. Somehow my life was escalated even higher by the fact that I have electricity and I work for the power company. I know how things can get distorted. Why did this happen? No one really knows for sure. I heard there will be a joint task force assembled between the U.S. and Canada to find out why such a major blackout would occur. See? No one knows. I should be there with my co-workers trying to get the power back. But nothing doing in a great big country where monopolies and idiots rule.
I am so tired today. I felt like a big machine trampled over me and I couldn't get going. I helped my friend with his music band this afternoon and evening. I was asked to assist him with the sound check and monitors. I figured this would take a few hours but I was there for nearly ten hours doing the sound and loading up equipment. I know I am being a good friend and that is what counts. Maybe my friend can do me a favor some day. I saw plenty of people who enjoyed themselves, all for charity.
The fucking heat is brutal. It has destroyed the grass in the backyard. The elephant ears are wilting quickly and my trees are in need of water. Everywhere the greenness of spring and early summer has turned brown and dirty due to minuscule rain amounts and constant blasting of sunshine. My face is wrinkled even more now due to the excess rays. I put on sunblock and hope that keeps me from getting more character than I need. All of this has turned me into a real bastard at work. I am cranky and horny all at the same time.
I got up at 4:30am to take a huge piss, and let the dog out. I tried to sleep afterward, but the gnawing mental images of things I despise jumped in front of my sleep deprived brain and caused me to get up and turn on the TV and look at the weather. It was still warm at 5:30am, seventy-six degrees, with ninety-four percent humidity. It was another mean-ass hot day ahead. I slathered on more sunblock and drank piping hot coffee and left for work. There I was pretty rude to a few people, my usual morning asshole self.
Another hot day. Inside my truck it reaches 115 degrees and the ‘no air conditioning' rule is a form of abuse and punishment. Punishment for working for this company, plus it saves gas and endangers my health. I saw several idiots today. Some were trying to inform me of their useless and meaningless lives and some were living within the world of ignorant wishes fulfilled. With a bright orange sun as my ruthless taskmaster, I humped off the rest of my route. My job is meaningless, much like the people that inquire of my reasons for being on their property.
I dreamt of soft supple breasts glistening in summer sweat, hovering above me in ecstacy. I wanted a deep dream diving experience into such a fantasy in order to offset my impending implosion of my burnt and crusty brain. This constitutes my cluttered and depraved mind. I heard a moan and grunt. Below me is the old grandmother receiving anal penetration from me in some misguided and morose dreamworld. I seize my intestines and start to vomit and realize I am getting up for work in a cluster of dusty hazy lack of sleep morning. Only to enter my nightmare.
Somewhere here on Earth is happiness. True happiness that comes not in a 3 second burst of something. Just a happy existence, filled with not an impure substance to keep reality from permeating the state of happiness. Understanding what all this is about isn't easy to explain. Where you have inconsiderate people and total assholes who ruin the system for the rest of us, this doesn't exist. We have eliminated those types of people. Now, we focus on the truth and the well being of the common good. Instead of having a select few people experience happiness, we all can.
So I have figured out what we have become. We have become a society that expects failure and success at the extremes. We pay a lot of money for a service or when we purchase a new vehicle and when something goes wrong we are just supposed to accept it as an error. We are human and we make mistakes. But to the individual who suffers because of this there is no excuse. If you know what you are supposed to do, then do it right and don't expect accolades every time you do. Stop acting like you are special.
We are nearing the end of the month and the end of summer. I always have this same feeling at the end of summer and it started when I was young. I'd dread this time of year because it meant that school would be starting soon and I would not look forward to the new year and with all the social ills I have, I would struggle to meet people and make friends. Most everyone was quiet the first few weeks of school and then you would inadvertently know who the class clown was by then. I would emulate him.
Working hard again. Seeing the sunny day play out like a quick parade of dreamy languid memories. Ice cream on a cone, the rumble of an old Buick V-8 and off on a Sunday drive. I remember the river trips and country drives. Summer sunshine and the oldness of the cars. With radios with orange numbers and chrome knobs. I remember seeing Mom in a green sweater with black hair waving and turning to us in the back seat. And Dad with cross hatch cotton shirt over an always present undergarment mechanically driving with a cigarette in his fingers.
I heard that song on the radio. I never hear it, ever. Something about being for the benefit of a Mr. Kite. It plays out like an eerie carnival side show with all sorts of weird characters, just like real life but without the dour consequences. I slip into a state of awareness where I think about how the world is imitation of life and expressing the greatness of it all. Somewhere there is a weird small circus and a giant hog's head of fire in which clowns and tigers leap through. All for the benefit of one Mr. Kite.
I have noticed there is a certain type of person who goes out on 100 degree days and walks around in the stifling heat. It is usually a person who moves very slow. They take their time and walk at a snail's pace to get to their destination. With the hot sun pounding on them, they have nothing to lose. They know they have to do this existential act in order to be rewarded later in the day. Their reward may come in the form of a beer or a cool glass of tea or lemonade. Just look around you.
It finally rained this morning and it was such a relief after being baked in this heat wave for days on end. I could not see the sun very much but it still felt as hot and humid as before. In my mind I was thinking I needed to have a change of weather as in a change of attitude or mood. I get into a rut and seem to ride it out and get more complacent as the days wear on. But I am finally taking a holiday this weekend to regroup and recharge my brain. Bless my vacation.
Another lonely drive. I contemplate everything involved with my life. I see highways, signs, countless other drivers. I wonder if they ponder the infinite questions of life while they drive. I look at my gauges and check the miles. Bright sunshine guides me into a slow sunset and finally into the small farming town where my father lives with my stepmother. I enter and get all the hellos and hugs and sit for a minute. I enter a new world of complacency and safety. I think about the road. I think about the distance I am from home. Loneliness returns.
I feel great after a restful sleep in a country farmhouse. I awake to silence and not a car roaring by my window or some shit like that. I notice that its early, about 6:30am. I arise to find the other folks busy puttering around. I drink some black coffee, talk a little bit, look outside to see a beautiful country morning. I wonder why I am not living in a little farmhouse and experiencing a simple life. I live in the city. I see the same garbage and filth everyday. The same destitute people and all living in nothing.
I was thinking about the fear that creeps into my mind from time to time. I detest the old friends I no longer speak to, and hope that they are doing poorly. I fantasize about punching my asshole ex-friends in their faces, or ripping open old girlfriends with my hunting knife, and just plain torturing my enemies with whatever I can, maybe a high voltage generator. I guess I don't like those people very much, but I had tried very hard to be friends with them. I didn't succeed so I moved on. Fuck John, Ross, Tim S. The dumbfucks.
Sunday is so soft and serene. I have to get out of my rut. No more porn sites, movies about porn, or other porn shit. No more chatrooms and instant messages from other porn freaks. I think I may ask out a boss lady at work. I joke around with the guys about it. I make a rude comment that she may have a shaved bush. I would like to find out. If she is just into fucking and drinking, I can do that. Problem is, we work together and I have to see her a lot. Probably wouldn't work.
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