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It was family day today. I drove mother to the campus of one of her grandchildren so she may see how it is at college. She had never been to a college, nor saw a football game live, and experienced a college atmosphere. It started as a slow drive due to rain and obnoxious traffic jams, but we made it and stayed dry for the rest of the day. I felt the college atmosphere too. Young people with loads of energy cheering, running, having a good old college family fun day. Mother will now know more than she did before.
I had a date today, sort of. It was another one from the internet dating service. She seemed nice but off in some other place sometimes, with her observations overlapping with other subjects during our conversation. We chose to walk around a lake, which took over an hour, but it went by quickly. I didn't feel much attraction to her though. It wasn't her looks or her smile or anything physical that deterred me. It was more of who she was that made me realize who I am. I am a middle aged man, desperately seeking a simple rewarding life.
Today is father's birthday. I wished him that expression over the phone as he is miles away. Of course I sent a card with pictures in it and love too. He has had a long year and deserves to have a better year next year. I hope he does. After two surgeries and many days in the hospital, plus all the other aggravations he endured, I figured a pleasant simple birthday was in order. I wished that we could be together on his birthday like last year. He was deeply moved by our love for him. It's like a dream.
It's all I can do to get up and go to work. My energy level is so low I feel like sleeping the whole day. Like I used to do on occasion when I was a youngster. Once I slept the whole afternoon on a Sunday, and when it came time to eat dinner, I was nowhere to be found. My parents looked everywhere along with my brother and sister. At one point everyone was out looking for me and I was alone. Finally, someone looked in the bedroom to see if I was there. And there I was, asleep.
I saw on the public notice board where some guy named Peter denounced God as a ‘state of mind' that we people use as a tool to escape the many pressures and trepidations of life. I wonder if this means he is an atheist. I understand some atheists consider the planet more precious than humans. If there were all atheists and no one else, would there even be a planet? Why would anyone wait to launch the doomsday bombs? Certainly no conscience would stand in the way. I wonder if any atheists have a nuclear arsenal. Perhaps our country does.
It is autumn, my favorite season. I know I mentioned it before, but now it has cooled down and it has become chilly outside. The kind of chilly that makes walks more enjoyable. Where you smell leaves and pine trees. Suddenly the days have gotten shorter and one can't help but to feel like going out at night. At night, I can walk and look at the black windows of all the dark houses, and keep my pace thinking about my life. I noticed I had stopped going on longer walks. The longer I walk, the more I should think.
A big fat full moon is rising above the eastern sky tonight. It looks ominous and at the same time quite beautiful. Somehow, it seems suspended, like a prop or a hovering object from some Ed Wood movie. I feel like laying under it naked and having cemetery nymphs trollop to me a squat on my penis while I look at the moon. It would be a fantasy for me to do that. I know I have weird fantasies but most of them involve women in cemeteries, wearing black silk gowns, and having big black eyes. No wonder I'm single.
I sensed I was alone from the time I awoke this day. Gray sky again and no sun in sight. It was a good day to get caught up on some of the chores so I did. I jammed some CDs and scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen. They were filthy but I had seen worse. I looked at my toilet. It was protruding out of the bathroom floor like some art deco sculpture. It has a snake like curve in the front that rises up into the bowl area and a stout tank. Only I could write about a toilet.
Enough about the short days and grayness of everyday life. November should be a month that could rival May or June. Those months get all the attention. It isn't fair. Out of the twelve months, only a few seem to get any recognition. May is all graduations and proms and summer begins after Memorial Day. In June, all the brides seem to get married. And it's vacation time. Ohboy! November gets a little notice because of a holiday or two. But it should be a lot like June. Filled with big red nipple fantasies and steamy kisses between amorous lovers.
I had another entry in mind while I was zoned out on what I was watching out the window of my work truck. I can't remember it now and I should keep my notebook handy for such occasions. It was something to do with me dating a bisexual woman. No, it was about walking into China. Seeking my way to the great wall. Or was it about being on a mountain. Fourteen Thousand feet up, above clouds and seeking my inner peace through some unknown method. Possibly some hippie drama playing out in my mind. Could have been them all.
With all of the men dying for our freedom and because the President has to secure multibillion dollar contracts for his minions in Iraq, I just wanted to try and write a decent remembrance of those men who's blood was spilled in honor of the land of the free. We have truly become the most hated country in the world with all of our arrogance and wealth. But we remain the saviors of the planet thus far. I suspect eventually internal grief will bring us down as we all fantasize about how it must have been to buttfuck Jessica Lynch.
Everything was out of sequence mentally today. With no one to casually direct my thought pattern, in a magnetic way, I was wasting energy, but managed to make it through another day without such benevolence. In other words, there wasn't shit to write about. I did my usual boring chores. Without guidance from some source, I am lost. Unable to direct my own thoughts in a productive way. Lazy nothing body. If I had some direction other than filling my time with useless acts like shopping, driving, eating, brooding, I could be on a path to a much happier existence.
I'm trying to keep my notebook with me at work. It makes me cringe though. There is so much to write about. I haven't enough time to write it all down. I should be smart and use the damn computer I'm saddled with. It looks like a suitable source for keeping my notes about everyday slices of life. I see so many hard luck people all day it really makes you wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on some of us or is this just random breeding technique. If it is Darwinism, then won't these poor people die?
I saw this man walking with a cane. He was disheveled and had missing teeth. He saw me staring at him and stopped to wave and say "how are you today?" I just waved back. He continued his walk among the dead. No one knew him. I saw him again today. He saw me and kept walking with his cane. His disheveled look reminded me of Henry Bukowski and the people he wrote of. I wondered if he had a woman and if she was like him. Some people die without ever being truly known. I will be like them.
I saw a comment on a crapper wall as I was pissing, it said " bodhisattva dressed in rags, gratefully offers his hands and feet to passers by." I thought a moment and wrote "In a consumer based society, no one cares." I thought my comment was negative at first, then I concluded it was just reality based. I have become a blind patron of society and its destructive ways. We build up ourselves to be a fierce fighting machine and then we succumb to the absurdity of it all. Money worship and financial gain. This Buddha saw through the stark materialism.
I felt good today, because the sun had reappeared. I felt like doing something fun, but had a shitload of work ahead of me. It is Sunday and I can't rest or relax. I should be finding a woman to share a nice Sunday afternoon with. Unusually alert for having slept less than eight hours. So I worked eagerly, only mentioning a brief greeting to neighbors and ignoring the dog's plea for a walk. (She was walked later, which I considered a chore). So I absolved a beautiful Sunday to take care of final meaningless chores before a work week.
I was in the shit part of the city today. Not the really bad shit, but bad enough. Lots of brothers walking around eating chinese food, wearing their pants down to their knees. I hope that fad passes. I saw not too many happy people and that along with the dour weather of constant gray and wet brought me to an uninspiring realization of depression. I fantasized about eating a bullet, recalling my feeble attempt twenty years ago to off myself. That was a failure but then so was I. Now I am a little worried I could actually succeed.
Black Betty and little Mary Jane walked along the darkening road in a late July evening. Hot was not the word for it, more like a slow simmerin' summer's night. Black Betty was thinking how she could stay cool while sleeping in the stifling house and concluded there was no way exceptin' to sleep outside on the porch but the bugs was a bitin' terrible. So the two girls came upon a cemetery. They walked around and saw one of those big long slabs all stretched out. They laid on it cuz it was big enuf for two and slept.
Boredom rules the day. Same routine of driving, coffee, working, nothing. I work hard at nothing, nothing is my profession. Just kidding myself I think. No purpose to get up and do anything except to wallow in my own shortcomings. There must be a purpose for all of this as it can't be just random events happening to achieve nothing. Nothing is nothing and therefore it is something. The frightening thing is I know I have no control over this. I could deny the existence of a society and stay indoors, in my home, never leave, never see anyone again.
I don't go back and look at my entries for 100words in previous months. I think that is not the person I am. I have done this with my own notebooks before 100words existed. I was washed over with a myriad of feelings in what I had read of myself. Some of it was not the person I thought I was. I know I am sometimes crass, surly and crude. Raw is a good term for my works. But I was reading some of my own love poetry, the absolute worst I could subject to anyone. It was another me.
Is this new Gay Marriage law going to change the sanctity of the family? I think the family was in trouble long before gays were given this right in Massachusetts. Think about the sheer pressure of a parent today. So much demand is made on them to make money in order to buy everything goddamn thing these parents need for their children. It's a scam. Everything costs so much if you have children. And everyone knows it. So why not destroy the family by way of putting them in a debt hell, slaves to the world of commercialism and avarice.
The hypocrisy continues. Another boost for the friends of the president. Nowhere does it say a president cannot show favoritism toward his own backers and monetary supporters. And as for criminals, like himself who just happen to get caught, they walk away after stealing and pillaging from people who trusted them. I know this sounds cynical and jaded. This is what I have become. No one would be interested in hearing about my thoughts because I have a big fucking chip on my shoulder about it all. But I for one, don't have a problem going to sleep at night.
I awoke to hear the rain slapping against the window and shot a look at the clock and it read 10am. Much work lie ahead for a Sunday. Being alone and living alone are two different things entirely. When you are ‘being alone' its by choice. You want to be away from others so you may have time to think. Time to process the things that are at the forefront of your mind. When you live alone, you experience a loneliness that no one can ever share. You see the dark house and empty rooms. Blame no one but thyself.
Another Monday. I keep thinking about immortality. I never think about the positive points of life it seems. I can be downright morbid too. This is a typical day. I wake go to work, return and walk the dog. To liven the day up, I might masturbate, which I plan to do later. My loins are more engorged than they have been of late. So that's the plan. I will read my email first, maybe write a few back. Submit my words for today and then hit the porno sites for a bit. Later, I will read a little while.
I had to write a parody of ‘keever's' entry I read today: We often visited father on Sundays because he usually worked when he could or worked an extra job to clothe and feed us. We would bring him dinner and visit. My sisters would stay near him and me and my brother would romp all over the warehouse. It was a cool place. Also, we rode the elevator which was the kind you had to operate yourself. Afterward, we would say goodbye. That was family day. Later in my life, I worked in the same building for seven years.
I was looking at a picture from my seventh grade class, taken in 1975. I was reminded of it today because I was working in my old neighborhood and I often thought it was a rough area then, but now, it's common to find someone murdered in an alley or whatever. The school I attended was still intact and it looks as ancient as it did when I went there. I remember gym class in the basement where dodge ball games and red rover were played. There were all these hot water pipes covered with asbestos. Painted a sickly green.
Part of the family made it a holiday today. Although there was some minor tension on my part. Also some members of the family won't speak to others, when in each other's presence. But we managed to have dinner without much incident. Some of the people played Christmas music and ate in the kitchen. So it was my pleasure to say grace. We thank thee Lord for what we are about to receive and bless everyone in the free world. And our troops overseas, was added by a family member. Then we gorged ourselves until we were fat with guilt.
The answer is in the real love in your heart. The answer is in being in love, with the inner person. We search all over the world, which could be our own backyards, for a love like the one we cherish. Some get married for bad reasons. Some fall in love with the superficial attributes of an individual. This is shit we already know. You can tell that people are unhappy in marriage when constant bickering is the norm. Then the kids are hurt and they are raised the same way. Perpetuate the dysfunctional human condition. And I want it.
Quietly she walks out to the darkness, only a flimsy night gown around her lithe body. Her hair is uncombed and blows to one side as she looks out to the darkness. It is calling her. She removes her robe, and her undergarment is just a silken short nightgown. She walks barefooted into the darkness, still unsure of her reasons. Finally, the short gown is discarded, slowly, and nothing is seen, in the darkness, nothing is known. Her soft pale skin cannot be seen. Her dark eyes cannot see. Her final step into the darkness reveals her desire to escape.
It is a ready made country. Nothing is for want if you know how to get it. Steal it, take it, fuck it, rape it, hurt it, kill it, just do it. Being bitter around this holiday season isn't going to help anyone at all. Being alone and contrite isn't going to change the face of society. Drinking all the booze in sorrow and pity will only make me that much more sorry the next day. So now, you go out Mister, and get that desirous thing you want so bad, and can't live without. You go succor the DREAM.
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