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12/01 Direct Link
I’m happy today. really happy.
which sort of scares the shit out of me cause I can’t really give a good reason as to why today is good. the word manic comes to mind. but I fight it off and think of (create) reasons as to why. is it cause I’ve had four days off from work, cause jeff is installing a gasline line (so I no longer have to pretend cook on electric), is it cause I’m redecorating the spare room (2 red walls and 2 gray walls – both VERY dark)?
I just don’t know why today is different.
12/02 Direct Link
I don't really have a lot to say today. well… I do but, I dunno, I won't get inot that.

today is cold. we got over a foot of snow last night but they still haven't turned the heat on, to our floor. the warmest room on the floor, is the refrigeration room. get that!

this is a busy week. I have quite a bit to do. I have to turn 29, for one thing. that's scary shit.

oh, by the way, fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
you never gave me a chance.
12/03 Direct Link
yesterday I saw the littlest old man. he has to be late 80’s or early 90’s. his face is so weathered and wrinkled. it reminded me of pictures you see of fishermen, centuries ago. skin, leathery and worn. I see him in the halls of the hospital. due to the route he takes, I assume he is visiting someone. he’s pretty mobile, albeit slow. he was seated and sipping something hot when I passed him yesterday.

if you are lucky enough to make eye contact though, his face just lights with a smile.

I hope I see him today too.
12/04 Direct Link
I can't stop crying. which is somewhat of a nuisance at work. it's annoying to those that have to deal with me and it's annoying to me. I hate birthdays and this is one more reason. he's made me feel crappy over the past sixteen hours. it so happens that we are going out for three evenings (parents, family, and friends) different nights. I'm left to felt as though I'm putting him out by making him do all this, saying on the phone, ‘yeah, I dunno, it's become a whole week thing, I guess'.

he is free to do whatever.
12/05 Direct Link
I once heard, A True Writer Writes.

I don’t think I could ever be more than a mediocre writer, at best. while it’s not my career, I enjoy my brief attempts at it. I guess that’s what counts. one of my goals though, before I leave this planet, is to write something meaningful. but as I read more, and even through this forum, I realize, I’m just not honest. not honest with my emtions and thoughts and therefore can never really excel. I’m so completely closed off, ever working to guard myself. it’s absurd and makes what I create dull.
12/06 Direct Link

damnit im late again

i cant get my ass out of bed

heres that bridge

i wonder if hes under there

very cold this morning

theres the sleeping bag

cant tell if hes in or not

i wonder if he has a jacket

i dont really need mine

i have others

where would i park

at the church i guess

wonder if hed like a cup of coffee

fuck thats stupid

i wonder if he has eaten

nearest place is a few blocks away

they dont have a drive through

im late already

im a copout

just like the rest

12/07 Direct Link
Chef’s, my favorite restaurahnt. Spaghetti parm. Yum. Beer , vodka. They took me out tonight. I had a great tiem. Danced my ass off. sue meet Andrew. If they get married,.shhe said I’ll be the maid of (shit, matron at this point) of honor (all my grilgriends have sisters, I’m screwed)(the best I could be is godmother). G, I think had fun consideringt. Danced with k. d stayed awhile considering pregnancy. Love k and c. w guy said I lo0k like a million $. Two complimentsn leather pants. Wasn’t going towear them but did. Love all and am really thankful.
12/08 Direct Link
it was late, and he was on the #9 train home. he wearily thought, ‘I only thought of her once today’. he looked over at the man curled up two seats across the way and wondered if he ever felt the warmth of love. the next few weeks would be hell, but with the amount of shit he had to do, they would provide plenty of diversions. he wondered what she had going on. lack of sleep was dragging, but he wanted to get up early to stop the café. once their favorite. maybe she’ll get up early tomorrow too.
12/09 Direct Link

“Would you like some fries to go with that shake?”

when I was 16, I worked at a bridal shoppe (shoppe not shop). I was the stock girl. I worked in the attic, basically by myself. at 16, that suited me just fine. all the gowns were stored upstairs and so it was my job to bring them downstairs for appointments and return them upstairs when complete. near the kitchen there was a long full length mirror. I used to sometime try to determine if I had a shake with my fries. to this day, I still don’t think so.
12/10 Direct Link

"And all the things I should have said
And all the letters left unsent
It was you and I
But mostly me"
Sugarcult – Lost In You

as i've become more lived, i've realized there were times in my life when i've shared that one last kiss/moment with someone. the bitter sweet irony in it, is that i didn't realize that, that moment had to last me an eternity. that, that person is forever and again unavailable to my touch.
things forgotten, or purposefully left unsaid…
left waiting til the next encounter...

so kiss every kiss like it's potentially your last.
12/11 Direct Link

Code Blue. Pediatric. First Floor. Room So-And-So.

as I was getting ready to leave work today, I heard the announcement over the PA. it’s a stat patient emergency. it’s just not fair, to see these little ones being pulled around the hospital in colorful stickered up wagons, dragging IV’s behind them, as if it were a puppy. they look so frail and drawn, so you have an idea of what treatments they’ve endured so far.

a bad day does not consist of forgetting your .65 $ for coffee.

as I exited the floor, my eyes welled.

it’s just not right!
12/12 Direct Link
my greyhound came from florida 2 ½ years ago. his racing career - obviously short (he is now 5). his slowness made him useless to the “industry”, and he became one of the fortunate ones put up for adoption. it amazes me to see how he has changed over the past few years. he now loves hugs (he’ll stand there all day) and realizes he doesn’t have to gulp his food down.

last night was another first…

He laid in my lap!
All 65 pounds.
He laid there til my feet went numb.
I didn’t have the heart to budge him.
12/13 Direct Link

it’ll be Kitty’s Café. it would be a classy brothel, featuring worldy ladies.

Felicienne - France
Gerda - Germany…

I suddenly recalled stories of my great-grandmother. Cactus Kate, they called her. she owned a store that specialized in this type of service. turns out, when I was a child, I was best friends with a girl who then lived in that very house. I always wondered why there were so many rooms upstairs. my friend once told me, “this used to be a store”. she only knew the half of it.

I admire her.

what’s that, about the apple and the tree?
12/14 Direct Link
It was approaching midnight by the time he reached his apartment door. As he put the key into the first lock, he remembered how he could hear her drop whatever she was doing. As the key entered the second lock, her footsteps running toward the door were faint but distinct. By the time his key twisted in the third, he would hear faint giggles and feel her resistance against the door. This time though, the door flew open, yet again, slamming the wall. The hole seemed to deepen wider everyday. Silence. He recalled how she never tired of that routine.
12/15 Direct Link
I told her a story

She stared at me in shock and disbelief, asking me why I hadn’t told her earlier.

I told her it wasn’t a big deal

She told me it was.

I told her that anyone put in the same position would have done the same thing

She told me I was too young to deal with that kind of responsibility.

I told her it taught me how to be independent and how to problem solve

She, again, disagreed with me.

I was a lot bolder when I was that age.

It seemed so normal to me.
12/16 Direct Link
café 59. my favorite spot (it deserves and will receive its own entry at some point). the ice cubes are perfect tiny squares. they make me giggle. I occasionally would wonder, what I would say to her if I ever saw her again. if it wasn't for the fact I walk with my head down, I would've seen her at 59 today. I was told she had to fight for everything she has. I don't think that gives her the liberty to be a wicked person. I was told, I was to succeed her. I wouldn't have lasted that long.
12/17 Direct Link
Part Two ...vomiting, her insides turned out. all liquid, hot. her arms entwined around herself, hoping to cease the chill that started to cringe down her spine. the liquid began to flow toward the alley, like piss off a wall. that's when she heard what she feared. footsteps. two people. two men. two voices. swift steps. shoes. mens leather soled shoes. she shrank and searched to claw for reality. her eyes slammed shut. her face distorted. think. thoughts. her mind still clouded. foggy. leather soled shoes. the alley grew darker. she sunk her nails into what consciousness she could find...
12/18 Direct Link
i was told that I am not key personnel and therefore I’m not included. my cheeks flushed. it's not a big deal in the scheme, but i was crushed all the same. everything being analyzed was generated by me. small minnow, big barrel. i'm not all high on myself, needing to see my name in print. the point - i 'don't count' and I heard it. going to grad school, i thought, i can make a difference. this is big. this is important. fish in a barrel. i have to keep in mind though that the larger fish are easier targets.
12/19 Direct Link
I thought a lot about it last night. I don't care about the abstract. {in fact, recently I updated my CV to include all these abstracts. I'm now taking them off. none of it is my work.} I'm really disturbed by what she said. I even became emotional about it. and no, I'm not pms'ing. if that's the case, what am I doing here and why do I care so much about what I do? I'm expendable, like a 17 year old mcdonalds worker. I always wondered about people with bad work attitudes. now I see where they come from.
12/20 Direct Link
3:00 AM. still awake. still staring at the ceiling. his room is pitch black except for the streetlight, which has partially illuminated the calendar hanging on the wall. he can see the date circled in red. it’s haunting him. it was weeks away and now it’s nearly upon him. quickly, he closes his eyes, but the beautiful images of her flash on his eyelids all the same.

he loved her and never told her.

and now the date is coming. with every gasping breath he could feel his heart crumbling further. Irretrievable pieces, lost within his being. floating, cracking evermore.
12/21 Direct Link
I’m… a lot of things today, but…

Today jimmy is coming in from phoenix. So that makes me happy. Jimmy was always very tall and very thin. 6’ 2”, 140 pounds. He told us a few nights ago, he gained 30 pounds. I can’t imagine it. He moved to AZ a few years ago. I can remember going out to dinner with him the night before he left. Ten people all crying and eating pizza. It’s funny now. He’s doing great there though and will never move back. I’m glad he is happy and doing well. That’s the important thing.
12/22 Direct Link


sue, '...nobody is happy working. I never expected to be happy in what I do. ...we work in order to live...'.

we spend so many of our waking hours working, how can we NOT pursue a career that will promote happiness?

"Your conception of your happiness is your conception of how you think it would be best for your life to go on the whole, including all the valuable elements that you hope will (comprise) your life."
~Aristotle

perhaps our gift of conception and rationale has generated this endless search for happiness. the basic idea no longer includes the mere shelter and food.
12/23 Direct Link

light note
we are eating snacks all day today. I’m wearing a kids target shirt with a snowman on it and I have my elmo socks on. they make me giggle. I like the word giggle. I like to type the word giggle.

dark note
I found out yesterday that a patron of the bar I used to work at, died of an overdose. I knew his whole family from working there. he was 2 years older than me. their household was secure and loving. it’s sad. I need to call the bar. I’m detached and feel awful for Z’s.
12/24 Direct Link
I believe, ‘no expectations’. After a few galsese of wine, I thought… why? I expressed this evening, ‘I’d love to be a photographer’. Response, ‘well, that would be difficult’. It’a a matter of interpretation, I suppose. it’s comparable to my dads statements to me, long ago. I modeled when I was younger and he’d say, ‘well, ya know there aren’t many brooke shields out there’. Was he setting a pillow for my fall or holding tight to my ankle? Some would use this as motivation to excel. I think it’s led me to believe, that no one belives in me.
12/25 Direct Link
I remember the Big Talk I received in sixth grade. I was horrified what was going to happen to my body. My tomboy image would be thrashed, having to carry around a purse with diapers in it. The thought of a purse was agitating to me. I was appalled and shocked looking at the seemingly cartoon style book. It was one year later, 16 years ago today, that I entered into womanhood as I know it. I was terribly sick. I could not budge. I remember my mom saying, ‘Merry Chirstmas’ with a huge sentimental smile. I was absolutely unamused.
12/26 Direct Link
recently I’ve been trying to define what happiness is. I understood today. it was a frail, fleeting moment. you can be told how to obtain happiness, but that’s hard to except when you are used to living your life a certain way. I rely on others far too much. I felt what it was like to trust in me. just for a moment though. it was scary, but it felt different. there are no words to explain the difference. if you’ve felt it, you know what I’m talking about. I’m morphing without the luxury of a cocoon. not so pretty.
12/27 Direct Link
my head is still foggy from wine last evening. jimmy’s girlfriend came into town. nice dinner. nice time. I like her. she’s very likable. I know he really loves this one. jimmy is a bit of a …. vain egg, for a man, that is. I took a picture of him years ago with zit cream on and a biore patch. we then turned it into a screen saver on their PC. he was so angry, he couldn’t get it off. yesterday he asked us to bring out the picture to show her. I think he really loves this one.
12/28 Direct Link
‘The city… somehow it seemed belonged to them’, he thought. We made it ours. They knew every inch of those streets and every inch knew them. And now only ghosts and shadows remain, as if he were watching random scenes torturously being replayed over and over in his mind. The city was now blanketed in snow, some mocking twist of what they once knew. It was the same… but not. It was dirty from soot and mud being splashed about., and everything was dead. That comforted him. But spring would be here soon enough, and the daffodils will again bloom.
12/29 Direct Link
Part Three
...She heard it. Pinned between the dumpster and the shit stained wall. Trapped. Men's leather soled shoes. She heard it, she heard them, she was remembering. She forced to hear it again. Her heart shattered. The tragedy replayed. There was nothing she could do to stop it. They kept talking. her stomach wretched, she fought the second round of vomit. Cower. It was too late. The god's forced her to listen to every vile word spoken, not allowing her to flinch, blink, cry, run, scream or the decency of allowing her to put her hands over her eyes...
12/30 Direct Link
Part Four
...Starting to blank out, she remembered walking past Macy's showing her daughter the store fronts. Giggling at the polar bears in the window. Leather soled shoes. She kept moving. Quickly. So did they. More than one. She'd stop. They'd stop. She'd move. They'd move. It all happened so fast. One man grabbed her and one grabbed Devon.

~No matter what they did to me, I kept my eye on her.
~He awkwardly held her tight.
~Too tight.
~She wasn't squirming.
~She kept her eye on me.
~I remained calm, hoping to keep her quiet.
~I tried to smile...
12/31 Direct Link
Part Five

~ ...I wanted her back.
~It was too late.
~I kept smiling but she sensed it.
~She starting to scream.
~It happened so fast, she was broken.
~I went insane.
~He hesitated one moment, weakness.
~He should have killed me simultaneously.
~I wish he would have.
~I clawed and bit and scratched and pulled and took her and ran.
~I was too late, I should have fought sooner.
~Her limp body laid next to me.
~Broken and bloody, behind a dumpster.
~I vomited as quietly as I could.
~It flowed away.
~leather soled shoes.
~went away.

The End.