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BY Kupka

08/01 Direct Link
Feel that rush?
Mixing of blood, hormones and memories
Feel it in the chest, at first
Starting from where the heart could be
Radiating out from there
To the brain
To the genitals
Warm
A tingle verging on a light burn
Then a mellowing
Through out the torso
Electric through the brain
Nothing lost in transmission to the grey matter
Sharp, intense,
Hard
Convince yourself you don't feel it
But, the rush returns
Again the blood, the hormones and the memories
The fire rushing through the body
Up, down
Wanting it to stop, but
Not wanting it to ever end
08/02 Direct Link
Here is Kupka so pleased with how things are going along.
The experiment is going as planned, doctor!
The ability to show vulnerability, yet hide so that no one will know the facts from the fiction. It is progressing along all hypothesized points.
BUT&
Kupka blows it! Gives away the nom de plume. Lets slip the ribbons of the mask.
The experiment may be contaminated or compromised, doctor.
Oh Kupka, how could you commit such a betrayal?
There is a weakness there, an opening for shame, judgment and criticism.
Do we abort, doctor?
Kupka, this could be an interesting wrinkle.
08/03 Direct Link
Saint Who?

I stared at saints and learned:

St. John the Baptist was beheaded.
His head was part of a performance piece by Salome for Herod.

St. Peter was crucified.
Didn't do it the normal way, no sir! Upside down was how he went.

St. John the Apostle they tried to make him fry in oil.
Miracle, he survived to old old age.

St. Matthew, now where did he go?
Nobody seems to know. Wrote and left.

St. Luke is confusing.
Did he die early or did he live on? No crucifixion or boiling oil for him, that's for sure.

08/04 Direct Link
As a child visiting my grandparents, my grandfather sat at the head of the table. My sister and I sat to either side of him. My side was always at his right hand.

In between the main course and dessert, my grandfather would usually say something about his age, with his sixty years seniority over me.

His hands fascinated me. The backs were run with tendons and defined blue veins just under tanned skin. I played with them. I wanted to pierce them. Letting the blood run out of them.

Someday my hands will look much the same as his.
08/05 Direct Link
No way to fight you on this.
Count me out.
I'm in like sin.
I can see your green side,
You can see mine.
If you feed the green, it will grow.
Overwhelming, isn't it?

Once there was honesty.
It is still there.
You put in walls,
Sound-proof walls.
I can't yell through them.
The truth is here.
Please, I want you to see it.

Hide your head.
Play the deadman.
I cling to you.
For what? Your love?
Lies aren't good for me.
Became a good liar recently.
Didn't want it this way.

Learned from the best, I guess.
08/06 Direct Link
I didn't sign up for this shit.
I refuse to participate.
Never been a joiner.
I'm becoming one against my will?

I realize I know nothing.
Fumble in the dark until you learn.
I was never good at that fumbling thing.
Is there a course? A handout?

After thousands of years you'd think they'd teach a class!
I am a joiner.
How do I resign from this club?
I'm a terrible member and the dues are too high.

Others must have dropped out.
They're in some countercultural outlet.
I didn't sign up for this shit.
And I refuse to participate.

08/07 Direct Link
S: Do you remember me?
M: Of course! We had that wonderful affair two life-times ago.
S: You remember. It was beautiful. I never got over you. Do you know the torture I've been through?
M: It effected your reincarnation?
S: Did it? They reincarnated me as your cat.
M: That was you? No wonder I felt such a strong connection. You were lovely, by the way.
S: Sitting on your lap. Being able to lay beside you naked. Never being able to physically connect with you like I had. And how could I get past you having me neutered?
08/08 Direct Link
Hi! Yes. I'd like to have a passionate love affair, please?

What do you think this is, some kind of Monty Python sketch? Do you think you can just come in to my store and ask for a passionate love affair? I don't deal in that type of product.

What do you mean? I've had several friends who have come to you for love affairs. They say you are the best. The absolute best.

I tell you again, I don't do that here. You have come to the wrong place!

Oh. How disappointing. Well, thanks for nothing!

[Whew. Bad candidate.]
08/09 Direct Link
Kupka has a hangover. Not the usual post-alcohol binge type, but the other kind. It is the this is the rest of your life, where nothing happens hangover. The boredom hangs over every aspect of life.

Work, work, work, for what? Kupka is tired of consuming. Money is rather a boring pursuit.

Learning how to play is the key, or so Kupka's been told. Adult play is much different from childhood play. Kupka is learning how to play. Different play requires different people. Kupka needs friends to play with.

Can you come out and play with me? Please, oh please?
08/10 Direct Link
Ode to Joe

My dearest additiction is Joe
He fills me in the morning. Makes me go
Warm comfort with that magic kick

Oh that Joe, don't cha know
He's my guy. I can't deny
Oh that Joe, don't cha know

My sweetest love is Joe
Keeps me company when I'm alone
Sweet Joe. Sugar and cream, that's Joe

Oh that Joe, don't cha know
He's my guy. I can't deny
Oh that Joe, don't cha know

My long-time friend is Joe
A day without him I could not go
Once or twice is oh so nice, from Joe

08/11 Direct Link
The other night I didn't get a chance to finish what I had to say about that story. For me, it isn't about the S&M. It is all about the deepest trust. It is knowing that what ever the trusted person has planned for you is for your pleasure and theirs.

They love you so deeply that they would do anything for you. You would submit in return. With that level of trust there is still fear, but that fear is managed, comforted by the trust in the other person. In the end she dies because love and trust ceases.
08/12 Direct Link
I am jealous.
I am not jealous.
I am envious.
I am not envious.
I am lonely.
I am not lonely.
I am a sad.
I am not sad.
I can play happily by myself.
I can't play happily by myself.
I love you.
I don't love you.
I hate you.
I don't hate you.
I can do this alone.
I can't do this alone.
I will do this again.
I won't do this ever again.
I should be working.
I shouldn't be working.
I am here.
I am not here.
I am paying attention.
I am not paying attention.
08/13 Direct Link
People should know eloping is a better idea. A quickie thing in the afternoon at city hall is all ya need. You get odd looks when you say aren't registered anywhere. You don't want gifts. People look at you funny when you say We're doing it for legal reasons. Should it only be about love? No one thinks about love with a divorce. Hurt. Anger. It is all about a legal separation. Might as well acknowledge the legality of the whole thing. It is a legal contract with someone else. People never want to hear about being dispassionate in love.
08/14 Direct Link
The most annoying noises are the ones you can't escape.
Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive.
The drilling. The vibrations.
The drilling. The vibrations.
Noise. Noise. N O I S E!
These ain't those good vibrations.
There is no mask.
I am frazzled and upset.

[Pause]

Momentary stops. Lapses. They make the continuations worse.
When will it stop? Make it STOP! S T O P!
It goes on for days.
My tensions have build and there is no outlet.
Let me out.
Grant me peace.
My mental state has diminished to barely surviving.
Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive.
N O I S E!
08/15 Direct Link
The most annoying noises are the ones you can't escape.
Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive.
The drilling. The vibrations.
The drilling. The vibrations.
Noise. Noise. N O I S E!
These ain't those good vibrations.
There is no mask.
I am frazzled and upset.

[Pause]

Momentary stops. Lapses. They make the continuations worse.
When will it stop? Make it STOP! S T O P!
It goes on for days.
My tensions have build and there is no outlet.
Let me out.
Grant me peace.
My mental state has diminished to barely surviving.
Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive.
N O I S E!
08/16 Direct Link
He saw in her things that were missing. Things he always wanted to have. What he needed. She understood him. His struggles. Touching his cheek made it all alright for a while.

He could never explain the internal things. If you weren't his, he couldn't trust you fully. That is the way it went with everyone. He knew he would always be the other. An outsider trying to look in, in facination. A kiss. She always gave him a kiss.

Please don't touch me tonight, he thinks. I'll be forced to give in, if you do. She knows and understands.
08/17 Direct Link
Prediction

I'll watch you die some more tonight. There will be nothing I can do to stop it. Watching fascinated and sad by what is revealed and what isn't.

I hate watching you die. It is the most painful process I've ever experienced. Yet, I am helpless to help it along. You must run your course to the logical conclusion. There can be only the end, nothing more.

I've resigned myself to this fate. To watching death slowly creep before me, would that I could stop it. Would that I could illuminate the process for others. Show them your death.
08/18 Direct Link
I found myself seated at a picnic table, looking out at a park. Under the shade of a tree, with dirt under my bare feet, an old homeless black woman comes up to me. I am fascinated with the lines in her face, their creases filled with dust, dirt, sweat.

She holds out a container. It's shrimp gumbo, she says. Here. Have some. Them shrimp were caught right here in Georgia. Got'em right off the trawlers.

I know I can't eat what is in the container. I miss seeing the trawlers, I tell her. She knows my fascination with boats.
08/19 Direct Link
My mistakes. All these mistakes. Would that I could change everything with a snap of my fingers.
My stomach is sick from my mistakes.
My eyes water, tears slipping down my face, from my mistakes.
On Saturday I may make the biggest mistake of my life. Or, perhaps I made that mistake six years ago.
To love someone you can never have is such a mistake.
To be with someone you don't love enough is such a mistake.
Fixing my mistakes is harder than making them.
Not being able to live with myself would be the biggest mistake of all.
08/20 Direct Link
Your lips are on mine. They feel perfect. Beautiful. When they are gone, there is only emptiness. I want to cry, but in public I never do. I've always felt this way, from the first kiss, to our last. This is the answer to the why.

You fingers intertwined with mine. They belong there. Never letting go. When they do the emptiness is much too much. I can't bring myself to grab your hand again. It isn't right to be without them. This is the answer to the why.

Why I sit alone. Why I can't see you any more.
08/21 Direct Link
Lying in bed. 4 am.
The worries of the day pass through my semi-consciousness.
I haven't done right by you.
Mom always said, Treat people as you'd like to be treated.
I don't feel I've been doing that.

Nighttime sitting at the lake.
I wanted to be there all night.
White and blue lights in the darkness.
Even with those others around, watching us kiss.
I wanted your fingers again.

The broken record will spin again.
Working out all that my head holds.
I wonder what you think.
Asking your opinion is just too much right now.
I'm wanting you.
08/22 Direct Link
It started with a guy flipping me off. Going to change lanes, he was going faster than I thought. Slowing along the right hand side my car he's been leaning on his horn, much longer than needed, flips me the bird, then accelerates away.

When the boss called to offer me criticism, it wasn't constructive. Was I defending myself from the earlier slight, or from the one power tripping in my ear? For the first time in my professional life, I defend. I am the fighter rebuffing the attack. My training pays off. Perhaps I'll be fired although I'm right.
08/23 Direct Link
The story begins with a fluke. They sat us together, back-to-back in the cubical farm. Lent you Delillo. I remember on my second last day you touched my hair, yet you didn't see the similarity until the second time around.

You had a card for me. Congratulations on your retirement! I don't think the others found it funny. I laughed. Your face fell when I said I didn't want to go to my own wake. You kindly walked me there. I drunkenly flirted with you.

You kissed my cheek when I left. My cheek burned all the way home.
08/24 Direct Link
I pat myself on the shoulder as I cry in frustration.
For the first time, I stand up for my decisions and myself.
My stand will get me fired.
I get a much needed vacation.
My stand won't get me fired.
Confrontation leaves me feeling weak. Doubting my abilities.
I'm good at my job. I do good work.
The problem belongs with the one instigating the fight.
Did I express myself clearly? Why are my answers not good enough?
Who is unreasonable? You can't claim that I am.
It is all smoke and mirrors bullshit that you are putting forth.
08/25 Direct Link
Passing

All my fear has left me.
In the moment that you didn't pick up the phone, I knew&
Tomorrow will be my wedding day.
Don't forget the toothbrushes.
Is there enough gas in the car?
Eros has two good short films and one not so good.
My cat trusts me.
I should pack another pair of shoes.
The dishes won't get done. Oh well!
You are pinning your thoughts on me.
Would you look at the time!
Mmmm! Cold pizza!
I won't feel guilty.
I don't want to make any more decisions.
Hi! You're home. We should get going.
08/26 Direct Link
I said the clichÃÆ'©d I do, and the lawfully married because I had to to make it legal.

What meant the most was what you and I said next:

I promise to love and care for you, respecting and honouring you as an individual. I will try in every way to be worthy of your love. I will always be honest with you, kind, patient and forgiving. I want to take time to listen and share, to laugh and cry with you. But most of all, I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you. I love you.
08/27 Direct Link
In the background the shopping network was on the TV. Would I want to buy a computer?

I was lying on our hotel room bed. Warm and secure, half asleep on the feather pillows, your arms around me. I didn't hear the knock at the door. Maybe I didn't want the peace that I was feeling to be disturbed.

I'm here to turn down your bed.
That's okay. We're fine, really.
Would you like these?
Yes. Thank you.

You come back to bed. We resume our positions. Now, selling jewelry with Joan Rivers, my peace is disturbed but not broken.
08/28 Direct Link
There are men at the door. Drunken, noisy men, who want to enter this room, with this bed. I know not how many. They bang at the door. They jangle the doorknob.

What do they want? Me.

I press my back against the door. I am using all my strength to keep them out. That should hold them.

One pushes and opens the door, ever so slightly.
What to do?

I piss on the floor. Not in fear, but a deliberate act. Marking my territory. This room is mine. You can't come in. They are not welcome in my room.
08/29 Direct Link
Like something out of a bad dream, this room is. A nightmare. The terrible green light pervades every corner of the room. It is a bad acid trip from an old-time hospital, where all the rooms are painted sickly green. I think of chartreuse and absinthe. These are kinder mind benders than the green light.

This is the kind of light that could very quickly remove all traces of sanity.

What really bends the mind is the after effects. Leave the room and all is a pepto bismol pink. It coats the walls and the floors with red wine vomit.
08/30 Direct Link
Today is the life of Saint Catherine. Oh, she of the Catherine wheel. Here the beheadings are bloodless. She is a lifeless body with a circular stump. Her head, with long blond hair, is just off to one side. Poor dear, that Faustina, she wouldn't convert. Catherine convinced her that Christianity was the way to go.

Catherine convinced the scholars too. They were burned in a mass pyre for their belief in Jesus.

An angel with a mighty sword breaks the torture wheel and frees Catherine, while her persecutors watch in disbelief.

I wish for strong beliefs. They escape me.
08/31 Direct Link
Believe this:

It was the images, you see. They didn't know what Jesus looked like. He was young. Okay! Did he have a beard or no beard? Let's try it both ways. Long hair or short hair?

I stopped believing when I found out that a committee at one of the Vatican councils (the earliest one) designed Jesus. They did Mary and Joseph too. They set out all the formulas for representation, the colour of clothing, poses and all the other iconography.

If the images I was presented with weren't true, what else were they trying to get past me?