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BY Kupka

10/01 Direct Link
The domestic feline is a creature of habit, of routines. In relation to food and its consumption:

Kibbles, how ever dull they may be, month after month, must be consumed around the time that the other territorial inhabitants consume their food.

New kibbles must be served on or around late afternoon or early evening, depending on the amount of available day light.

At the discression of the one in charge, wet chow shall be available. On hearing the distinct clinking of the bowl the domestic feline will identify this as the time that the chow should be served.
10/02 Direct Link
Look ahead. Coming this way an ambulance with lights flashing. The light changes to yellow. Brakes and tires screech. Jolting to a stop. Check review mirror... Wa-bam!

Woman in a big black SUV rolls down her window. I do likewise. "Did I hit you?" "Yes, I think you did. Pull in to the gas station...?" "Okay."

She didn't see the light or ambulance. She was late and meeting her husband and son. Seeing the ambulance, I didn't run the yellow.

For all this, the result is a fallen box and a scrape in my bumper.
10/03 Direct Link
There will always be someone else for you. Getting to know someone new. This I know and understand. Conversely, I won't be looking for another. In the past I've always been content with who I was with, not searching for another. I like to feel comfortable with people. Searching others out is too nerve wracking, most often a waste of time and effort. I hate getting little return on my investments.

I had no designs on you, though some did develop later. They are slowly slipping away to the rhealm of unrealized hopes. Do you know and understand?
10/04 Direct Link
A text or a picture. These are displays of the thoughts in my head. Brilliant ideas, they are not. Keen observations, not likely. My grey matter creates them, my hands act as the translators. Something always gets lost in the space between my mind and my fingers.

The text lacks something. The lines are not as acute. My translators are imprecise. There is finesse to capture what is said in one language and make it feel the same in another. Its a labour of love.

Go easy on your translators. They labour for the love of your work.
10/05 Direct Link
Some days I want to loosen these ropes. Other days, I want to tie them tighter. Today, I would make them disappear.

It is only a matter of time before they disappear completely. The spell exists within this book. The vellum pages and thick gilded cover have been with me since birth. The index and table of contents was lost centuries ago. Some of the script I've learned to read, some I sound out phonetically. Thousands of pages must be reviewed. Incorrect spells have been cast. There are still more to recite, before I find the correct incantation.
10/06 Direct Link
The world is much bigger than this little world of mine. Escaping it is one of the hardest things to do. The four walls in my head keep me focused inward. Blinders on an eye that longs to look out and experience new and different things.

The blinders and walls are there by my own doing. Keeping in and out those who I want to know and not know what is going on here.

The wisdom is to write what you know. Draw what's in front of you. My imagination slowly gets in to shape. Patience, have patience.
10/07 Direct Link
I would attack life with a hacksaw. Massacre it with brutal violence. Rend it limb from limb. Bloody innards littering the room. Head to toe coated with the gore.

I would be the bull in the china shop. Nothing would be safe from my horns, my flanks, my hooves. Smash it all to smithereens. Feel the small white shards in my skin, while the blood trickles.

I would don the mask of the executioner. Exhault in the procession to the chair. Relish in the slow closing of the straps and chains. Cackle loudly as the switch is thrown.
10/08 Direct Link
unhappiness + dissatisfaction

Just don't give a fuck today.
Snappy insults are my forte.
Not really meaning what I say.
Leave me alone and all will be okay.

I'm a moody moody crab, and how!
Haven't you learned that by now.
Don't mind the furls of my brow.
Not the last time, I can vow.

Beware my dual claw,
Opens, closes like a jaw.
Go through you like a saw,
Sadly not my only flaw.

Perhaps I should go on holiday.
Leave it all behind, I say.
Until then, stay out of my way.
All is focused on my dismay.

10/09 Direct Link
When I looked around we were the only white folks in the Asian grocery store. Shopping only by image. I bought some green tea, but I can't tell you the brand, my computer isn't set up for Japanese kanji. Even then I can't tell the brand name from the rest of the label information.

Ever have this?
What is that?
I think it is lycee.
No, it is taro.

Durian fruit smells like ass. Mangosteens are too expensive at this time of year. Sometime I gotta try that bright red bell fruit. I hear it tastes much better than apples.
10/10 Direct Link
I met you in a darkened house. The light kept out by the massive trees on the property. Unfamiliar territory to me, but you seemed at home there. Were there rooms behind those doors? You led me to the one with the most light, still everything was in shadow.

When someone familiar entered I hid behind a bedroom door. He wasn't to see me here. What was he doing here? He knew to find me here with you. Neither one of you was bothered by the presence of the other. I was on my guard. Wary of both of you.
10/11 Direct Link
Nonchalant

In matters where things aren't quite kosher, try to be agreeable. Keep your head down. Blend with the crowd. Go with the flow.

Rocking the boat, you run the chance that you'll get caught. Descression is the better... yadda yadda, you should know the rest. Abide by the rules that you can. You'll last much longer in the game.

Stick your neck out; you'll get your head taken off. Your ass will be out the door faster than you think. Cover blown.

And sister you blew it today. I'll surely wave as you leave. Good riddance to bad neighbours.
10/12 Direct Link
Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

Do you know where X is?
Yes. Go right, then right again.
[pause]
Thanks.

Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

Do you have a stapler?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[click]
Thanks.

How was your day my love?
Oh, you know. Same as always. Lots of similar requests.
Do we have any snacks?
Yes, here.
[pause]
[crinkle]
Thanks.
10/13 Direct Link
Here's to my grandfather on his ninety-first birthday.

To his chain smoking,
To his affairs,
To his generosity,
To his drinking,
To his chauvinism,
To his love
To his controlling ever member of our family,
To his success in business,
To his encouragement!

Funny, I knew him in only a few of these capacities. Some were unknown to me until a few years ago. He no longer remembers my name. There was always a hug for me. I was told I was special. He always smelled like cigarettes, even after he stopped smoking.

I love him. I miss him deeply.
10/14 Direct Link
My world has flooded. The high ground and the tallest buildings are the only safe places. Sitting with my sketchbook on my lap, I'm drawing everything outside the window. The water, the buildings submerged and submerging. I capture the waves crashing on a former office building. My eye is drawing to a tower as it leans and slips slowly in to the water. Temporarily, another building holds it up, as it falls.

My building starts to teeter, sounds of water rushing in. Running for the elevator, I've forgotten my purse, my identification. I've remembered my sketchbook. My world is changing.
10/15 Direct Link
On rare occasions I let my mind wander down this path. Tonight, I'm feeling lonely. Gonna wander farther than I have before. Put it all down for the record. I really believed that you loved me. You made me think that you felt a deep love for me. You don't. You didn't. Does it hurt to hear?

You'll tell me that you care deeply about me. You'll tell me that we're friends. I believe both of those things are true. But, before was just false, wasn't it? I was just something different. Different than what is at home. It hurts.
10/16 Direct Link
Out in the dirt parking lot, the rain had left behind large ruts full of dirty water. Dressed all in white clothes, I fell down. I knew had to look perfect for the presentation I was going to give. The best impression meant everything.

Lying in the muddy water, I struggled to get up, but I was hardly able to lift my face to breathe. My clothes were sodden. The more I struggled, the harder it was to get up. Relaxing, I was able to rise easily.

I walked to my car, terrified of the impression I would present later.
10/17 Direct Link
Where was the white cat that usually appears in my dream states?

Last night, he was no where to be found. Instead, on my lap, in my arms, was a cat of a different colour, both sleek and dark. What I thought was black was dark forest green. It focused its attention on me, refusing to see any of the other dream characters in the room. None of the other cats would come near me. It was as if this cat had some how indicated to them that I was its prize. It owned me.

Where was my white cat?
10/18 Direct Link
You say I am only seeing the negative of one situation and the positive of the other. I can't give you all the facts. The truth behind my tears you can never know. In some ways you are completely right.

At the time I needed to get out. In distancing myself I was able to hide my self destruction. I was able to save you and I. The karma worked for me at that time. It may work for me at this time also, but I can never tell until the decision is made.

We will know all soon enough.
10/19 Direct Link
This infectious cloud hangs from above my head through to my lower abdomen. Walking outside, the wind temporarily blows it behind me.

Sleep comes for a few hours, but disappears at the slightest noise. The foggy cloud keeps it from returning right away.

Make it stop.

Nothing stops the ache in my belly. Tension ripples across my shoulders, lodging in my chest.

I can't take it. Distractions should provide relief. Radio and television momentarily occupy my mind. Nothing keeps the cloud away for long.

Relief will only take time. Just a few words from the right person. A trifle, really.
10/20 Direct Link
My cheeks burn red. Those around me stare and point. They point at ME.

It is all because of that man.

I've dreaded him for years. Knowning one day he would show up. Knowing that one day I'd be in this situation. Reddened face.

The bicycle bell sounds twice. That man, he rides a bicycle. Shiny red, to be precise.

Fraud. Fraud. Nothing original or special about Kupka.

Kupka, most derivative. Don't give a second look to this dishonest liar. Not worth your time.

The bicycle bell sounds twice. That man rides off. Leaving me with a shiny red face.

10/21 Direct Link
I'm just being a baby about the whole thing. Fuck, I find life tough right now. This has been a week of shit. I broke down and cried when the toilet over flowed this morning. Sure, I picked up the mop. Got rid of all that water. Clean things up.

Is that the fucking lesson of this week?

I feel brutalized, yet, I haven't been. My mind is fighting a war only with itself. Not a stalemate, just a tug of war. Back and forth.

Mercy! Mercy!

There is no mercy. We are merely at the mid-point in the battle.

10/22 Direct Link
We'll pretend there is a friendship here. I'll pretend everything is alright.
Great. Fine. I'll pretend the same.
So, you aren't pretending?
I am if you are. Are you?
Everything is good. All is well between us.
Yes. Great and fine.
I'm not so sure you're being honest. Are you pretending?
I am if you are.
I don't know if I am. I can't tell any more.
But that is perfect. I'm totally getting you. So, we can have that friendship?
Sure. Great. Fine.
Can we be friends or not?
Some days yes. Some days no.
Um. Okay. Fine. Great.
10/23 Direct Link
Today, dispite my blues, despite my insecurities, my love was there.

She was ready and waiting for me. I pounced. Took full advantage of her in the opportunities that presented themselves.

My reward was her beautiful responses. We created something beautiful today. More than once. More than twice. She lasted all of my day.

Here she is again, in my evening. Ready for more. While I am almost spent, she is calling to me again. I embrace her once more. She has great fickleness for me. I am afraid she will be gone once sleep comes.

I come my love.
10/24 Direct Link
At that moment, running through my mind was the question; why did we buy this house? It wasn't anything that I wanted. Designed in the 60's it was still decorated in those motifs, baby blues, large glass windows and wood paneling.

I was expecting Betty Crocker or that gal from the Brady Bunch to come waltzing out of the kitchen in matching apron and oven mitts. She'd be carrying a silver tray with celery filled with cheese whiz and raisins.

The furniture, where had it come from? It wasn't ours or was it? Had we bought the house fully furnished?
10/25 Direct Link
I dreamed last night that I was at a party. As we were leaving, I was offered a cigar. The shiny metal case had several different types, short and fat, long and narrow, yet all the same tobacco brown colour.

Randomly I chose one, and bit the end off it. The taste of butter and tobacco flooded my mouth. Looking at the cigar, it was nothing like the others I had observed in the case. It was darker, black in spots and irregular.

When I woke the realization came, it wasn't a cigar I'd been given, but a dog turd.
10/26 Direct Link
How to know when your boss doesn't like you:

Doesn't try to get to know you
or
Doesn't want to know anything about you

Stops meeting with you,
and
Stops emailing you, unless absolutely necessary

Doesn't acknowledge you
or
Pretends you don't exist

Invites you to speak at a lunch meeting
but,
doesn't ask you, afterward, to join those eating lunch

Glares at you
or
Doesn't smile when passing in the hall

Thinks you are sub-human
or
Thinks you are sub-intelligent

It all shouldn't matter. It is just a job. Right? Right? You tell yourself that, but it doesn't help.
10/27 Direct Link
What interested you in a woman like that?

I first met her when I worked for an HR consulting firm owned by a neighbour. He was helping us both out when we didn't have other work. Her sons were in and out of school. She needed help in all areas of her life. When I joked with her she laughed.

Was there chemistry between the two of you, at that time?

Yes, even fifteen years ago, I felt an attraction for her. I'm not sure, but I think she may have been trying to get something going with the neighbour.
10/28 Direct Link
How did things progress between the two of you?

We'd go out for a smoke or a coffee break and talk about our families, our problems.


I do not know what happens next in this conversation. When does a friendship shift to an affair for this case. I would love to know the answer. What I do know:
It lead to her divorce first. Years later, he will divorce also.
Some people knew about this relationship, some didn't. Some key players choose to deny that it existed, but have dealt with it. And some still deny it to this day.
10/29 Direct Link
One of the questions I was asked was what would your ideal job be?

Well, shit on toast, I thought this was my ideal job, but obviously I'm looking for something else because as it turns out, it ain't!

Foremost on my mind is that this is a stupid question akin to asking who your ideal life-partner would be. The characteristics you list will never all be fulfilled. At times none of your list of ideals will be present.

So then, what's baking my noodle is, what would my ideal job be?

To start, I have no fucking idea. None.
10/30 Direct Link
Do you remember a time when the local church spire was the high point in a town? There were no buildings taller.
No. And neither do you.

Do you think the next ice age will arrive next week? Snow and ice as far as the eye could see.
No. And neither do you.

Do you think we'll buy a hover car sometime? We'd float above all the other traffic.
No. And neither do you.

Do you think we'd be good parents? Our children would be intelligent and well adjusted.
No. And neither do you.
Hey, I can dream! Can't I?
10/31 Direct Link
She looked in to my room. Her long hair hung down, looking black in the dark hallway. I hadn't seen her wear that long white silk night gown in a long time. Her face held a faint smile. I knew she was just making sure I was sleeping well.

"Mom."
(silence)
"Mom?"
(silence)

She waves at me.
"Mom?"
I blink and she's gone.

"Mom, what were you doing up last night? Do you usually look in on me?" I asked.
"Honey, I slept through the night. Didn't even get up to pee."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."

Then who was she?