05/01 Direct Link
My mind does not allow itself to rest that often. It is a constant battle to prod and poke myself into becoming something more than the average, some "special" girl who will not find satisfaction in a simple and content life (even if that is what I am truly meant for.) I convince myself that wanting to find love, being a wife and a mother is not enough… and yet, when I was twelve and would consider such things it was enough. Has feminism robbed me of even my most primitive feminine instincts; To nest, to love, to bear children?
05/02 Direct Link
Working Retail: She makes the sales clerks cower, her eyes rolling, hands on hips, racks pushed and shoved. "I don't wear pink or anything across my boobs." She snidely remarks to me. My associate stretches a smile, while I long to fling myself across time and space and beat the bitch out of her. Her brother leans against my counter and silently rolls his eyes and sighs. I can tell that he is no longer embarrassed by her loud episodes. 45 years of her "telling it like it is" has created a blind eye and deaf ear towards her insanity.
05/03 Direct Link
I wish my bones would cave in and I would just slide inside of myself. One large puddle of Rachel lying about on the ground. My eyes and ears would not see or hear anything that would make me jealous or cry. It would only be my thoughts and me, slowly meditating my life away, watching life pass me by without concern. I could just lay there resting silently, not worrying if anyone would think I'm worthy enough to fall in love with or befriend… I would already know without any hope that no one befriends or loves a puddle.
05/04 Direct Link
I know, I know… jealousy, temper… bad things… and yes, I know that right now, I have no life altering experiences to write down and make the world stop and take notice of me. I'm going to write something that makes Bob stop preaching to me about zen and taking walks in the woods and then I'll put on my super woman costume and save the world from crappy self help books and sarcastic pieces of shit that line dusty book shelves. I will be a writer damn it… even if I have to suck every cock in this place.
05/05 Direct Link
A train used to pass through my hallway at night when I was a child. I use to lay with my covers up to my chin and listen to it chugging across the carpet as my Mother lay sound asleep in bed. Sometimes I would hear the clanging and banging from the motor and even imagine that the conductor would slide his hand across my door as he past by. I had no reason why the train picked my hallway to pass through, but every night without fail, I would hear it… zooming along but never damaging our small house.
05/06 Direct Link
I am stuck between mounting bills and irritable people… all searching for complex answers that I have no clues for. Mother is marrying a prejudice, homophobe and I'm sticking here… waiting to acquire courage. I'm tired of school, this life… the endless battle to wake up in the morning and walk into moldy rooms. My ass is too large to be sitting behind a desk writing notes. My education began long ago… why should it end here? How can you wake yourself from this monotony? I ask myself 50 times a day and keep waiting… to be saved from myself.
05/07 Direct Link
It's midnight and everyone is asleep. The floor creaks but you still come to my bedside. You touch my cheek and smile. A visit. A moment. You're here. I wake up to your green eyes shining mischief. I roll over towards the wall; you crawl in beside me and snuggle in. We both agreed this wouldn't be. This cannot be more than this. But right now, when it's dark and spring-like you seem perfect. Commitment, faults, and failings fade away, and all we see is what should be and may be by the morning. You are completely beautiful to me.
05/08 Direct Link
Day 8 and I'm already running out of words. I feel like every time I write I whine or complain. I find that I re-read my words and wonder ‘Am I really this sad of a person?' Outwardly, I feel that I portray a content, happy person, but I probably am fooling myself. I often fixate on issues I have no control over and ignore the issues I should be fixing immediately. I am filled with hope regarding my future… I truly believe that something is going to happen. But what do I do to make anything happen, but wait?
05/09 Direct Link
I forgot how much I love the green. Spring is thriving all around and I can barely contain my excitement. The grass tickled my feet while walking barefoot through it and I even found delight in the mud and silky leaves sliding between my toes. Enough whining and complaining. I want to air out and swing in the breeze for a bit. Life is swirling around me today and I am letting it tickle my fingertips and tangle my hair. I am going to be happy and just soak myself in it today. I deserve to smile now and again.
05/10 Direct Link
"If you can't understand why you deserve love, you don't deserve it." Loving yourself is much harder than loving others. Finding someone loving you when you can barely stand yourself is difficult to handle. How can you respect what appears to be foolish and idiotic? Some glimmer of hope inside that even you can't recognize. A messed up pile of sludge, waiting to be devoured by time and space. Yet, this person, this amazing person sees something you thought was lost. A lifetime spent searching only to run away upon finding love. Wrong fork taken on the road of acceptance.
05/11 Direct Link
He said that I use him as an excuse to piss my time away. Of course he's right. He is a lovely excuse to wait and sleep in till noon. Why wake up when he can call and wake me up? Why leave town when he can carry me away? This is what all women are reduced to at some point… this fairy tale bullshit that has been pumped into our brains. I even know that it's bullshit and I still long for the glass slipper, that life-altering kiss, that perfect, blissful moment that does not exist in our world.
05/12 Direct Link
I hate metaphors. I long to write a whole paragraph without referencing something else to explain how I feel or what I mean. I want to write 100 words without flinching or sorting it through. So here goes…Death sucks, Love sucks, I'm a coward, I want to have sex again, I wish I could move, My mom is marrying a dick swab, I do not want to be a business major, I like my new couch, I do not want to depend on anyone anymore, I do not want to be alone anymore, I want to smile and mean it.
05/13 Direct Link
I have a special love for beauty products. In our 5 shelf bathroom closet, my hair, makeup and skin care takes up the great part of two huge shelves. I am a high maintenance girl. The women at the Clinque counter know me by name… It's that sad. I have a profound fear or wrinkles, I look at my forehead and wonder if I should look into Botox before I'm 30. If you are familiar with the 7 deadly sins, you are aware that vanity does in fact fit in with them… Oh, well, I'm screwed. Humbleness is over-rated anyway.
05/14 Direct Link
Upon reading the latest copy of "Newsweek" I found myself being prickled with goose bumps. There is an article entitled "The Prince of Arrogance" about Rumsfeld and his actions regarding the war in Iraq. I have always been proud of our nation, my favorite holiday has always been the 4th of July… Yet, I sit here embarrassed of our countries actions. The Geneva conventions are not just a set of rules that one can pick and chose to ignore or live by. When will being responsible for one's actions, be more than just words? Where has my beautiful USA gone?
05/15 Direct Link
It's strange how absence of a friend makes you realize how much you not only depend on them, but love them. I ache to speak to my friend, hear his voice, hear about his day… yet, I'm glad that we're apart. I have a secret hope that this time apart will provide him with clarity, He has become more than a friend these past months. His presence at my Mother's wedding next week brings a peace to me… I know that no matter what occurs, he'll be by my side. I wonder though, will he ever find peace in me?
05/16 Direct Link
More and less than I am, I am never enough, ever. Proof is aching. Love first and be alone. Sleep-in. Smile. 4 days till heaven arrives. Let time slide across your skin. Peace in puddles. Flounder with me until I soak it in, prune-like is pretty if you squint when you see. Pleasure built up slowly lasts longer anyway. Persecute my heart, tie it up firmly and then let it lie. Let him see your beauty and he'll stay. Looking under my toes for answers, missing the signs flying by. Swallowing anything to be full. Self destructive tendencies? Disappear inside.
05/17 Direct Link
Monday after Monday my religion studies teacher would relay the way our lives were meant to be lived to be worthy. She instilled a fear in me, a blinding and controlling force that has made my voice clot and my actions still. I am afraid to live, to love, to be happy… What if I violate "God's" rules? Morally bound to laws that instituted to bind me, I am a captive to thoughts and insights that do not lift me up, but restrict and constrict. I have to find the strength to stop fearing and live. Before I lose everything.
05/18 Direct Link
Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Friends, all gathering on Saturday to watch my Mother marry the asshole of the year. I will be there as well, Maid of honor, mouth sewn shut… wearing a lavender gown. Eyes glued forward, heart gazing backwards to the pair of green eyes behind me. I will say a speech, sing a song, cry a bit, dance and then drink until I am fully intoxicated. I will wake up in the wee hours next to someone I love and wonder why he can't feel the same way. "Bittersweet isn't it?" You have no fucking idea.
05/19 Direct Link
I do not need you half as much as you think I do.

I grew overnight, flew away from this "boundless" love.

You keep waiting for someone else to lift you up, will anyone be good enough to be your personal savior?

I tried to grasp onto any sign of a hidden depth, I reached inside of you, searched, scanned… Your shallow heights have been unearthed and not even you can hide from them.

You're nothing and now I know it. You will never escape your past, evade your future or by-pass your present. I ignored it all, till now.

05/20 Direct Link
I've missed several entries due to being the maid of honor in my Mother's wedding. I am not sure if I should write entries that pertain to what I missed or just write about how I feel. I will attempt to write a timeline of events and how each one impacted the next. Thursday was a slow day, but I found myself focusing on Ed arriving the next day and how I was going to handle his arrival. I was torn about how I should handle him being here and if my actions should be censored or just let go.
05/21 Direct Link
Then I saw him. He strode towards me and I found myself forgetting all of my fears and remembering why I love him the way I do. My hand wrapped around his and for the remainder of the day I felt that with him by my side, anything and everything was ok. When dime size hail pounded on my car, I found myself taking deep breaths, looking in my rear view mirror, seeing him behind me… and knowing that with him so near, I could die and be happy. I knew more than ever that even unspoken, we had something.
05/22 Direct Link
The night prior we spoke until ungodly hours. I told him that I knew he loved me, he neither confirmed nor denied, but spoke of his confusion and his fears. I held him and told him that I couldn't and wouldn't walk away. My only option was to wait and to love him, show him that he was worthy of love. At the wedding, when I walked by his aisle, I felt his eyes scan over me. He thought I was beautiful and that he was proud of me. I felt honored to have him, in any shape or form.
05/23 Direct Link
Now comes the battle of trying to move on without him here. Focusing on how he doesn't want to commit and how he probably never will. Advice like fountains pours and I just sit here, defending him while berating myself for asking anyone for advice. It will either work out, or it won't, nothing I can do or say will change of influence it. It sucks when you lose your control and just have to have faith… I've never been good at just believing in someone… because "someone" always let you down eventually… and picking up the mess just sucks.
05/24 Direct Link
You fuck in the morning and wipe your hands clean on my sheets. Handsome, but lost. Beautiful but still. Double chinned and blurry. She sits in her rocker watching him stroll by. He thinks her beautiful, a masterpiece. Ashamed of her bulk he kisses her silently, letting time roll by while she pines. He is the answer, yet he hides it all away. Embarrassed by his need for her, he rolls on waves, high and low tides sweeping them up in his moody spells. He loves her, she loves him… simple and yet so utterly useless when love is unavailable.
05/25 Direct Link
I'd rather be busy, but I have no motivation to do so. I am in a fickle state, a mood of ill sorts that prompts me to lash out and strike at anyone who tempts me too. I am losing self-respect rapidly, and I am tired of my actions. This is my pep talk. My inner dialogue to get off my ass and stop moping and waiting… for him to find me worthy, for me to find me worthy. You can love someone with everything inside of you, but unless they love you back you have nothing and never will.
05/26 Direct Link
I never thought I would be tired of writing, but I am on the verge of just laying down my pen momentarily. I need to paint… feel the colors just seep out of my hand and invade every crease on the canvas. It's easier to let emotions flow when you do not have to try to clarify them or perfect them. I feel like a part of me is dying… and I am losing hope. In reality it doesn't matter much. I always bounce back, return stronger than ever, but this sadness is so heavy today, I can barely breathe.
05/27 Direct Link
Bubbles floated into the air. Birds swooped to nibble on them as liquid blasts of soap burst in front of them. My legs swing on the edge of the porch, eying my niece chasing bubble and bugs across the yard. She picked a marigold, brought it to me and smiled at me… flashing two large blue eyes that never lose their twinkle. Curly locks slightly sticky from ice cream. I long to spread this moment out and just live in it. I want to relive this moment someday with my own family. To hope is to believe… do I dare?
05/28 Direct Link
Jealousy does not imply love. If one feels jealous over their lover's actions it does not mean that there emotions are compelled out of anything other than greed. Do not depend on casual and betraying feelings to hint deeper intentions. If I flirted and then had my way with every man that wanted me he would be green with envy. Because he loves me? No… because he wants me to make him feel powerful, lovable… he enjoys being the magician who captured this shrew and made her madder than a Hare. I love the best friend, but despise the lover.
05/29 Direct Link
I long to be on fire. Pure energy just seeping out, no fear, no want. I am not as great as I long to be. No muscles rippling, no love pouring... just a girl in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Pretty face, big butt. I have no idea how I'm going to fix anything, let alone myself... (insert uplifting statement about how I can overcome this.) No solutions come to mind yet, but one day they will. A little epiphany popping up in my mind, freeing me from this enslavement. We shall overcome. Yes we will.
05/30 Direct Link
One more after this and then eyes will be proding my words, judging or scanning... trying to find some idle comment to make about my obsessions, fears and boring life. I already know how many issues I have, how lost I seem... how transfixed I appear to be on certain unattainable goals. I long to comment about my perceptions of life more, I would rather focus on the true issues... the ungettable. Someday, when I'm old and grey I'll look back at this time, roll my eyes and wish that I could make better use of my time.
05/31 Direct Link
In front of me loomed a dark cloud. It's volume filled the horizon, making it seem as if a huge mountain was slowly taking over the sky. The night was just settling, allowing the remaining light to shimmer and slide off of each rounded peak. I drove towards this dark mountain, trying to reach it before it spread farther in the opposite direction. I was consumed with the beauty of it... I forgot Mars existed in that moment. I wanted to just be Venus and live... fly above all of the doubts... and just shine in the sky forever.