06/01 Direct Link
Pee pee talk? Obsessing over people?

Really now. Some of us just need to see ourselves in others. It's not truly an obsession. I can quit anytime that I get pissed off enough. Being Irish and fiesty does have it's up points. Honestly though, love has it's up and downs... currently, I could care less.

I am indifferent today... Which of course makes me feel powerful and above all of this boy crap. I could live my life alone and not blink. I wonder if prozac could extend this mood farther and make my sex drive vanish?

06/02 Direct Link
I spotted a Mother cat and her grey babe this afternoon and was instantly besotted. I wanted to rush to their aid, wrap them up in my arms and carry them away from the obvious homeless life they have been leading. However, Mother cat has other things in mind. While she is quite grateful for the cat food and water I supply she keeps her distance. I stand by my car as they eat my offerings and wonder how many days it will take her to trust me completely. Patience... Sooner or later I will wear her down into trusting.
06/03 Direct Link
I woke up to your jeans on my floor. Puddle of blue tangled around the end of my bed, flung in some chaotic fling. I knew in that instant that I cried myself to sleep, waiting for you to take over, be a man, whisper that you loved me too. Rolling over your wood rubbed against my skin, you smiled and acted like I was as good as you thought I would be. In this moment we lost our friendship, we both said it wouldn't leave, but it corrupted us both.

I loved you until you lost your gentleness.

06/04 Direct Link
I want to just ignore the ugly. Close my eyes and pretend that the world is clever and unbiased. That wars do not exist and my future children won't be worse off. My lungs are dirty, smog in the sky, bombs soaring through it miles away... I'm clinching my fists, while I sink into this fear. I'm rot inside and out. I tracked through the snow and came home dirty. Blood everywhere, except on my own mat. Am I the only person who doesn't enjoy this violence? Religion, power, greed and pain. I'm done in.
06/05 Direct Link
Billie sings, and I listen in the dark. It is just her and I, smoking, sitting, sipping in a bar, trading "notes" on men... dreams... failures. Nothing is as sweet as a night with a friend who knows your pain... a fellow woman who can not only sympathize, empathize, but sing it slowly in blues form.

She's still in my ears when I fall asleep, humming about romance and life. I ache to be so wise, to empty my soul out at anyone's feet and not flinch. Her spirit enters me and I ache to be that full.

06/06 Direct Link
I'm not going to sip it. I'll sit still and count to ten. I won't inhale, exhale, smell him, taste him. I'll ignore his words, I'll just be myself, I won't fight, I won't let them disrespect me like that. I'm ready to defend my actions, fight the world, fight back. I will not let myself fall again, I won't sleep with the lights on, awake in the night. Shiver in the dark.

I. will. be. better. this. time.

I won't over eat, sleep-in, have, cling...

I'll fix.

06/07 Direct Link
Every inch of me feels restless. Too much caffine, too much time on my hands... I could of done wicked things... but reading sounded more entertaining. Being at my own beck and call, lost in my own circle.

I emailed the pop icon of my generation and asked her lovely show to break my mold. How pathetic. I can't imagine sitting on her leather couch and her awarding me a new life. Complete of course with self respect and self worth. It is a good day dream, one I'll focus on while I walk away pounds this evening.

06/08 Direct Link
Everything is just hanging outside. Clouds are barely moving, trees aren't stirring, even the bugs are just lazing about. I should leave to go walking, humidity could transform itself into rain as soon as I slip on my jogging shorts.

Everything disappears when you're tired and sweaty.

The Yeah, Yeah, Yeah's motivate me to walk on. You can pump music up and just let it wash the dirt out of your pores. Ponytail weather is upon us and for once, I'm not dreading the sweat marks under my the arms of my shirt. Run, Faster, Run.

06/09 Direct Link
Best friends:

Pig-tails and cabbage patch dolls. French and American Indian. Black-eyed Susan's, Queen Anne's Lace, Butter cups and wild black berries. Summer tans, shorts under skirts, tights turning into pantyhose. Christmas eve parties, Top Gun, My Little Ponies, Dirty Dancing. Kids In Corporated. Boom-boxes. Spiral perms, New Kids, Confirmation. Boys... Boners, French kisses, Phone numbers.

Graduation, Love, Sex, Marriage, Kids, school of life

Graduation, work, City-life, Engagment, sex, Love. Houses and parents, Kent University.

Country and City Mouse. 20 minute phone calls that last an hour. Children getting taller.

Life moving by faster.

06/10 Direct Link
We're all selfish. Intrigued by our own inner depths, searching and hunting for our own true purpose. I only know how to love so that I can receive love in return. I'm perplexed by how I became this way. Was I taught as a child that I should find satisfaction in giving, and over the years that satisfaction has turned into it's only pleasure? Is my selfish agenda excused if I brought other people happiness? How can you give without pride? Seek without hunger? I long to transcend this life and all of it's heavy questions.
06/11 Direct Link
Am I too afraid to walk away or is this my intuition telling me to hang in and put forth the good fight? I'm tired and bored with this situation. I want someone to be over the moon about me... and if not, that's why God created soap operahs, cats and chocolate.

This isn't the puzzle of the century. I'm not stumped about what to do. It's just a matter of digging in deep and realizing what all of this adds up to.

I need to invest myself in other distractions.

It sounds so easy...

06/12 Direct Link
Nicotine, oh nicotine... where have you gone? I miss your dangerous little puffs, our secret escapes. Designated places to stand, sit, eat, break or sleep. You exclude and include me. I'm growing older and time is too precious to waste. Even though you make the outside more inviting, I have to walk away.

Patches, gum and candy. All to escape from you. You had quite the hook in me... even know when I have decided to let go of you. These shakes will end soon and now my lungs will continue to grow... but... I'll miss you, deeply.

06/13 Direct Link
The pc is trembling with frustration and at any moment will self-destruct. I have no idea if it is a virus, hard drive or user error at this point. I give up. Perhaps it's God's way of telling me to move to the barren regions of Africa and just be one with nature. This new solitude has brought many bonuses though. I exercise my little heart out in hopes of resembling my true self. ‘Someday I will be better.' Runs through my mind at least a thousand times a day. And what about "him"? Well… Surprise, surprise… I'm moving on.
06/14 Direct Link
I need a good book to read. Something daring, adventurous, thrilling… Harry Potter sits beside my bed. Thoroughly read… My secret little indulgence. Today's word of the day is "slipshod". I barely remembers what it means except that if I am disheveled I am slipshod. The racist step-father injured himself by sticking a nail through his right middle finger. Do I see this as justice for all the times he so delicately raised it to old Grannies who went to slow? Absolutely. This is vindication for him being a pig. The racist, homophobe is out of order until further notice.
06/15 Direct Link
I felt your hands. Two large paws searching my heart. I mistook them for a hunger, a void you sought in me to fill. But I'm only so valuable. My presence only gives anyone so much. I'm just a jumble of humble feelings and you see yourself as a King. It's so easy to fool me. A Maybe thrown into a promise you can't keep, a kiss where you shouldn't touch. You slid and slithered all the way inside me and I was the fool for opening my legs to it. I cannot forgive myself.
06/16 Direct Link
I sniffled and wiped, thinking that this pain is my fault and you someday will ache the way I do. I despise your heart's coldness. I long to slash you as deeply as you cut into me. You never gave me anything except emptiness and I still loved you despite myself. You have hollowed me out. Set shadows richer than I. I have never died this deeply. Will I surive? Three times I asked you "Tell me." and you just shuffled it off. I'm living proof that love is fatal and I am finally done with it all.
06/17 Direct Link
Does it really matter? My world or you world we're still seperate. You view mine differently than it is and I see your's the way my eyes let me. One dimensional figures dancing infront of me and I can't even comprehend how to touch them. Shells incase. Thin casing that could easily be blasted through, transparent in light, but still a barrier for those without a blunt instrument to break through the fragile fiber. I lack tools in this area. I just roll this up and try to explain why this girl is being so lazy inside.
06/18 Direct Link
You utterly revolt me. You speak so lavishly. You want to heal everyone. And yet you're the one who slit me open. You're the one who made all my hope seep out. I feel rotten inside. And I despise you. You can fan these fires so easily. Apologize to me as if to imply that you care. Pretend that you have the interal depth to even know what it is to feel pain. I see you now. Your paint has all peeled back. You're just a simple child playing as if he was a man. Fuck you.
06/19 Direct Link
Charlotte and I have a bargain. She can live in the corner of my doorway, eat as much as she can catch and hide in the creases and cracks... as long as her web does touch me as I walk by. I have no idea what type of spider she may be, so I could be harboring a volitile insect... but as long as she respects my person, I really don't care. Lastnight while smoking I watched her spin her home. Her web was glossy with dew the next morning and it almost made her sticky thread look liveable.
06/20 Direct Link
Two friends over-coming all sexual frustration built up between a man and a woman and not only merely muddling through but successfully agreeing that there is more to life than crushes and sex. To find someone that sees you, hears you, cares about you... is a beautiful thing. Sex is so ordinary. Insert slot A into slot B. Give me a person capable of dealing my pms, my roller coaster of a personality and can play scrabble decently and I'll be a happy girl. So, in the case of friendship vs. boyfriend... I rule in favor of friendship.
06/21 Direct Link
I had to stop reading. I couldn't take knowing how dumb our President is and how corrupt our government is becoming. I use to be a young republican. I use to buy the whole trickle down economics thing... I use to think Colin Powell was a freckin' hero. I use to believe in what would make me feel less vulnerable: That life goes on and we are taken care of and that our country ensures that safety of others. We don't though. People are dying because of us... because we think we know best. But we don't.
06/22 Direct Link
What a crap-filled day. I'm cranky and my body is about to internally combust. I thought about what makes me a decent person today. I'm not sure that I can even make a list anymore. Common decency does prevail though... I still smile and say thank you, still refrain from flicking people off while driving, still free random insects from my windshield wipers. I feel like a cliche'. I'm single, aging and becoming a bitch. Next I'll have 8 cats and make scrap books about my ex-flames. Watch out, to the convent I go.
06/23 Direct Link
I've had the same question all of my life. No one can answer it for me. It wouldn't be fair to ask anyone to find proof of a solution. Every question mark is burnt into my skin. My own spiritual DNA. I'm the huntress, prowling, scratching, taking aim. Shoot for the stars or ache to escape the pauses. Someday, someone will arrive and solve everything.... and I won't even expect it or ask for them to paste my life together. Till then I'm contentment faking. I'll twiddle and wittle... waiting for time to pass.
06/24 Direct Link
I don't want to be like this forever. I want to grow up and thrive. I want to leave and never look back. I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to keep coming back to this place and hide... but it's so easy to do. When love blinds me, steals from me, breaks me.... I'm to afraid to admit that I let it. I made this mess. I over-looked that it was only good enough, not special or eternal. I tried and fought and controlled ever breath, but only for a moment...
06/25 Direct Link
I came from her but cannot see any part of myself being her's. She is a lost child, so unaware of reality. She works to live, she loves to get by, she cleans and maintains so one day she can die without regret. I live to love, I ache to fly, I never accept anything as enough. She sold everything to be with him and he doesn't even see her. She helps him build, helps him grow, he pays the bills and sleeps by her at night. I don't understand her even if /when I try to.
06/26 Direct Link
First love. This unexpected explosion 4 years, 7 months ago. Love. It's so much more than one word. He was inside my soul. He blasted through all of my walls and took residence in a hole that one was. I made him new. Two little children soaring so high... dangerously high. He has no idea where I am now. He has no reason to look for me or I for him. It's just a memory that is tattered around the edges. Every sad movie reminds of my little ache. Every song sings me to sleep with his voice.
06/27 Direct Link
3 weeks ago I could barely imagine living without him, today he annoyed the Hell out of me. I liked being away from him, I liked not feeling like shit when I talked to him. When we have a conversation, internally I grow angrier and angrier at him... wondering why he has to be so... blah. Where has the passion gone from the world? Where has boldness and vitality slid away to? Is it even possible to meet a man who feels more than contentment, irritation and boredom? Give me a man who feels intensely... or "just leave me lonely".
06/28 Direct Link
At my Grandparent's house I was able to fall asleep by midnight. I didn't crave anything sweet, drank 2 cups of coffee and ate small meals. I sat on their back porch and was offered a room at their house. Here I am at 25, and I still crave the knowledge that atleast someone wants me... I have yet to decide if moving to their city would be a good idea. I would of course move out of their home 2 or 3 months after moving in, but still... living with them always brings peace to my life.
06/29 Direct Link
Mr. J. Stevens was a acne scarred 45 year old man who taught me english for all four years of my high school education. He often times would touch my arm or my back while he walked by my desk. I was a real person to him... and he knew that I saw him as more than a teacher. Mr. Stevens was married, his wife was a beautiful bitch who worked for the school board and treated him horribly. He told me that while I helped him grade english papers along with how he wished I was older than seventeen.
06/30 Direct Link
Ah, the drama. My family soaks it up and reeks of it and I barely notice that I do as well. This is how I grew up. Sisters arguing, in-laws disapproving, Mothers crying... this is my family life in a nut shell. The eye of the storm would of course be my Grandfather. He's the strong silent one who everyone swirls around. He sits amongst us, eyeing us and throwing out rare but profound comments. He can fix a problem in 4 words or less: "Just pray about it." I long to acquire his inner peace and perserverence.