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07/01 Direct Link
It's all fresh now. We all pretend that nothing happened and that life is this new creation that has never been experienced. I have men's phone numbers in my pockets, but I just throw them away. I know where each one will take me. A conversation, intrigue and then me becoming bored or terrified with the prospect of a new relationship. I like to move into this slowly... slide love on one leg at a time and then ease the zipper up. I'm not as easy as Bob would like everyone to believe. Ok, maybe I am.
07/02 Direct Link
He's miles away. He makes his way to her, scanning her legs, torso, breasts and finally her face... wondering if at this point in their lives they will have a chance to be together. I know what his intentions are... I know what he wants, what he thinks he needs, but friendship takes away all the powers of intervention I could of had. So, as they kiss and flirt and he fools himself into thinking that I'll be ok with him bedding her, I sit here and prepare myself for the inevitable blowout that will arrive on Monday.
07/03 Direct Link
I looked him square in the eyes and wondered why the Hell I would ever listen to him. I wanted to rebel, plant my feet firmly, plant my hands on my hips and let my inner bitch fly... but all I could do was blink and smile. My inner submissive begging to be ordered about like a little school girl. I wanted him to hook a leash up to my necklace and lead me astray... I would have no choice but to do what he wanted from me... good or bad... I could be free in his orders and commandments.
07/04 Direct Link
It wasn't the best of holiday's... I didn't sit myself down at a picnic table and pretend to be invisible... which of course is a good thing. I walked about the picnic, chatted, talked... watched people that I have grown up with push their kids on swings and kiss their husbands and wives. They all tell me that they envy me waiting to get married. It's nice that they say that instead of that they hope I find someone soon... Even I can fool myself into believing that being single is the best way to live.
07/05 Direct Link
I always start with the same thoughts in my head. I fight with myself to abandon my fixation, leave behind all the words that clog my heart. Running away from this ache is easier when you have time filled up with activity. I'm just a girl with a broken heart, a simpleton who believes that somehow this will all work out in the end. No matter how daft I may seem, I am aware of it. I do not embrace this situation... even if it appears I savor it. When your heart is taken, it's not yours anymore.
07/06 Direct Link
Fear stops us from taking a step forward. If my mind plays tricks with my desires... I have no hope. I'm just a jumble of pieces that you hold in your hand. Your actions will decide everything that my life may hold. You have such power in this moment. 3 words. A boy posing as a man. You could so easily step forward and grab onto the best thing that I could be. I'm more than this paragraph and yet you still get caught up in the spaces. How can I move forward when you keep holding on?
07/07 Direct Link
Annie housed my escape. She cut the phone lines and sewed me up. She gave me tasks to complete, in an attempt to save me from you. She still adores you. It's so complex from this angle. She loves me but smiles over your green eyes. I hid in her den, sliding between couch cushions and cigarette smoke. Black lung is better than a broken heart... A drunken disposition is better than a bitter soul. If I loved you anymore I would just give up this wafty dream. Two feet can only carry your soul far... I'm broken.
07/08 Direct Link
I had my back against the door. The lock wouldn't hold and the door shook heavily. He reached his hand in, wrapped it around the edge and tried to grab me to him. "I would never hurt you, I love you." I sank to the floor and cried. He can ignore that I no longer love him, he can imagine that I am his other piece... and in time, he'll escape and he will find me. Every phone call, every unexpected visitor at my door shakes me deeply. His voice is a knife, his eyes a bullet, piercing.
07/09 Direct Link
They keep throwing her the bouquet. Poor girl doesn't have a decent fellow' in sight. The only physical contact she gets is the garter being slid up her calves. At this wedding she's decided to flaunt her rail-like figure in a tube-top dress in lavender. She's frizzed her hair in attempt to give herself some body. I take a hit on my cigarette and eye the lipstick on her teeth. She tells me excitedly that in the restaurant's bathroom is a condom dispenser. Personally I'm surprised she didn't think they were balloons.
07/10 Direct Link
Someone keeps stealing my cherry coke out of the fridge.

Stupid bitches. When I was in NY they turned my AC off and left my room in a heated mess. Energy conservation is useless in the summer. I'd rather be frosty than sweaty and smog free.

I'm a selfish girl. Annie told me that she was proud of me when I didn't complain when I had to give my bed up for a guest. Even I have selfless moments. I wouldn't really mind giving up my soda if they asked instead of hiding their swigs.

Bastards.

07/11 Direct Link
He'd be happier if I was some cousin that he could bend over but by law not marry. He's just that messed up. I think that's what attracts me to him. Everyone hides all of their dirty thoughts away. He flaunts his on paper and then mails them to me.

I saw his bottom lip in a dream lastnight. How can something so insignificant be so perfect... and my downfall. The way he bites it when he says "fuck". God, I wish I was punk enough to say it that way. Being the girl next door sucks...

07/12 Direct Link
When will it finally occur to me that I deserve more than you playing with me? When will you realize that you wanting in my pants is cruel? If we have an amazing friendship, why can neither one of us slip pants on and stand up to the other? We're so afraid of losing each other and yet so afraid of not getting off. I'm more than a vessile for you to fuck. You're more than a boy for me to idealize. We need to see and realize that we have another person who totally gets us.
07/13 Direct Link
I could kick through all of this garbage only to realize that I came full circle. You can climb inside of my mind and walk out with your pockets empty. If I wanted to be anything more than this, I'd have done it. I'm satisfied in the frivality that my nature is causing. I'm just a swing, sliding back and forth, up and down... without moving an inch. I'm fixed by your gaze... Even I can see that you're just an excuse not to move on. I could love someone now... but I have nothing.
07/14 Direct Link
Annie loves him. I saw it a year ago when her and I sat side by side waiting for his surgery to end. I held her clammy hand while she recounted his accident to me. "How can I live without him?" She whispered. I never realized how love can take hold of you until that moment. She needed him... not only because he was the bread winner for their family, but because his soul some how merged with hers. I finally accepted her loving him as much as she loved me. I began to love him for making her alive.
07/15 Direct Link
He hid underneath the sheet. His bed tangled hair sprouting out from the covers as I giggled with his impending attack. Blankets curved as he smiled... he shed tangles as he pulled me on top of him. Chest hair tickled my chest... lips tripping over my neck, my hair framing his face... tenting both of us in our secret little Eden. Two hours top to top. Clocks stopped, watches fell to pieces... mouths intertwined and surging. The sun shone through the blinds by the time I woke up, he was on his side watching the sun filter over my skin.
07/16 Direct Link
It was one of those first conversations, where I was on the upwards spiral and he was holding out his hand from the top. We chatted beyong reason and at the end I didn't want to let go. Maybe it's as simple as him reminding me of you... Him needing me more than you ever could... Him being less attractive and more within my range of possibilities. He let me talk about you, he laughed when I told him about my theories regarding your personal inner thoughts. He sees you as a simple man, a history long shared.
07/17 Direct Link
He was the kind of man that would marry me in a moment. He was the kind of man who would want to take care of me. How can you ache to be with someone and then feel completely afraid when the possibility presents itself? I'm still young inside, not afraid of growing up, just having no idea how to do it. I looked at his mouth and was tempted to kneel down infront of him and wake him. Would he ever be passionate enough to fill up the holes inside me? Whatever happened to being happy being seen?
07/18 Direct Link
He's being so lovely. So soft and kind. Rolling out the carpets... extending hands, opening doors, charming me in all walks. Raising my eyebrows slowly, watching his eyes flick my way... I know this spiders dance. I know how he makes his way. I'm not the young girl who takes love lightly. I'm not the tramp that sleeps by the door. I just want to escape love forever... and whisper with Poe "Nevermore." I hate this idle... the roar of quiet that swamps inside my head. I want to soar and fly above everything never to descend.
07/19 Direct Link
When the anger spilt out, I was on the brink of screaming. Flashes of conversations, his voice in my ears... "Someday I'll ask you to marry me" flooded my heart. I knew somewhere in my soul he wasn't right... he only did just enough... he only lingered to keep the peace. I let him lead me into this blind spot and I not only hate him but myself as well. I never realized how I had been playing myself... transforming myself into him... being just enough to make people leave me alone. He left his fingerprints on me.
07/20 Direct Link
I'm supposed to be looking for you. Putting my hands together and trying to get you on my side. You're supposed to be delivering insight. Landing angels on my shoulders and whispering "This way." I trusted in you... stood up for you... and then you disappeared. You savagely let me see signs and then flickered off. How do I look at the stars and hear your voice? When will my heart be special enough for you to grant peace? You take away, you keep taking... I fight you for what I have... Yet you always steal it away.
07/21 Direct Link
Edward's phone flickers on and on... Morse code for him being fed up with me being in a hole. I was so full of optimism yesterday. Restless energy to spare and miles to walk before I slept. I'm tied into this conversation... whispering how relentless life is and how all I need is a little sight and hope. Edward breathes softly and flicks his tongue over his lips. He's parched for me and I long to be dry... Nuns are luckiest when they forget the power of sex or the enchantment of love. I envy their robes.
07/22 Direct Link
You want to love me. You want to hunt me. Slip me on your mantel, pull me out to fill up. You want me to wrap around your arm, slid between your sheets, laugh at your jokes, bare your children. You want me to coo over your high score, make you dinner after a bad day, lick your wounds when you're aching. You want your shoes under my bed, my hair spread over you pillow, my panties unbunched. You only love to be loved... you only want to be taken care of. I've experienced you before, so disappear.
07/23 Direct Link
Jersey shore before me. Waves lapping me up. I am covered in sand and wrapped up in a large brimmed hat. Sun glasses perfectly perched, lotion on every inch. Music blaring in my ears... no need for you or him or love. The ocean smells of divinity... endless circles that promise that life can go on. A cycle that I avoid, a miracle under blue shadowy depths. I read, I soak, I tan... you're no where to be found. Lobsters scuttle, birds fly low... my life is sunny, even void of your bed. Tonight the moon will hang on.
07/24 Direct Link
Blood biting my sanity away, making me fly through the night. Gramps is on wellbutrin... I'm next, I'm next. The echo sears my skin... the reverb will hit me next. Jesus washed away my sins but he forgot my fore-fathers. I'm just a manic depressent wanting to be born and fully grown. Mom always shakes her head when I dish the dirt... Sis always lashes out when I fumble down. I'm in a mess that even great-grandma couldn't fix. Lost in a fuddle of a muddle that is left on my front stoop.
07/25 Direct Link
I won the prize. I saw the magician sway and I caught onto his willy ways. I'm just a jessica rabbit waiting to be pulled out of a tub of lard. I'm just a girl with too many expressions to sleep around. Johnny told me when I was five that men don't want a chubby wife... only pervies with low self esteem want to ram in to a girl with thick thighs. I bought into that stock, became a nightly wisher and sought out shooting stars. If I could be something or other I'd be right.
07/26 Direct Link
When I'm thirty I won't give a damn. I'll feed this thick child inside and curl up with Janet Evanovich and idealize Stephanie even more. I'll read page after page and pretend that after chapter 7 I'll become an italian/hungarian hottie that doesn't have to worry about wax or the catholic faith. Poor Sinead O'Connor would shake in front of me... I'd be her worst American nightmare. Beer and or wine can solve anything when given in the right ammounts... Just ask Bob and his chicks. $.99 isn't so bad.
07/27 Direct Link
It's out of my hands. I've flexed my muscles and tried my best to change things, but in the end... I always come to this place. I sit down, smoke a cigarette or two and wait for whatever is destined to happen to happen. I have no other choice. I can be motivated, optimistic and hopeful... but unless it's in the cards I have no action to accomplish... atleast succesfully. Why can't we choice how life flows? Why can't we just live with ourselves and be happy? Questions, questions, questions... that's all I have.
07/28 Direct Link
My Mother never remembers the mean things that she throws at me. She could throw me out of the house naked and not seem to recall her hands fixed around my neck. She could order me to move away, compare me to my psycho uncle even speak badly of my deceased Father... but in two weeks her actions will have faded in her memory without a trace of guilt or regret. As a child, her inability to speak to me about how she felt haunted me. Yet, here I am an emotionally charged girl dying to pen it all out.
07/29 Direct Link
Everyone around me keeps doing it. A slit, a breath sucked out, pills popped in and then they vanish... Comfy little tombs where problems wait watching for their return. I always keep this option in my back pocket. I pull it out, read it like a score card and wonder if and when I'll ever get to the point where I just float away too. I'm not supposed to say such things. I'm supposed to keep my chin, keep my eyes forward and remind myself that life does infact get better once you've hit the bottom.
07/30 Direct Link
It's funny how easy it is to find someone willing to sleep with you. It would take me less time to find sex than it would to find someone to just hold me right now. I'm not even sure that I want a boyfriend right now... but the idea of having a pair of arms wrapped around me... I would put up with just about anything for that. Why has love and physical affection wandered so far apart from each other? Why do people think one is so much better than the other? Will it get better soon?
07/31 Direct Link
Chocolate. A woman's release... my escape in buttery folds surrounded by a shiney metallic disposable wrapper. Bobby bought me dark chocolate before he died. Orange wrappers wrapped up in France's promise of perfection. He hid them in a cupboard and called me during his flight with instructions on how to find them. A little note of thanks was scrawled on a smidge of parchment. His blue against the white in a hat box under my bed. Death is so sudden. A door slamming unexpectedly in the night. He burns inside me... Never understanding is a burden to bear.