08/01 Direct Link
I need a shrink, but God bless America insurance is hard to come by. Mom sat outside while I smoked myself to death... she ranted and raved... "You were always Daddy's girl." I am still being punished for my actions as a 2 year old. All I wanted was to be loved by her and him and she let her insecurities in the way. I am tired of trying to explain myself to her. She has never known me or even accepted that I came from her. She's just a fucked up reason that I'm fucked up.
08/02 Direct Link
Dropped the "F" bomb infront of mom today. Just opened up and let it fly... she didn't flinch. I was fighting tooth and nail for her to drop the same old shit, but she just clings on... "I told you that I thought you wished I died instead of your Father and you didn't even say anything." She is referring to of course the 10th time she said it... and by that time I was done in with trying to reason with her. Yes, I do not trust her. Yes, I think she's completely insaine. The End.
08/03 Direct Link
I'm trying to go with the flow. It is easier to do than to admit doing. Once you admit it... you start trying to do it, and then it becomes difficult to continue just floating along. I'm trying to stop my regression and become an adult again... this time it is harder to do that instead of just saying it. I will always long to sleep in to noon, type on my pc till evening and fall asleep at 4am curled around a book... but I also long for a home of my own; a place to be.
08/04 Direct Link
It was a beautiful old house full of charm, ghosts and stories. I stood outside of it's concrete steps and looked up into it's shadowed porch into his eyes. He stood leaning against the railing. One hand shielding his eyes, the other bracing himself against the house... watching me, watching him. We both stood there, my suitcase in hand, his sudden doubts and fear... both shaking trying to register the days before us. He walked briskly towards me, took my suitcase and walked away from me. I watched his movements, his words floating behind him stroking my ears.
08/05 Direct Link
I let two days go by before I called my Mother. I let the moments build up and prayed she'd had enough time to miss my presence. She of course did and yet was relieved that I wasn't her responsibility for a week or two.

I woke up on the 2nd day to sunshine and car sounds. City life... how I love thee. It's funny how slow you shower and dress in strange surroundings. Routines changed, methods mended... The bathtub was huge yet unclawed and while I washed my hair I smiled broadly for the first time.

08/06 Direct Link
Remember, it's never a mistake if it's good. And oh, was it good. Not just the event of it... but the emotions, the eye contact... the loveliness of just experiencing a closeness that transcends love... or what we mere mortals consider love. I was just Rachel. A 6 letter girl who was spending time with her two letter bestfriend. Nothing mattered but the blinds blowing in the wind, the smell of musk and the thin sheet that seperated me from the world. Stretching is exotic after such moments... muscles grasping to retain some stitch of their former glory.
08/07 Direct Link
It's enough for now. This moment, this inbetween... it's so lovely to be tingling even though it's been days ago and months to visit again. I don't mind... I'm just going to skim the surface and pretend that I can make this feeling last forever. Two weeks, two months, two years... two lifetimes... I can stretch it until it's covering everything... even thin and transparent it will still be lovely when I look back on it. Will this always be the same as now? Even when I hide from the questions... they find me.
08/08 Direct Link
I woke up every hour with a jolt. Would you be there? Would I be alone? Would all of this week be a cruel trick impaled on me by my mind? I would slide my hands over your back, kiss your skin and reassure myself that you would always exist, in some form... even if not by my side. It was fufilling to know that even with you I would be able to sleep again... just knowing that someone like you can be alive, makes me feel less lonely, less alone... so I celebrate what I have... and will be.
08/09 Direct Link
Helpless existance. I'm bound my dreams and ideals that I have no reason to own... they're just in me, driving me, forcing me to do more, be more, fight more. Mother said she'd be happy if I had a bigger paycheck, Grandpa said that he'd be happy if I was with one with God, Grandma says she just wants me to have a family... All I want is to be happy. I dream about running far away, leaving everyone behind and just being me. What would I have left in my pocket then? Me, me, me.
08/10 Direct Link
I have a crowd outside my window hollering at me to give them attention. Each one wanting some of my time, love and affection. (Un-intentional rhyme) I'm all filled up with prose these days. I'm just a gouged rock and water keeps sliding over me... it's determined to smooth me and make me pretty again. I am tired of being silent and I am tired of men wanting to make me a housewife. All I want is my bestfriends and a nice apartment. Two amiga's one amigo living in squalor until one of use talents.
08/11 Direct Link
God and I had a little chat the other day. I just decided that it was about time that I acknowledged that I fucked up. Yep, I made quite a few mistakes that led me down into this abyss of "poo". So, I asked him to help... in whatever way he deemed best... because, really a boulder could fall on me, crush my limbs and I could somehow win a million dollars in a civil law suit... and it would all be divine intervention. So, no more questioning... I'm just going to accept it all and roll with it.
08/12 Direct Link
Notes on men:

1: If a man wants you to come see him after 10pm at night, say no.

2: If a man says he's bi and has a poster of Brad Pitt on his wall, say no.

3: If a man says that you could do better than him... you can do better.

4: If a man is a slob, do not convince yourself you can change him; you can't.

5: Never have sex again. (unless you know it's worth it... which it rarely is.)

6: Never date a guy who wants you to lose weight.

08/13 Direct Link
Revenge is a talent that I keep in my back pocket. My sister was often times the recipient of my evil paybacks, but more often than not they were deserved. I was always so careful to make them hard to pinpoint. Was it fate ruining their day or me retaliating for treading on me? Boys who have "No fatties" bumper stickers raise my heckles. I long to follow them and let my Vengence fly. I of course reel myself in and just take solace in that fact that they'll marry a thin girl that blows up like a blimp.
08/14 Direct Link
He threatened his disapearance... and never before had I fully understood the kindness you did me. You, on the cusp of making me become tangled up inside of you, tore me away from you and distanced yourself from me. He cannot do that. I often question why. Perhaps we both depend on each other too much and take comfort in each other. Perhaps it's more or less than I can communicate right now. All of us need to be a victim, child, mother. Either way I appreciate what you did back then, though the sting burnt my skin momentarily.
08/15 Direct Link
It wasn't that long ago that I sat on your back steps and looked at the yard you played in as a child. I miss the comfort of those nights... the way the moon hovered over the city and I sat chilled and content. I loved watching you water flowers, cook dinner, pout when I didn't curl up next to you on the sofa... now it's all gone. Vaporized by distance and your animal charisma. You get so close and then you gallop away. I withdraw my heart so often you're close to cumming. What now?
08/16 Direct Link
He's sitting back in his Lazyboy, stretched and invisible. Typing some message, to some chick, that thinks him adorable, intelligent and lost. I could file my nails and watch with sisterly interest as he demolishes any chance of being whole again... I attempt to point out the injustices he pins against himself, but I always knocked over as he runs by, to grab a bottle. I'm weak compared to his gait, a child compared to his wisdom, he sees through my concern with a shrug. He will be gone before the year is done. It is his alone.
08/17 Direct Link
Writing to verify to someone, that every word I said was somehow true and believable. My fear slides it's hands up my legs and makes plans to royally fuck me over. I long to sleep in past noon, run a muck, dance till my feet are blistered and blue. School loans are piling up and I still haven't paid a one. I have less than a month to find some form of work before I am nothing but a shadow. Christmas will be sparce and I'll be the one under the tree. Moving is the only way.
08/18 Direct Link
When you love with everything inside of you and inevitibly, whomever you love is torn away from you... you become bitter, distant and worrisome. And when someone sneaks through your defences and enters your life and heart... your worries grow and abound until you feel like you can barely breathe. People become angry over your concerns torn between frustration and flattery. It's hard to explain the true depths of pain that losing someone without being able to say goodbye can cause. I was ripped in half so many times. But it is my burden to bear... come what may.
08/19 Direct Link
Injustice. The deepest of wounds carved into a soul... bleeding it dry of hope. To not be deserving of cruetly, to be a victim without want or cause is enough to turn hearts and minds away from oppurtunities that might of been. To let go of dreams that were encarved into your very being... all due to someone having a bad day and slipping so casually into a knife, cut and slicing away at your kindness. I was dealt the blow and I sit here shaking with effort. In a way it was a the final straw to walk away.
08/20 Direct Link
Sitting watching my mother be verbally berated by her new husband. I pulled inside and congratulated myself on avoiding marriage thus far. Yet this evening when his angered flared up, I sat on my hands and waiting till his abuse ended. I took it all in and hung my head in shame for causing his anger to fly. In the end my fiesty Irish babe came out swinging... but before her approach I was still in his lashings... waiting to atone for my sins. I will not be my Mother and assume that any man is worth being degrated over.
08/21 Direct Link
The blue paper was soaked by the time I woke up. The color leaked and strayed all over my desk top, flaunting my empty glasses final release in sweat. I sat and mopped up the mess and reviewed my life thus far. A puddle of misfortunes that I allowed to lay out and seep in. I cry over messes that are laid at my feet and instead of cleaning them up swiftly I let become infected and infested... until all I have is a rotten moment. Standing up and moving a spill away from precious life is harder than wiping.
08/22 Direct Link
It's come down to this. Me avoiding you, you avoiding me. We always prided ourselves on how blunt we were with each other and look at us now. I lied in bed the bulk of the day and tried to ignore the outcome of lastnight. I wish now that I would of told you to fuck off earlier and then close every door on your face. I always lose my backbone during direct confrontation. Later after the other person calms down my vegence flies and my tongue finally starts to wag I resemble the bitch everyone thinks I am.
08/23 Direct Link
I had always thought that if it happened, I'd run to you and ask for your advice. You'd sit by me, hold my hand and comfort me until I was strong. I thought that if I was to confide in you, you would realize that you want to take care of me as much as I want to take care of you. And then it really happened... and I all I want to do is avoid you. Stick my head in the ground and plan my escape. I realize being alone now is better than being alone later.
08/24 Direct Link
At any given weekday my life could change. I'm waiting on news that will suddenly uproot me from this small Ohio town and throw me into big city life once again. I will be alone... I will have my own apartment, I will have the start of a career. When the change really does hit me I will box up my books, bundle my clothes and pray that somehow this was the right decision. That me moving hundreds of miles away is for the greater good and is necessary for my development. Change is always hardest when your comfortable.
08/25 Direct Link
I'm not one to flaunt my love of nature around like some people often do. I do not brag about shouting at the rain or eyeing stars. I've never even felt compelled to shout at the rain. However, I am tied to nature, even if I hide it away and keep it under lock and key. Give me green and dirt over riches... a mossy cottage in the woods to retreat too instead of a mansion. Even though I have a city girl in my heart, I have a dirty tom-boy with scuffed knees in my soul.
08/26 Direct Link
My Mother is a remarkable woman, a woman who fought for her children after she lost her husband... and yet you cannot see that, and I feel ashamed that I could not as well. You think me less than you because I come from humble ancestry. I am a true American melting pot and you eye me with your blue blood and silently think that I would never make your children worthy enough to carry your name. Sex is one thing, but love... that is just too good for me. So damn the happiness, just focus on your precious pride.
08/27 Direct Link
Even Bob has a girlfriend. A confirmed bachelor finally deemed some cute little red head likeable and has left the evil clutches of singledom... so that leaves you. I obviously am not anywhere near the temptation that the little red head is and so I must shuffle off and try to devour some helpless mortal while you watch and wait for me to come back to you. You're so fuckin' smug. I'm just babbling on because I'm supposed to say something about what's going on in my head when all I have is a big zero.
08/28 Direct Link
Ugh. The all encompassing word of the day. I've had it with everything and I'm ready to run away and never turn back. I always try to take full responsibility for my actions. I am a talented and ever-ready excuse inventor upper... and even right now I'm ready to stand up and say "Yep, this is my fault... I knew it would get to this point and I didn't have the balls to just walk away." I live for other reasons except my own and it's utterly annoying the Hell out of me. Ugh.
08/29 Direct Link
In a fantasy novel you'd be the dragon, I'd be an elf and I'd end up slaying you. I'd run my blade cleanly through your belly for all of your injustices and I'd do it by the side of my true love. You'd flounder about on the ground, impaled by my flashy blade begging me for mercy while I stand hands on hips eyeing you. You'd tell me that every action was prompted out of love and that you were just misunderstood... and that's when I'd finish you. It would end.
08/30 Direct Link
Annie found him. He was supposed to search for her, but she still sought after him. He is far away... surrounded by mountains and and a warm body. She flicked her cigarette and tried to act suave while she caressed his cheek. In the shadows I bite my tiny nails and pray over her. She's her own woman now, an accomplished herione who is only bound her fate. If anyone can do it, she can... A gentleness flows off of her in a way that he needs now... and only her sweet words can heal his wounds and heart.
08/31 Direct Link
The shift came so quickly that I have yet to remove the chains holding me still. I have millions of things to do to prepare for the move and no idea where to begin. First off I need money to accomplish most of them and that will not be headed my way for a couple weeks yet. So this month ends on a bang... me moving 3 hours south with every intention of making it work this time. I will be independent, happy and above all else a success. Just watch me now boys... here I come to take over.