REPORT A PROBLEM
I was full of hope and drama and innuendo and tiredness and fear and joy and relief. I think that was what I was full of, at least I was so certain of it awhile ago. Unless I'm just full of shit, which might just be true as well. But today I don't care. I am tending to a little something. I feel it. I feel these emotions, after so long of nothingness. But just as quickly, I know it will all fade away. But today I don't care. Today is almost gone, and for today, these feelings will stay.
Things are awful again!!! My stomach hurts, I don't wanna study, my head feels warm. This place is causing a void within my soul!!! Did you like the drama there? I thought it would spice things up, as they are so very depressing at the moment. Soon, I will enter hermitage. That will be good. I will be secluded, and unhappy still, but won't it be better than pretending to like this world? I want to be happy to be alive, I want to be content with what I have... but I am not. I fear I never will be.
Make me productive. Make me want to succeed, and to be all that I can. Give me some courage, some will to fight and win. Without knowing you were there, I'd have been gone long ago. But now, it feels like its not enough anymore. I want to plummet, to fall, and perhaps not wake again. I'm drifting away from this all… I need something to make it real, something to make me care again. Where did it go? I want to know why things are back to this. I lost IT, and all my reasons, some time long ago.
Is this the day I meant it to be? Because after all... after all!! I never can tell anymore, everything just slips in and around and behind me. Things get all scary like that, and then I want to hide. Watch me hide!! Haha, but you can't, I'm too good at it! Even better, let me turn into essence, a mere flicker of my past self that can dance and shake, even twist if I so desired. No one would notice, and wouldn't that be grand? I think so. I'm tired!! And I couldn‘t care less: just watch me go.
I am walking down the street. I want to see a face, a certain face. I wanna see the smile, and a shrug, maybe a little nod as I walk on past. But maybe, instead of walking on past, we'll stop and talk, like old friends and companions, people who understand each other. And then, when I have to leave, it will be sad but inevitable, but I'll promise to come back. After all, I'll see you again. I can picture it in my mind, the moment when it'll happen, when I‘ll return. Of this I am certain, so certain.
I have no time anymore!!! I am running to and fro, like a chicken, exactly like a chicken. And then I think, this is what it is to lose one's mind. I have lost it all!! And nothing is important and nothing is ever done. It just keeps building up, and then one day I will just kill everyone. So this is your fair warning. And when it is all over? There will be a sense of loss, just like the last time this happened. Its always like this, so why aren't I used to it? To hell with it.
Chemistry! Why must I suck so horribly in this class? I can FEEL the hatred that chemistry bears to me. I don't understand anything, try as I might. So tomorrow I will dutifully proceed to fail my exam. Half a year, in vain! And all that money too. I'll be a bum; I paid thousands to learn I am a failure, and idiot who cannot understand CHEMISTRY! Bah! And after this nonsense, there is nothing but more studying, stretching into the years ahead. Honestly, this is insanity, and I can‘t believe it. I want sleep! I just want some relief.
It is the aftermath. It has been done, it has been written, and things are kind of falling apart. Not for any real reason, no. But inside me, I feel it. Freedom is here, and I cannot live it. I feel let down, empty, and more than a little alone. So shall I scream a little bit? Shall I try to make the glass shatter, fragment and freeze in the air, just like in a movie? Catch me catch me catch me catch me catch me catch me catch me. Fast. Make it stop, that's all that I ask for.
It's a new year! Oh it's a new year, and I want to make it different. This is the year my life will take off, make me happy and content. It won't be like before, its all going to change from here. I truly see it happening. This is my goodbye to the years of nothingness! I am returning to where I always should have been. I'm back! I'm energized, rejuvenated! I never would have thought I would miss that place, but I did, and now I know how much I treasure it. It's my home, and I love it.
My vacation was insane. Bickering relatives, crazy old fat ladies shouting at the younguns. Makes me see how lucky I am for my parents; they aren't that insane. It was fun to be burden free for awhile. It all passed so quickly that I was surprised. But I was disappointed in the lack of fun I had. It was a nice change of scenery, and LA was cool. MMM, shopping. It was beautiful, insanely so, but nothing beats home: Toronto! Almost back, just one day away, just one plane ride. So fast, so fast, and I'm wishing it was December.
I'm waiting for the hours to pass on by. I'm counting the seconds, and I can feel them ravaging my mind. I'm turning old, and soon I will be nothing more than dust. I'll disintegrate, and then I'll float through the air, through this world. I'll be the silent traveller, taking a never ending journey. No matter what goodness this world brings to me, I can't see it. I see the future as dull as ever in my mind. It seems so distant, but it isn't. I don't want to think of it, but I can't think of anything but.
Dance around the obvious and don't forget to smile. I am thirsty, and my back hurts. Odd occurrences, for my first day of true happiness. Watch me turn to butter, and melt and congeal on my couch. Sounds fun doesn‘t it? I will stare at the television set and then turn to the walls. I'll turn off all the lights and just sit. I'll bask in the darkness. I want to throw some stones. I don't think I ever have. I want to chuck one forcefully. It will sail through the air and I will watch it go far away.
I would like it if everything was friendly. Kind of like cartoons, or in my imagination. But my thoughts are not so friendly at times, so no. I fear that I am deteriorating. As my mind becomes sleepy, my body dies. I will close my eyes and drift. And then I'll fall asleep only to awaken days later. Do you understand what I am talking about any longer? Because I don't. Sometimes you lose it, and sometimes its intentional. Other times it's not and you can be seduced by your own thoughts. When I dream, I see all of this.
Today I felt my future unfold before me. It was eerie, but comforting. No, it didn't scream "possibility" at me. Rather, it gave off an aura of reality, but not a cold one. It made me think, for the first time in a long while, that maybe I could change all this. I could walk away, or even run. I could embrace the turns of my existence, and say what I liked. There is nothing stopping me, really. Just the confines my mind has created. I only need to remember that close quarters need not exist. I can break them.
Many days ago I had a pain in my foot. It was strange because I have never felt pain in my foot before, especially in the arch of it. So I needed to buy new shoes. Shoes to wear so the pain goes away. So much money to be spent, I want to cry. Does someone want to give me? I could use some. I look more money-ful than I am, but don't let appearances deceive. Damn all those appearances!!! I don't like many things, and some of these things I don't like, I used to like. You follow me?
I'm insane again. Today I was happy, and lately I have felt all this happiness around me. And I'm suspicious of course, and I know that the drama is just around the corner. But not the interesting kind of drama, just the kind that sucks. I can feel this time coming to a close, but I don't want to let it go like this. For no reason at all, everything is better, and I just don't want it to change on me. I'm clinging to these moments, I want to feel every second of them. But just around the corner...
I like to be surrounded in a mishmash of things. Bring me colour! And wealth and heroes and shoes and some food. Preferably some sushi. I could use some right now, if it weren't for the costly expense. Neon green excites me too, and so does bright purple. I like things when they are linear yet happy. Sometimes objects project emotions at me. If I had a favourite number, it would be five. It's the number of my birth, December fifth. That's why I like it. Plus, I have five fingers on each hand,; knowing that is always a relief.
It's late. The wee hours of the morning, in which I find myself increasingly conscious and stressed out in lately. I would like to get some sleep, oh how I would love that. But right now, that doesn't seem like a reality. Too much sleep makes me lose touch with reality. But too little and I seem to gain a type of drunken courage. And I don't remember many things either. Maybe I am drunk; I'm living in some type of stupor at least. I am currently biding my time with the knowledge that things will change very nearly soon.
I'm the lowest of the low. Honestly, I haven't felt this horrible in ages. Its desolation, that's the word for it. Never before had I realized that it could apply to me and what I'm feeling. I'm robotic, I move forward in all my actions, not because I think that things will feel better, but because there is nothing else to do. Something is wrong here, and I don't know what. I'm missing something, and occasionally I think that I find it, but its never right. I'm full of emptiness, and I exude unhappiness. I want to know what happened.
I wanna say that you're so close to me, and that you understand what I'm talking about here. Crazy that things change like this, and so I say have a nice trip. I'll see you in August. We all need some rancid coffee cupcakes iced with chocolate onions sometimes. It's just so comforting to know they were never in short supply all these years. Right now it's now, and I know things'll change again, as ever. Keep on truckin‘, that's what I'll do. See you on the flipside. Is that saying really from Apollo 13? How disappointing. It's been real.
I had a dream a few nights ago. It was one of those unsettling ones, in which something utterly disturbing happens, and you awaken to feeling very weirded out and changed. It takes several days to feel okay again. At times, it makes me want to avoid sleep, and not go anywhere near my bed. So then I'll sleep on the couch, or sleep backwards. Of course, the change in physical position will change the thoughts inside my head at night. Perfectly logical isn't it? Well sometimes things don't have to be logical. Especially when one is dealing with dreams.
I am thinking about being a little kid again. I think that if I could do it over, if I had the courage to go through all that again, I would do many different things. It didn't pay to be the good little kid. Other kids had way more fun, and that was the age that anything flew. I should have taken advantage of it. I could have stolen candy and played in the mud and other things. Maybe then I would have some fun things to reflect upon. I remember always listening to others. I'm sick of it now.
I really do not want to be poor. I think about how it would be like to live in a shack and it seriously depresses me. I think about things like living in a dirty place or a messy, rundown, dank place and I feel all discontent. Maybe I have been spoiled by my parents into liking clean and clear places. I can't stand thick layers of crap and particles of little food and dirt everywhere. It would kill me from the inside out. And for some reason I was thinking about this today, and it filled me with sorrow.
Today I was thinking about Everything is Illuminated, and how that girl went through and counted up all the different kinds of sadness in the world. Her list must have struck a chord, because I remember it still. I feel like that right now, I feel like dwelling inside this crazy world I have constructed in my mind. I'll retreat and count up all my sadness. Being alone is just so much simpler than anything else. I don't want to give a lot of things their fair chance; I don't know how. Things are holding me back. There is fear.
My life is like one big escape. I don't know what I really want, but I seem to really know what I don't want. I run from things, from opportunities and chances because I am afraid. It's hard to admit that I am a coward, but it's true. It's one of the most appropriate words for me in the language. I fear I am insincere, and I fear that I am not who I am. I want to experience living for no one but myself. And in some sense, I have that. But then again, it's not true at all.
I can't relax right now. I feel all tense. I feel like my heart has just broken. I feel like I have been awake for days on end. I feel like all the days are just one big one, and that day was really just a dream. My dreams are more real than the experiences I‘ve had. Why can't I remember anything? Maybe because I just talk shit all the time. I don't retain conversations. My face is uncooperative. I feel all gangly and awkward right now. I'm zoning out. I'm loose and falling and rigid, all this at once.
I am avoiding things again, I am procrastinating. I make mental lists now because concrete written ones are too stressful. They mock me when I cannot cross things off. But now that the list is in my mind, it's getting a little too crowded in there. The taunts, the stress is piling. I want to go in a ditch for awhile. My ditch. I'll retreat and stay. I think I need a little time to piece things together. Am I being difficult with myself and the things that I want? I need to try a little harder. I need something.
There are always those people that you know who are hilarious. Ones with which, no matter how long the absence or boring the situation, you can always laugh, and not stop. Those are the best times. Everything is humorous and genius. This really has nothing to do with anything. I was just thinking about friends. Funny friends. These are just some of my favourite things… I am sick of reading books. I never thought that would happen, I loved reading before. I can't stand boring things anymore, my tolerance is gone. So if I'm reading you, you better be good.
I think I have a new found respect for people. For the last while, I was feeling like everyone was utterly useless, and if not everyone, most people. But today my opinion has been changed. Sure, the useless dominate, but I just need to seek those out who aren't so horribly stupid. And if my friends are any indication, I have found some. The challenge comes in not being bogged down by the others. I don't know how successful I will be in this endeavour, but I can try at the very least. Trying, how hard that is at times.
I've been doing some heavy thinking. I honestly do think I have wasted a lot of this year. So many more things could have been done with the time allotted to me. So I didn't have a great time of it, but I never really do. Thinking back, that's just it. And I don't think that this might radically change any time soon. The question becomes, what do I do now? Shall I continue in this place, headed towards a goal I never really wanted? Should I aim for what I'm not even sure I want anymore? I don't know.
No matter what, I still don't want to. I hate one day, love the next, but I never really want to disappoint. That's just how it is now with everyone. I want to say sorry. I feel like a selfish person, I know I ignore so many things I shouldn't. I am the idiot. Just that at times, I feel inadequate. And I don't know how to be honest about it. I feel I am faking everything. And at times everything feels like a lie. This isn't making sense is it. But it made sense when I wrote it. Understand.
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