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I need to get used to this waking up alone thing. I'm not resting well and I know it. Even when I get more than 4 hours sleep, I could easily fall right back.
Yeah, I know what it is. It's that evil known as depression... ripping and tearing to get to my soul.
But days like this I laugh at it because I know I am stronger. Not really strong for myself, but for the ones I Love... the ones I know need me.
It's "the plan" my God has for me...
the only reason I don't question it.
How I wish my car wasnt broke.
Being dependent on other people to get to work, to the grocery store, to the doctor.
And then you have the people who dont show up to help when they say they will.
If I lose my job, he may lose a limb.
I may pull the last few hairs he has out of his Oompa Loompa looking head...is that a felony? Here I sit waiting on him again tonite. Will I make it to work tonite?
I can still look over at the Grandbaby sleeping and feel the calm that I need.
That, my friend, is unconditional Love.
Funny how you can have so many different "levels" of friends.
You have co-workers, neighbors, friends of friends.
Friends that you havent seen or heard from since High School, but still consider them friends.
And then you have that one bestest friend.
Pal, bud, bro, sis...whatever you may call them.
Me, I call mine MyOldLady.
I miss her terribly.
The internet and the phone are not enough sometimes.
I miss seeing her laugh.
I miss chatting over coffee.
I miss watching chick flicks and crying together.
Now more than ever we need each other
because no one else understands
like we do
what we're going through.
Our lives run parellel like a train track.
The mornings are getting colder.
I dont have a problem with this at all. I like waking up under warm covers and sliding out of bed to the slightly colder air in the bedroom.
Oh, how I miss "real" winters.
Growing up on Lake Erie was great.
In the summer, I was a 15 minute walk to the beach. In the winter, we would have lake-effect snows that sometimes left 4 or 5 feet drifts in our yard that looked like waves from the lake. I would love to experience that again. I know it would make me feel like a lil kid again.
I'll be taking a road trip Sunday.
I will, once again, be able to look into the eyes of the man I love.
I miss him terribly.
Some days more than others.
I swore that I would never do this again. I never wanted to be alone again. Some days I cry when I wake up and see his pillow, empty, beside me.
I've been told so many times in my life that God will not put more on me than I can handle. But, ya know, sometimes he comes so close ... right to the edge.
I pray everyday for strength to get through this.
I fear for her and her child.
I hate that there are 300 miles between us. This is one of the few times that I wish I had never moved. I'm not sure what I could do if I were there, but at least I would be there.
And I "do" know what she's going through...the whole been there, done that thing...the same, but different.
She is probably the only one that understands now why I stand by my man. I meant every word I said when I took my vows, as did she.
I pray that her and her family will be safe.
Today is a good day
We stare into each others eyes.
No need not speak.
There are no words to express the Love that we share.
It is like nothing that either of us have experienced in our lives.
We know that we are blessed.
Not a day passes that we dont thank our God for each other. Even though He is testing us with this lil "trial" that He is putting us through.
We will begin again
when given the chance.
This will only make us stronger.
We are bigger than this.
The glass between us is like a concrete wall,
but I can still feel your Love through it.
And another week begins.
I really shouldnt complain.
My weekend was good. Lets just hope this week is better than the last.
Im a lil worried about my daughter. I believe she is going through some depression
That scares me.
The last time I remember her like this was about three years ago.
That scares me even more.
I treasure my role as a Mother.
I believe Ive been a good one.
I know Ive truly done my best...
but you wonder sometimes if your kids know that.
crying yourself to sleep
gray hairs from worry
NOT beating the shit out of them
The hardest job on earth
but I wouldnt change a thing
Do you ever wish you didnt know someone so well that you know their next move?
Thats how I feel sometimes about my husband.
The last 8 months have been pure hell.
I know within minutes when the phone will ring. When it doesnt only the worst thoughts go through my head.
Well, its not like they shouldnt, I guess.
There are so many reasons why he cant call "on time".
So many more bad than good.
I know my blood pressure is up.
My mind is racing.
I pray that he is safe.
Is his heart OK?
I pray for the phone to ring.
I just wanna hear his voice, Lord.
My tooth hurts.
There are two pains that are almost unbearable for me...toothache and earache.
Ive taken a Lortab but its not helping much.
I do believe my drug of choice, if I were going to become some kind of junkie, would be Lortab.
Ive tried some shit in my years.
Ive never put a needle in my arm.
Ive smoked alot of weed.
Ive put stuff up my nose.
Ive tripped several times.
That was the 70s
Sex, Drugs & Rock-n-Roll...and all were pretty safe fun.
2 out of the 3 can kill ya these days...well, hell, some people even say that music can kill ya...or make you kill yourself.
I think about having a make-over.
I think about having my nose fixed where my ex (also known as Shithead) broke it for me several years ago.
I think about having a tummy tuck to remove this "thing" that hangs from where I had my 2 children.
I think if I lost another 20 pounds I would probably then need some liposuction.
I think I could do without a face-lift...a change in diet would do my face a world of good.
I think this whole plan I have for my body would cost more than I could possibly afford at this point in my life.
Today is one of those days.
If I could, I would just lay in bed. Yeah, not good for a bad day....only make it worse, I know.
Why does there have to be so many things that I have no fucking control over?
I feel so powerless.
I want so badly to hurt someone.
Someone I dont even know.
Someone who is causing chaos in the lives of people I Love dearly.
I want her to hurt.
I want to fuck up her world.
I want her to suffer.
My Momma always said "teh bad" will come back to you 10 fold, so this bitch has it coming to her!
Justice Is Served On A Silver Platter
Here ya go, Scott Peterson.
Take a nice big portion you scumbag.
Im not sure what I want your punishment to be.
Lets weigh the options, here:
**Pound Me In The Ass Prison for life
Personally, I think death is an easy out for you and others like you.
So, my vote goes for you getting locked away in a shit-hole prison.
No, no, not a Country Club Prison.
No cable TV.
No recreation / workout room.
But unfortunately I am not your judge.
Your true judgement will come from my God.
Im putting in a request to be present for that judgement.
rot in hell, Scott
Oh, how I want to be optimistic for her.
I want everything to be "normal" again.
My prayers will continue, of course, but they will change.
The whole recovery thing comes in to play now.
Recovery from the addiction.
Recovery from the distrust.
Recovery from the hurt.
Recovery from the financial side.
There is no band-aid for this.
It scares the hell out of me because the track record on these situations suck.
They suck bad.
I have told her I am behind her 100% in whatever her decisions may be..and I mean that.
She just needs to realize that we are powerless over this "evil" that we are both dealing with.
Oh, my Im praying so hard.
One of my biggest fears just may be materializing before my very eyes.
What sucks the most is that there is nothing that I can do about it.
How strange that for so many years you have some control over your kids lives, then one day you realize they are grown.
Sure, you can give advice,
and hope they listen,
but parents arent supposed to know what the hell they are talking about, remember?
We are old-fashioned.
We arent supposed to remember what its like to be young.
But we do.
We've been there, done that.
And we do know what is best for them.
A knock at the door.
I peek out the mini blinds, but they have their back to me.
I absolutely HATE answering the door, not knowing who it is.
I dont think they intentionally snuck up on me.
So, I open the door.
I think I recognize him,
this man of color.
His eyes are so familiar,
but I just cant put a name to the face.
"May I help you?" I ask.
He has no expression on his face.
"No, I guess not" he says.
"I know you, dont I?"
Still no expression on his face.
Then I realize its my neice's husband!!
No fair...he'd cut his hair since I'd last seen him.
Thank You, Lord for answered prayers!
The last couple of weeks were too stressful for a woman of my age.
People my age have heart-attacks and strokes over less stress.
Ive never been happier to see something blood-stained soaking in my bathroom sink.
I literally felt weight being lifted from my shoulders.
I was so over-joyed I actually did a lil dance right there.
My eyes were tearing up.
I thanked my God out loud.
I could have swore I heard him say "You're Welcome"
I must have known in my heart that everything was going to be alright.
I hadnt even mentioned it to MyOldLady.
Answered prayers are the shiznit!
Ive never lived alone.
Now I get to see what its like.
And Im not sure how I feel about this.
Im a big girl...
all grown up and shit,
but I dont like being alone.
Even when it was just me and the kids, I was still not alone.
Is there something wrong with me?
Im supposed to look forward to this time in my life.
Raise the kids,
get them out of the house,
time to live my own life, now.
But Im not sure how to do this.
Ive always been a Mom.
Im still a Mom,
but no kids in the house.
It just feels wrong.
Momma's turn to grow up now???
I'll take "Ouchie" for $1000, please, Alex
This tooth has been bothering me for several weeks now.
Ive got excellent insurance through work, so it wasnt about the $$.
Ive never had a really "bad" experience at the dentist, so it wasnt that, either.
I just dreaded hearing how much "work" I needed to get my teeth back to somewhat normal.
But he didnt.
He was sympathetic to how much pain I must be in, wrote me 'scripts for anti-biotics & pain meds (w00t) and told me to come back next week to get it pulled.
me thinks I like my new dentist...and Lorcet is my Friend
Thank God this week is over
I need some real rest.
Not just sleep, but rest.
My body is tired.
My mind is tired.
My spirit is tired.
Why is it that we sometimes push ourselves to the point of total exhaustion?
Sure, we know its not good for us,
but still we push on.
I Love my Grandbaby with all that I am.
I lose sleep just watching her sleep.
Afraid that Im going to miss something.
She wakes me sometimes to share the smallest thing.
To tell me that SpongeBob is on.
To tell me she has juice.
To tell me she saw a bee.
She wakes me to tell me Nite-Nite.
Nite-Nite Granny's Baby.
It had been 261 days
-since my skin touched his
-since our lips touched
-since I felt his breath on my neck
Today, for the first time in 261 days, I got to hold the Love of my life.
It was only for a minute...
literally a minute...
but it was the best minute Ive experienced in 261 days.
He got to spend 10 minutes with the Grandbaby.
They just looked into each others eyes and held onto each other so tightly.
None of us could hold back the tears.
Never take for granted that lil hug or kiss you get on a daily basis.
I know that I never will again.
It looks like I'll be alone
For the first time
I think in my life
I may be alone on Thanksgiving.
This bothers me...
I have went out of my way on several occassions to make sure that people
didnt have to be alone on holidays.
I never wanted to see someone go through that.
You know what makes it suck most?
Everyone is telling me about their plans.
About their menus.
And they all know Im alone this year.
And no one is offering to help me through my first holiday alone.
Not even family members.
Im crying like a lil baby.
I hurt like one.
I just dont want to be alone.
My mind is playing tricks on me
Maybe its some sort of mid-life crisis shit or something.
One day I dont know how Im going to make it living alone, then the next Im sitting here thinking how nice it is.
I miss my Grandbaby and kids terribly.
More than I thought I would, actually.
But it's also nice to have lots of "me" time. I had forgotten what that is like.
My whole adult life has been dedicated to being a Mommy, just like I had always planned.
I know my kids Love me,
but I kinda feel useless.
A lil selfish even.
Growing up at 45 feels odd.
Well, tomorrow is "The Day"
My first holiday by myself.
I feel like Im having little anxiety attacks when I think about it.
I think I have a game plan, though.
-crash for awhile after work in the mornin
-make myself some breakfast
-get comfy in sweats
-watch a parade or two on TV
-do a little gaming online
-probably watch some football
Maybe someone will drop by and bring me some Thanksgiving munchies.
If not, its a salad and a sammich for me.
Im really going to miss cooking for my family.
Maybe next year we'll all be together...
but Christmas is coming & both of the kids & Grandbaby will be here!
Well, this day is over...finally.
This was a long day.
I guess since I was so looking forward for it to be over, it just dragged on and on.
I wonder at this point if I need to gear myself up for more "alone" holidays in the future.
It looks like I very well may be alone for Christmas.
The daughter will be in Florida working.
The son in the Navy & cant get home until December 28.
And I'll more than likely be alone New Years.
this is going to take some getting used to!
I keep telling myself Im supposed to be enjoying this...
but it aint happening.
Today is our 2nd Anniversary
Two years ago today we stood before that lil old man, our God, and our Angels, and vowed to spend the rest of our lives together.
and in health...
till we go to be with my Mom&Dad.
Hard to believe that we've already been tested in each one of those vows in just 2 short years.
We are being tested right now
on a daily basis.
We just have to believe that our God will not put more on us than we can handle.
But, damn, it seems like sometimes he's pushing me real close to the edge.
Ive slept way too much today.
I know thats not a good thing.
I probably would have slept more if the phone wouldnt have rang every 30 minutes or so.
this ended up being a very good day, indeed.
The daughter and Grandbaby wont be moving until after the first of the year.
They will be here for Christmas.
They'll be here when Uncle WeyoWeyo comes to visit from the Navy.
They'll be here for New Years.
This means I wont be alone for another holiday...
not just yet, anyways.
I know there will be holidays
that I will be here alone.
Im thankful now that its not 2 in a row.
I cant find my balls!
Ive decided to put up the Christmas tree. Maybe it will somehow kick-start my spirit.
All things Christmas were supposed to be in a box together.
Everything is there but the ornaments.
So Ive started the
lilmomma ornament fund
Im requesting one bulb from everyone I know.
When my tree is fully decorated, I will take a picture, print them off as Christmas cards, and give to all that donated.
Ya know, Im pretty proud of myself.
I very rarely have creative ideas like this.
So, there you have it.
I dont know why I felt the need to share this.
Thank you for stopping by.
The things you do for Love
Is it just me, or does everyone do / say things out of Love for others, but it seems to be taken the wrong way.
Like maybe Im intentionally trying to hurt those that I Love?
I just hate to see people get hurt.
Especially people that I Love.
So many times I try to let my experiences in life lead me to giving
what I feel
is good advice.
But it seems that
more often than not
I end up hurting someones feelings.
God knows I would never do this intentionally.
I just feel the need to help.
I want you to be happy, not crying.
Another month behind us
Most of the time that I try to put behind us is on a daily basis.
But every now and then we actually get to say a
Just a few more months
and we'll be able to say
a year has passed.
March 5 2004
That date is tattooed on my brain
if you call bullshit
then you've never been where I am at
...pray that you never are.
If you want,
I will pray for you, as well.
This is a tortureous life.
I need to step back for a minute
well, for a month or two
We need to concentrate on teh Grandbaby
and her Holidays now.
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