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Inhale. Feel life expand within. Dizzy your head. Freeze your thoughts. Feel strength, consume your whole. Feel the air as it runs chills through you. Makes your body tingle. Close your eyes. Capture the moment. Bury the memory. The memory of this feeling. Feeling powerful, invincible, renewed. Remember this breath. This breath that could be your last. This breath that could be your first. This breath could be all you have left in life. Enjoy. Breathe in. Feel high. Savor that high. Let the shiver run up your spine, let the breath cool your mouth. But don't forget to exhale.
Five hours on my feet today. Still sore from working out. Still sick from lack of sleep. Still look like crap from spending yesterday in bed. Unpretty and dirty, no make-up and lack of concern in appearance, and of course, to no fail, I saw him. On an "aimless" road trip, he had "coincidentally" ended up at the mall, just HAPPENED to come to my store. To see ME! And besides the fact that I was sick, sounded funny, looked crappy, and hadn't yet eaten, I walked around with him for awhile, I was so happy to see him. Serendipity.
Being naïve, having fallen for someone. Being in love. So it felt that way. I could spend hours in his company, I did spend hours in his company. Endless evenings spent together, some with a room full of people, some only the two of us. Stretched out on the couch, Comedy Central re-runs. Falling asleep, matching my breathing to the pattern of his chest moving up, and down. Waking up with his fingers laced through my own. Waiting so long to taste his lips. I had only enough time to lick the sweetness from his kiss before, he was gone.
Untamed and irrational thought. Raw, fantastical and imaginary emotion. A story, a tale, a dream, behind my eye lids.
Why can't we live in our dreams? Maybe the lack of control over our actions would be easier. Maybe I'm kidding myself. Dreams are sweeter, easier to accept… …include sexy guys Sexy guys that like me…now that's a dream. Guys who see me as beautiful and funny and…not one of the guys. Not just a "buddy", not someone whose heart should be broken… I'm thinking GIRLFRIEND Someone who sees me and ignores all the other girls around, because I'm just that…BREATH-TAKING.
Clock stuck on 10:10…wishing for 11:11. Ten ten. Eleven Eleven. Sweep me off my feet, I'm sick of reality. I'm sick of clocks stuck on the same time, sick of looking at the clock, hoping for a change. I'm too lazy to put in a battery. I guess that would help. But its better to complain. Wow look…still Ten ten…10:10…time flies when you're having fun, it never changes when you aren't then. Not a whole lot to say, not today, not any day, not yesterday, not tomorrow…but I'll write on and pretend there is. And I leave you with, THIS.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six twenty-seven twenty-eight twenty-nine thirty thirty-one thirty-two thirty-three thirty-four thirty-five thirty-six thirty-seven thirty-eight thirty-nine forty forty-one forty-two forty-three forty-four forty-five forty-six forty-seven forty-eight forty-nine fifty fifty-one fifty-two fifty-three fifty-four fifty-five fifty-six fifty-seven fifty-eight fifty-nine sixty sixty-one sixty-two sixty-three sixty-four sixty-five sixty-six sixty-seven sixty-eight sixty-nine seventy seventy-one seventy-two seventy-three seventy-four seventy-five seventy-six seventy-seven seventy-eight seventy-nine eighty eighty-one eighty-two eighty-three eighty-four eighty-five eighty-six eighty-seven eighty-eight eighty-nine ninety ninety-one ninety-two ninety-three ninety-four ninety-five ninety-six ninety-seven ninety-eight ninety-nine ….DONE
Seventeen years ago, a seven pound, fourteen ounce baby, was introduced to a new world, to a loving family. I was born. My biological dad, not knowing his head from his ass, decided not to be part of my life when I was about three, haven't seen him since. I spent the first six years growing up with my loving mom and Grandpa, who molded me to become a someone great. My mom and I moved out right before I began first grade to live with her boyfriend, a man I am proud to call Dad. Happy Birthday to me.
I hate him sometimes. I tried to win him back, wrote emails that tried to explain, left voicemails, only to wait for a response that would never come. He never acted like he cared, like he had read them, like it meant anything that I was pouring my heart out to him. I kick myself in the ass, asking why I bother, why I still care, when it's clearly not returned. Then I remember, and miss him more. Any response would ease my pain, let me know he tried, he read it at least! Why can't he love me back?
The birthday had come. The snow had begun. The day's plans were shot. The day would be no fun. One friend here, one friend there, seemed her friends were everywhere. Except with her. The next day was a bust, spent cleaning her room. This birthday weekend - was already doomed. Saturday night seemed blown. Everyone was too busy, or had plans of their own. Maybe they would have tried harder if they had known. "Happy birthday to you…"…to me But with a friendly date, she was off in the night… Did it save her lousy weekend? I think it might…
Busy day! Returned to school from being sick last week, but we got an early dismissal for snow. Then I worked out, saw that cutie there too, I'll have to get him to take me out sometime. Then I was with Liz and we went to Wal*Mart, always a good time there, she's going on a trip to Costa Rica soon! Lucky her, warm weather is welcomed here! And to top the filling day, I had to WORK! AH! Probably the hardest work I've ever done there, unloading boxes, hanging clothes up, cutting up the boxes and customer service… blah
*AAHHHHHHHHHH* Aggravated by the day, irritated with life. Need a good song. Looking, looking… there must be one. Ah ha… here. Bush "Glycerine" a cure all, feel good song for when you're feeling bad. Never fails. "It must be your skin, I'm sinking in. It must be for real ‘cause now I can feel… It's not my time to wonder why… Now your here, now your away… I'm never alone I'm alone all the time, are you at one or do you lie we live in a wheel were everyone steals, and when we rise its like strawberry fields… Glycerine."
Have you ever noticed the shimmery white frosting on the bare branches after a light snow?
Have you ever looked into the sky to see the polka dotted silver sparkles?
Have you ever fallen asleep comforted by the shower turned on against your window pane?
Have you ever rolled the window down in the middle of winter, closed your eyes and pretended it was summer?
Have you ever seen a parent comforting a crying child by simply giving them a warm hug?
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep and could still taste the salt in the morning on your lips?
It's been another busy week. Monday school and work. Tuesday school and shopping with mom… and Gilmore Girls yay! Wednesday was MORE school and then I worked out for a little while, went to a wrestling match, saw some old friends. Thursday, school again, and then out with Dad to play pool. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and excitement is unlikely. I have to work tomorrow night too, that will only add to the dismal aspect to the unromantic day. February vacation starts after school ends tomorrow, seems like we just had Christmas but no complaints here. WHERE IS SUMMER THOUGH?
VALENTINE'S DAY IS:
A whole lot of CRAP if you ask me. Ha, so I'm not a hopeless romantic, well not today at least, just without love I suppose. It's simply a hallmark created holiday, on crack might I add, to get women to eat lots of chocolate that goes right to our butts, thighs and love handles, for guys to waste precious thought power with "what should I get her?" running through their precious little minds, and for cute little bear stuffed animals to be forgotten in a week's time. But I guess… it'd be nice to love someone.
Was about to say, "wow half way through February already!" but I am wrong! I chose a good month to "try" this out on (even though I liked it from Day 1, ok maybe 2) it being the shortest month and all. ALREADY half way through, getting closer. *OOH the suspense is killing me* Anywho, today was, interesting. Went to my school for a wrestling tournament and rooted for another team, hung out w/ my out-of-towners, got up some guts and made an ass of myself to Jim and hung out with some drunk and stoned people. Gotta love Saturdays.
Last night was a definite bust. I made a complete jerk of myself with Jim, my sort of ex-boyfriend, I guess. I finally brought important things up, after months of basically acting like enemies since our… diminish. I mean, we've "talked" sorta, but nothing that mattered, nothing that nags at me constantly. "Can you tell me why you hate me now?" Didn't go over well. Came down to him basically saying that he didn't care about it anymore, he didn't know why, and that it was "funny" how I was still stuck on it still. It's not funny, it's sad
It snowed so much today, my friend described it as "its snowing cocaine outside" the snow was so fine, that it added up so fast, we are supposed to get up to thirty inches! SO there went my first weekday of February vacation, I have the whole week off and already, we're getting snowed in, all snow does is ruin plans. Hopefully this is the last snow for awhile, and that I can get out of the house again tomorrow. I had plenty of movies to watch at least, Bully, About a Boy, L.I.E. and some TV movies. HATE SNOW!
Tough to sum yourself up at all, let alone in exactly one hundred words. I suppose I'm a little different than the average girl, but come on, who said average was any fun? I adore music, I'm a Kazaa freak and download music and new songs daily. I like anything from Ella Fitzgerald to Elliot Smith to Led Zeppelin to Mest to musicals like Phantom and Les Miserables. I'm always willing to hear something new, and I love almost every kind of music, I usually steer from country but I'll admit, I enjoy a couple. Don't tell on me though!
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. *Antoine de Saint Exupery When you think as little as possible, perfection might just appear *Unknown The truth is rarely pure and never simple. *Oscar Wilde Thought it would be easy filling this with quotes, but I'm getting lazy to be honest with you, whoever that includes. I think quotes are great, I love reading them, but you can't live your life by them, by what others have discovered for themselves, without discovering it for yourself. I love being right.
October 28th, 2002 They lay on the bed face to face, without the courage to look into each other's eyes. The eyes were too revealing; every truth and every lie, could be seen; no… to look up was to leave one too vulnerable. Unsure of herself, scared of ruining a friendship, or maybe more scared of building one, she kissed him. It was brief, and soft, and she pulled away, fearing his reaction. He pulled her closer, their lips met again, and all her thoughts froze. She didn't know she was going to fall in love with him. She did.
And no guy since you has helped me to forget
And all your nasty words, still haven't gotten through.
And those looks too.
But with every bad encounter, there is a sweet recollection.
Of that true affection.
And it makes me miss you more, I try harder to understand.
The complexity of man.
Never had I ever seen you as happy as when you were with me.
Didn't you see?
The words I found so hard to say back, to smile was all I could do.
"I love you"
But now, what I say, means nothing to you
Whoever wrote the "Book Of Parenting" should sue their editor. How many parents use the phrases "Grow Up!" Plenty. Then we're told to "Act our age". And then we are told "You're growing up too fast". How does any of this guide children when they are all downright contradicting? Also when we're young, when our minds are forming, they tell us "look your best" for all occasions. In the midst of schooling years, we're then told that "appearances don't matter" and "don't judge a book by its cover" again… what are we supposed to believe? Our original teaching or present?
I wrote this in 2002, the first Christmas since my Grandpa had passed away. Holidays are an aching reminder of loved ones that we can't share them with any longer.
Christmas is: "Time spent with loved ones" or maybe just time spent missing loved ones. Christmas is: "Exchanging gifts with family and friends" or more like exchanging the things you hated back to the stores you don't shop at. Christmas is: "Recognizing Jesus' birthday" or really just using religion as an excuse to shop and not feel guilty about the money spent. Christmas is: awfully shitty without you. Define Christmas...
Sometimes it's all I can do. Detach myself from life. To make life easier. But honestly, it never helps for long. My mind wanders back to reality, Or maybe just a twisted imagination, That I contain inside my head. In my head, I can still picture us together. I once again can be held in your arms, Smothered by your kisses, Warmed by your touch. In my head I can rewind and play scenes over, Changing them to my liking. I would change so much if I knew I could have you back. (this is to be continued, next entry)
(continued from yesterday) I regret not holding you longer. I regret not kissing you more. Mostly I regret not telling you the truth. I do. I loved you.
Things were too fast. I was too quick to question you. I didn't let me heart answer, I let my head think. But. If you love someone… Wouldn't you accept their silence? Couldn't you overlook my hesitation in words, and instead look at all the ways I said "I love you" in how my actions? For someone who "loved" me… You left me behind pretty fast. Maybe my silence wasn't in vain.
Cant Catch You
I cant catch up
The leads too far
And as i keep running
I forget who you are
But that doesn't help
I still think of you
And the memories aren't clear
But I'm still in love with you
Please wait for me at the finish.
Don't let me end alone.
I cant run this race without you
I don't want to do this alone
But that doesn't help
I still think of you
And the memories aren't clear
But I'm still in love with you
I'm still… hopelessly, in love, with…
but you still hate me
School has been pretty lousy. In English, our midterm was a project that we did in a group, and it was intense, a lot of time together and a lot of work and thought. And now that we've finished, midterms are long since past, we get another assignment, this time, a thesis paper, a ten page thesis paper. This man is surely off his rocker, and if he isn't, I'm about to push him off it. I have so much shit going on as it is, I don't want to have this added on as more stress. Amen to summer.
My friend suggested I read existential books. He went on to explain "Existential means like… the premise of the book, the underlying theme, is basically… there is no higher power, no order of life, shit happens and it doesn't mean anything deep, no one is looking out for you, there is no "higher power" looking over mankind's well being..." Maybe he's right, maybe I'm so over-analytical that I miss the simplicity that might lie beneath. I think there are signs, that things happen for a reason, and maybe I'm going about life all wrong, maybe "shit just happens"
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