10/01 Direct Link
So here's the deal. I've discovered something about myself. I'm disintegrating. No, seriously, parts of my body are just leaving. When I say disintegrate I mean the opposite of integrate. The odd part is that I feel no pain, and everything seems to be working just fine. I can still feel my feet, and they're somewhere around Pittsburg. I see Russia right now, 'cause that's where my eyes are. Some parts of the world taste so different. Anyway, though, I feel really good about it. I think it's definately a step in the right direction for me. How are you?
10/02 Direct Link
It's time for everything to break down. I'm gettin' sick of all this crap, people tryin' to take, take, take. I ain't got nothing to give any more. I all down to bone. If you want the bones, you get em'. They here for the takin'.

I decided that I don't need bones, they no good to me anyhow. And if people want me, they can have me.

Just don't you be botherin' me with askin' me about it. I don't care if you take my bones. Just don't you make a peep, and we both be happy, ya dig?
10/03 Direct Link
Near the end of it all, I assume that everyone will be crying. But when they can see the end, they will choke back the tears, and take it with a straight face, a grim determination, something akin to the resolve we used to have back in the old days.

They will hold their children, waiting for the sun to come and take them home, the heat, the warmth, and they won't be afraid anymore, because somebody willhave told them that everything is going to be okay.

Not me, though. I'll be behind the curtain, fighting for my chance.
10/04 Direct Link
I feeeeeel sick. Not physically, but mentally. It's like, when you wake up in the morning (we're talking 10th grade here) and don't want to go to school, so you think your sore throat (which really came from the fact that your mouth was open snoring all night) is indicative of the bubonic plague. I feel like that, but mentally.

I want something that explains why I'm miserable. Not just this "I'm where I want to be right now or else I wouldn't be there." But like, I want brain fever or something so I can get out of living.
10/05 Direct Link
Awake, asleep, awake, asleep. It never ends. Just once I would like to sustain either of the two states for longer than just a mere 12 hours at a time. I would like to be awake for 3 weeks straight, doing everything I need to do, watching TV I was never meant to watch, seeing things I was never meant to see.

And sometimes, I wish I could stay in a dream state for weeks on end. My dreams are often wonderfully disconcerting, and they make my life seem interesting. I just can't stand sitting around doing nothing all day.
10/06 Direct Link
Nothing quite like drinking a cold coke after you've been sweating. For some reason, the acidic glee is the height of my existence. I love the feeling of the salty-sweet black death sliding down my throat, causing my innards to rot out from within me. It completely cancels out the wholesomeness caused by the activity that just caused me to sweat.

And that's what coke is all about. Balance. No way could I become one of those exercising yuppie bastards, full of nothing but good. I need a little gray in my life. I need to take my daily dosage.
10/07 Direct Link
I'm sick of work. Always having to prove my worth. Why can't someone ever see me without using some kind of sample, some sort of magnifying lens to examine the fine grain? I want someone to notice, to see what I do, I want to be an "A", not just have one of my projects get an "A."

It's not fair. I feel as though I am worth nothing, having to stay up every night, doing my schoolwork. I can't even play my damned videogames because I'm so busy. I am so pissed off right now, I can barely write.
10/08 Direct Link
I am tired. I want the sleepiness to end. I want to be a statue, never changing, always aware, staring forward, never having to worry about nodding off. Their eyes are always open (if they indeed were born that way.) Theirs is a dignity unknown to man, although they are typically based on those human beings who created them. It's odd, that indefinable magic that art has.

If a wizard were to come in here right now and turn me to stone, I wouldn't complain. At least it would take away the dull pain that is sleepiness. I need that.
10/09 Direct Link
I feel much better. I can attribute the betterness to little things. Like brightly colored leaves, the smell of old ice from the freezer, the way that cement feels for that brief second after you dropped whatever it was you were carrying, or the repressed hum of people walking by as you're trying to read. I smell, touch, see, hear and taste the world, and feel better. It's as if there are things bigger than my petty problems. And that's comforting. If the stress gets to me too much, I just go out and experience. The world is my therapy.
10/10 Direct Link
Well, little piggy, why the hell are you here? Is it the smell of bacon, that made you come running, trying to avenge the death of your brothers? Did you see the severed heads in my front yard, the flies and maggots crawling through the eye sockets, skirting between the bone and rotten flesh? Did you smell the hog blood from miles away, at your trough. eating your goddamned heart out, trying to find salvation in your food? I can't help you, no one can help you, you're a worthless piece of unprocessed pork. Fuck you, little piggy, fuck you.
10/11 Direct Link
Don't tell me it'll be over soon. Don't tell me that it'll be safer on the other side. I know it won't. They'll continue fucking me over, leaving me empty, taking all I have to give, stealing my faith and robbing me of dignity. They'll just have to find different ways of doing it once the rules don't allow for it any more.

And you know the really sad thing? I did this to myself. I'm in this situation because I want to be. I let her come in, and do this to me. And I keep letting it happen.
10/12 Direct Link
he came out of nowhere i swear to god there he was nothing youd ever seen before telling me that i should get the ice cream out of the freezer and i was like ok and he walked behind me and i went to the freezer and there was the ice cream brown with the heaviness of death i looked at it longingly but he made me get it and i grabbed it but finally we went to the forest and here we are hes making me eat the ice cream and i hate him i wish he would die
10/13 Direct Link
Trapped inside a warm squishy vat of squish, I find myself thinking. The vat is huge, meandering here and there, everywhere you look there's a cold steel wall. You'd think that if the walls are everywhere, it would be a very small vat, but no, it's not, it's actually quite large. I think it's a maze of some sort, which would make it not quite a vat, but whatever. I just like the sound of the word vat. So, here I am, caught in the vat, trying to get out, being thwarted on every turn by a cold steel wall.
10/14 Direct Link
It's all a bunch of crap.

They tell you that going to a university will make you think more "critically" and that you'll be a more "intelligent person." The real truth is that they are evil ants from outer space that want to eat our brains (being made of soft, tender meat) and the best way to do it to us undetected is to set up this maniacally elaborate scheme where we pay them gobs of money and they massage our brains into complacency and then, when we're not lookin', they swipe 'em from us and dine like the bourgeoisie.
10/15 Direct Link
I hold the universe together. I am the binding glue that exists between all the heterogeneous elements that makes them appear as one. Nothing would exist without me, yet no one knows who I am. I am completely ignored. Sometimes I get sick of doing this. I imagine the universe separate, un-linked, and lonely, and it makes me happy for a second. But then I remember that everything is organized into complimentary units, not individual components, and I weep. At great length. I get on with my life and hold everything together again. Because I am a stupid fucking moron.
10/16 Direct Link
I am sick of not feeling anything. I wait for every day to finish, thinking that I might eventually feel something other than anxiety. But it never happens. Sometimes, I meet friends who make me think of a time when I felt joy, love, pain, but I can't talk anymore. I am trapped inside a prison by own choice. I could leave whenever. But I don't want to hurt the feelings of the prison. Sometimes, however, I remember that prisons don't have feelings, but then I look, and it looks so much like a person that I can't possibly leave.
10/17 Direct Link
Blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg. Blarg! BLARG! Blarg. Blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg BLARG blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg blarg grey.
10/18 Direct Link
Yeah, so I was talking to Veronica the other day, and she told me that she thought that Ken was finally starting to come around. I told her that was wonderful, and she just smiled. Around her mouth, her skin curled in such a strange way, that I couldn't help staring at it for a few moments. She asked me what was wrong, but I didn't respond. I was mesmorized by the wrinkles near her lips. She asked me again, and I was jarred back into normality. I told her that Ken was just what she needed, and she agreed.
10/19 Direct Link
I am entirely within the cheese. Everywhere I look, there is nothing but cheese. Not that holey kinda swiss-stuff, but cheese. Real, runny, disgusting, rennet-fortified cheese. The stuff they kill calves for. And it smells terrible, like fermented filthy diapers that were sprayed with a thick coating of vomit.

And did I mention that I can't escape? Oh, how I have tried, but everywhere I swim/fly to, there is nothing but cheese. I am beginning to think that I somehow ended up in an infinite plane of cheese, as a deliberate form of punishment from a divine god-being of sorts.
10/20 Direct Link
It's just not fair. I want to keep it happy, but if I leave, it will be unhappy. I do all sorts of terrible things, but no matter what, it still wants me there. What is it that is so wonderful about me? If I were it, I would be so pissed, that I would have already torn my way out of the cage, seeking a new cage and a new person to watch over it. But I am not. I am just sitting here, in front of the cage, with a sleeping beast that watches every move I take.
10/21 Direct Link
You got to run like an antelope, out of control, control. Send your humanity away in tiny packages off to some corporation that can use it to victimize people. Sell your home, your DVD player, your hi-fidelity stereo system, and run. Run like you were being chased by a cheetah. Because you are being chased my friend, by the bright red spectre of death. You have to run, stay ahead of him by scant meters, or else you'll be back to the old life of computers and sports cars. You got to run like an antelope. Out of conrol, control.
10/22 Direct Link
I'm talkin' about losin my mind. There can't be many monkeys that don't have flea powder out there. There just has to be something to protect me from all the matchsticks out there. I lambaste my rook! Taken out of context, everyone will misconstrue the word "heart." But it's all because of those damned loser republicans, mucking up my personal intestines, thinking that all the butter has been stolen by the Hittites. I am not your god-damned vacuum cleaner, you smelly son of a lumberjack's housekeeper. Nothing will keep me from my personal masturbation machine. You aren't fit to usurp.
10/23 Direct Link
I want to be all the knowledge of the world. I want people to read my body, learning, becoming great because of me. I would claim no guilt for anything done in my name, because it would be the fault of the perpetrator and their warped mind, not me. I am just a bunch of words, and cannot change the world alone. I long to have such an eternal greatness. To have such influence and power. To become the means through which people achieve. I want to be the great enabler, changing the world through countless invisible strands of thought.
10/24 Direct Link
Fuck yall. Im gonna get me a gun and blow all a ya into the water. I gonna watch ya bleed out the holes I gived to ya, and laugh, cause I own you. Im the holes, I done this to you. Ya cant do anything about it. You only got what you can see right there, and you cant see me, Im a ninja, I hide, I wait, I off ya. You aint got no say in the matter. I am your god, cuz I got the gun. You aint got shit, and thatz why you dead, I's alive.
10/25 Direct Link
Stop hide find seek listen hear trip vomit chunk loud acid rock string hair funk cloud air yellow black selphie death skull inner cold pain love remorse skin juice sweet long curving obsessed dark smile absurd cheese goat llama consortium pritchard book page word line steam cog wrench death black white grey tone spot tongue boob lick stand watch trip blood bone bruise trap fort frontier bat goat vampire lucy fangs red blue pantheon state statue k-pax ammonia tent trap slice revolver thanks jewel experience adamantium temper chess knight glove hand foot disease left orphan lump coal dark mine trip
10/26 Direct Link
So, I can't register for my classes because I have a tuition bill to pay. That I have the bill to pay at all is their fault anyway, but that's beside the point. I have to pay this bill before I can register for next semester.

So here's the solution that I think I'm gonna use: I am going to get them to loan me MORE money for a really expensive computer, and then buy a not so expensive computer, and pay them off with the rest.

Something about this just feels really odd to me. Doesn't it to you?
10/27 Direct Link
My life is horrid. I see other people, and the wonder they have, and in comparison to myself, they shine. I am, at best, a dull stone to their shiny polished obsidian. And, as I've stated plumillions of times before, I am this horrid dull stone of my own accord. Nothing I am is without my consent. I control my destiny, and I am not happy with the way it is. I want some change. I want something better. I want to throw away the garbage and get all new stuff. Just so I can throw away again, most likely.
10/28 Direct Link
Jimmy and I are best friends.

Fucking dick worshipper. No, seriously, he has this shrine to dicks he has cut out from porno mags. Whenever anyone looks through the issues he has cut them out of, he simply replies - “You think I’m a fuckin’ fag? I don’t wanna be looking at dicks when I’m jerkin’ off. I cut em out cause I don’t like dick - I’m not a fag.” But he keeps all the tiny little dick pictures. He has this folder full of ‘em.

How do I know?

I told you, Jimmy and I are best friends.
10/29 Direct Link
i feel bad there was nothing i could do because she was there it wasnt my fault she asked and i did it i am supposed to stay behind the fence but walked over it it was easy i have very long legs so i went to talk to her she said i was nice and i said she was nice then we talked about the weather it seems nice lately and she thought so too i was very happy she was so pretty i think she is the prettiest lady in the world i hope she likes me goodbye
10/30 Direct Link


Looking at myself somehow
Through the fog

I see nothing I like

It reflects off the clouds
My worthlessness
But I am not sad

I see a squirrel
And he doesn’t care what all the other squirrels think
He just runs around
Looking for food

I want to be like that

I want to be,
Not just think about being
I want to be unwithheld and free
Doing what I please
Without the constant fear that I feel
Surrounding me

But I’m stuck sitting here writing
Because I think it’s fun

How can I be sure?

10/31 Direct Link
Lifting my stale self out of bed again, I face another day, just like all the others, except this time I was facing it alone. I turned to the vacant spot on my bed, staring at the folds, imagining that she just went to the bathroom and she’d come right back. But then I remembered last night, how I threw the dental floss package at the couch, and it bounced up and almost hit her in the face. Such poorly timed dental floss. She took it as an act of war, and now I have no idea where she is.