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New month, I feel like my life has changed a lot lately. It's exciting, I like the freshness and new experiences. I'm finally going to get back into community service, as I've been threatening for a while – but hadn't committed any time to figuring out where to help or which organization to join. I think I'm going to be an elected board member of an organization dedicated to helping victims of violent crimes (application and election pending.) It's a relatively new organization. I can't wait – I feel like I'll be able to play a key role in getting things going.
What if you had to say something good about every person you came in contact with everyday? Say something, forcing you to think and look for the good and not immediately judge the bad. Maybe it would be as simple as recognizing a trait that you share or admire, or the fact that they are doing something productive or inspiring or the way they are able to show their emotion. The possibilities are endless. What if everyone did this everyday – looked through the pre-programmed differentiation for a common thread. Positive energy would plague the world, would people drop their guns?
It's easy for me to sort of ignore the war, it's over there – out of sight out of mind. It's easier that way. When I start to think about it, I mean really ponder the purpose, the justness, and the effects – I get really pissed off. What the Fuck are we doing? Who do we think we are? Trying to end a religious war that has rumbled for thousands of years by telling them our way is better. War and supporting their beliefs is a constant for them, maybe even they feel a purpose for life. Have we solved anything?
I think I'll start a list of things I want to do in my lifetime. Things I want to be part of or experience, it will be cool to see how those things change over time. I mean, I bet I don't want to look and sing like Debbie Gibson anymore – ok well, some dreams are classic, ha. Like I'm thinking I want to skydive once (maybe on my 30th birthday or something) even though the thought terrifies me. I want to make love under a tropical waterfall, play barefoot in my yard with my child, and read the Odyssey.
It's sort of amazing how much an image can provoke feelings or memories. I mean, it was just a week ago that I was in Atlantic City with him – but I guess my mind doesn't work in a way that allows that to stay in the front for very long. It's like it gets pushed to the back. When I saw the pics, especially one where we are cheek to cheek and I can see how happy I am with him – it's like we are together again. It's probably going to be a while, schedules are busy and timing difficult.
Self-inflicted temporary torture and suspense – why do I do it to myself? Voluntarily join this club for public speaking – knowing the nervousness it draws from me. Maybe to hopefully assuage it in the future. I spoke about voter apathy, discontent with the general political situation. My experience as an uninformed voter in the 2000 election and how I've now become informed. How people my age aren't voting in a hugely disproportionate manor. Meaning, if this trend continues the issues that get the most attention and campaigns are focused on will be coming from an ever-smaller portion of the country. Unfair.
I watched about two hours of T.V. last night, probably the most I've watched in one setting in over a year – if you don't count movies. I mean, I sat there – watching through each commercial even – seeing the ridiculousness. Advertisers should pay me to watch it. Pay me to brainwash me into thinking I NEED a minivan with a sliding passenger door, perfect skin with colormatching makeup, and some rocky mountain beer just to live it up a little. Join a gym to look like a Friend because they have so much fun. Don't forget to ask your doctor about….?
He called last night, we spoke for a few minutes. I wish I didn't feel like I need this attention. It makes me feel really week. Weak like a drug addict or something. Weak like part of me wishes I could be just as happy without talking to him or thinking of him – then I wouldn't feel like something was missing. Be able to enjoy when we talk or hang-out, but don't look forward to it, don't expect it, and surely don't depend on it. Yea, I don't ever let it go this far – I don't like this needing part.
It's Good Friday, the market is closed, things are quiet this morning. I have a lunch meeting at a nursing home today. A nice one, you know the ones that cost only $3,000 a month as opposed to $5,000 usually smell like piss and musty basement. This one is top notch – ridiculous how much it costs. She's always happy for the company, fills me in on the home gossip. Last time I saw a man who was blind in one eye try to use his electronic scooter for the first time and he crashed into one of the dinningroom tables.
Sometimes I read them old emails and letters from him. He sent me EE Cumming - I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart), it makes my eyes well up each time I read it. Our feelings for each other are so strong, he makes me want to. Want to love him, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be with him. Someday I will print out all the emails – funny and serious, sober and drunk, light and deep and that will be the story of how our love has grown. Maybe more like old-fashioned courting.
He's willing to come to Indy and see how things go. He'd be physically leaving a lot of people who love him and depend on him. His relationship with his grandparents is something special. I don't really have a relationship with my grandparents and have always envied those who did, but this is different even from that. He shows his love and commitment by visiting them regularly and they adore him. I don't want that to end because of me, I want to go back and visit them, so full of life and opinion and experience. They are so inspiring.
We were talking the other night on the phone, he said he's trying to enjoy this time with his family and in Etters – since he plans on coming to Indianapolis in July. He's savoring it in a sense. So smart, it changed my perspective, try to enjoy this time. I can't help but pine for him, but maybe I can think of it as time to reflect on me and making sure that I'm where I want to be before we try to meld our lives together. Clean my mental house so I can make a fresh start with him.
Enough of the overcast, dark cloudy days. It makes a person reluctant to open their eyes in the morning and even more hesitant to actually pull themselves from under the warm covers. Still remembering what you were dreaming about enough to know that if need be – you could lay right back down and pick up where you left off. Those mornings, I wish I was a retiree – able to sleep in at late as I want, not go out on days that felt glum– and enjoy every bit of the days that are too nice to be trapped indoors during.
Someone asked, so I thought and counted. This month is the 6th month that I've known him. In many ways it feels like such an understatement. Everything before him seems small and lumped together – like it was all meant to lead up to this. To me it's like I'm the first person in the world to ever feel this. Just goes to show how egocentric we all are. Before him, before I felt this – I never related to and therefore never really liked a lot of sappy love songs –now it's like they are all singing about him and me.
Stress manifests itself very differently in different people. About five years ago, I could classify myself as a high-stress, high-strung person. Probably a direct effect of seeing my parents react to things in that way. Everything seemed intense and therefore at times overwhelming. Shitty drivers, last minute projects, returning phone calls, anything could be the trigger to set off this stressed reaction. I can't pinpoint an exact event/day/time – but it all changed, maybe it's part of growing up. It's like I relinquished the stress and decided everything was just how it should be. Always trying to put things into perspective.
I met an old friend for lunch yesterday. We had that five seconds of uncomfortableness where we were both checking each other out, taking each other in, looking for changes and similarities, so as to assimilate the "new" person with the image held in memory. In actuality it was fleeting. The smiles and hug put it all to an end, and then a sigh and a silly comment. OK, we're back. That quick, over a lunch we caught up on nearly a year of life. We left vowing to never let this much time pass before seeing each other again.
I'm not really a writer, more of an expresser. I read these creative stories, perspectives, ways of telling and it's fascinating. I don't really belong on this website, I'm treating it more like a journal than an attempt to create. I write about what I know, feel, think – but never really writing. I started after he did, just for kicks. It's been interesting, mostly to look back and read my entries, reminding me of what I think/say sometimes. Some of it's embarrassing, seemingly mindless, random and/or boring. The only consistency being 100words and looking for the sparkle in the sand.
Time is tricky and abstract. How could this May mark the fifth year since I graduated college? How could I have lived in Indianapolis, worked for the same company for over four years? How could it only be six months that we've even know each other. The time that he and I have shared seems to be ten times thicker and full of life than like the previous five combined. It's like I'm trying to compare pineapples and grapes….using a telescope – it doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe we're not supposed to be able to compare things like that.
I find out in a few more weeks if I'll have to re-take the exam. I usually have a pretty good instinct when it comes to knowing how well or in this case, how poorly I may have done on a particular test. Why I've even been procrastinating starting to study again until I read "FAIL" in bold is curious. Really, it's stupid – sometimes I piss myself off, now I'll have to pay to take it again, I had a free shot and blew it. Like wishing I had paid more attention in college – regrets are a waste of energy.
I miss him. At night, I look at our picture and fall asleep imagining him lying with me. I loved feeling his body in the middle of the night. It's strange because I've never really felt unsafe or insecure about being alone. I always felt like I'd rather be alone than with someone just because. But there's this new like safeness I feel with him, like everything is ok, life will all work out, I can relax and enjoy and know something is wonderful. It's weird and hard for me to understand sometimes. I found what I never knew existed.
Yesterday I had a bad meeting, I felt like a total jackass afterward and was reliving the conversation in my mind, over and over again. Wish I would have said this, if only I had asked that. Today, my Boss came to a Toastmaster's meeting – and it was my duty to be toastmaster, run the meeting make introductions and segways, wrap it all up. I'm proud of myself – I did my best job to date. I was relaxed and got quite a few laughs and I think the attendees really enjoyed themselves, or at least they acted like it. Redemption
It just feels so good to talk to him. We talked last night, and the minutes turn into hours in seconds and he's so smart, and sometimes I can't believe that we found each other. I get so turned on when I think about the times we've made love and hearing his voice and picturing him, I can't help but bite my lip and sigh. He said he sent me something yesterday, I sent him a card – strange we both did it without knowing. More than anything, I want him to be happy and hopefully he will be with me.
My parents came to visit this weekend. My Dad brought the riding mower with some crazy aerator attachment. Hilarious. I notice this about a lot of men. They have this mentality where they want to push everything to the limit. Watching him flying around my small yard on this big mower doing crazy figure eights. The attachment he was dragging was airborne during some of the maneuvers. My Mom looks at him in horror through my kitchen window. I stand in the front pulling weeds and laughing, making sure to move quickly when I hear him come around the corner.
Looks like that board position is coming to fruition. I got a call from the Board Chair, said he was very interested. I need to call him back to schedule a time to go see the facility, learn more about the organization, meet some of the people who work there and some who benefit form the services they provide. Then meet with Board and introduce myself and hopefully get voted in. The guy seems really nice, from his voice, I suspect he's 30ish and gay, but I've been wrong before. I'm a little nervous about it –more excited than anything.
I was crying last night. Silent hot tears rolling, dark room, cheeks red, my mind racing, then I get mad for feeling like that. I didn't sleep well, had some bad dreams, woke up sort of sad and pissed off and puffy eyed. I couldn't get a hold of my boyfriend. I started thinking about what if I really, really needed him – like I guess I have never had to talk to him – but last night felt pretty close to it. We're too far, and it's hard for me to know how it would be different if he were here.
Then I wake up today and have residual bad feelings from last night. Feeling guilty for even being mad. I know he's busy, I was being dramatic and too demanding to expect him to drop things to return a call. What's fair to expect? We've never really been tested. He said we may not be right for each other once, it made me scared, last night though I thought about it and it made me mad. If it would be that easy for him to end it, how could we last through something ugly? Do we know each other enough?
I talked to an old friend today – it was so great. As soon as she called she started laughing – saying my "professional" voice cracks her up. She called out of the blue wanting to set me up with someone who she thought would be perfect. Told her how in love I am, I told her that the other part of missing him is the fear that it's going to go away. She said it was the sweetest thing she's ever heard me say. Then we couldn't stop laughing, reminiscing. Forgot how much I miss her, set a date to visit.
Went to lunch with friends, talked about politics, pets, and planting grass seed. Too windy to sit at an outside table. I can't wait for the summer – I love taking my lunch to the park - just sitting there for an hour, forgetting that I'm working that day, forgetting that I'm even in Indianapolis. It washes away the clutter in my mind and helps me put things into perspective. Think on how life would be if I were a bird. I fee like I'm getting close to achieving my goals –sometimes it's nice to forget them all and just be.
Had a meeting today, some brokers introducing a product that should be a "great fit for clients." I began raising questions, concerns – had four people talking over me, it was kind of funny actually. All these brokers thinking this product is the panacea – especially since they make boucoup bucks off of it. All of them yes men/women. Once I challenged, I got jumped on by the entire bandwagon, but I held my ground and was sure to finish making my point. I hope they listen to their clients better than their peers. Shmoozing schmucks. Wonder why brokers get stigmatized – ha!
Yes, I failed – thankfully the other person from my office who took the test failed as well – we can commiserate and drink our sorrows away together. Ha, he said – "Oh, it's good we both failed, so neither of us is gloating all over the place – ha." I pretty much knew it, but got to act sort of surprised b/c I don't need my co-workers knowing the extent to which I blew off studying. Well, second time will be a charm – I'm going to make a study schedule. I know I can pass it, if I can magically get some self-discipline.
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