BY MarkB

07/01 Direct Link
Regular people don’t really hate Mondays.

Subconsciously on Mondays people try a little harder and people smile more. When I noticed this, years ago, I thought that it was because regular people hated to be back in their regular little jobs, but with age I realize I was wrong. People are nicer on Mondays because they are hoping that this will be “The Week”. The one that changes their lives, the week where they meet the girl, get the raise, get the promotion, Monday is full of hope for change. A change which rarely comes. Tuesday is the real killer.

07/02 Direct Link
On the bus today there was a woman, she looked old. She had untidy black hair with grey roots showing through. From a cheap disposable white plastic bag she took a cheap disposable black biro and very carefully pulled off the lid. She then took out a TV Guide, opened it on a listings page, and placed it on her knees. She then studied the Guide placing tidy crosses beside some shows, and drawing circles around some others. When I stood to leave I noticed that the magazine was listing shows from two weeks ago. Wasn’t that strange, I thought.
07/03 Direct Link
Every day during my first break at my cheap nasty monotonous job, I have my first cup of cheap nasty instant black coffee in a cheap nasty white styrofoam cup. I also eat a muffin. It is always purchased from the same sandwich shop, from the same girl who always has the same polite smile. Sometimes the muffin is blueberry, but more often than not it is double chocolate. I always spend the first two hours at work looking forward to my muffin break. It is quite often the highlight of my day. This morning the muffin shop was closed.
07/04 Direct Link
There is a girl at work who is sometimes there when I’m there. Occasionally we catch each others eye when we look around the callcentre. Today she was wearing a white blouse with the top two buttons undone, blue flared jeans and trainers, the trainers were the white ones with blue stripes along the sides. She had cut her long dark hair since I last saw her. She was sitting a couple of pods behind me. I heard laughter I knew it was her. She has been there longer than me. She is perfect. I wonder what her name is?
07/05 Direct Link
Yesterday I thanked the bus driver as I got off the bus, and I said thank you to the girl in the store who sold me a pack of cigarettes. I said good morning and good evening to 4 members of my team in work. I asked my team leader to talk to an irate caller. According to my call stats I spoke to 837 people, on average each call lasted 31.5 seconds, 48% asked to be connected to the number they were looking for. I make that 844 people spoken to yesterday in total. But I talked to no-one.
07/06 Direct Link
No work today, so I have nothing to do. I look around the little rented room I live in, at the brown ugly walls, at the bed in the corner, the desk with the laptop on it (my friend), the small TV that I rarely use (it rots the mind), the door leading to the toilet (it needs cleaning), the microwave oven, the cobwebs in the corners, the smoke stained ceiling, the dust encrusted yellow carpets, the pile of unwashed clothes, the half-eaten instant meals, the empty beer cans, the window that looks at nothing, and I hate it all.
07/07 Direct Link
Sunday. It rained all day, but I still made the effort to shower, shave, put on some cleaner clothes and went out. I did some laundry. This evening I went out again, I walked around the city for hours. Despite the rain there were tourists out taking pictures and getting lost. I wonder how many pictures I am in? Once the rain stopped, there were plenty of beautiful couples walking along the main streets holding hands, smiling, talking, kissing. There was music and happy noise coming from the bars, everyone sounded happy. I wish I could be part of it.
07/08 Direct Link
Worked today, she was there again. I wish I could talk to her. Nobody lasts very long in that place. She will be gone soon too. I don’t want to miss my chance. I will not miss my chance. It seems like it has been a very long time since I had a conversation with anyone real, I might have forgotten how to talk, although I was never much good at it. I was always saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. So I stopped saying anything much to anyone, it was easier. I just faded into the background.
07/09 Direct Link
It rained all day. It seems like it is always raining, every day. This is supposed to be the summer, this is supposed to be the happy time. I thought summer was meant to be happy and winter was meant to be sad, I must have got it wrong again. Work again today, but she wasn’t there. I hate my life, I know she can change it, I know she can make it better, I know she can make me better, I know she will stop me feeling so bad, I know she can, I know she will. She must.
07/10 Direct Link
No work today, that is good because my job depresses me. I slept for almost all of the day. When I did get up to get some cereal the milk was sour. I just ate the dry cereal, as I didn’t want to go out and I suppose I must eat something. Tonight I took off the t-shirt and boxers I had slept in and stood naked in front of the mirror. I thought about her, I turned myself on. I need to lose some weight, maybe if I stop drinking beer it will help. I also need a haircut.
07/11 Direct Link
On the bus today I sat opposite a girl. She looked like she had been crying. She was shivering even though the sun was shining. She was wearing a duffle coat that was too big for her skinny body. Her hair was long, her dark roots had chased the blondness halfway down her hair. Her eyes had big black bags under them, making her head look like a skull. Her lips were thin and her skin was pale. She was wearing no make-up. She didn’t stop shivering. I watched her until I got off the bus. She looked like death.
07/12 Direct Link
I hate my job, and most of all I hate it when I work the weekend late shift. Seemingly endless hours spent finding the telephone numbers of bars, taxis, take-aways, pizza companies, restaurants, clubs and other places which I never go to, for people that mostly sound drunk. These people don’t know how pathetic they are! They are so stupid believing they are happy, someone should end their sad little lives for them. Do them a favor, maybe that is something that I could do. It would give me meaning. She wasn’t there today either, I hope she is alright.
07/13 Direct Link
She wasn’t in today either. If she had left the company she would of said something to me first. Maybe she has taken some holiday time, gone somewhere warmer, somewhere nicer, somewhere where it doesn’t rain all day. Maybe she has changed shifts again. I hope she isn’t ill, I hope something hasn’t happened to her. Maybe, maybe, maybe, I hate maybe, I need to KNOW!! Damn I need to calm down, I need to think, I’ll volunteer for extra shifts, if she is still there I’ll find her. She cannot leave me, not yet. I will not let her.
07/14 Direct Link
Still no sign of her, I wish there was someone in work I could talk to, someone I could ask about her. But I can’t. They would ask too many questions, they wouldn’t understand, I couldn’t explain, anyway I wouldn’t want them knowing anything about me or my life. All I can do is wait, and hope. I decided today to get ready for her return, I wanted to fix my hair, so after work I bought some razors and a scissors and shaved my head. It feels very strange, but I think I look much sexier. She will too.
07/15 Direct Link
Something strange happened today, the government sent me a package. It had my name and address on it. How did they know? I don’t remember telling. It was from the Department of Health. The envelope said it contained “A Medicinal Product”. I stared at the package for a time, not knowing what to do. Eventually I opened it. It was a box of tablets called Potassium Iodate, the box said “For emergency use only in the event of a nuclear accident”. I opened the box and took one, just in case. Did an extra shift today she still wasn’t there.
07/16 Direct Link
Work again today, another extra shift, she still wasn’t there. Unfortunatly nobody sits in the same place every day and there are constantly people coming and going. It is also a large room so I have to always be constantly alert, always watching for her. I have noticed some unusual people though. There is this one girl, who is really very pretty, she seems to be a part-timer, so she works shorter days and she comes in at different times. She always sits alone, if someone sits beside her she moves to another place on her own. I wonder why?
07/17 Direct Link
I slept all day, going outside in the rain can wait until tomorrow. I shaved my head again I look not like me now, I look different, I look how I feel, I look alien, I feel alien. I am alien. The world must end, I just remembered that from school, not for ages, but it will. I wish it would happen sooner, there is no reason anymore. There is no point continuing like this, all I am doing is existing. I want someone to show me how to live, I want her to help me live. I want her.
07/18 Direct Link
Why am I writing this? Why did I think this was a good idea? When I started I thought it would be pretty neat to have someone to talk to for once, now I’ve remebered I don’t talk to anyone because I’ve got nothing to say. Who cares about me? I live in this room, this room I sleep in, this room I eat in, this room I think in, this room I get drunk in. I am pathetic. I haven’t got anything because I do not deserve anything, anyone. Why am I writing this? Why are you reading it?
07/19 Direct Link
At least when I work late shift the company gets us a taxi home, unfortunately they are too cheap to get us a taxi each so I have to sit there as those baboons I work with are driven home before me. I don’t want them knowing where I live. They talk about such unimportant crap, pop music, television, some earlier drunken caller, some girl they screwed after getting her very drunk first. They are so inane, so stupid. They have never had an original thought in their lives, they wouldn’t know what to with it. I hate these people.
07/20 Direct Link
She was there today! I swear to god she was there. Its fabtastic I don’t know what to do, she is back, she is defiantly back/ I am so happy, I can barely type, hell i‘ve had a few beers to celebrate, I can barely count. I I couldn’t believe it. I walked into work and there she was, just sitting there taking calls. She looked great, she had a tight pink sweater on and a little skirt, she was nicely tanned she must have been on holiday or something, I don’t know. shes back now though that’s whats important.
07/21 Direct Link
I think I had work today I can’t remember, I woke up this afternoon, I don’t remember writing yesterdays words. My head hurts but it’s a good hurt, it’s a happy hurt. so very happy. Its raining again but I don’t care, its also very hot in here, I don’t know if its me that’s feeling heat that’s not there or if it is really this warm, I had better call work find out where I am supposed to be at. I’ll do it later. I must try to go out as well, maybe buy a sandwich or something.
07/22 Direct Link
No work today, so I went out I walked around town again. I walked through the rain I ended up at the movies. I hadn't been to a film for years. Whatever it was called was rubbish, some science fiction crime thing. I left before the end. I remembered when I was very young my Dad bringing me to the movies. It was a cartoon film. I thought it was the best thing ever, just me and my Dad getting the train into town, going to a film. On that day he was the best Dad ever. Times change though. 
07/23 Direct Link
My birthday today. I am 29, I think. I can’t remember. I celebrated by getting a large bottle of 12 year old Irish Whiskey whilst walking home. I’ll drink it later. A usual birthday for me, no presents, no calls, no cards, nothing, nobody. Why did I get here, how, when, why. I wish I knew when it all went to hell, but it wasn’t a single moment. No killer blows, more of a death by a thousand cuts. But I am still here, still breathing, still surviving, unfortunately there is no fight left anymore. I need that drink now
07/24 Direct Link
Went out this afternoon after I woke. Had to walk through the thunder and lightning. I like the electricity in the air, it feels like something might happen. Something bad. I sheltered in a book shop. I saw a 10 year old girl walking around the shop talking to someone on a cell phone. I couldn’t believe, why would a child have one of those? Who was she talking to, maybe a boyfriend? I followed her around the shop, then I followed her down the street into a department store. I lost her in the crowd in there, a pity.
07/25 Direct Link
An ok day. Slept, woke up, had some cereal, went out bought some bread, milk, beer, cereal, butter and a porn mag. I wonder if she likes porn? Anyway, went home put the stuff I bought away, threw out some of the beercans and take out cartons that were piling up on the floor, slept a bit more. Got up again, got undressed showered, opened a fresh beer, checked out the magazine, masturbated, opened another beer, ordered pizza, got dressed, went online for a while, checked out some very strange sites, pizza arrived, ate it with another beer, wrote this.
07/26 Direct Link
Today was a great day, I can barely get the words down, my hands are shaking. I’ll start at the beginning, She was in work today, She was sitting a few places in front of me, I got to watch her all day!, but it was eeven better than that!! She finished at midnight the same time as me, and she was in the same taxi home as me, and they drove her home before me. I know where she lives! And you know what? she lives just 20 minutes walk away. Now I can see her anytime I want!
07/27 Direct Link
I didn’t go into work today, there is no point anymore. I have never had much reason to spend the money I earned so I have enough saved, I can live for a while. I hated that stinking bloody place. Now that I know where she is I don’t have to sit in that fucking place waiting to see her, I didn’t go near her apartment today. She lives on a nice street, above a store, there are some coffee shops on it, it’s a busy area. I wonder if she lives on her own? I’ll have to find out.
07/28 Direct Link
I set the alarm for 6:30am I wanted to be up early just in case I missed something, I went down to her place and stood outside until a nearby coffee shop opened, I went in ordered a coffee and sat by a window with a view. She came hours later, I followed her she went to a bus stop and then got on a bus. I didn’t get on the bus as she might have seen me. I went back, I didn’t see anyone else. I stayed till after midnight she didn’t come back. Where did the bus go?
07/29 Direct Link
I don’t know what to do anymore I can’t keep going down there wanting something to happen. I am going to have to make something happen. I will have to talk to her. I can’t do it at work, too many people. If I pretend to meet her by chance on the street she might just say hello and walk away and there would be too many people watching. I know she is the one, I can make it happen. I will go to her place, she will have to talk to me, invite me in. It will be fantastic!!
07/30 Direct Link
BITCH, BITCH, BITCH BITCH How could she? I went down knocked on the door and she answered, she didn’t recognise me. I said I knew her from work, and that I would like to talk to her and could I come in and how I loved and I brought her beer and could we talk and everything, and I tried to tell her,. But she wanted me to leave she said she was busy she said there was someone else, and she was going out and I must go. And she shut the door. I was wrong about her.
07/31 Direct Link
I know what I must do. A while back I remember writing about why I was writing this. I didn’t know then but I know now. Writing to you has helped me get my thoughts straight. For the first time I know what I must do, my head is so clear, and it is because of you. She does still want me, and I will make sure I have her, despite what she says. I will go to her and I won’t take no for an answer. Once I have been with her she won’t want anyone else. Thank you.