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Exciting. The last month before the first month to the rest of my life. Once I embark on this journey, it will be a non-stop ride, o'er the mountains and through the foothills. Rain or shine, tears of frustration or tears of joy, the train will keep going. The scenery will turn into a blur, time will pass, and memories will fade.
There's something melancholic about nostalgia. I like to drown myself in the heady stuff, sometimes.
Why is it so hard to write tonight? Too much to say. I feel too much.
I feel tired. Soon I won't be around to get annoyed at my parents' banal banter over Forex. My mom is better than my dad. At least she has friends at work and personal interests. My dad's life has become consumed with Forex. He dreams of making the big bucks. It's really rather sad to see.
What is he going to do once he actually retires? He doesn't have real friends. He doesn't actually spend time listening to classical music, despite claiming to love it. What an empty life. Thinking about it makes me sick.
Salon says: "'The Visitor' is about the miraculousness of finding a sense of place, even when a person feels doomed to dislocation."
Richard Jenkin's portrayal of Walter was subtle, affecting, and spot on. Parts of the story did not ring totally true, but the heart of the story- Walter's transformation- was as true as can be.
I could relate to Walter's perpetual sense of discomfort and "dislocation". And when he found a way to reconnect to life through his new friends and through music, I felt his joy. The last scene was perfect and needed no words.
Okay! That changes everything. I was crabby, restless, hurt, depressed, and overall... wilted. Then surprise, surprise... my long ago sent Facebook message actually reaches its intended recipient!
I had given up on him. I thought either he never checks his Facebook (looked like he signed up and just left it alone soon after), or he got my message but did not want to reconnect for whatever reason.
I've actually thought about him off and on for the last few years. I wondered what would have happened had I made a different choice? Could there have been something between us?
Ack! Tick tock, I'm counting down the days. Didn't take that vacation. Still daydreaming about the luscious sights and sounds of Japan, the train ride I never took across Central Asia, the Paris streets I've never walked down.
I guess I'm a romantic person. I'm just glad that Yemen was not a dream. I see Maydan Tahrir in my mind. I picture myself walking down the narrow winding streets of the Old City on a hot morning, walking alone by the Saila at night, after a rain shower.
It was real! I'm lucky. I will always have that with me.
I almost forgot to write today. I would remember, then forget again. This will have to be quick. Today was uneventful. Monday is my Bachelorette night, so I was quite looking forward to that. I don't really want to write about that, however.
It's hot. I want to turn on the air conditioning. Such is my life, at the moment. I will be moving soon. I'm looking forward to having my own space. Clean, stylish, open. Feeling a firmer grasp of having my own life, which goes with having my own space. Private. Mine. That is where I'm at now.
My kitty lies next to me, the right side of her face squished up against my rib. Her chest rises and falls rhythmically, slowly. She is at peace. Next to her, I lie awake, my mind abuzz, slightly uneasy.
My cousin's relationship isn't going well. She might not be getting married. I want things to work out for her. But a small part of me almost felt a sense of relief. It was a reflexive moment of schadenfreude. People around me are starting to get married. I don't want to be the last one left, standing by myself.
Atheist meeting jazzed my energy level up, even if it didn't go quite as well as it could have. There were a few fruity, pretentious people. But some decent ones too. On the whole, there was too much of an "anti-religion" vibe... I actually don't spend much time thinking of religion or the fact that I have none.
I don't feel a need to justify myself in this society, and I guess those people who grew up with religion do. Religion was a given for them. They had to become god-free. I never had God to begin with.
That was a good post. Sometimes after a particularly well-written post is submitted, I'm like wow. Social conservatives definitely get under my skin. I'm always goaded into these arguments online. Strangely, and luckily, I have not encountered too many such individuals in person.
My old roommate actually came to mind right as I typed that last sentence. But his sexism was the ignorant, benign kind. I don't even take him so seriously. That guy stored his salt shaker and empty tupperware in the freezer, for god sakes. I simply can't feel too bothered by his viewpoints on anything.
Well, I do feel a wee better, after some benign conversation. Sometimes focusing on the good or even some simple distraction elevates my mood in a way that rehashing my travails at length does not. I wonder if I've always known this, or whether this is a new development in my life... Perhaps it's simply that I've never given it a good try in the past. Always too tempted to dwell in the depths of my angst and insecurities.
Well, it worked this time. We both made an effort to stay light, polite, and positive. A tad artificial, but pleasant.
I watched "Mississippi Mermaid" today. It was so French. And with Deneuve in it, how could I not enjoy it? She has this remarkably enigmatic countenance; a type of blonde beauty that seems lifted out of some past era. The beginning section in Reunion was wonderfully exotic and picturesque. Then the story turns and shifts gears unexpectedly, until it becomes clear these are not ordinary characters in an ordinary story.
I think I may like Truffaut more than Hitchock. There's something surprising and mysterious about Truffaut's work as well, but in a different way than the plot twists of Hitchcok.
I've bought a lot of books that I need to read. Yet I still want to buy more. I am really hankering to buy a bonsai book. And that wonderful book on interior design is still sitting in my shopping cart. I'm just looking for an excuse to check out, perhaps.
It was a fun day at Ikea today. The food was pretty tasty and I did more walking than I have been doing as of late. Tomorrow is Bachelorette day. I am looking forward to that very much, actually. Such is my quiet, plebeian life at the moment.
Hmm. Wow. I'm preoccupied by Reid's departure on The Bachelorette. He has been the most endearing (I almost said "character") person I've seen on these shows in a very long time. He's vaguely like Niles Crane and, of couse, the resemblance to Chandler on Friends is uncanny. He's exactly the overanalytical type of guy I so rarely meet IRL, but totally go for.
I was reminded of my time with Verdant. Verdant was also endearingly awkward at times. I think I've really turned a corner in that I no longer think back to Bobo. My reference point has shifted forward.
Got the keys to my new apartment today. An unexpected accomplishment. Even started moving some items over. What else? Pot of white bean chicken chili on the stove. Watched some TNG. Thought about Reid and hung around the forums reading thoughts from like-minded folks. It has been a good day.
Not as hot as it was yesterday. Mostly cloudy, with a few breaks for a bit of sun. Humid, somewhat windy. I really enjoyed the weather. I was thinking it wouldn't be bad to have this type of weather every day. I could handle it. It would be appetizing.
Facebook gets me down way more than it should. So a childhood friend didn't respond to my request... Why should that bother me so? Truthfully, I would probably not have added her if she hadn't been suggested to me by another "friend". But for some reason, since it was suggested to me, I went with it.
Little things like this should not upset me so... I guess it will be a good thing when school starts, and my mind is preoccupied with the "important stuffs" of life, rather than the junk it currently loves to process. I can only hope.
Le Mystere de Voix Bulgare (Bulgarian State Television Female Vocal Choir). They supply the chorus in the main theme of Xena: Warrior Princess. Oh my lord, their sound is an elixir.
Their open voices remind me of why I love the Tibetan sound of Dadawa. It simply strikes some deep chord within me. It is stark and beautiful and affecting.
Terrific discovery of the day, of the week, of the month! I love the excitement that comes with unearthing new favorites. That seems an understatement.
is joy. Awakenings. I have nothing more to say.
A home doesn't feel like a home until it's hooked up to the net. I've got furniture ordered. Came up to a hefty sum, actually. I'm lucky. I'm so lucky.
All the stars are aligning in my little world. Part of me is wary. So much effort, energy, and money is being put into this endeavor to develop myself into a doctor. What if something were to happen out of the blue to prematurely end my dream? It's just a scary thought to entertain. I have got to keep myself safe and healthy.
Appreciate each day. Be grateful to family.
I'm very tempted to skip the sushi outing tomorrow. There's so much left to do to make my new apartment into a home. It always takes a while to get settled in, I know. But I'm impatient. I want all the uncertainty cut out. I want the big decisions on furniture buying and moving done and over with. And I want some lovely free time all to myself in my new home. I want some time to explore the neighborhood and figure out where to get groceries. I want to spend a day at the zoo just walking around outside.
I went to eat sushi as planned, and it was great. Better than I expected, really. Only one other person showed up, out of the five who RSVPed. But we had easy, breezy conversation. She was older than me, yet I felt pretty comfortable chatting with her. I felt like we had similar penchants. We both are into trying new foods, cooking (though I pretended not to be a good cook, for some reason), reading, and fun sporty activities like climbing.
I've come a long way. I surprised myself today. It gave me a shot of confidence in the arm.
Wow, school approaches. I'm staring down the gully. I acquired some nice furniture today, so that was an accomplishment. But I don't really want to talk about that.
I want to talk about Jiang Yingrong and how cool she is. Her dancing reminds me of Britney. But the way she is built reminds me more of Jessica Simpson. As well as her hair and wide mouth. She is much more beautiful, however. And her voice reminds me of Aaliyah or Madonna. Her charisma and overall sex appeal reminds me of Madonna. China could use a pop queen of its own.
I'm trying to overcome a massive amount of lethargy. I'm not even sure where it comes from. Is it the summer heat? Is it my sleep schedule, which always changes over toward sleeping during the day when given a chance? Is it
of what is to come? Is it laziness, pure and simple?
I can't seem to get anything done. I'm wasting my last few moments of freedom. I can't get my act together to move to my new abode. It's the lack of pressure, I know it is. I don't feel compelled by any sense of urgency.
My writing has been like tepid water lately. Even my diary-esque entries lack freshness and life. I wrote up something about setting up internet today and being ready to move by this weekend, but deleted it all, because it was just pointless.
I think it's because what I'm doing now (what I have to do) is inherently boring, but essential. I don't
anything, having accomplished these tasks, aside from relief, as well as the satisfaction that goes along with completing a chore.
These past days have dragged like molasses. After quitting my job, I've just been waiting, waiting.
Spent the late evening/early morning chatting online with Jack. It's been a while since I've done that with him. It's been an even longer while since we've really had a comfortable, enjoyable conversation- the kind we had tonight.
The tenor of our conversation changed once he sent me that old pic of us together along with his girlfriend at the time. That photo made me feel warm. I looked into those young, happy, naive faces and my heart softened. What have we become? So distant and adult and mature? There is still a friendship here to be salvaged, valued.
Damn, that should have been "there
a bunch of comedic moments", rather than "there are a bunch of comedic moments"...
My language skills are leaving me. I think it's because I used to read more. My spelling was better in the past too. Use it or lose it, I guess? I do still write a lot... But it is infused with abbreviations and internet speak... seeing as I write mostly on the internet.
I really should read more. At least these days I'm reacquainting myself with Star Trek. My time has not been a complete waste. Mmm... Star Trek.
Day by day by day... It's getting harder to knock these entries out. I'm running out of material.
On a positive note, I was blissfully busy today. A bit of family drama during the daytime. But a great way to cap off the night with a last minute trip to Rainbow. I got disproportionately excited about grocery shopping. It's just one of those chores that makes the idea of being on my own that much more real to me.
I've lived for years on my own. Bussing it everywhere in Chi-town. Why do I feel a bit nervous now?
Hearing that catchy jingle gave me a sudden nostalgic pang for life in China. Strange. Just a commercial for a random brand of bottled water. Perhaps its very banal nature appealed to some deeply rooted domestic aspect of me. I've been thinking about my new apartment, my new home, after all.
My day to day existence would be so different in China. Watching Supergirl, the essence of mainstream pop culture in China, I have become a true "粉丝" of Jiang Yingrong. I never could get into American Idol (aside from Fantasia). Is it because I could never relate to mainstream America?
Really hung up on this Bachelorette ending. Knew it was coming from FORT. Everything played out like the leaks said they would play out. Yet I keep hearing heartbreak Bachelorette theme music in my head. Wow, I did get a little caught up this season!
It was Reid. I found him so appealing. And I found his connection with Jillian so adorable and relatable.
Who knows with love? I want to see a love story that makes sense, and then ABC feeds us this crap. I want my own Reid. I want my own Honey Bear. If he's out there.
Well, the month is drawing to a close. My cat is comfortably ensconced in the crook of my right arm, paws resting on my shoulder. Bachelorette is over, ending on a bitter note. That show was my latest obsession. For a while it was Runescape. I was just thinking it interesting that for the past few months, I seemed to binge on certain pastimes for a while, before dropping them completely.
I was so into Runescape, building my character's skills, traveling. Then I just stopped playing. School's about to start. This lackadaiscal period of my life is about to end.
First night at my new place. My cat is here too. I had to bring her over. I thought I would/could set everything up first and have everything be perfect before bringing her over. But it didn't work out that way. School is looming near and I had to move over. I have to start getting my act together.
I don't know what it is about being in MN that leaves me feeling so unmotivated, passive, and lackadaisical. Actually, I do. The proximity of family and a house that is the equivalent of a cave to hole up in.
Successfully trimmed my cat's nails today (mostly). It was just like when I first learned to put in and take out contacts. I have such a skittish nervous system. I could not stop blinking and I just could not do it.
I wasn't fearful about applying for school or traveling alone. But sometimes these average little tasks in life become my greatest challenges. I have a physical reaction that I cannot control to things. I guess my shyness is kind of like that too. The most trivial of social behaviors triggers a huge physical involuntary response and becomes exceedingly difficult.
Ended this month by falling asleep on the couch at my parent's place and missing my last entry! I went from complete inactivity in the beginning of the month to full throttle by the end. Was on my feet for most of the day at MOA. Money is falling out of my pockets like water. I have never spent so freely in my life. It was scary.
I keep thinking how much effort goes into starting a new life in a new home. Everything from the big stuffs like furniture to the basics such as toothpicks have to be purchased.
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