My mind is on power save mode and Iím slightly dreading going in to work tomorrow. What is the point?
Snow falls silently, steadily.
My daydreams are always of the past. Rarely of the future. Rarely of an imagined reality that never existed. Instead, Iím always wandering around in the nostalgic fields and gardens of years past. Usually alone, as though time had frozen and I was the only alert, awakened one, observing and contemplating in silence.
Thatís the idealist in me, still very much alive and asserting itself. It may also have to do with the stubborn streak in me. Or perhaps the explanation is inexperienceÖ or sheer stupidity.
But talking time is over. Itís time to prove myself.
Impetuous me, reading those words, feels. Ineffably effervescent. A flower bud waiting to bloom. Spring, right around the corner. A peacock displaying the full glory of its plumage for all to see.
Crazy, crazy love. The gloriously myopic hazy vision of youth. Allow me the breadth of a single day to be irresponsible, immature, insane. Giddy laughter, an impossibly clear blue sky, sunshine pouring across our bodies as we lie, intertwined.
And the sand slips through the hourglass, and your face fades, and my vision clears.
Iím sipping chamomile tea right now and feeling at ease. Aesthetics does impact moodÖ in the Sims and IRL.
Spring is nearing and Iím a tiny bit sad Iím not going to be in Chicago this time around. I took a ďWhatís Your CityĒ quiz for fun, and lo and behold, my city turned out to be Chicago! Itís a bustling city, but alsoÖ humane and charming. I love the different ethnic neighborhoods.
Itís just that I would really like to acquire expertise in a closed system of knowledge. Itís something I could devote myself to and become good at and enjoy.
But those are all reasons that sound good on paper and in my head. I just donít know whether my heart will follow this logic. What does the heart want? Iím still experimenting.
But the pain of the aftermath has faded. Keeping busy really does help. I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind. Iím still struggling valiantly to get into some kind of rhythm, some kind of groove.
Itís just that... although I maintain a tough external faÁade, inside Iím a kitten tangled in a ball of yarn.
My mom kept saying that ď2007 is a dark yearĒ... her company announced a mandatory company-wide meeting for tomorrow, and rumor has it that layoffs are in order. My response to that was that rumors are rumors, and who knows what the purpose of the meeting will be? Premature speculation.
Misery loves company, I guess. Right now, I would much prefer a familiar presence to join me in commiseration. Iím not fully up to the task of being sunshiney and impressive to a strange new presence. He seems like a nice enough guy, sure... but Iím nowhere as attracted to him as I am towards Cage. Cage is hot stuff.
And sheís always questioning me on menial issues to demonstrate her superiority. Who the hell does she think she is? Sheís just some middle-aged smoker with a stick up her ass.
The food lust continued with a trip to Whole Foods, as I gratified myself with some favorite items. Dinner consisted of seared wild-caught tuna over mixed greens tossed in a sesame shitake dressing, mashed potatoes made with half and half, gravy with fresh parsley, grilled cheese made with whole wheat French bread, and tomato soup. Mmm.
If only it were that simple. There are a few things that are helping to keep me sane: tennis, wi-fi, and Arabic. The first and last items at least get me out of the house. And work-wise, Iím feeling tentatively hopeful. Fingers crossed.
With Arabic, the pay-off (reward) is built in. As long as I keep up with class, Iíll be making progress, and by the end of the semester, I will have achieved something quite remarkable. I would never have gotten that far by myself. Reproduce this achievement.
But I donít want to develop the bad habit of shortening my strokes for the sake of competition, and only hitting with the proper technique during practice.
It was also a very self-affirming process. I liked being back in a classroom setting. I really appreciated being able to interact closely with fellow classmates. A bit of camaraderie started to build. The last time something like that happened was back during Princeton Review training. I feel energized, positive.
My future depends on it. So I have to give it my best shot. I have to keep going.
It probably doesnít help that Iíve managed to find a forum of folks who are definitely a subset of the test takersóa select group of bright individuals obsessed with making it. Hell, half of all test takers donít even break 24! Itís a sobering thought.
Itís a movie ďdedicated to the one who got awayĒ. At its heart, itís a very simple film. About liking someone who isnít worth the effort, and overlooking someone great who has been by your side all along. Li Bingbing really surprised me in her role as the ďpopular girlĒ who laughs coyly and looks at you with that look.
Long story short. Being a canvasser for a ďcauseĒ is one half sales and one half cult. There were a lot of unexpected similarities between canvassing and selling vacuums. My experiences with both have definitely been interesting. Iíve met some memorable people that I will remember for quite a while yet. Life experience, man. Yeah.
Of course, weíll have to see how actual work goes and I have yet to test out the waters.
AndÖ I need to move out. AndÖ I donít have enough money. AndÖ Iím not ready. Sigh. Sometimes, things feel and seem so hopeless.
Itís ironic. Iím always in the mood to talk to Verdant. Not that I always know what to say to him. But Iím happy to see him online and Iím happy just to be ďwithĒ him or near him in that sense. Itís pathetically loyal or canine-like of me. Iím usually much more of a standoffish cat-personÖ
Still, I found it really sweet of her to write and I think back to the time we spent together in class with fondness. We were all very different. Yet we shared things about ourselves with each other in a very sincere manner.
I would rather not have that kind of emotional connection than take this crap that goes along with it. Gosh, my current living situation is depressing. ButÖ all this crap builds character, right? I surely hope so.
I get caught up in the little details and canít follow along or continue on. Sucks. Iím so glad there are online forumsÖ hopefully someone will have some insight. I do actually enjoy torturing myself with this neverending study. Neverending nights.
I hope I can keep this up and stay motivated, focused.
Another thing I learned from selling vacuums is the importance of willpower. As Vince Lombardi said: ďThe difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but a lack of will.Ē
Bathing in the afterglow of that small moment of affirmation really makes me realize how much I thirst for that feeling of doing well and exhibiting mastery. Until tasting it, I didnít even realize how much I had been missing out.
It was all go, go, go. I enjoyed that feeling for much of the day. It felt productive.
Time for some reading and then itís lights out.
I am, however, disturbed by something else. Something that was brought out and illuminated in sharp relief tonight. My attitude. My attitude toward others is a bit lacking. I donít appreciate people enoughówhat they do for me, how they care for me. Iím too self-absorbed to notice.
I miss him, but I donít know that he still misses me. History.
ÖIt was a good day. I enjoy the physical labor of my grunt job. I get a bit of exercise, Iím on my feet, and yet itís not over the top busy. I like it. I just have to pace myself. Begin with one good day.
Iíve developed a very ice cold exterior. Very logical, very unperturbed, very self-centered. I have to be this way, in order to handle the crap thrown my way. I would rather be this way than to open myself up to a world of hurt. Not too healthy.
Iím really enjoying studying. Torturing myself with verbal, dredging up my ancient knowledge of chemistry from the cobwebby recesses of my mind. Itís fulfilling and I know Iím working towards something important. Itís for the sake of my own future.