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Of late, I seem to be noticing the existence of more and more couples amidst my proximities. More importantly, it was their rampant and blatant public display of Tender Loving Care that absolutely ticks me off. Not that I'm a sadistic spinster, whom I must add, I do not qualify for either, but it was rather the fact that they seemed to be completely, utterly oblivious to their surroundings. Surely there is something called human decencies that must still exist! I cannot see myself as the girlfriend of another being; neither can I see myself becoming intimate with another guy.
I am at the crossroads again. Someone had seen my capabilities or so they claimed, they said I have potential but then why do I still doubt myself? I want to prove myself wrong, I want to make a difference, I want that power that comes with it, even though I must deal with the responsibility. There are many people in life that has been belittling me and looking down on my abilities, this is my chance to do something to change their perspective. There are also people who think too highly of me, I must not let them down.
I walked towards the food stall to buy my food. Normally, I should be glad that the canteen was finally free of human presence, but that day, it might had been better if there was a massive crowd to provide some camouflage for me. The moment I turned around, I saw him. Instinctively, I glanced downwards to avoid any possible attention nonetheless, it was futile. He stopped as he saw me and waited for me to look up again at him for he was straight in front of me. With that cool look, he subtly raised his hand and waved.
Come in. my two interviewers beckoned me to enter. I knocked on the door gently and entered as I was expected. I knew the guy, he was one of the councilors, but the tutor looked foreign. The latter scrutinized my nomination form while the other stifled a timid guffaw. I winced, annoyed at the lack of professionalism amongst the committee. He asked me to describe myself, causing me to stammer whilst I tried to answer him. I knew I had made a lousy impression but I really can't help but wonder why he was so giggly. Did he know something?
I have a problem. Actually, two contradictory problems. One, I have a commitment issue; I can no longer picture myself to be true to one, instead I sought to be single and opted to be carefree. The second problem, I tend to take too much responsibility especially those over others; others which I should not be minding but had been forced to do so under circumstances. My mind is pounding; I am confused. My world twirls and shifts never endingly; I can no longer differentiate real righteous right, and hypocritical fake false. I have a problem, my problem is you.
Many days had since passed, and yet, my mind is still in turmoil. I cannot figure out the meaning behind this abstract design. Sometimes, I doubt my sanity, such times such as now. Can there be no ending to my confusion? I used to think I'd made a judicious choice; but now, once again, I doubt myself. When can I trust myself and move from the present? When can I truly release myself from my mental prison? It hurts to be suspicious all the time, and it hurts even more to be unable to fathom your very thoughts and considerations.
My inspiration rush like a tsunami yet flows like a river. It comes and goes as it pleases, just like a pompous pet. Am I not your master? What is the key to my soul? Once again, I amaze myself with my false belief. I can't picture the right image for a right scene, I feel as though I had just committed life's Greatest Mistake. My inspiration rages like a fire, yet burns like a flickering flame. It is controlled by neither me nor my thoughts. It is controlled by the one of whom I still desire, despite the circumstances.
I have lied to myself time and time again. This time was no exception. I had deceived myself, in an attempt to seek the easier way out of this crafty labyrinth, one that I have been trapped ever since I decided what I desired. Desired; a past tense. Have I overcome my barrier yet? I think not. Aimless as I may be, targeted as I perceived myself to be. Life has become an endless array of twists and turns, I am lost within my cumbersome thoughts. I cannot leave this prison cell which I had laid upon my wretched mind.
He drifts into my mind constantly, haunting me like a ghost from the past. I want him to leave, yet I wish he would stay. Look here! If only I could concentrate hard and long enough. People around dwell blissfully in their present, but I am the only lonesome one that dwell upon my past. Happiness should be given to all those who appreciate their past, present and future. Given to people, who knows what they want and try their very best to attain it. Unlike those people like me, who shuns away from it, which hides away from reality.
Whenever I despair, he will prove me otherwise. Whenever I embrace, he will show me another perspective. Whenever I doubt, he will give me reason. Whenever I ignore, he will attract my attention. Whenever I look, he looks away. Whenever I turn, he stares right at me. This is who I cannot comprehend, the one who acts against me in every way. I sense some divine form of affinity, somewhere somehow, I have the feeling our encounters will not end just yet. Nay, it won't until either of us has passed the final judgment, the ultimatum. When will that be?
Liars, Liars! They are all liars! I feel so cheated, so utterly betrayed. How can they say things that they do not mean to fulfill? I am blinded by society's embellishment. I am deceived by my vanity. But do I deserve my punishment? Or perhaps it was a release? He thinks he is king, for he claimed his reign; his kingdom to be almighty. I distrust him, especially after that false display of friendliness. I must had been too naÃƒÆ'Ã‚Â¯ve and gullible, to trust so easily his every words. Nothing is what it seems, even though it may seem so.
He was strumming his guitar in the canteen again. Maybe it's the maiden rock show that's coming up, but that means I will be going and that means he will be performing. The trouble now is that we are both being awkward in the same institution. Oh how I wished I had never gotten his phone number, oh how I wished& my objectives have changed and I no longer look forward to going to school as much as I used to. The tension is mounting and I cannot find an outlet to release. I know this is definitely my imagination.
So, do you think I should continue to avoid him? Huh? Avoid for what? Well, I don't want us to meet each other and become all awkward about greeting. Don't care about him; just ignore him. Ignore? Trust me, if he wants to acknowledge you, he will make sure he does and that you reciprocate. What can he do? He will stop walking and makes sure he gets your attention and then wave and greets you, so you can't exactly just walk off, can you? Don't care about him, alright. I understood what she meant, but I wished I could&
I used to go to school with a light-hearted mind and a happy spirit. I used to go to school with a fresh new experience. I used to go to school with an anticipating attitude. I used to go to school just to catch his eye. I used to go to school just to watch him laugh. I used to go to school just to see him smile. I used to go to school with a smile on my face. I used to go to school with hope. But now I don't feel all that I'd felt just awhile ago&
I am silly, I know that truth. That is why I am limiting myself to just a hundred words to voice my thoughts. I am sick of opinions, sick of discontent and sick of having people judging me all the time. What I am doing may even be wrong, but it is the best solution that I can come up with. Believe it or not, watching a dumb friend is easier than being a dumb person. Trust me, I hate to do this too but I can't seem to find another way to express how we are, where we stand.
Love, what is Love? People think that just because I reject that idea now, that I would want to be void of it, but I don't. I want to embrace it just as much as everyone does. But no one seems to understand that, no one seems to try even. All they see is this blind faÃƒÆ'Ã‚Â§ade of the Me I choose to portray. Love can wait surely. Not right now, not when my inner self is still in turmoil, not when I can't even find a present solution to get out of the tight fix I've landed myself into.
Someone once wrote that Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, and I agree with him wholeheartedly. Our lives are made up of fragments of memories, of love; joy; sadness and grief. Sometimes, even a single piece of memory or a person can link up to so many chains of events and would eventually make up a small portion of the jigsaw puzzle. Although both of us have our different opinions about this ideology, I guess the idea is in the end similar. I felt this jigsaw puzzle effect today, and it made me miss someone terribly. I really miss him.
I cried. I thought I could have avoided this, but some things are not meant to be. I was maligned in the worst ways possible. I was insulted and my captain had become the scapegoat. The Vice was asking him about his feelings as the President, was there even the my-friend side of him that I had overlooked? I don't care. All I know is that he had over-reacted and he had been immensely egoistic. I do not care what he thinks, his actions were wrong but still, I had to apologise to him. Hopefully, it was the last time.
Things had been a wild whirlwind these days. I don't even understand what my heart and my mind are saying. There has been this Great Misunderstanding where status quo cannot be attained. I am wretched. I am hurt and lost most of the time, now. Four guys? No, make that three. See, my indecisiveness again. I have a millionth and one reason now to forget but am I? I should, and sometimes, I even allow myself to think that I may but, there will be times when I doubt myself. It is scary. And now, would be such a time.
I was hurried and hushed into sitting at a seat that is not meant for me. As I fidgeted in the seat, a sudden commotion caught my attention. I turned, whilst noticing him for the first time in eight months. Oh my God was all I could muster; I was taken aback by the steer monstrosity of my vivid imagination. Who on Earth? He was not drop dead gorgeous, but lord, was he cute. By that, I meant he is by far the cutest being I have ever came across in that institution and I now marveled at his beauty.
It was still the same day when I first saw, when he first came into my Life. Someday, I hope he will be able to read this. They were having a fund raising food-fair Bazaar, my friends and I was loitering at their stalls for our individual businesses. Mine was to do with the Tanned One who had captured and captivated me for such a short time, which already seemed like forever. I left after realizing that I cannot accomplish much by staring. His movements attracted me, his glances enticed me. I was at his bidding, from that day onwards.
His friends and he came and jumped at me from the back while I was finishing my assignment. I was shocked but very pleasantly surprised. Indeed, this was the contact I was wishing and longing for, but I had not expected its arrival to be so soon. His friend seemed to be curious about something which I could not care. The latter asked him if he had known me; he stuttered. Err, he claimed. Some sort he said. After his friend left, he laid an accusing finger at me and confronted me bestowing me with the name of Seat Snatcher.
Days have since passed and yet I remembered that faithful day of encountance with pure vividity. I wanted a re-run; an encore. Nay, the one who yearns would never be satisfied. I have wrongly expressed myself, too wrong. He knows but I cannot turn back anymore. I do not know who has betrayed me but I cared no more for he is already taken, and I will soon be forsaken. Who could that be? It was in his past but somehow, it had ruined my future. I was shattered, though I did not despair for that is not my nature.
Weeks are now passing and my mind remains preoccupied by him. Why won't he recognize this fact and stop being immature about this? Surely, an adult will deal with this in a subtle and logical manner, no? He is trying to catch me staring at him which he ha succeeded. I cared no more of what he thinks of me for my truth is already revealed and thus, there is nothing more to hide. If he wants to catch me and play this Cat and Mouse Game, I shall oblige. Even if he knows I am watching, he cannot run.
I dreamt of the ancient one last night, I had not expected this for I am sure that this time, my feelings for him have thoroughly vanished. In that parallel universe, we were still the bloody wretched school. I was sitting with him and he was still strumming his guitar whilst we waited peacefully for something ominous to happen. I was looking after something which I cannot remember but I think it was a poodle. We had been carrying on with a light conversation. I had honestly longed for that so much since the phone call, which was gone forever.
There was another guy that has attracted me. But of all the four, he is the worst, for I have never spoken to him unlike the others. Moon claimed that he looked like Malay, much like me really, she said. I loved his hair; the way he would always diligently style it every single day without fail. He was Cheena, of course, whom had I like that wasn't? I really wanted to get him to introduce himself to me personally instead having me sneaking about sussing him out. That was seriously getting pathetic, especially when you have done that repeatedly.
And then, there was yet another. Although we were probably the only ones with the highest possibility, I was already losing interest in him. Simply because of the fact that he utterly lacks of character which ironically, was exactly what I had initially thought he was full of. It happened more than a month ago, during the tournament when they lost and he was gravely enraged. His rage and ferocity had scared me, but it left me seeking more and had kept me intrigued. Of late, however, he has shown me that he is as mindless as a lost sheep.
What makes a blissful person? Would one who is supposedly in love be deemed blessed? I am alone not because I am physically alone; instead it is because everyone around me isn't. The paradox here is to be surrounded by people and yet still feel isolated. Couples constantly replay their stories of Happily Ever After before my eyes. I am disagreeing that couples ought to exile themselves from the remaining Civilisation but perhaps they should exert themselves in small quantities on other beings, which appears to be suffering from some invisible case system. Henceforth, I had become the Love Pariah.
I had been stupid to even attempt to conjure some wishful image of him wanting to have some contact with me. He had approached me simply because he has never spoken to the others before. But I had believed that, and I allowed a precious object to be mutilated in an absurd way. He had deserted something dear to me in his weak cause to seek fulfillment? How could he have been so ungentlemanly and mindless? Some people are just plain thick and dumb. Even though, I realised that he was in limbo which nonetheless, continued to render him unpardonable.
I am glad that I was not selected to enter the council. Things would otherwise have been dreadful and hideous for me. I admit freedom is my life and being carefree is my policy. Hence, this hidden bliss has saved me from my untimely dead. Creativity enslavement would be the term. Imagine not being to do what I am doing now. Regardless, I thank thee, whoever you may be, for your rejection has rescued me from my crazed and blind cause. How could I have been so dumb as to commit myself for someone who isn't worthy of my commitment?
They were fun and spontaneous. It has indeed been a very long time since I have enjoyed such good company, so much so that the latter had been so reminiscent of the past- the past which I had been myself, full and whole. I really missed those days. They had mocked the singers, it was unethical but I did not care. When one of them asked for highlighters to be raised in manner of a rock concert, the entire class had dutifully supported. I admired that enthusiasm and zeal for my own was missing, lost and would never be found.
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