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BY Michael

02/01 Direct Link
I remember I was out in the yard, kneeling on the icy crust of ground. I could hear the ice breaking beneath the weight of my knee. I could feel the shape of the ground, the frozen plants and irregular pieces of mud, could feel it melting into the fabric of the knee of my jeans, the denim turning dark there. I was tracing the pattern in the ice with my finger. There was a pattern here. I had never seen it and I was surprised when it came to me. This could have been the purpose of my life.
02/02 Direct Link
I like to start the day with a mug of coffee. It often becomes two mugs of coffee, and they are big mugs. It may make up for the fact that I skip breakfast, instead nursing on my mug of coffee. I like cream in my coffee, heavy whipping cream. I understand that many people feel that drinking cream in my coffee like this is not healthy for me, but like many others I am no longer sure about what to believe and what to discard in what I read, so I believe what I want and discard the rest.
02/03 Direct Link
Bring the summer here. I want her here. Go and get her now. Lift her roughly by her arms and drag her here, her feet tailing troughs in the snow and flowers falling from her hair. Bring her here with mud on her shirt and a torn sandal strap. Pull her from the warm cave where she has been hiding. Take her away from the hot spring retreat. Leave the fairies behind rending their clothes and tearing their hair out in grief. Their queen. We have taken their queen. I can hear their cries echoing off the stone walls already.
02/04 Direct Link
I think we were inside something. I donít know how we got there; there was mist everywhere. I had a sense of walls curving up across the horizon ahead and behind me, maybe several kilometers. The space seemed to be oblong, the ďfloorĒ covered with a dirt-like substance and plants that were almost familiar. At one spot there were actually little flowers that gave off a strange odor. At one point there was what looked like a cable reaching up from the floor and curving upward, disappearing into the mist. There may have been another one, off in the distance.
02/05 Direct Link
Initially, we decided to walk toward the cable. It was the only thing we could identify that was unique enough to investigate. It took longer to get there than we expected, about two hours. The walking was not so difficult though, except the texture of the soil was almost spongy and seemed to make you tired to walk in. As we got closer to the cable it became apparent that it was much bigger than we had originally thought, perhaps 18 inches in diameter. It was a white metal, and sounded hollow when you rapped on it with your knuckles.
02/06 Direct Link
It was a day for hanging the blue mirror in the bathroom. The mirror wasnít actually blue. It had a large blue frame, decorated with flowers. I was a little concerned about hanging it because it was so heavy, and I wasnít sure Iíd be able to anchor it in studs. I measured it, and decided I could put the brackets to hold it just above the vanity so that the vanity would take up most of the weight. Then all the brackets would really have to do was hold it to the wall. And I would use metal brackets.
02/07 Direct Link
The fish hung in front of me for what seemed to be a long time. Sunlight filtered through the water and turned the scales different colors depending on the angle of the water. It was as if it kept changing colors. It floated there, for a while, its fins moving slowly in the water. Then its right eye moved slightly and suddenly it was gone. It was very quick for such a big fish. There had been smaller fish with it, and they too disappeared when it left. It was then I thought it was big enough to eat me.
02/08 Direct Link
Itís a pain in the back is what it is. But I got my taxes done today. Itís a kind of scary roll-the-dice thing, doing your taxes. You take a stab at this, a stab at that, and twist it a bit until you get a number you can live with. Then you push the ďsubmitĒ button. It usually ends well, but Iím often left with the lingering feeling that had I just put in a little more effort I would have gotten more money back. But they know. Iím convinced they know when I have put enough effort in.
02/09 Direct Link
There was a piece of paper taped to the door with a single piece of tape. The paper was folded in half, a single piece of paper. The door itself was painted gloss brown. It had a bronze knocker on it. There was a single thumb print on the tape, where someone had pressed their thumb against the door. The paper had curled against itself, billowing like a small sail. I never knew what the note said. I left it there on the door, and it fell off after three years. I was impressed with how it hung in there.
02/10 Direct Link
I was watching you type and watching the TV at the same time. The TV was showing a program, a documentary, about heavy weight fighters in the early 20th century. I had no idea what you were typing. The TV program was interesting. I wondered about what you were writing. Would it be interesting? Were you in some sense defending your own championship? Your fingers dance over the keys. They pause. They attack like coordinated birds. Even without reading what you write, I gain some understanding of how your mind works while I watch your fingers move over the keyboard.
02/11 Direct Link
They had surrounded my car. I should not have come out here this time of night. At first the street had seemed deserted, and I was careless when I stopped for the light, pulling up behind another car. I wasnít aware of anything until the second car pulled up close behind me. They closed in from the sides then. I barely had time to lock the doors. They had already smashed the passenger door window and were opening it before I started reacting. I stepped on the gas, ramming the car in front of me and bouncing off of it.
02/12 Direct Link
At first glance I thought it was a hunting party walking across the field. When I looked more closely, something else was going on. Three of the party were carrying long guns or what appeared to be long guns, but the man out front was carrying a nine-foot spear and he was wearing what looked like a loin cloth. Three of them were women, I believe. Two of the women wore very colorful costumes fashioned from beads. The third wore some kind of tall head dress. It was a weed field, the weeds tall and golden. The sun was shining.
02/13 Direct Link
It snowed again today. I think itís been snowing for about two weeks now. The temperature is supposed to drop to zero F tonight. Itís the first time this year it has really gotten cold. Tomorrow weíll go work in the barn. Thereís always one or two really cold days we work the barn. Iíll have my chemical toe warmers this time. Hopefully that will help. The barn can get cold in the winter Iíll wear a second coat tomorrow. The old London Fog Parka I bought twenty years ago in Chicago. Usually the work itself keeps me warm though.
02/14 Direct Link
It was another evening, a quiet evening at home. Just me with the keyboard and the noise-cancelling headphones. There was light over my left shoulder, and yes the place was reasonably clean. It was not the library, but it had some advantages over the library. Not the music, because I can have that at the library. I suppose it is the subtle things that make writing easier here. It is the odors I have long ago gotten used to. The ones I donít smell anymore. It is the patina that covers everything, decades of exhaled mostly dead cells I suppose.
02/15 Direct Link
I put a new filter in the humidifier today. I wasnít sure it needed one. My eyes had been bothering me. I was sneezing a lot. I know. I shouldnít have let it go that long. I especially thought that when I took the old filter out and looked at it. So many colors, and all of them bad ones. I ordered two of them, so I have another to replace this one when it is ready to go. I wonít try to get an entire winter season out of this one. After all the season is half over with.
02/16 Direct Link
Today is my daughterís birthday. Iím not sure which birthday, maybe her 33rd. Is that a bad thing? That I donít know how old my daughter is? If someone were to ask me, Iíd say it depends on the person. That would be my first answer. Then Iíd think about it and Iíd realize that it doesnít really matter what the number is. It changes every year anyway. I know many people would disagree with me, and some would disagree vehemently. Itís in the nature of people to disagree. There are little things that set their brains in different directions.
02/17 Direct Link
Tim was usually clever, but there was nothing clever about this however inevitable it was. He sat on a dock, hands out from his body supporting his torso. The lower half of his body sat on the dock next to him, a glow exuding from the beltline. Tim was thinking, was trying to slow down his thinking. He knew this was the moment, and he knew there were many ways he could spend it. But he also knew he could pick only one. Well, maybe two. Already his essence was beginning to sprout from the light in his lower body.
02/18 Direct Link
Well, we got a partial plate, but they sped away quickly, and honestly my memory is not that good for things like license plate numbers. It was a white car. Iím certain of that, but it had a black top. The top was shiny, so I think it was metal. And it was a four-door. Yes, a black four-door with a hard top. Maybe it was a Ford, or a Lincoln, one of those American cars. It took off down that side street there, yeah the dead-end one. We were busy because the guy they shot wasnít doing very well.
02/19 Direct Link
It was still raining when we got home that night. The lights from the houses were reflected in the water on the street, so it probably wasnít raining that hard. The air was cool and felt wet against the skin. We were still worked up from the shooting, too excited to go to sleep. We werenít talking as we went through the door, but the colors on everything seemed so bright. As I came through the door and kicked off my shoes it suddenly came to me I was hungry, even though it was past midnight. Actually I was starving.
02/20 Direct Link
I remember the sandwich I made that night, two pieces of honey whole wheat bread, Miracle whip, baked ham, Swiss cheese, a slice of salami, lettuce and a slice of tomato. It wanted to fall apart, but I ate it too quickly washing it down with a tall glass of milk. There were crumbs everywhere and a piece of lettuce and spots of tomato juice on the floor. I decided I would clean up the mess in the morning and headed out of the kitchen, flicking off the light on the way. I could feel my feet on the stairs.
02/21 Direct Link
My Honda is a poorly-engineered piece of crap. It has a couple of problems that the dealer is unable to fix after repeated attempts. One is the alarm that goes off DING! Every time I make a right turn in cold weather, or sometimes after I hit a bump. DING! And a light comes on telling me a door is ajar. You would think this one would be an easy and obvious fix. DING! But no, the dealer is unable to fix it. ďWe lubed the door latch and couldnít find anything wrong,Ē they say. DING! But something IS wrong.
02/22 Direct Link
File under Honda quality. My Honda is a poorly-engineered piece of crap. Yeah, I already said that. Itís got a tire pressure warning light that keeps going off. I have to keep filling up the tire because it leaks. The dealer has been unable to fix it after repeated attempts. They tell me it is the tire pressure sensor. They have replaced five of them so far, and my tire still leaks. A tire pressure indicator on a Honda costs more than the damn tire does. It is winter and I am so tired of adding air to my tires.
02/23 Direct Link
Something is happening to me. I donít know what it is. It may be happening while I sleep. I feel something is twisting in me. I remember someone once saying I was ďin the twist.Ē What does that mean? What did it mean then? I Google it and I find that Google is of no help. The older I get the dumber Google gets. I once thought it was full of promise, and that it would get better with time. But it does not. Now it just serves to sell things. It is hard to find real information any more.
02/24 Direct Link
Something happened. Again. I try to not think about it, but it has happened before. I could overlook it I suppose, wait for it to go away. It probably will. But it will come back. It always does, and that is the problem with which I have to contend. In the main, it easier to ignore it, and wait for it to go away, but the fact that it keeps returning is worrisome. I think once I sign a lease to live somewhere else, I probably would not reverse my course. Iíd have to eat somewhere around ten thousand dollars.
02/25 Direct Link
I circle this thought of ten thousand dollars like a sumo wrestler. My first instinct is that if I value the privilege of living here at ten thousand dollars, or rather the event of not living here at ten thousand dollars, then living here is not really worth that much. This particularly true when you realize that the real number is probably less than half that, since it does cost money to live here. Making a move now involves that expense and the inconvenience of moving. What is the positive side to not moving? Are there other costs to leaving?
02/26 Direct Link
Clearly this is a more complicated issue than merely leasing an apartment and moving some furniture. My instinct is to talk to someone else, but I know that is not an answer. I will choose the person to talk to based on a momentary impulse, and I will select a person who will tell me what I want to know. Alternatively, if I select a person at random, I will be at the mercy of their whims. If someone were to approach me with a similar problem and ask my advice, I would tell them to let it blow over.
02/27 Direct Link
So, if I would tell someone with a similar situation to relax and let it blow over, why wonít I take my own advice? There be two reasons. First, I am still in the moment. True, it is not a moment. It is more like an hour, but I am still upset. She is still upset and is likely to be far longer than I will be. Second, I have an uneasy feeling about continuing this relationship. She is a bitÖcrazy. Of course, so am I. I am far crazier than most people. I have learned to live with her crazy.
02/28 Direct Link
The fact is that even If I can reconcile myself to continuing the situation, I am not the only one with a stake in the ground here. The decision my not be entirely mine. It may hinge on a number of things both foreseeable and unforeseeable. As I consider this, I am a bit surprised at how many of these things are foreseeable. It startles me a bit. I donít like it. I am an advocate of free will. I donít like being marched around. Perhaps I insist on my identity a little too strongly. These things can be difficult.
02/29 Direct Link
Something is happening to me. I donít know what it is. It may be happening while I sleep. I feel something is twisting in me. I remember someone once saying I was ďin the twist.Ē What does that mean? What did it mean then? I Google it and I find that Google is of no help. The older I get the dumber Google gets. I once thought it was full of promise, and that it would get better with time. But it does not. Now it just serves to sell things. It is hard to find real information any more.