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I'm learning to go with the flow. I spontaneously went with Drew to PSU last night. I will meet up with some friends later. I knew you were going to Newark but I didn't feel invited. You called, inviting me when it was too late. I'm 4 hours away. Today, we talk. Work. I make breakfast. CafÃƒÆ'Ã‚Â© 210. Hang with Brian and James. Mad Mex. I run into random friends. G-man with everyone. Total craziness. I am buzzed. We laugh and dance and chat. I fall asleep and you call twice. I dream that we're together but we are not.
Awake early. We lost an hour and yet the morning light is bright. Drew finishes his work. We say our goodbyes. Get gas. Grab food. It was disgusting. We drive- the sun and breeze flying through the roof. We don't talk the whole time because we're singing along to the radio or looking at the sights. I've never been out here. Drew said we had to go home early so we could see everything in the light. He was right. I'm trying to live one day at a time. Go with the flow. Take life as it comes. Enjoy time.
I lie in bed. I stay. Thinking about the events from the previous month. Things happen. Life changes. Grey's was good last night. "Life is not a spectator sportÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€win, lose, or drawÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€the game is in progress, and there's nothing we can do about it." It is so true. My anticipation for this last term is growing stronger. I make some phone calls. My stomach hurts again. Clean the kitchen. We talked today. I talked to my family. They know about us. They still love you and so do I. I'm trying hard. I think things are looking up.
Class today. So many familiar faces. It is so sunny but the wind is cold and it blows through my bones. Grab lunch in between classes. I had to move my car anyway. 2 hour parking. Boston Market. It was good but I ate too fast. Thesis. It has begun. Another class. Classes today are running short. I don't feel well. I go directly home. Sit here for a while and fall asleep sitting up. I'm so exhausted. I wake up as you write to me. We talked for a long time. We joke, like we used to. I smile.
Quick trip: Jersey. It's grey out. I pick up Lou. The weather is always different here, he only lives 2 miles away. There isn't much traffic. Sudden snow storm. It only lasts a few minutes. We're going on a portfolio run. I bottom out in his drive-way. Lunch at Charlie Brown's. Back. Find Parking. 4 minutes late for Professional Practice. Not like it matters. It's only Jack. Graphic Noise. Music posters: fabulous. Spellbound. Wine. Movies, pie, milk. Drexel tour at night, some kid passing by on a cell phone mentions sluts. We laugh. The parents don't. Get home late, exhausted.
Pick up Lisa. Early class. I hate finding parking. Write a proposal-what you want to do: Printmaking. It sounds simple. Taco bell: Linda, Liz, and Lou. Go team L. We go to class. feeling quiet. I had plans for this weekend. We play phone tag. I cancel my plans: you bought us tickets. Death Cab. I'm happy. I don't need titles. I love you for you. I am spending time with my friends. Trying to bring my future into focus. Nicole and I go to the caf. We are stuffed. Mr. Softie. Jan and I laugh. We stay home. Relaxation.
First Friday. Morning weather thwarts my plans. Campus. Trying to be productive. Again thwarted. Caf: Lisa, Nicole, Lou, Horbs. It was nice to be with everyone. My parents come for dinner. Delicious. Casual conversation. Then: the future. I know they can't help financially. Stress. Dessert. Linda's with the Gd's. Bar to meet Lauren, we leave in 15 minutes. Home. Sickness. You call, you're on your way. You have not been here in over a month. I sleep. Then you appear. This time I'm not dreaming. You hold me gently. Hot blood flows back through my veins. We sleep in embrace.
We sleep all day. Holding each other. KissesÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€soft and slow. Laughter. Playfulness. I'm burning candles I know you like. This is the life I missed. This is what I used to look forward to. These thoughts, actions, this love: got me through rough times this year. Campus for food. Death Cab. Getting to Camden is such a pain. They need better signage. Music. Fantastic. We don't talk a lot, we're captivated. A touch: we touch. Encore. It moves us-you hold me. Parking garage chaos. Wait. Dance and sing in the car. This is how I remember us. Vibrant. Caring.
You wake me. I don't think you meant to. The warmth from your strong arms disrupted my cold sleep. I look deep into your eyes. You're bad with words so we talk without them. Couches. Lunch. I'm starving. We try to have "us"talk but don't answer my questions. Say what you want. I drop it. Stretches to release my tension with you. You're quiet. We talk again. It's almost time for you to go. I love you. This-it's something I never thought I'd feel. We're companions. Hugs. The kind that makes the world disappear. Kiss goodbye. Ãƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬ËœTil next time...
Doorbell. They've come to infultrate my television. We sit and chat. I can tell Kevin is nervous. He's nice though, he brought me cookies. Its funny when you find random people whom know your home. Erik knew everything about my hometown. I was intrigued. After 3 hours, we part ways. Lauren arrives. I've already started dinner. We all sit and chat. I don't think I even had time to think today. I take her home and run to campus, only intending to drop off my portfolio. Somehow when I arrive, so does the cupcake mix. How can I say no?
Exhaustion. Already and I'm not even awake yet. Pick up Lisa. Pick up portfolio at Lou's. Class. Stress. Attempt to finish prints. Denied. Why does it feel like we're always fighting the system? Class. I stay after to help with the next class. Grab food. Try to finish printing again. Thwarted once more. Meeting. We race out of there. Get home just in time. I haven't been thinking lately. My mind has stopped. I hushed the voices and ramblings. Jan and I enjoy our evening. Chocolate and Vanilla, together. Mr. Softie probably knows our names. I fall asleep by 10.
Sleep late. I wish I didn't feel so sick all the time. I try hard to treat myself right and don't abuse my body or my mind. StressÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€the culprit. Meditation, is saving my life. I run to school early and eat at Ross with Lou and Manny, then class. We hold our meeting early. Only half of us are there. No fine art in the Senior show?! I feel like a piece of me just died. Library. I don't go to the annex. Home to Jan. New Deck for Quizzo with Jason and friends. The wings were amazing. Bed.
Early. The sunshine warms me. Classes. Thesis meeting. June loves my idea, thank God we finally see eye to eye. Started my research no turning back. Lots of lunches today it seems. The day gets hotter as time passes. We rape the cafeteria again. Nicole's bag is packed: marshmallow treats, fruit, salad. We walk down town. By 6pm I'm exhausted once more. My legs are throbbing. 40 blocks. Home. Work on Thesis. I'm alone. Tired. Timmy calls. People always call when you're ready for bed or already have plans. I leave, beautiful weather. It feels good to be with friends.
Appleseed Cast Tonight. Trying to work on thesis is getting me nowhere. Mom calls, then Aunt Pam, Natalie, Mallory. Everyone is calling. Come home, come home. Pack my bags and prepare for the trip. Finally there. It feels like I walked in the door and everyone decided to leave. That's a mean joke to play. Make some calls. Now I'm pissed I missed a good show and good times. Why do I give in to them? Joel's. We leave. Whiskey and rum one for each of us. Corinne's friends in Easton. Cradle robbers. Cops. Anxiety. We leave. Fall asleep talking.
Feeling out of place is not uncommon here. They say to call it home but I don't even have a toothbrush here. What's the point? It's not my home anymore. My parent's and sisters' house. Sunshine. Butterflies. True warmth. Chris' car is in the shop he rides his bike from Allentown. Its got to feel amazing to have a boyfriend so devoted. We jump in the truck to go look for him and find him less than half a mile away. All 7 of us go to the park. We "play"tennis. Laughter. Mall trip. Matt calls, I'm already sleeping.
Early service. 7am. OliviaÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€acolyte. No one that I really wanted to see is here but I'm not staying for the 9am. Home: we prepare like usual. 40 people arrive, eat, mingle. Everyone is here. Family. Spouses and babies. Feeling out of place. Not in the mood. Not my normal chatty self. I just don't give a shit. I look at them all. My sister even has a friend here. Sigh. This just gives everyone more reason to just pick on me but that's not new either. Ryan stops over. I'm so happy. He leaves. Me on my own. Again.
It feels like the longer I stay here, the more I lose myself. Rush home, not really any traffic. Luckily. Cut Todd's hair on his roof. I'm in a skirt, climbing ladders is not advised. Lunch. Smoked Joint. 306 thinks my car's getting towed, they try to save it but can't find my keys. Thanks but my car is across the street from me. Lauren and Scott meet us. They're so in love. At home, you try to convince me to come over. I seriously contemplate it but stay here. I have an early class tomorrow. I miss you. IÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€
Birthdays. Nicole. Chris. Parking. Lisa. Drone. Buzz. Hum. Computers. Portfolio. Sketches. Boredom. Ignorance. Thesis Meeting. Fair Trade. Excitement. Clock watching. Meters. Parking. Lunch. Nicole. Lou. Drew. Inks. Chemicals. Retardation. Screens. Squeegees. Phone calls. Bike. Attempts. Traffic. Hours. Phone call. Waiting. Your walk to me seems like an eternity. Blinkers. Base. Visitor's pass. Check. Vehicle pass. Denial. Stomachache. This guy needs to get a life. Sickness. Anger. Emotions. Kissing. Rest. Abruptness. Knocking. Yelling. Mistake. Heart pounding. Anxiety. Waiting. Silence. Exhaustion. On-call. Rings. Emotions. Cold. Rain. Cold. Bed. awake. Outside. Laughter. Shut-up. Sleep. Attempts. Denied. The good, the bad and the ugly.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I wake up early. You are not a morning person. My head hurts so bad I can't think. I drive home. Miss the morning traffic and go to school. What else would I do? Lunch with the crew. Class was cancelled. I go with Drew to look at a house. The guy thought we were dating it was funny. I guess Drew forgot I worked in Manayunk but I know the area so I show him around. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so out of mind and be productive. He's Blazed.
Most people would think today is a big deal. I just did a lot of work and watched kids stumble around the streets. The ones that even ventured onto campus for that matter. I don't know what to think about people. I'm not one to judge but I feel like I'm surrounded by sheep. Sheep being herded by some outside force. Do they even know? I try to keep my mind off things but what does that even mean. Recollection of a time when my mind was clear is faint. I don't want to try to understand people anymore. Enough.
Errands all day. Art stores. Food. Before we know it we're stuck in rush hour traffic. I'm trying to get over and everyone is goofing around in the back. So many distractions. I go to merge, 1 second is all it takes for something bad to happen. I was half a second away. I'm glad you can all laugh at my close call with death. Sigh. I end up hanging out with Drew. Bike is fixed. Pleats are ironed. We get dinner with C-finger. All my friends are dating each other. Home. We chat on the phone. I miss you.
Butterflies. I do my thing. Be productive. I drive. I stopped having expectations. This, this is just me putting myself out there. Allowing one more vulnerability to enter my life. Putting my heart on a golden platter just for you, only to put it back in my wounded chest and poorly patch it up with black thread. Could I be any more convenient for you? We watch movies. It's casual. But when you look at me, it's not. Tell me how you feel. Don't think of me as an obligation because that's not me. We laugh and then fall asleep...
We wake up later than usual. I hardly slept last night. You get a call, we both get ready, youÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬â€deny me. I'm locked in your room like a captive. Alone, I only hear the shouting in my head. It's angry. So many thoughts-why. I stop and don't let them get the best of me. You return after almost 2 hours. I'm over it. I love you. We joke around for a while. You have this strange power over me. I get lost in your eyes, your words. Though you are a man of few. I don't want to leave.
Calls in the morning. "Ask for what you want. You have the right. You have the right to have the answers you seek. I think you are afraid to ask for things, sometimes." I wonder why I feel like this mom. I grew up in a life that seemed like it was housed by a secret. Today out of all days is a great day to tell me my privileges in life. Thank you. Lab. The smell of chemicals -paint, hurts my already aching head. The day drags on, it's tied down to piles of bricks. Home. Exhaustion, you won.
Bed. So warm and soft. I feel safe. Exhaustion and sickness engulf my fragile shell. I succumbed to the feelings I'm having. Stay in bed for half the day. Bike. The weather is perfect. In the lab once again, this is my second home. Get everything together; inks, screens, solutions, paper. I'm constantly helping others and it hampers my progress. Take matters into your own hands for once. Take a much needed break for food. My mind stopped performing simple functions about 2 hours ago. Talk to Jen for a while. Clean up. Home. Spend some time on myself. Rest.
Photo Process early in the morning to stock up the lab. All the roads are blocked off. I'm driving down one-ways against the arrow. Coincidence? I run into the lab, work for a little. My mind once again is racing a million miles a minute. I catch a trolley down town. It's Meridith's birthday. I'm not going to say I wasn't surprised I was invited. But nothing really phases me anymore. We all actually had a good time. You call me. We talk. I'm smiling. Everyone else met up later. I've never seen Drew so serious and concerned. Goodnight. Breath.
I need to work on thesis. It seems I have too much going on right now to feel as if I was completely devoted to it. Devotion lacks. Dedication to the wrong cause may be in effect. Only time will tell. Spring time... everyone loves it, right now I don't know how I feel about it, along with everything else in my life. Coldness has forged my emotions but tears still run hot. I had plans for tonight but I take time out for myself. Instead of socializing, I lay on the couch alone. No words are spoken. Exhaustion. Desolation.
School stuff once again. It's funny how I don't have classes on Fridays; yet, I am on campus for at least 6 hours. I was taking my time because I didn't think you'd be back yet. You call. I'm not going to rush to your every whim. I arrive. You're so quiet. We're house sitting and dog-sitting. How domestic. Finally our tension is broken. I don't know why I take this... you just drag me under. Like a rip tide. But I love you. I can't change that. I wish we were on the same page. Your kisses melt me.
You go through these changes sometimes right in front of my eyes. We're fine. You're bored. We laugh. You are silent. I don't really care, I'm probably not consistent either. If I had one stable thing I wouldn't mind all of the rollercoaster rides. You're going to Newark again. I guess I didn't expect you to invite me. Expectations are a thing of the past. I have things to do. I find that I use my personal life as an escape from my responsibilities, and school I use as an excuse...from life. Where am I even going? What's the point?
I'm glad I was home. Co-ed game at 12. I get here early and do some work. It feels so good to get things accomplished. I stop by the Annex to see if they need a hand, they need a lot more than that, they could use a couple brains. We leave to extinguish the flames. Deep breath. We return. Horbs and I just go right at it. Why talk about things getting done? Just do them. Get it done already. 6 hours later, everything's in order. I hardly make it home. exhaustion has sunken in. Despite, last night's sleep.
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