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03/01 Direct Link
The dog is worried I'm going to forget to feed her. And she's as annoying as I am when it comes to staying on schedule. I get annoyed, but what I need to realize is that she is a mirror of me. In so many ways I see myself in her - her moods, her obsessive nature, her unbridled enthusiasm about things like the outdoors. And eating. Her need to know where everyone is when everyone is home. "Taking attendance". She's done it since she was a pup. How many entries have I dedicated to memorializing this amazing little black dog?
03/02 Direct Link
I was the first person to submit to their March 2016 batch. I didn't get a trophy. Didn't get a badge. That comes, as it should, upon completing the challenge: to write 100 words a day for one month. As a child I wasn't rewarded for doing that which was expected. Anything less than a blue ribbon was discouraged and I wasn't overscheduled with activities at which I would never succeed. I was expected to entertain myself when not doing schoolwork or practicing. There were no trophies for participation. Every generation but the one after mine says youth was harder.
03/03 Direct Link
The first dream I had last night was about tennis balls. And the courts that used to be attached to Roosevelt School. The second one got weird, but I can't remember it now. The third dream? That was rough. I was my age now, still living in 5E and still with him despite him being married and having kids. I was going to break up with him. We ended up fucking. Story of those six years of my life. All the old complaints were there. But more, the feelings. The insecurities. The obsession. How is this possible ten years later?
03/04 Direct Link
I did it again. I forgot to take my pill. I'm pretty sure I haven't taken it since I've been back from my mom's. That's over a week. But it just hit me yesterday. And even though I know that that is the cause of the little black cloud that is following me around, I'm still fucking miserable for NO REASON. This happens a few times a year. You would think I'd realize that this is not something I want to deal with a few times a year. Because when I take it daily I'm fucking fine. Not this mess.
03/05 Direct Link
A hint of spring! A hint of spring! Not that winter was ever really here, but it did get pretty cold. We had those awful frigid days with the stabbing winds that make me stay indoors and not let the cat go sit out next to the sliding doors onto the porch. "It's too cold for you." I remind him as the dogs run off - the younger one is confused by wind and runs around like even more of an idiot. Mugsy likes to run around, the colder it is the more she shows off her resistance to winter weather.
03/06 Direct Link
I like weekends here. So much better than Michigan. And while some things have changed from Vermont Round 1, weekends haven't. Saturday mornings at Lake Shaftsbury, random drives, trips to Albany to see college friends. Our weekends are packed - we go to the city quite a bit - and then after a few weeks we'll say, "Let's do NOTHING this weekend." Usually on Thursday once we get home from trivia. And then it's a weekend of dogs, cooking, a netflix binge and naps. Because you need those kinds of weekends once in a while, too. Balance is good. Balance is great.
03/07 Direct Link
She texted me to say, essentially, that no one likes her. How am I supposed to respond to that? To a plea for pity. Clearly she is one of the million women who has fallen for these Facebook memes that says if people don't like you, fuck them. My take? Did you do something to make people not like you? Have you at least made sure you weren't an asshole?

She wasn't an asshole but I imagine her issues with her employment and boyfriend were borne of some of the personality traits I've seen. Look at yourself. Improve.
03/08 Direct Link
We're off to Long Island tomorrow evening. K works from home Thursday and Friday so we'll be able to leave straight from here without having to deal with me driving to Albany, switching cars, leaving one. If we're smart we'll pack his car tonight.

We won't pack his car tonight.

Friday we're heading to Jersey. Saturday we'll get in some quality puppy time and then Saturday is supposed to be the city but I'm sure my mom will throw a wrench in plans. We'll stay closer to home. Maybe finally go to Cafe Testarossa? There will be board games. Laughter.
03/09 Direct Link
I have been working on a fairly popular brand of yogurt's website. Not the whole thing, but doing some behind the scenes work on their recipes pages. Recipe pages? Don't fixate, Nancy. I have made one of the recipes so far. Today I might make another although I'm having trouble finding a key ingredient. The internet offers substitutions but there is ZERO agreement which alarms me. The recipes sound good. My pinterest board of recipes to try ("Eat, Drink, And Be Merry") is overflowing with this yogurt's recipes. And as I work on it I just add more and more.
03/10 Direct Link
I'm looking forward to the weekend and reminded that we made the right decision to move back to Vermont. Tomorrow night, for the first time since our wedding, my mom, siblings, spouses, and children will be in the same place at the same time. I know that makes my mom happy. I'm nervous about the drive -- driving with John John always makes me nervous and I've maybe done it three times in my life. Saturday Kris and I are celebrating my birthday. I have a few dinner options picked out but haven't decided. Brooklyn Oenology and foodie food. Perfect day.
03/11 Direct Link
Woke up in my old bed this morning. It's a good bed. I like it. Kris sleeps in what I still call "Maria's bed", across the room. It's not college, I have no desire to share a twin bed with him. Actually, I had no desire to share a twin bed with him then, either. Funny how things change. Today brings the start of what I imagine will be a great weekend: Pandemic Legacy, New Jersey, the food of Long Island which puts Bennington to shame. Not sure about the city. Kind of want to just eat Taby's. Simple things.
03/12 Direct Link
For the first time since my wedding all of us were together. Maria, Jim, the girls, John-John, Kris, Mom, and I ate pizza and drank wine. Checked out my sister's house and its new kitchen. Her new puppy is adorable but the other one, frankly, a complete asshole. Well, in my opinion. He is the first dog in the history of dogs to hate me. He liked me at first but then just growled. Maybe he sensed the hot flash that was coming? My ma went through menopause at 38; Maria at 37. I'm caught off guard by this.
03/13 Direct Link
My mother asked a few questions about weed this weekend. This is the second trip on which she has made a reference. The idea of my mother stoned is impossible to put into words. Although it might chill her the fuck out which, at times, would be awesome. But it might also make her paranoid. And that would not be cool. "What does it taste like?" she asked, wanting to know if it always tastes the same. We were careful with details. It doesn't matter that we are grown ass adults. I feel like she might be waiting to pounce.
03/14 Direct Link
Birthdays hold less meaning these days. Last night I dreamed that it was today. Kris hadn't sent me the flowers I'd asked for and instead of me working he dragged me to Albany to visit Neil, who was being held in jail after driving with a headlight out. Ryan was also there and they were putting on a rap show. I was pissed. Had to do shit for Chobani and didn't want to upset John. A girl named Loretta was there. Uber refused my Wolf Rd. to Bennington fare -- I kept asking her to pick me up on the Northway.
03/15 Direct Link
I'm not impressed by money. I've lived on cereal. And for a time my mother would send me back to the city with soup saying, "I know you like this kind," while eyeing elbows that threatened to pierce the skin. I'd give half of the can to the cat, guilty of how poor I was. I've also lived a life of no debt, substantial savings, and restaurant dinners most nights of the week. Luxe vacations and designer labels. At my core, though, I am always me and have never allowed my finances to define who I am. Do the same.
03/16 Direct Link
I had another crazy dream last night. I have the memory of remembering it now. Waking and walking to the bathroom for my nightly pee -- 3:30 like clockwork -- but it didn't feel the same. It felt the way it does when it's not 3:30 if that makes sense. 5:11 the focal point of a blue haze coming from the clock. I could have stayed up but had only fallen five hours before. I went back to bed. Told myself I had to remember. To write about it.

What I remember: It started with shopping for...

Yeah, helpful.
03/17 Direct Link
I've never been a St. Patrick's Day reveler. Maybe because I'm as far away from Irish as one can be. Or annoyed by fake accents. But tonight I will go to Ramunto's with my fav Irish clan, play trivia, and enjoy the these folks I've known for what feels like a lifetime. I won't drink a green beer, though. And you can't make me.

I had another crazy dream last night but I remember even less than I did this time yesterday. I just know when I got up to pee at 2:something I said to myself, "Another one?!"
03/18 Direct Link
If on April 1 Gmail says its new feature is the one I've been asking for I'll likely forget it's their annual joke and get really excited. And then I will throw my Chromebook out the window and finally invest in a Mac and shun Google products like I shun many other things. My desired feature? That all the passive aggressive emails I receive get autofiltered to the trash so I never see them. They only come from one person. And the desired responses lose my boss a client or me a job. One of these days I'm going to.
03/19 Direct Link
I'm working on a project for a passive aggressive woman. She's not just passive aggressive, but she's the worst type of bully possible. The one that wastes your time, and basically makes you think you're crazy and incompetent even though you know you're not. This type of behavior is unacceptable. This is behavior I would not tolerate in another if it weren't work-related. I find some solace in being aware of the fact that this is what she is doing. Rather than falling for it.

He made me believe I was crazy for five years. I've learned the signs.
03/20 Direct Link
We're going to Mexico in 2017. February. For my 40th. I'm whoring myself out to write some bullshit in order to save $337/month. That is WAY more than we need to save but I'd like to save enough so that we can fly first class. Is that weird? Are there more sensible ways to spend that money? Yes. But if I'm going to write extra in order to make that extra cash I get to spend it on something as frivolous as first class. I'm excited for warmth in February, cenotes, tan lines and live music. But no rush.
03/21 Direct Link
It's hard to focus on writing an article on "How To Orgasm EVERY Time" when you're in the THIRD consecutive week of your period, it's heavy, you have cramps, and are simply exhausted and feeling anything but sexy. It's just the birth control but God am I so sick of it. At least its March. It's not summer when I wouldn't be able to leave for too long because of the cramps. I have subsisted on a steady intake of Alleve and hot water bottle, reading and naps. I wanted to watch the second Mockingjay but it's not on PPV.
03/22 Direct Link
I haven't had a dream I remember in a while. I've woken up knowing they were there but no idea what they held. What adventures I went on. Who made an appearance. Last night I didn't sleep well at all, usually that makes for interesting dreams -- the stutter stop of sleep and wake leading to the most bizarre dreams, ones that are almost lucid. Of course a good night's full deep sleep also yields good ones. The ones made of epic quests that stick with me for the day and turn around in my brain like a scrambled Rubik's cube.
03/23 Direct Link
I have seen every episode of Seinfeld. For a long time I thought that was true but a look at wikipedia showed me there was one I hadn't seen. There is one not in syndication. Just one. The episode before the finale which is technically not the penultimate since the finale is two episodes. Hulu was bragging about having every episode so I signed up for the free week and watched that episode and a few other favorites. I hated knowing that there was one I hadn't seen. But now I've seen every episode of Seinfeld. Who cares?
03/24 Direct Link
Kashi granola bars are exhausting. Sticky and dense, they make me need a nap. And not in that, "I just ate cheesy, carby goodness and drank a beer so now I need a nap," way. But in a, "Oh my GOD, my jaws are tired!" way. Is that normal? Should eating make me feel like I just got a workout? It's like when I chew gum -- the next day I have such soreness. And yet there are people who chew gum all the damn time. HOW?! It boggles my mind. Kris says it's the way I chew. Goddamn jaw fatigue.
03/25 Direct Link
My head is a bit stuffy and my throat a bit sore. But I'm not sick. I'm in that weird place of fighting something. I feel like crap in the morning and at night, but during the day I am fine. In some ways I'd prefer, almost, to just be sick for a few days and be done with it. But the timing could not be worse. I'm traveling for the next three weeks and the last thing I need is to be sick. Up north tomorrow, the city and Jersey for over a week, then D.C. Orange Juice!
03/26 Direct Link
It's been a social few days. Thursday night was an impromptu get together with one of Kris' A2 friends up in Manchester. Then Kate decided to have an impromptu girls' night last night. I could only do a few drinks because of Friday night dinner but there were a night's worth of laughs in the hour or so I was there. Tonight is Sarah's birthday bash. Tomorrow is Easter and, I hope, the Indian food tradition will continue. Then all is quiet until Thursday night trivia and then Friday I'm off for an extended stay in the city and Jersey.
03/27 Direct Link
The party was not what I had imagined at all. It was awesome. Not that I hadn't pictured awesome but I'd pictured more what friends my age do for birthdays -- dinner with a group of folks someplace casual but foodie approved. Dinner, drinks, dessert, split the check. This was an actual party. At a café that closed in January but can be rented for parties. There was a band out of Montpelier who were really excited about Texas, a guy with jangly legs who danced with joyful abandon and made us all smile almost as much as Sarah Root Dancing.
03/28 Direct Link
I've felt lousy for two weeks and had my period for three. After the first week of lousiness I figured I was run down from having an extended period. The last week the fatigue has been unbearable... two hour naps in the middle of the day and waking up exhausted. My brain likes cause and effect. But it also likes logic. The swollen glands and sore throat? The sleep that cures nothing? I never went for the blood test for my physical. I don't want to add a monospot to it because I might kill someone if I have mono.
03/29 Direct Link
This is a month that may end up being left incomplete on purpose because I'm sorry, but how the hell is it possible that a.) I *still* have my period and b.) it's gotten even heavier? My hemoglobin and hematocrit came back perfectly, my doctor is changing my birth control starting with day 29 (Sunday... I will have had my period for A MONTH come Saturday), and they started me on a multi-vitamin. Yes, a multivitamin. Because I'm losing so much blood. Ya think? But a multi-vitamin? I haven't taken one of those since high school. Good grief.
03/30 Direct Link
I didn't go to sleep until 3. I loved it. I sat up with dog #1 (#2 is quick to go to bed as soon as the first human does) reading through a friend's first draft of a few scenes from her novel and chatting with her about it. Then I walked some more, listened to my book, finished another book, decided to start the next in the series. It was a good night.

Because the universe loves balance I started this morning with two deluges. My neverending period has reached torrential proportions. The bathroom has flooded. Tears of rage.
03/31 Direct Link
A lot of things have to happen today for me to go to my mom's tomorrow as planned. One of these things is something I have put off for months: getting my brakes done.

Here is what I ask of you: am I the only person who feels such abject shame related to how poorly she cares for her car? Like my health, I only take it in when something is wrong. Not for checkups. Not for recommended maintenance. And then I have brakes that sound like the dead rising and I want to run from the mechanic. Vehicular shame.