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02/01 Direct Link
I've been here before. I came along I guess as moral support. (Although, no one accompanied me my first trip.) It's the hottest part of the summer yet the waiting rooms are always chilly. You're supposed to undress, put the gown on and WAIT. Wait for the doctor to come and tell you if they've decided to lop off your breast or just nuke it. I know she's freaked so I suggest we play a trick. We will sit on the table together side-by-side. Her DIS-eased breast on her left, mine on my right. Together, we create wholeness. Two crones.
02/02 Direct Link
It's his birthday. I always feel badly when I allow myself to think about him in that deep sorta way. As a young man he was passionate, blond haired and blue eyed, a real ladies man. The schizophrenia came to him like a thief in the night, robbing him of his soul. He's much better now, but never the same. It's been a long road for him, in and out of hospitals trying to rid himself of the fiends that endlessly visit his mind. He's much better now. Doesn't he seem better to you? His mother just sighs. She knows.
02/03 Direct Link
Aggravation envelopes me like a black shroud today. Maybe there is a reason for this as when I contemplate it I find that if I wasn't hidden by this cloth of darkness, I might have to emerge and HURT someone! Children are about the only thing which can put you in this degree of rage. I imagine that for some it could be given to you, like a gift, by a husband. But I am not married. I cannot decide if this is a blessing or a hindrance as maybe I would have someone to help draw the blackness out.
02/04 Direct Link
The snow was blinding but we were in a hurry. Radio on, but not really listening as you make your way through the white blur. Turning onto Eight Mile as your song came on the radio. Sometimes I can hear it and feel sad but other times it sucks the air out of me. The unwanted scenes of your last breath….struggling to fill your lungs…hit me with the power of a train, unable to hit the brakes in time. I recoil, knowing it's coming. I blamed myself, dreamt of you every night. I really miss you, my little teener man.
02/05 Direct Link
I got home very late last night, crept up the curving staircase, the kind they have in really old houses and felt my way to my bed. I lay beneath my covers… shivering. Sometime late…when tiny creatures emerge from the in-between world, I felt dancing upon my forehead. Toes twirling on my face ever so lightly, I could barely feel it. The brush of a skirt - the scent of a woman. I've tried to capture her before, not to keep - just to look at. She always slips away….and is hidden once again, in the shadows of my bedroom.
02/06 Direct Link
Murphy Smurphy Helen Gurley Brown. Hey! Do you remember that old commercial with the little sing song..went like this…(I think it was about a mop) Oh Cedar Makes Your Life Easier…remember it? Ok now put "Murphy" in the spot of Cedar and sing with me! OH MURHPY MAKES YOUR LIFE EASIER….that was great! Ssshhh…(Except I think maybe you need to clear your throat a bit) Let's try it again, take it from the top! OH MURPHY MAKES YOUR LIFE EASIER!!! I wonder if Skeeter can hear me…he probably would not like this! That was HIS song..can you hear me Skeets?
02/07 Direct Link
One hundred words seems like a thousand tonight. I tried to write about my sister, I tried to write about my fish, but nothing comes out quite right. Maybe because it's Friday and it's been such a long week that when I try to sing soprano, all I get is squeak. At first I thought "this is easy!" but now I see it's not, I wish I was creative like my little cousy weina, as all her words are great, but I am just a noodle and tonight this is not my fate! How do I rate? Don't tell me!
02/08 Direct Link
I see her running with the wind....long white strands of hair flying this way and that. Long slender "girl-child" legs..never seeming to tire. "Come Gamma! Come" she shouts, trying to be heard over the shreak of the fast blowing ocean breezes. "Come get your toes wet with me! Let's swim WAY out...we can take a DEEP BATH with the dolphins and the starfish." This is my little chicken girl. She likes to sing to me as we ride in the car…She is only four but is a wise old soul. "Gamma! I SEE THE MOON AND THE MOON SEES ME!"
02/09 Direct Link
We sit side by side, listening to a symphony of music….Bach, Brahms and Tchaikovsky. Sometimes I have to nudge you as you drift off to sleep. The music is too relaxing you say. I sit in my chair, enjoying the tinkling sounds…butterfly music I call it. So peaceful, so lulling…as if floating on top of the water..letting the warm sun shine on my face…I reminisce of days gone by, when we were much younger. Our past was filled with tumultuous days…fighting and arguing over..who remembers what? It doesn't matter now. I just love to sit with you, side by side.
02/10 Direct Link
Valentines Day is right around the corner. I sit and ponder this and wonder why I have let all these years go by, either too stubborn and set in my ways to let another soul get in close...or maybe I am selfish. It's probably a bit of both (that's a lie)...I work so many hours and when finally you finish (that's a lie too)...I don't have the energy after working all day to do someone else's laundry, cook for them, clean-up after them (another lie! who does she think is buying this story? Face it girl!!! Tell the REAL reasons!)
02/11 Direct Link
I pretend I don't notice, as he jumps from window sill to window sill, which is pretty hard as he flies right across my desk each time. Trying desperately to glimpse something new out each different porthole. I explain to him "You are an INDOOR kitty now" – "I know the snow looks like fun, I realize there are other kitty's out there and squirrels to chase…exotic places to go…strange people to meet. Hopefully he soon will rid himself of this energy and go find a cozy spot on mom's bed to linger away the afternoon. THIS is a cat's life.
02/12 Direct Link
Stir fry veggies….delicious bread assortments…a bottle of fine wine. A thousand candles shimmering ghosts upon the painted walls. Soft music and candlelit dinner, this was our evening. Good food, good friendship, casual acquaintances. This is what life is about. You recited to me… "It comes in-it goes back out….the loves of a cat". A bit of Haiku for the evening solstice. For a laugh, I reminded you of some of your silly meanesses of childhood, it worked, you wet your pants. We really should do this more often. You are my cousin, you are my grandmother. Which do I prefer?
02/13 Direct Link
Hmmm Jamaica…Gamma? Need to get this work outta my face….Gamma? Should do laundry soon…Gamma? Are there STILL dishes in the sink?....Gamma? Yes Sir, I'll get that right out to you….Gamma? Fed EX !!...Gamma? OH NO! The cat is throwing up! Gamma? Gamma? Well ma'am, I think it's your right wheel bearing, be ‘bout $220.00 I'd say…Gamma? What do you mean dad has to have surgery? Gamma? Life's little emergencies….the daily grind…and in the midst of it all there is a little tiny girlie voice that's says "Gamma? will you read me Peter Pan?" Ahhhh…I love it when she says that.
02/14 Direct Link
Roses are red, violets are blue (aren't they VIOLET?) I love you…for sentimental reasons ( for other reasons I hate you) Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars (I bet the latest crew of the Challenger is up there doing just that) I just called to say..I love you (and you'll be hearing from my attorney shortly) Marry me, carry me…be my blushing beau Pounds of heart shaped sugar filled candies inscribed with "I love you" "I miss you" "Your mine" are sold every year. Enough!! I protest! Where's my diamond ring? Where's my cat?
02/15 Direct Link
Lies Lies Lies What should I do about you. When I see your lips begin to move…to utter the first stream of lies, I take cover! Shells are flying, fragments hit my ear drums…I'm deafened by the impossible noise. I really don't want to confront you, I just want you to go away. Your abuses of the language insult me….the extent of the stories is shameful, don't you think people will know?. Leave me alone, let me savor the silence of your absence. If my cell phone rings, I'll just hit "end." Too bad I can't do that with you.
02/16 Direct Link
You're sick in bed, you're head's bent. You're nose is plugged, you say you can't breathe. Sorry I'm sooo far away. Your life exists on the left bank, mine is on the right, too far to get there for an afternoon. I instruct you on how to make boiled garlic with a bit o' lemon and honey. I insist you "put the heating pad on your chest for 20 minutes, then lay on your bed…tummy side down, slide off til your head hits the floor and COUGH!" "Egads" you reply, "I'm so glad you live there and I live here."
02/17 Direct Link
Black and white snapshots – taken in an empty graveyard on a bleak winter's day. The snow whipping at your face until your nose is frozen stiff. I stand at the gravesite of Anna Moggs…wondering what kind of person she might have been? What did she die from…was it in fierce pain? Maybe giving birth to her long awaited first daughter? Maybe the big C-came in the night to steal her away…I'm forced back into the present as I hear her plea…"I can't take the shot! I'm freezing to death out here!" I think, well you'd be in the right place!
02/18 Direct Link
Her mother calls me everyday…it drives me insane. Sometimes I don't say anything to her but other times I flip. Just depends on the kind of day I'm having. The woman weighs 10 lbs maximum, she used to be a drunk (and ..a whore). She didn't work and let her two little girls live in the car with her….when they did have a house, she would bring her men to screw her on the living room floor in front of the little girls. Now she is older than dirt. The woman's daughters grew old alongside of her. One was murdered.
02/19 Direct Link
Could I write about my cat everyday? Does it show me how little there is in my life to actually tell someone about? There's work, the everyday never-ending stream of phone calls, one after another…four lines going crazy and taking me along with them for the ride. But other than that? There is the cat. Maybe because of work, there is only the cat. Those few remaining hours before I escape to my bed, there isn't anyone talking to me, nagging me, hollering at me, begging me. There's just the cat and he is self-contained. The cat is my familiar.
02/20 Direct Link
Close your eyes. Feel the movement of the water under you. Slightly rising your vessel with each swell of the waves. The sun beating down upon your skin you can actually smell the toasting of the pigment. Light trade winds rustle past your face, keeping you cool. A distant smell of coconut and other exotic oils, from nearby bathers, fill your nostrils. Splashing from a child learning to swim lands upon your hot skin and sizzles. The Carribean. What a delight. A wake-up call to all the five senses. A vacation in wonderland. The wet dream of a mid-westerner – mid-February.
02/21 Direct Link
Close your eyes. Feel the movement of the water under you. Slightly rising your vessel with each swell of the waves. The sun beating down upon your skin you can actually smell the toasting of the pigment. Light trade winds rustle past your face, keeping you cool. A distant smell of coconut and other exotic oils, from nearby bathers, fill your nostrils. Splashing from a child learning to swim lands upon your hot skin and sizzles. The Carribean. What a delight. A wake-up call to all the five senses. A vacation in wonderland. The wet dream of a mid-westerner – mid-February.
02/22 Direct Link
Sometimes – just when you think your life really sucks, one phone call, an invite to a party, someone popping over for just a "sec" changes everything. All of a sudden you are noticing the air around you, the clouds up above, you have a spring in your step, glad to be alive! How quickly things can change. One minute you're in a funk up to your elbows and the next you cannot wait til your feet touch the floor in the morning, hopping out to bed humming a tune. When might this happen to me? HA HA! It already did!
02/23 Direct Link
Yesterday was your birthday. February 22 and you turned, how old? Twenty-five you say? My gosh how time flies. A quarter century old already and now your news of the day is…."I'm off to war…off to Turkey to fight." You're much to young I say, but you, brainwashed by Bush (who I like to call The Shrub) get mad at me. This wasn't supposed to be a phone call to argue with you, rather to celebrate your birth with you. But you won't let it go….insisting we should all stand behind our president. I say, let's not fight…let's talk peace.
02/24 Direct Link
If you were dying, lets say you had AIDS. Would you question the medications given to you by your medical team? Would you research for yourself, and I mean an intense research on your part as to what your other options might be? Would you take a bold step.. and use an alternative therapy? Maybe even have the guts to quit taking the cocktail altogether? Would it ever occur to you the medical profession doesn't have a clue and maybe your only chance of survival lies in the power of your own thoughts? Take the silver. Do it for YOU.
02/25 Direct Link
How fragile our bodies are. We live daily with a million germs crawling around under our skin, just waiting to be the ONE. The one that takes over. The one that takes the control panel and flies the plane…dive-bombing every mountain top, playing chicken. Our bodies do a pretty good job of keeping up with the daily grind of patrol. Dawn Patrol. I like to think of them as little white blood corpuscles.. ..on a Harley donning a black leather jacket blazing their colors. Think about it…a zillion creatures traveling your bloodstream everyday. You don't even know they are there…UNLESS.
02/26 Direct Link
Let's get new careers. Let's just leave our jobs behind, no more 40 hours chained to my desk, looking over Mr. and Mrs. Consumer's credit report –trying to make a decision that affects their lives. Sometimes having to make that call…"Hello Mr. Consumer? I'm so sorry to inform you YOUR CREDIT SUCKS, you cannot buy a house nor a horse and cart, so sorry." But with NEW jobs we could be kings (or queens). We could be Ms. And Ms. Investment Property Owners. We could be slum lords, collect all the day long. Rolling on top o' Franklins ‘n Benjies.
02/27 Direct Link
You are just too dang busy! My buddy has gone and left me. School School School, what will you use all this schooling for? I created the monster, I nagged you to DEATH. "Find something to do!" Make a new and improved life for yourself, leave that hubby behind. We are warriors, crones til the end. Let's make magic together, I have the recipies! A little of this, a little more of that. How ‘bout it? Are you ready? Come back to me! Leave that printer and archival ink to someone else. Let's have some FUN! Where are you girlie?
02/28 Direct Link
I have some friends – I need some more. I have a cat – I want another. I have two babies and one on the way. I had a job – but starting another. My life is full but I spend it broke. I would like to see how I could be if I had some wealth. My mother always said "Wealth can't buy health." But I think she was wrong. Have you priced insurance these days? I did my pal's profile. Under the heading regarding pets, the category of fleas, I checked "Like them but don't own any. She was upset. WHY?